Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DSD (6) suddenly saying we're not a proper family

49 replies

TickingTimeBomb2017 · 10/05/2017 10:53

Backstory: Been with DP for 2 years, expecting a son in Autumn. DP has a DD (6) and I have a DD (6) and DS (5). The kids get on really well together. DSD has always enthusiastically referred to my kids as her 'sis' and 'little bruv'. All kids excited for the new baby, enjoy talking to my tummy, discussing what he will look like, etc.

DP is currently at the final stages of his divorce, and it has been very messy to say the least (Cafcass involvement; now LA involvement). DSD has developed behavioural issues (become highly competitive, tantruming, shouting a lot). Sometimes she hits her dad and says "You love [DD and DS] more than me". She picks fights A LOT. And now suddenly she's started saying "We are not a proper family and we never will be; Even marriage will not make us a family".

Where is all this coming from?

Is there anything we can do for this disturbed little girl? We've started taking her to a private child psychologist as the NHS waiting list is at least 8 weeks.

I admit, I've started avoiding DSD where possible as I feel very anxious when she's around. She recently came up to me and asked "Is the baby dead yet?"

OP posts:

RadarLoveBug · 10/05/2017 11:01

Oh dear. Yes a private psychologist would be able to help but this little girl is going to need a lot of input/help that will be very hard to give with the number of other small kids involved. Her dad is going to need to focus very hard on her and you both are going to need a plan. One very simple thing that works wonders is special time. Give her 30 minutes a day 1:1 with you both. If you can't do 30 do 10 or whatever you have to give. She gets to dictate exactly what you play and how you play it. She needs desperately to connect with you both. Avoiding her, whilst understandable, isn't going to help and she's screaming for it.

littlehandcuffs · 10/05/2017 11:02

That sounds really hard, the words she is using don't sound like a 6 year olds.

Mombie2016 · 10/05/2017 11:06

"Disturbed" Really? She's not torturing animals ffs.

What she's having is a normal reaction to stress. A new baby is stressful for small children. You also say there's LA involvement? Is she living with you now? If so that's a huge upheaval and if she's been removed from her mother then she's also, I assume, experienced some abuse and or neglect.

Read Love Bombing by Oliver James. The child needs love and consistency and reassurance not you avoiding her!

NameChange30 · 10/05/2017 11:08

"Where is all this coming from?"

Her mother? Seems the most likely explanation.

Does she live with you all full time or does she live with her mother or see her regularly?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/05/2017 11:09

I'm guessing it's all coming from her Mum?That's not the language of a 6yo.

I think you'd do FAR better to love bomb her than stay away from her. She's 6 & she needs love & security.

Buy childrens books about divorce, blended families, the meaning of family etc and read them with all the children. Draw with her and do family pictures. But a (yes, tacky) FAMILY photo frame. Just keep showing & telling her that you ARE a family and that family includes her Mum too, even when her Mum is upset & angry with the world.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 10/05/2017 11:11

Are they perhaps her dm words?
Maybe some age appropriate books about what makes a family until you can get an appointment with a professional.

Original poster

TickingTimeBomb2017 · 10/05/2017 11:11

the words she is using don't sound like a 6 year olds

That's what I thought. "Even marriage won't make us a family" Could someone be brainwashing?

Mombie2016 Asking of the baby is dead yet - is that not disturbed?

To answer your Q, I have 50/50 residency of my DC. And DP has 50/50 residency of DSD. LA is involved as DSD's parents are constantly in conflict.

Love Oliver James btw.

OP posts:

Mombie2016 · 10/05/2017 11:13

I think it sounds like an adults words coming out of a child's mouth so no I don't find it disturbing.

I don't understand why the LA are involved for parental conflict? Surely the court order is sorted and both have to abide by it... Don't see what it's got to do with the LA unless there's some massive backstory we're not being told.

NameChange30 · 10/05/2017 11:16

It'll be her mother, then. With 50/50 residency she has plenty of time to put such negative thoughts in her head

Maybe you could Place2Be and see if they can offer any counselling or just some advice?

I agree with PPs that you need to give her lots of love and attention, certainly don't avoid her

NameChange30 · 10/05/2017 11:17

Correction:
maybe you could contact Place2Be

ThatsNotMyMummy · 10/05/2017 11:20

oh god how difficult, I think the child psychologist is the only thing you can do.
The baby has obviously triggered things for her, even with clearly her mums input she's having some concerns about her place in the family and realising that things are changing.
It must be hard to see your parent, parent other children and then suddenly theres a baby in the mix - to use her words, that baby has a "proper" family and one home.
I can see why you don't want to be around her, but i think you need to reinforce and reasure that you are a family and aren't going anywhere.
Poor little girl.

Lemonnaise · 10/05/2017 11:21

Sounds to me like she's repeating what another adult has told her(probably her DM). Has her mother been asked if she's telling her these things? I know she'd probably deny it but it might be enough to let her know you are on to her games.

Original poster

TickingTimeBomb2017 · 10/05/2017 11:22

Mombie2016 would an adult ask a pregnant woman if her baby was dead yet?

If her mum is putting such thoughts into her head, is this not emotional abuse?

OP posts:

highinthesky · 10/05/2017 11:22

And now suddenly she's started saying "We are not a proper family and we never will be; Even marriage will not make us a family".

It sounds like her mother is as bitter as fuck. In your position I would be taking a long hard look at DP and they way he has treated his wife. Would it really have been that hard to keep her on side in the interest of his DD? Are you seen as the OW? As for Cafcass involvement - inabilities to put the child's interests first, or a safeguarding issue? The latter would explain the involvement of the LA.

But if that were the case surely you would be more bothered by this than this little girl's comment.

NameChange30 · 10/05/2017 11:23

You could also call the Young Minds parents' helpline:
youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/

mugginsalert · 10/05/2017 11:23

I also think this sounds like a fairly age-typical response to experience of stress. Try not to get too caught up in the exact language she is using - she may be deliberately phrasing things to test you/upset you/provoke a reaction, and bringing in concepts she might have half understood from other adults, but she won't be bringing a full adult understanding to the specific comments she makes. This sounds like a challenging time but also one of great opportunity to consolidate her understanding of what family means and is - consistency and unconditional love very important.

FWIW my son is age 6 and being a right sod - competitive, whingy, selfish, picking on his little sister, calling me names. I think it is a time when children can be quite challenging anyway and obviously that will feed in to their response to changing circumstances.

Atenco · 10/05/2017 11:28

I know at five, my dd had no real concept of death, but that was so many moons ago, I can't remember if the penny had dropped by age 6.

Original poster

TickingTimeBomb2017 · 10/05/2017 11:35

Would it really have been that hard to keep her on side in the interest of his DD?

As far as I can see, DP has tried that, but his ex is hostile. And no, I'm certainly not the OW. I met DP a year after they had separated. His ex has a partner who she seems happy with, if that's relevant.

inabilities to put the child's interests first

Yes, this is the language that was put in the cafcass report. Essentially, the report said that they are both crap parents (school punctuality bad, constant bickering in front of child, that sort of thing). I try to stay out of it. Very stressful.

AnotherEmma thanks for the links, I'll pass them to DP.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 10/05/2017 11:40

"the report said that they are both crap parents"
Oh dear
What do you think about his parenting? How is he with his daughter and stepchildren when you're around?

Original poster

TickingTimeBomb2017 · 10/05/2017 11:43

What do you think about his parenting? How is he with his daughter and stepchildren when you're around?

He engages well with the kids, they all love him. Very attentive and playful. But he is scatty and disorganized.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 10/05/2017 11:45

I suppose you do all the thinking and organising, then?

There is also Family Lives, they have a helpline and advice on a new baby in a step family: www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/stepfamilies/becoming-a-step-parent/new-baby-in-a-stepfamily/

HorridHenryrule · 10/05/2017 11:49

As soon as the court received the application for divorce they then get cafcas involved. It's not unusual the court wants to ensure the child is heard but they don't necessarily go with it. 50/50 is in the best interest of the child. The LA getting involved has she played up at school as well?

Separation is not only hard on the parents but also the child. Not seeing mummy and daddy together anymore and then a new step mummy with children and a new baby on the way. You and your dp need to spend more time with her to make her feel safe and wanted. What does every child want its attention that's why she's kicking off. You and your dp need to give that to her. My daughter started playing up as soon as her sister was born she changed. She didn't get the same attention I had to work on that with her.

Original poster

TickingTimeBomb2017 · 10/05/2017 11:53

What does every child want its attention that's why she's kicking off.

She gets a minimum of 2 hours every day, alone with her dad. He takes her swimming, to the library, to classes.

OP posts:

Lapinlapin · 10/05/2017 11:56

It sounds like she's desperate for reassurance that you and her dad will still love her when the baby's born. Perhaps she's worried the baby will replace her in your affections.

Original poster

TickingTimeBomb2017 · 10/05/2017 11:57

It's confusing because my DC are thriving and showing no signs of distress.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2