Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DSD (6) suddenly saying we're not a proper family

49 replies

TickingTimeBomb2017 · 10/05/2017 10:53

Backstory: Been with DP for 2 years, expecting a son in Autumn. DP has a DD (6) and I have a DD (6) and DS (5). The kids get on really well together. DSD has always enthusiastically referred to my kids as her 'sis' and 'little bruv'. All kids excited for the new baby, enjoy talking to my tummy, discussing what he will look like, etc.

DP is currently at the final stages of his divorce, and it has been very messy to say the least (Cafcass involvement; now LA involvement). DSD has developed behavioural issues (become highly competitive, tantruming, shouting a lot). Sometimes she hits her dad and says "You love [DD and DS] more than me". She picks fights A LOT. And now suddenly she's started saying "We are not a proper family and we never will be; Even marriage will not make us a family".

Where is all this coming from?

Is there anything we can do for this disturbed little girl? We've started taking her to a private child psychologist as the NHS waiting list is at least 8 weeks.

I admit, I've started avoiding DSD where possible as I feel very anxious when she's around. She recently came up to me and asked "Is the baby dead yet?"

OP posts:

Mombie2016 · 10/05/2017 11:59

No an adult wouldn't but she's not an adult is she? She's SIX. I highly doubt she'd come up with that on her own, which means probably her mother has been saying it Again though, not the child's fault.

Seems the poor girl has two useless parents to be honest. Your DP can't even get her to school on time? Why else are the LA involved? There's got to be more to it.

highinthesky · 10/05/2017 12:00

Yes, this is the language that was put in the cafcass report. Essentially, the report said that they are both crap parents (school punctuality bad, constant bickering in front of child, that sort of thing). I try to stay out of it. Very stressful.

Please be very careful here. When your love goggles finally fall you are going to find this a problem, on a daily basis. People revert to type under stress. Do you want your children to be exposed to this?

If not, look out for tendencies and make it clear what you will and won't tolerate.

Mombie2016 · 10/05/2017 12:01

Your DC have, I assume, two well balanced parents who get on well and have no LA involvement? They have stable parents your DSD doesn't.

HorridHenryrule · 10/05/2017 12:06

All you can do is show her how to be a woman and a good role model to look up to. She probably hasn't seen that yet.

Glitterbaby17 · 10/05/2017 12:56

My DSD is older (11) and we are expecting a baby later this month. On the whole she is super excited but there is also some anxiety and 'odd' questions despite her being older than your DSD. She is also quite clingy so am trying to make sure we make time for her. Also planning nice things with her for after baby arrives so she doesn't feel I'm suddenly with baby all the time and no time for her. We are going to see Little Mix in July and have promised her a shopping trip week before to get a new outfit. If needs be will park OH and baby in coffee shop nearby so can pop back to feed 😂

Her Mum is also being a bit toxic and it is unhelpful. We are pushing how much the baby will look up to her, and how lucky she is to have her as a big sister.

Good luck!

ThatsNotMyMummy · 10/05/2017 13:04

It's confusing because my DC are thriving and showing no signs of distress.
Id imagine because they are benefiting from the stable, peaceful, loving, organised home you are giving them. Your step daughter isn't getting that, she is only getting that 50% of the time, and in the 50% of the time mum and dad are arguing, we are presuming mums playing drip drip with poison, as well as her own mixed confusing feelings. She is also an only, she now has two siblings to share her dad with and now theres another one on the way. Thats going to be hard to deal with.

Although they share the same home 50% of the time, your kids and her life are a world apart.

Lunar1 · 10/05/2017 13:08

It's a lot to go through for anyone never mind such a young child. Two crap parents, divorce, new partners on both sides while parents are no even divorced and are still fighting, step siblings, and now a baby on the way. I honestly feel so sorry for her.

littlehandcuffs · 10/05/2017 14:57

Really hope that things settle down for you once baby arrives and any fears that she will be rejected etc. come to nothing. Words don't mean as much as actions when it comes to little ones, just be consistant with love and attention. x

WannaBe · 10/05/2017 14:58

So, in two years you have all moved in together, have the kids referring to each other as brothers/sisters etc, are having another baby, and your DP isn't even divorced yet?

It sounds as if you have rushed into this idea of a utopian happy family and that in reality the kids have been totally disregarded in this process. You've been happy that they're all getting on and haven't considered for a second the impact of you having another baby at the same time that DSD is having to come to terms with the reality that her parents will never be together as a family.

And it's likely that the reason your kids are more on board with it is because it's their mum having another baby vs their dad's partner. Kids do see it differently, I know my DS does, although he wouldn't be keen on me having another baby either, and I have no intentions of ever having one..... .

It is possible that the ex has said something either to or in front of the DSD, which of course is not appropriate, but given the dynamic of the relationship between her and your DP, the fact cafcas have been involved and been pretty damning about both of them, it sounds likely that she can see that this is just a car crash in waiting.

Re the comment about the baby, is it possible DSD knows someone who has a baby that died? A friend at school perhaps? Did dp and his ex ever los a baby perhaps? It doesn't sound like something an adult would say to a child even out of spite, it sounds more like something that a child has thought in response to someone else's loss, iyswim.

Bluntness100 · 10/05/2017 15:09

This would deeply concern me. Scatty and disorganised is one thing, thr cafcass report is something else, from what uou say it categorises two people who are focused only on themselves to the children's detriment. This is now being paid back in his child's behaviour.

Six years old is tiny, and this is a deeply disturbed little girl. She does need reassurance, not someone else trying to avoid her. Please don't be like the other shitty parents in her life and also be unable to manage her needs. Don't avoid her and if she says something disturbing, address it and reassure her.

For me, I couldn't be with a man who was a shit parent, and I certainly couldn't justify it by saying he was scatty and disorganised. He's an adult and his behaviour is a choice he is making unless he has some form of mental disability.

needsahalo · 10/05/2017 15:52

50/50 is in the best interest of the child

I can think of many reasons why this may not be the case.

swingofthings · 10/05/2017 16:13

"Disturbed" hmm Really? She's not torturing animals ffs.
I agree, a bit of an extreme choice of word for a child whose behaviour has only recently changed.

It's confusing because my DC are thriving and showing no signs of distress.
But who says they won't do at another time. Kids are not programmed machines. They react to things happening to their lives differently and/or at different time. They ALL go through stages though, some we can explain, some we can't, most are nothing but just stages and only need small adjustments and some not at all, whilst others require more input.

You say that CAFCASS are involved, so clearly there are circumstances that you haven't expanded on. It does sound like there is likely an issue with mum's behaviour, but then again, we don't know how you got to be in your OH and therefore SD's life, except that it all happened very quickly when they were not yet divorced. It does sound like if there are issues with her behaviour/feelings, it is could more as a reaction of the choices and behaviours of a number of people in her life.

You say she is seeing a psychologist? Who has arranged it? Her mum, her dad, the CAFCASS officer?

stitchglitched · 10/05/2017 16:19

Isn't it your DP who's ex recently got an occupation order because you were living in her home and so she couldn't? Not long ago he wanted you to wear her clothes. I would say the reason your kids are settled is that they live mainly with their Dad so are kept away from the conflict and toxicity going on. Surprised you are pregnant when you've got so many ongoing issues with your partner, his daughter and his ex.

swingofthings · 10/05/2017 16:37

In France, a judge rarely awards 50/50 shared care to parents who can't get along because it is considered essential to make it successful.

In this case, conflict must indeed be quite bad if Cafcass and the LA are involved. I expect the child is completely confused. Assuming 50/50 was agreed from the start, she had to get used to this new arrangement, then to the arrangement but with another man in her life 50% of the time, then another woman in the other 50%, then siblings, and now yet another change with a new baby coming. That's a lot in only 1/3 of her life, of which she will not remember much of the first 1/3!

My personal view is in line with the French approach. I don't think a 50/50 arrangement works in this condition and maybe she would be better living with her dad and visiting her dad every other week-end.

GeorgeTheHamster · 10/05/2017 16:54

As soon as the court gets the application for divorce they then get cafcas involved

That's not true.

WannaBe · 10/05/2017 17:13

Ah, have just had a look at previous threads ref the occupation order.

OP posted here a few weeks ago saying that she was resentful of the DSD because the DP has to pick her up from school every day and she no longer gets time with him as a couple....

So you're not exactly playing happy families here are you OP? You resent your DSD to the point that you stated in your other thread that you'd "signed up for 50/50 and nothing more,"

And before someone says that looking at other threads is not on, it is when a child is being blamed for something and an ex is being blamed when actually the OP has been resentful towards this child for some time now, so it's hardly surprising that she's exhibiting behavioural issues, if she actually is......

Mombie2016 · 10/05/2017 17:30

WannaBe I agree with you. I didn't realise it was her

Marmalade85 · 10/05/2017 17:32

Sounds like you have rushed headfirst into a new blended family with little consideration for the child so no wonder she is upset. Why have a baby with someone that is a 'crap parent' as you describe?

highinthesky · 10/05/2017 17:44

Wtf is the point of posting for advice without offering the full story? Rin=Rout.

The MN community advises those in genuine need and should not be trolled in this way. Its time better spent with our own kids.

CrazedZombie · 10/05/2017 17:56

Children's behavior can change after the birth of a sibling as well as before. In my case dd regressed from super independent to needing babying. It took a few months for her to go back to her usual self.

Disturbed is way too extreme a word. Sibling jealousy is very common and it would pay to be understanding of that. Wishing the baby dead is just her way of saying that she was happy with the status quo and doesn't want things to change. She wants the baby dead (gone) because she's feeling insecure. Things are going to change someday in the near future. 5months or however long she has until the sibling arrives is a long time to feel anxious. She won't even know what 5 months feels like. Even if you and your h are lovebombing her, she will be noticing that the spotlight is being shone on someone other than her. Change is scary and you parents should be more understanding.

As for the "marriage won't make a proper family" comment - this sounds like something that she could have overheard or watched on TV. The ex sounds antagonistic but she could have been bitching to another adult and dsd is repeating that? It's the sort of cliched line that appears in crappy Disney Channel type programmes.

AyeAmarok · 10/05/2017 18:09

Pointless waste of everyone's time, this.

NameChange30 · 10/05/2017 18:11

high
"Wtf is the point of posting for advice without offering the full story?"

People do it all the bloody time! That's why I sometimes do an advanced search for other threads, although it's frowned upon for some reason. But it's annoying when you post in good faith and realise later on that it was basically a waste of time.

Atenco · 10/05/2017 18:18

I never did understand why searching past threads is considered to be bad form.

runloganrun101 · 10/05/2017 18:25

Your situation rings out for me. DP and his ex are awful parents, so I was asked by SS to either step up with his DC or watch them go to care, and so DP and I together got full custody. Is there any way you could request the same?

Flip

1 2