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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Completley freaking out!

89 replies

Runrabbit1 · 03/05/2017 14:23

My partner and I are buying a house together and blending our families after 1.5yrs. Have two boys each. We move in in 2 weeks but last night he completely freaked out. My eldest son (14) has adhd and finds change very difficult and is struggling with jealousy towards his kids. My partner gave my son the biggest room with ensure as he needs space and is the eldest. However yesterday rung and said if his kids didn't have that room we weren't moving. They are sharing a smaller bedroom (their choice to share aged 10 and 7) but they are only there 2 nights one week and 5 the next week. I thought this was unfair as that bedroom was a carrot for my son and his jealousy will go through the roof If suddenly his room is given to the very people he sees as a threat!
Next my partner says he can't live with my Son as sometimes he gets angry. He is a teenager with adhd so a given really!

He said if he ever directs his anger at his kids that will be it and he won't tolerate it. I'm very worried my life will be spent in edge in case my Son gets angry (which orlf course is normal and will happen). He also said he can't be jealous but in a blended family that always right and is a matter of time while everyone gets used to it?

He's dropped this on me when I have given notice on my rental property and HAVE to be out in 2 weeks whereas if we pull out of the sale, he just gets to live in his house still.

Im feeling very panicked and just wondered if anyone has moved in together and blended families? Did you both get cold feet and freat out like we seem to be? Did it work or was it hell? Thanks

OP posts:

CountessYgritte · 05/05/2017 05:41

He has ADHD. It tends to get s more knee jerk response than ADHD even though ADHD is a neurological disability not a behaviour disorder

norah123 · 05/05/2017 05:54

So sorry to hear that.

swingofthings · 05/05/2017 05:56

The posters saying they wouldn't tolerate your sons behaviour and you are making excuses for him do not understand ADHD. It is relentless and very hard to deal with
From my perspective, the mention excuses are not in direct relation to dealing with the ADHD, but to consider that because of it, his needs should automatically be prioritised. I think his is wrong for the other children as much as give the wrong message to the child with ADHD.

I do agree with you as stated that the issue is the low self-esteem which is most likely causing the jealousy, but dealing with this by saying 'you can have all the best and others will have to accept your behaviour' is totally counter productive because it will make the other kids resent him and therefore make him feel even more unworthy.

Maybe OP's boyfriend showed much sympathy but that sympathy is diminishing because it feels one direction and it is OP who is not prepared to accept that her son will also need to make efforts and compromise.

And indeed, we are back to the one thing we all agree about, to adjust, get to know each other, and therefore be prepared to make efforts and compromise demands time, a lot more than the time it's been given so far. They both got it wrong, but it seems that it is the boyfriend who is now realising this rather than OP.

HomityBabbityPie · 05/05/2017 06:22

Oh beg your pardon countess,I misread your post.

CountessYgritte · 05/05/2017 09:44

I agree that ADHD doesn't mean he should have the best room. It isn't logical. That was actually a stupid suggestion by the BF. Which he then went back on. I don't think that child's needs should be prioritised over others but he will need more support and help with transition. It is also important he has a space he feels safe in and isn't a place of conflict.

Anyhow. I'm out.

muckypup73 · 05/05/2017 09:48

I agree with everyone else.

lizzyj4 · 07/05/2017 08:39

Irrespective of whether your son should or should not have the biggest room, your DP is telling you something very important about what your life together will be like. What he's asking of your son is unrealistic, you already know that. Even without ADHD in the mix, there will be inevitable conflicts between the children. What your DP is saying is that when that happens, irrespective of why, your son is going to get the blame. You'll spend your whole time standing between your son and your DP (metaphorically speaking). Been there, done that, it's v. stressful and hard work. Please don't do it, either to yourself or your son.

youarenotkiddingme · 07/05/2017 09:48

It's not about having the big room to pacify the ADHD and resultant behaviours but about everyone having the right space within a family home to co exist.
In this case the larger room has an ensuite which will give the OPs ds space and limit anxiety and conflict because someone is in a space he needs.

If the other children want to share and the room decides on for both is big enough then there isn't any reason to change the originally planned set up. And if it's changed maybe the eldest could use the ensuite for the 7/14 days it won't be used by his step siblings.

I think the size of the rooms actually does matter here. If the original plan was to fit 2 singles into a 3x3m room that will barely leave space for wardrobes etc whilst the eldest had a 6x5m room to themselves then perhaps the hindsight has value and it's more a case of discussion around how everything will work. E.g. - could a small ensuite be added to the middle sized room?

The difficult situation will be with regards the anger and lashing out. I have a son with asd so understand but can also see why DP would be worried about putting his 7&10yo in a situation where they are likely to get hurt.

Personally I'd say you need to delay moving in together whilst working on the DCs relationship until this will work for all involved.

Original poster

Runrabbit1 · 07/05/2017 14:29

Thank you for all your responses. I am still thinking about what's best as DP has said "let's just get on with it" but now he's brought up his doubts it's hard to.

Another doubt that was brought up was he's put the majority of the deposit down (I will be putting an inheritance in at a later date) but he's now using that saying it's his house and if my Son doesn't comply me and my boys will have to move out. That is very unsettling for me. The house is in joint names though so not sure it would be as easy as he's thinks but not the best basis to start a new life.

OP posts:

user1486915549 · 07/05/2017 14:37

Wow, just wow !
Will you be paying a share of the mortgage ?
If it is not too late I would pull out of the purchase now.
Sounds like your DP has changed his mind anyway.
This is not a loving relationship ! !

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 07/05/2017 14:42

There is no way in hell I'd be considering NC moving in with him with that attitude

Original poster

Runrabbit1 · 07/05/2017 15:23

Yes I would be paying towards the mortgage each month and the bills.

Is it reasonable to say if there was any fighting between the boys then we have to part or is it part of normal life that 4 testosterone filled boys will fight at some points and to accept that's normal?
If they were normal brothers it would be a given so as they are step brothers it's more difficult for the kids surely? And life isn't a smooth path always.. DP should be thinking how we'll get through it together than than threatening me

OP posts:

LittleNellsDog · 07/05/2017 15:32

Seriously re think, the more you post the worse he sounds.

Squeegle · 07/05/2017 15:37

You cannot do this
It has red flags all over it. You have to put your son first otherwise it will go wrong. I know this is really hard, but I read your other thread too and this just isn't on. ADHD kids need patience understanding and tolerance . Let's face it he is going to be angry. Your DP has to confront the reality of this, and be supportive. If he can't do it you can't do this to your DS . It's not fair on him.

Underthemoonlight · 07/05/2017 16:04

I'm surprised your still considering there's so many red flags it's unbelievable.

My friend did put a larger amount of deposit in her house and had a solicitor letter drawn up at the time stating this. Thank god she did because they later split up and her property was protected, another ex was shocked at this suggestion but I don't blame her so I could understand him having this type of arrangement set in place legally but not to turn you out. It's clear you don't know each other your DC most likely don't know each over well and it sounds like it's going to be a bomb that goes off

TheElephantofSurprise · 07/05/2017 16:07

Your 'partner' is telling you he doesn't want to make a family with you and your sons.

Please organise your own accommodation and reconsider whether you want him in your life at all.

picklemepopcorn · 07/05/2017 16:40

I'm afraid he's being very controlling.

It isn't that what he is saying is completely wrong, more that he is arranging everything so it will always be your fault and you will always pay the price. He sees you and your DCs as subservient to his.

Now in some ways, yes, his DCs must be his priority. He may actually just be highlighting genuine problems which suggest you are not ready to move in together.

The way he is doing it, though, is big time not on.

Do not give this man any power over you. He will advance his agenda at your expense.

MrsPringles · 07/05/2017 20:04

Op. Don't do it. Just don't do it. This is going to end badly.
Just run in the opposite direction as fast as you can.

Magda72 · 07/05/2017 22:38

OP - I think it's very understandable for your Dp to have doubts about his ability to cope with your son - that's only human. However, this is not him expressing doubt - this is him basically telling you that your new house is his & he will set the rules. These are not the words or actions of a man who sees you all as a family unit moving forward. Follow the advice given here & pull out. I know the thoughts of losing him are probably awful for you, but you will end up a wreck trying to please everyone.

swingofthings · 08/05/2017 05:41

OP, it looks like you are too far in it now to get out of it, so go ahead and do your upmost to try to make it work. It still can both of you are prepared to make a huge effort to try to understand the perspective of the other and go towards them.

In your case, it means you appreciating that the whole family can't evolve solely on the needs of your eldest and for him to appreciate that your son has a condition that means that he will do things he wouldn't otherwise do without the condition.

A few weeks before I decided to move with my OH, I was told not to, and came to a crossroad as my house was being rented. The reason wasn't to do with the kids but issues with our relationship and many arguments. I can say that our love and commitment to each other won over and we've been happy together for 8 years, soon to be married for 4. We had to work hard together and sometimes accept to do things to make the other happy, even when he didn't agree with it, but when you really love each other, the more you give to the other, the more they give back.

I wish you good luck and hope you come back in a few months to tell us how against all odds, you have made it work for you all.

ZilphasHatpin · 08/05/2017 06:43

OP, it looks like you are too far in it now to get out of it

No it's not. It's never too late.

picklemepopcorn · 08/05/2017 06:49

I'm with zilphas. Do not get financially entangled with him. Do not put yourself and DCs more into his power. He has already lost you your home.

swingofthings · 08/05/2017 08:59

If OP has signed the mortgage agreement how is it not too late? It's a case of trying to make it work or selling the house and losing money not taking into account finding somewhere else to live.

ZilphasHatpin · 08/05/2017 09:01

Has she paid any money towards it? No. Should she? No. She needs to walk away from it. She needs a solicitor and to find out the least expensive way of getting out of this arrangement. But she shouldn't hand him a single penny for this house, nor should she set foot in it.

TheHobbitMum · 08/05/2017 09:15

OP before your last update I was all for going ahead with the move and was thinking your DP outbursts was nerves etc but now there would be no way I'd move in with him! How dare he threaten you all to make sure you "behave" unbelievable. Don't put yourself or your boys in this situation, it has red flags all over it. You will all end up far worse off emotionally if this move goes ahead, he sounds an abusive cockwomble, sorry

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