Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Completley freaking out!

89 replies

Runrabbit1 · 03/05/2017 14:23

My partner and I are buying a house together and blending our families after 1.5yrs. Have two boys each. We move in in 2 weeks but last night he completely freaked out. My eldest son (14) has adhd and finds change very difficult and is struggling with jealousy towards his kids. My partner gave my son the biggest room with ensure as he needs space and is the eldest. However yesterday rung and said if his kids didn't have that room we weren't moving. They are sharing a smaller bedroom (their choice to share aged 10 and 7) but they are only there 2 nights one week and 5 the next week. I thought this was unfair as that bedroom was a carrot for my son and his jealousy will go through the roof If suddenly his room is given to the very people he sees as a threat!
Next my partner says he can't live with my Son as sometimes he gets angry. He is a teenager with adhd so a given really!

He said if he ever directs his anger at his kids that will be it and he won't tolerate it. I'm very worried my life will be spent in edge in case my Son gets angry (which orlf course is normal and will happen). He also said he can't be jealous but in a blended family that always right and is a matter of time while everyone gets used to it?

He's dropped this on me when I have given notice on my rental property and HAVE to be out in 2 weeks whereas if we pull out of the sale, he just gets to live in his house still.

Im feeling very panicked and just wondered if anyone has moved in together and blended families? Did you both get cold feet and freat out like we seem to be? Did it work or was it hell? Thanks

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 03/05/2017 16:44

Sorry: If you're about to move into a house you've bought you didn't make that decision last week did you?

CrazedZombie · 03/05/2017 16:49

18 months isn't long for couples without children. How much time have the kids spent with each other and the other step parent? Assuming that they met 6 months after you got together, that's not much at all especially as the stepkids visit 50% of the time.

It sounds like you need to sit down and talk about expectations and rules before living together. Teens do not go to bed at the same time as 7 year olds so even if they are being quiet, they still have to go to the loo or get a drink etc

RebootYourEngine · 03/05/2017 17:08

This has disaster written all over it.

He sounds like a Disney dad. There is no way i would be in a relationship let alone live with one. I can see your children suffering so much if you go ahead with the move.

swingofthings · 03/05/2017 17:27

You seem to be making a lot of excuses for your son and I expect this is what is worrying your boyfriend. It sounds like he thought it would be ok if you were united, but the latest developments has raised his alarm bells and now thinks that however unfortunate it is to backtrack now, it's not half as bad as doing so once you've moved in together.

I personally think that it is very wrong to be expecting your son to have a large bedroom for himself and expecting his children to share a smaller bedroom just because he has jealousy issues. His issues need to be dealt with by helping him raise his self-esteem, not rewarding him for it.

Also, adhd or not, it's not ok to ignore the impact of taking one's anger on someone else. It is not excusable. My son has anger issues and at times, it got very bad, to the point that it upset him a lot but he didn't know how to control it. I never told him he was a bad person for being angry, but I also never said it was ok or excusable and did tell him off when he took it on someone else. We've worked through it, he is now rarely angry and when he is, knows much better how to tackle it.

As others have said, it sounds like everything has been rushed and not thought through properly.

Lunar1 · 03/05/2017 17:54

His doesn't sound like the right move for any of the children. His children shouldn't have to behave perfectly in their own him to avoid being lashed out at. You can't bribe children with the promos of a big room to make them ready for a blended family.

Maybe your partners children should have had the bigger room from the outset if they are sharing. It sounds like they stay a lot. It's odd to give a single child the biggest room while making two share a small one. Either way, the fact that he couldn't talk to you without dramatics should ring alarm bells.

Ditsy1980 · 03/05/2017 18:22

This doesn't sound like the right move at the moment.
You said he'd apologised and admitted he'd freaked out but then he went on to say that your boys aren't to wake his boys up....eh?!? Your sons are meant to walk on eggshells in their own home so as not to disturb his children?
This is not blending families, this is you all moving in together but his sons will clearly take priority and precedence over yours. I wouldn't want my children to feel second class or that they couldn't be comfortable in their home.

choli · 03/05/2017 18:22

What exactly happens when your son gets angry and "lashes out"?

Original poster
Runrabbit1 · 03/05/2017 18:23

Just to be clear, it was my partners choice that my Son had the big room.. his reasons being he's the eldest and can be self contained with his ensuite. It was also my partners choice that his boys share and he spent MONTHS measuring the bedrooms so he chose which they had and which my youngest son had. None of it down to me.

I'm not excusin any behaviour of my Son's. Its NEVER go to hurt someone, regardless if his condition. My point was I don't want to worry every second that he might get cross and I font want the others worrying. Of course it might be better if we were all together as it would be one the norm

OP posts:
Original poster
Runrabbit1 · 03/05/2017 18:24

Sorry about my spelling mistakes and wrong words. Rushed it and now can't edit it.

OP posts:
NellieFiveBellies · 03/05/2017 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Guitargirl · 03/05/2017 18:26

You would be bonkers to move in with this man (IMO).

picklemepopcorn · 03/05/2017 20:05

His sons are part time, yours full time? So I can see your son having the bigger room made sense. He also needs an area to have quiet time when he is getting overstimulated. It sounds as though you feel your son needs special provision because of his needs (he does). DP thinks his sons need special provision because.... So your kids mustn't wake his up, there are issues over a nightlight... There is already jealousy.

His behaviour over this- issuing last minute ultimatums etc, is appalling. And apologising after doesn't make it ok. There is another thread on here where a DP says awful things then 'takes them back'.

Too many issues. Please don't do it. He has shown you who he is and where his priorities lie. If you let this go then he will do it again and again until you and your DS are tiptoeing on eggshells trying to avoid trouble.

WannaBe · 03/05/2017 21:25

I think the dp is being given an unnecessarily hard time here.

If anyone posted here saying that they were having reservations about moving in with their partner with their seven and ten year olds and that partner had a violent fourteen year old they would be told to put the breaks on and to not move in for the sake of the younger kids. And yes I realise that the OP hasn't specifically stated that her DS is violent, however she has made reference to the fact that he has anger issues and that he is liable to lash out at the younger children if they don't do as he wants or upset him in any way. That constitutes violent to me and would have me re-thinking at the last minute as well.

Also, I realise that the DS here has ADHD, but that doesn't give him a get-out. He needs to learn to manage his behaviour. All that being said, SN with behavioural issues will put a strain on the strongest relationship, and there is even some corallation between SN and marriage breakdown where both of the parents are the biological parents. If the children all get on well and can co exist together that is one thing, but it doesn't sound as if that is the case here, so it would IMO be unfair on all the children to try and blend these families - possibly ever.

That doesn't mean that you have to split, but maybe wait until the children are older before you look at just the two of you living together.

swingofthings · 04/05/2017 07:57

Once again agree with WannaBe. It sounds like that man is trying his best to please everyone to make the situation as pleasant as possible.

It sounds like he is very keen to move with you, and suggested your son having the largest room to appease you. Then there was another expectation, and another and suddenly, he started to feel that every decision was about making sure your children were happy and his children's needs ignored. When he suggested that the room idea wasn't good, you became defensive and made a point that you believed your son deserved it more than his kids.

He probably had a sudden panic moment imagining all of you together, your eldest ruling the roost whilst his kids had to put up with it. I expect that panic moment was triggered by something your son did, or something you said in a protective way or maybe his kids asked why they should share the small room and he realised he couldn't justify it.

Is the main issue with your son's behaviour is that he shouts and get flustered when angry? If that's the case, that can be very frightening and disturbing for younger children.

You say you don't want to have to worry if your son gets angry but you will have to because of the effect it will likely have on the other children. They will have to learn to adapt, but so will your son.

His priorities is in the right place, and that is to protect his children before anything else. His mistake was to rush things when he should have said that you needed to spend a lot more time all together before being confident that your move would work for the kids as well as work for you.

Underthemoonlight · 04/05/2017 08:05

I also agree swing and Wannabe and glad others have picked up on the aggression and protential violence especially as the other two boys are considerably older. I also agree that ops dp is getting a hard time and it sounds like he's got genuine concerns and rightly so. I wouldn't move my children into a household where one of the older children could be considerably aggressive and lash out that's just simply acceptable.

Underthemoonlight · 04/05/2017 08:05

"considerably younger"

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 04/05/2017 08:19

I'd be seriously running for the hills here, OP.

Your 'partner'/s' behaviour is a poor show at best - he should have said something before you handed in your notice - and then only a few hours later he's changed his mind again???

Find another rental, tell him you need more time, see what his reaction is.

0dfod · 04/05/2017 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DancingLedge · 04/05/2017 09:34

You don't have agreement on rooms, parenting, jealousy etc.
Not surprising, these are difficult issues

Your elder son is not happy.

It's too soon to move in together

A resident step parent who does not have complete control of his own emotions, and has shown that he's not able to be completely consistent- wow, that is so not going to play out well with a newly blended family, and a child with ADHD.
Not going to be great for you, and extremely likely to be disastrous for your son.

swingofthings · 04/05/2017 10:13

I think the biggest issue to tackle before moving in together is why a 14yo would be jealous of a 10 and 7 yo. If this is what is likely to trigger his anger, then what do you suggest is the solution? Because if it is to give him all he wants at the detriment of the other children, that's not acceptable.

To be fair, it is very surprising that all this didn't come to a head much sooner and I really feel for you that it happened just a couple of weeks before. It sounds like your boyfriend decided to back off from backing off, probably because of his fear of the consequences of doing so, but it is much more likely to be a case of delaying the next crisis than having sorted the issue that brought it in the first place.

If you are going ahead with the move, don't bury your head and take a 'let's see how it goes' attitude. Discuss and agree asap the conflicts that are likely to show itself. Doing so in a calm manner is much more likely to yield better ways to deal with them rather than doing so when you are both frustrated and on the defensive, but once again, the jealousy issue should really be the priority to consider.

bibliomania · 04/05/2017 17:04

I agree that your dp isn't necessarily being out of line with regard to his concerns, but collectively you are not ready to be a blended family just yet.

Live in your own places and enjoy dating. It's the best bit!

CountessYgritte · 05/05/2017 04:56

You need to stay living with just your boys. I have a teen with ADHD and you are still in very sensitive years. He is already jealous and your partner is already saying he don't tolerate this or that.

The posters saying they wouldn't tolerate your sons behaviour and you are making excuses for him do not understand ADHD. It is relentless and very hard to deal with. Someone asked if you had the right support for him - I don't know about you but the only support we get is a twice yearly check in with CAMHS. We are on our own.

It is understandable he is jealous. Most have low self esteem. Maybe he is feeling inadequate or is worried he is losing you to new kids as well as a bf. He needs help to deal with this if you intend to keep the relationship going. Personally I would ditch your DP. He has very little tolerance or empathy for your son. Of course he doesn't want his kids lashed out at but he is making threats about this and that already. What he isn't doing is asking how best you can work as a family to support all the kids but ESPECIALLY your boy.

If you are staying in the relationship, keep separate homes for at least another 18mths. Also insist your wanky bf educates himself extensively about ADHD.

CountessYgritte · 05/05/2017 05:01

If you posted saying your son had ASD and was prone to fits of anger you would have had far kinder responses about him.

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM!

donajimena · 05/05/2017 05:29

Bless you OP. I completely understand your son as mine is the same age and has ADHD. I'm also with a partner and we have decided not to move in together until our children leave school. Don't do it. It doesn't mean the relationship is over. Its just using head over heart.

HomityBabbityPie · 05/05/2017 05:37

If you posted saying your son had ASD and was prone to fits of anger you would have had far kinder responses about him.

She did post that Confused