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Original poster

Completley freaking out!

89 replies

Runrabbit1 · 03/05/2017 14:23

My partner and I are buying a house together and blending our families after 1.5yrs. Have two boys each. We move in in 2 weeks but last night he completely freaked out. My eldest son (14) has adhd and finds change very difficult and is struggling with jealousy towards his kids. My partner gave my son the biggest room with ensure as he needs space and is the eldest. However yesterday rung and said if his kids didn't have that room we weren't moving. They are sharing a smaller bedroom (their choice to share aged 10 and 7) but they are only there 2 nights one week and 5 the next week. I thought this was unfair as that bedroom was a carrot for my son and his jealousy will go through the roof If suddenly his room is given to the very people he sees as a threat!
Next my partner says he can't live with my Son as sometimes he gets angry. He is a teenager with adhd so a given really!

He said if he ever directs his anger at his kids that will be it and he won't tolerate it. I'm very worried my life will be spent in edge in case my Son gets angry (which orlf course is normal and will happen). He also said he can't be jealous but in a blended family that always right and is a matter of time while everyone gets used to it?

He's dropped this on me when I have given notice on my rental property and HAVE to be out in 2 weeks whereas if we pull out of the sale, he just gets to live in his house still.

Im feeling very panicked and just wondered if anyone has moved in together and blended families? Did you both get cold feet and freat out like we seem to be? Did it work or was it hell? Thanks

OP posts:
Somerville · 03/05/2017 14:26

Sorry to hear this. I really think you need to start looking for a different rental property.

Do you have friends or family you can lean on for some emotional support?

Underthemoonlight · 03/05/2017 14:29

Sounds very rushed you haven't been together very long a year and half is no time, could you contact your rental and cancel the notice given. I actually agree with your dp his two boys will be sharing so it makes sense they have the biggest room especially if one of the weeks there are there 5 days. The whole jealsously situation inregards to the boys is concerning and I think it's demonstrated by your DS reaction to them, you need to focus on building relationships between all the boys before moving forward to living together.

MrsPringles · 03/05/2017 14:30

I think find somewhere for just you and your boys and wave goodbye to DP.

That's a lot to drop on you, especially after you had given notice on your current place.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 03/05/2017 14:30

I doubt your relationship can recover from this. He has spelt out to you that he isn't really prepared to blend into one family. He wants his dc to come first every time and in no way is that negotiable. .
Can you restract your notice with a letter of explanation?
Or suggest he gives you some funds to find a new place?
Please don't go ahead with your plans or your life will be as you know it. . Eggshells and second best. .

ZilphasHatpin · 03/05/2017 14:31

Don't buy a house with him! You need to find another rental for just you and your kids. This is a massive flashing neon sign telling you he isn't ready to blend. Don't do it.

gamerchick · 03/05/2017 14:36

Notice he waited until you had given notice on your home Hmm

Pull out of the house sale, find another rental. Don't do this to your son or yourself.

Buying without trying to live together first will be a huge mistake and an eventual miserable headache.

neonrainbow · 03/05/2017 14:41

Don't do it. This has disaster written all over it.

Lunar1 · 03/05/2017 15:24

Better to find out two weeks before than two weeks after. I'd say you've had a lucky escape.

picklemepopcorn · 03/05/2017 15:29

Find another rental property. Do not live with him, even if he apologises and says he just got cold feet.

Run like the wind.

TaDah99 · 03/05/2017 15:30

Hmmm this is a very tricky situation, see both sides here. Obviously this has been dropped on you at very short notice which is very very stressful for you and compounded by the fact that you have given notice on your rental. House buying is a hugely stressful thing and it would seem that your partner is having some last minute jitters which are only natural.

Regarding the jealousy issue and your son's anger, rightly so, your partner is being protective over his children but you also doing the same with your son, so there needs to be some give and take somewhere along the line. I do not understand ADHD so you will have to forgive my ignorance here but ADHD or not, I don't see that giving your son the largest room in order to pacify him is really the right thing to do. It may keep him quiet for a month or two but surely his feelings of jealousy and anger towards the other children will flare up again over time? It is often very difficult to work around the bedroom situation in blended families, believe me I know, however if you do go ahead, I am sure an acceptable solution can be worked out. Will your son be living in the house full time?

Finola1step · 03/05/2017 15:31

Have you exchanged contracts on the new house?

Teardropexplodes · 03/05/2017 15:31

I have a teen with anger issues/SEN. It is really hard on our relationship, and the only kids we have are mine.
I really think you need to hold off moving in together, for a few years. It's up to you whether you go back to dating or call it a day, but blending your families with your partner saying what he is, and your son's jealousy towards his step-sibs sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We went into this with full commitment and only one set of children and it has almost broken us, many times. Do what is right for you and yours, and let him do the same on his side.
Good luck OP Flowers

BitOutOfPractice · 03/05/2017 15:31

It's quite obviously too soon for you all. For him. You. And most importantly, your kids.

Add to that the fact that he's clearly not the man you thought he was and you seriously need to rethink your plans.

And next time, slow the fuck down.

IAmTheWorwax · 03/05/2017 15:33

Is it too late to cancel your notice? It's worth asking.
I couldn't move forward with someone is already making you on edge, your life will become so stressful.

NotHotDogMum · 03/05/2017 15:35

I would try to cancel the notice on your rental, or begin looking for a new home to rent immediately.

I really don't think you are ready to blend your families. You really need to put your DC first.

NotHotDogMum · 03/05/2017 15:37

When I say 'you aren't ready' I mean him of course.

Hidingtonothing · 03/05/2017 15:46

Really unfair of your DP to move the goalposts at this late stage, I would be checking out whether you can retract your notice on your rented property asap. To me the idea of blending a family is that all DC and their needs become priority for both partners and it doesn't sound like your DP is open to doing that for your DC. That would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid OP Flowers

NotHotDogMum · 03/05/2017 15:53

I agree with PP, it's as if he is 'fighting his DC corner' and you need to 'fight for yours', when in fact you should both have all the children's best interests at heart.

Teenagers are tricky at the best of times, your DS may really act out for a while before he settles, I don't think your DP could handle that.

Also 1.5 years is extremely fast to think of moving kids in together.

CrazedZombie · 03/05/2017 15:55

All siblings argue (even his two kids. 😂)

Your partner is being outrageous coming up with these statements at the last minute. I think that you need to find another property pronto.

SparklyMagpie · 03/05/2017 16:15

I also echo other posters saying you need to find another rental property

Is it possible to speak to your landlord and explain and see if you can cancel the notice

Feel for you him dropping this last minute but atleast you know before you moved in together

Original poster
Runrabbit1 · 03/05/2017 16:18

picklemepopcorn he has done just that. Came round last night and said sorry and that he's fine now and he just needs to learn to relax.
I've tried to cancel my notice but they have someone else.

I'm so torn as he's back to normal saying it will be fine. My two boys are so looking forward to the move I don't want to let thru down. Although I do think it's because it's a cool house rather than they want to be best buddies with my partners boys!

OP posts:
Original poster
Runrabbit1 · 03/05/2017 16:25

I do wonder what the future will be like as he's also said my boys can't wake up his kids and he's annoyed that my boys like dark so he was going to compromise on his having a night light but suddenly that's a big issue.
Do you think he just is too set in his ways to change?
I am VERY concerned about my eldest as he is a struggling boy with anger and anxiety as well as being a teenager. I almost guarantee that he will lash out at one of them as they aren't perfect and can provoke him.

Is 1.5yrs too soon? I thought that was pretty conservative! But have no experience of ever doing this.

Is anyone happy in their blended family? Can it ever work properly?

Does anyone just live apart but are together? I am thinking this might be better for us

OP posts:
IAmTheWorwax · 03/05/2017 16:30

Well on the plus side you are just renting, not married or owning a mortgage together. You've got more freedom.
He doesn't sound as if he has your sons needs in mind at all though. I understand everyone will put their own children first but if you are going to live together he needs to view your son as his own.

From what you've written I would honestly back out of this house. If you don't want the relationship to be over you could carry on living separately and see how it progresses. It sounds doomed to fail with his attitude though, I think you could end up really regretting it.

It's your call OP.

Underthemoonlight · 03/05/2017 16:31

Of course 1and half years is far too soon the average length of a relationship that won't last is 18months to 2years, the fact your buying together is extremely quick, you could have atleast got a rental property first without having the commitment of buying to see how you all gelled together prior to making a bigger commitment in buying a property. From your further posts this has got disaster all written over it TBH. What is concerning is how your son is displaying anger and jealsously yet you seem to be rushing into moving in with your dp and his young DC without regard of your son or the other boys. I'm concerned you say he may lash out at one of the younger boys who are only 10 and 7 when your son is a lot stronger at 14. Are you getting the right support for his ADHD?

BitOutOfPractice · 03/05/2017 16:43

Of course it's too soon. Your DP is telling you that. Your DS is telling you that. If you're about to move into a house you've bought you ddn't make that decision. How long has it taken to buy the house? How long had you known him when he you decided you should buy together? Six months? Nine months? That is no time at all. Far far too soon.

Don't forget you are making a massive massive change to your DCs' lives. A change they have no say in and no control over. That's a lot for anyone to take in / accept. I don't think I would accept it easily.

And yes, of course there are people who are together but not living together - me for one. I've been with my DP for 4 years. We live apart. We are very happy. Why the rush?