Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Dp's mother and ex-wife - frequent contact

75 replies

DorothyL · 26/04/2017 17:30

When dp left his exw three years ago her already existing mental health problems spiralled out of control and she had a series of breakdowns. She is now on a more even keel but things might change again.

In all this time dp's widowed mother has supported the exw. She regularly visits the children at exw's house, she's provided childcare for exw, they've been out for meals with the kids and they've even been on overnight visits/holidays to dp's relatives who live further away.

Dp is getting increasingly annoyed with his mother about this, but I'm torn - exw has no family left and if it wasn't for dp's mother she would never get the chance to go on holiday for example, and dp's mother helping her tgrough her breakdowns meant dp couldcarry on as normal, with the children being cared for by dp's mother.

I'm not sure who's right in this?

OP posts:
ChocChocPorridge · 27/04/2017 09:05

My MIL is in regular contact with DP's ex wife and they didn't even have kids! She has a picture of DP's ex wife's son on the wall up next to our kids and her other grandchildren.

Personally I can't see the problem - she helped DP's ex through some issues she had, I have no problem with DP's ex at all, MIL can choose who she is friends with. DP sometimes finds it a bit uncomfortable, but would never dream of telling MIL what to do!

TheMythOfFingerprints · 27/04/2017 09:09

None of this is making him sound any better.
Mh problems and alcohol issues and he still only saw his children 2 days out of 14?

jojo2916 · 27/04/2017 09:15

The only person I know whose ex had mental health problems handed over 75% of his salary to her to make sure the children were ok.

Now that is a real man and father.

^ really? No wonder suicide rates of divorced men are through the roof how on earth could they eat and have a roof over their heads with 25% of their wages

AgainstTheOddsNo2 · 27/04/2017 09:15

But wasn't the sister keeping out of it by not suppling info he could get elsewhere? Different if she was blocking access to the info but it appears she wasn't.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/04/2017 09:22

I think the sister was just not handing over her copies of documents that relate to a property that she owns with her brother.

OP, it really does sound as though your DP expects the women in his life to take all the responsibility and all of the blame. Beware and be very careful.

reallyanotherone · 27/04/2017 09:34

*The only person I know whose ex had mental health problems handed over 75% of his salary to her to make sure the children were ok.

Now that is a real man and father.

^ really? No wonder suicide rates of divorced men are through the roof how on earth could they eat and have a roof over their heads with 25% of their wages*

I agree. It also suggests that a "real man and father" is defined by the money they hand over.

Did he actually parent? Or was it just the money? For me, being actively involved in the kids lives, parenting when the mothers mh issues meant she struggled, supporting her so she could still parent, acting in the best interests of the child, is far more "real man and father" than being holier than thou about how much you pay and martyr yourself.

CrazedZombie · 27/04/2017 10:27

He does pay the correct amount of maintenance
*
If you were referring to the CMS amount then that's the legal minimum that he should be paying.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 27/04/2017 10:31

Either way he left his children with a severely struggling, possibly alcohol dependent mother, whilst she had numerous breakdowns. All because 'he had a one bed flat.'

This. I'm sorry OP but a good man wouldn't act the way your DP has. Those poor kids. Thank god for your DPs mother as he sounds awful.

deckoff · 27/04/2017 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DorothyL · 27/04/2017 12:35

The kids are doing really well which is probably partly to do with the mother's input...

I think I have a lot to think about!

OP posts:
WellErrr · 27/04/2017 12:52

Well it's not to do with his input, is it??

Of course it's down to the mother! All credit to them, the children's mother AND your P's mother.

Still though, greedy cah trying to steal his money Hmm

Atenco · 27/04/2017 14:09

Totally agree with WellErrr

When a man speaks ill of his ex this is usually a sign that this is one you should throw back into the pond.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/04/2017 16:49

My exH and mom are still in contact. I think it's lovely.

Your DP sounds a nightmare op. I could never be with a man who treated his dc and mother of his children with such distain

43percentburnt · 27/04/2017 19:07

If she's an alcoholic which has been caused by mental health issues surely he would have wanted to be the resident parent, only allowing his ex supervised access. I can't imagine leaving my children 24 days out of 28 in an unsafe situation.

With regards the 1 bed flat, i would trade down my car, not take holidays, certainly ditch meals out and takeaways, eat value baked beans to ensure I had my children every other week minimum.

Op I'm thinking you may be seeing him in a different light. He's telling you a lot about himself.

Lunar1 · 28/04/2017 12:21

Bloody hell, partly down to mums input...how on earth to answer that. It's not down to their eow dad is it!

PitilessYank · 29/04/2017 14:22

My brother just split from his long-term BF and my siblings and I are quite upset. His ex will still be Uncle XYZ to my children and is, in fact, their Godfather.

My brother is a sweetie and supports our continued relationship with his ex-BF, but even if he didn't, too bad! i would continue one anyway.

TreeTop7 · 29/04/2017 23:13

Your stepchildren are lucky to have these women in their lives. It could be catastrophic if they were forced to cut contact, given that the children's mum is so unwell. Your partner is clearly not capable of stepping into their shoes, he's full of excuses and woe. Who'd advocate for the children then?

Lelloteddy · 30/04/2017 13:36

His mother sounds amazing. Poor woman must be mortified at her sons attitude and behaviour.

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 30/04/2017 13:45

I don't get this? I'm an ex wife, I'm still in touch with my exes parents.

They are lovely people, they have my DD in school hols and for some of Christmas.

Why shouldn't she see her grandchildren etc, it sounds like you're the jealous one and fuelling the fire for your partner!

Alisvolatpropiis · 30/04/2017 13:48

My mum and my paternal grandmother still buy each other Birthday and Christmas presents, almost 20 years on since my parents split.

My dad has never been bothered by this.

I think it's lovely and it was probably one of a variety of things my parents and wiser family did initially which helped it not feel like mine and my brothers entire family had separated, rather than just our parents.

Alisvolatpropiis · 30/04/2017 13:48

*wider not wiser

DontMindTheStep · 02/05/2017 09:38

There is a side to this though, that I sympathise with. Loyalty from family, and trust in your siblings and parents, can be vital.

If a man has an intolerable marriage to an unstable partner, and she is a drink dependant, it is very hard to keep a relationship going.

As she is mother-of-his-kids, it might mean that, on balance, if she is otherwise a good enough mum, than the children are better of living with her (with her receiving added support) than being removed from their mother. Perhaps she is not in work and is able to give time to, and support their school and social lives.

What the absent dad would like, is loyalty from his own family - having had to take a course of leaving his nuclear family.

It must be awful for him. And hard for the gf to cope with his distress.

If only the family could support the children without crossing a boundary of being disloyal to the dad.

They could help the Dad be a more able parent, helping him foster more contact with his children, rather than giving that support to the ex.

They do sound uncaring of their own son. Perhaps it has evolved because the mums need was so great and the situation was urgent. And if the man becomes angry at the situation they will feel less inclined to side with him.

They need to talk. He needs to appeal to their sense of justice because now he needs some support. Being cast outside your own clan is a painful punishment. It's often hard for men to admit they need help. (Sometimes the situation just get angry).

BitOutOfPractice · 02/05/2017 11:03

What the absent dad would like, is loyalty from his own family

That's exacty what his mom is doing - being loyal, supportive and loving to his children

BitOutOfPractice · 02/05/2017 11:05

They could help the Dad be a more able parent, helping him foster more contact with his children

It doesn't sound like he's interested in that though does it. More concerned about how little he can get away with giving his exW in the divorce settlement

swingofthings · 02/05/2017 17:03

Sorry I am dripfeeding but dp is also angry because of some financial issues - he thinks his mum and also his sister are trying to get exw to get the best financial outcome from the divorce, even if it financially harms him.
I think that really is the issue isn't it, although I'm confused as to what information they could have that they are withholding from him, unless it is information personal to her that they happen to know and that they have the absolute right to keep to secrecy.

It sounds like his mum and sister have taken side with her in the dispute, which frankly says quite a lot.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.