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Original poster

Dp's mother and ex-wife - frequent contact

75 replies

DorothyL · 26/04/2017 17:30

When dp left his exw three years ago her already existing mental health problems spiralled out of control and she had a series of breakdowns. She is now on a more even keel but things might change again.

In all this time dp's widowed mother has supported the exw. She regularly visits the children at exw's house, she's provided childcare for exw, they've been out for meals with the kids and they've even been on overnight visits/holidays to dp's relatives who live further away.

Dp is getting increasingly annoyed with his mother about this, but I'm torn - exw has no family left and if it wasn't for dp's mother she would never get the chance to go on holiday for example, and dp's mother helping her tgrough her breakdowns meant dp couldcarry on as normal, with the children being cared for by dp's mother.

I'm not sure who's right in this?

OP posts:
AngelBlue12 · 26/04/2017 20:25

My brother left his wife whilst she was pregnant with their third child. They are now divorced and she is re-married (he went 11 yrs ago). I still call her my SIL and my children still call her Aunty, she is still their cousins mum. My parents go over to hers and spend time with her and the children.

Allthebestnamesareused · 26/04/2017 20:34

Is his Mum telling her that she should claim child maintenance and DP doesn't want to pay it. Is that the best outcome she is supporting? If so, Dp is being twattish again.

Are you sure it is DP who is cross about the situation and not you (feeling as though you are second best maybe?)

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 26/04/2017 20:38

Why are you looking at is as your MIL helping the ex? She's being a good, caring grandparent and making sure that the main carer of her grandchildren has all the practical and emotional support she's needs to properly care for them.

Your DPs mum sounds like a lovely person OP, unlike her son.

reallyanotherone · 26/04/2017 20:46

i'm afraid i agree. She has mental health issues, no family, and your dp's mum is supporting her and his children.

If your dp doesn't like his mother involved in this way he needs to step up with his kids and parent them so his ex can cope. He left her, so the 1 bed flat is no excuse.

My mil is the same with dh's ex. Treats her like a daughter, sees her more than she sees us. Only his ex had an affair, kicked him out and made him homeless, moved her om in the day she kicked dh out, emptied their joint accounts before he knew he was even separated, and badmouthed him to anyone who would listen.

Now in that case i think dh has a point.

CrazedZombie · 26/04/2017 21:08

Your dp's mum is right and acting like an adult. If she didn't help, the kids could have ended up in care as their dad was unavailable.

The relationship between ex and dp broke down. The kids and ex benefit from a positive relationship with dp's mum and she benefits from a positive relationship with them.

If dp is jealous/insecure then he needs to fill in the gaps provided by his mum or just get over himself.

FerrisMewler · 26/04/2017 21:19

"the children are with us eow"

Was this the case before he began his relationship with you?

His mother sounds like a caring grandmother who stepped in when her son couldn't be bothered to be a decent father.

Original poster
DorothyL · 26/04/2017 22:16

Yes it's always been eow

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 26/04/2017 22:22

Wow, so his mother (who birthed him and raised him!) and sister, have been helping his ex wife get the best outcome from divorce and withholding information from him? That is a massive alarm bell for me. Huge. It says so much.

Atenco · 26/04/2017 23:31

The only person I know whose ex had mental health problems handed over 75% of his salary to her to make sure the children were ok.

Now that is a real man and father.

43percentburnt · 26/04/2017 23:52

He doesnt sound great. Could he have afforded more than a 1 bed flat (round here a 2 bed is only £100 or so more a month)? Could he have slept on a sofa bed? Did the kids stay eow (you say he had them every other weekend prior to your relationship).

Does he voluntarily pay maintenance? Is it the minimum amount? Does he moan about it?

He is telling you who he is, what sort of father he is. He's not selling himself so far.

43percentburnt · 27/04/2017 00:00

His mum may love spending time with the grand children. She may be pleased to be so involved. She may want to feel needed. I'm not sure why your partner is so upset. She is a grandma helping out and spending time with her relatives. She gets company too, maybe she finds his ex a good holiday companion or funny or kind. Maybe they share interests.

What does he want his mum to do/not to do?

Out2pasture · 27/04/2017 00:18

I've read the thread but I'm still left shaking my head, why are you with a "DP" who doesn't have his divorce settled??

ShiningArmour · 27/04/2017 00:34

Oh dear op, perhaps your feeling of being torn is justified. His dm is absolutely right in her actions to support the exwife and their dcs.

Itmustbemyage · 27/04/2017 00:38

So your DP separated from his wife,who had existing MH problems, leaving his children with her. Provided no additional support when her mental health deteriorated, beyond having his children the usual contact EOW, using the size of his flat as an excuse. He is now reluctant to pay his ex a decent amount to bring up his children.
Not only that but he resents his DM and DSis helping his ex which directly benefits his children and he is also annoyed that they think he should pay a decent amount to support his own children.
Wow what a prince, when even his DM and DSis think he is not looking out for his own children I would run a mile personally.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 27/04/2017 00:46

I don't see a problem with your DPs mum seeing as these are her grandchildren we are talking about. Your DP however... Hmm

Original poster
DorothyL · 27/04/2017 05:41

He does pay the correct amount of maintenance, but he is concerned about the split of assets when they get round to getting divorced.

During their marriage exw's mental health problems resulted in alcohol abuse which was not easy to cope with, and alcohol was involved in her breakdowns after the split as well.

Dp feels that his family should keep out of the financial side completely and that his sister especially was just spiteful to deliberately keep information from him.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 27/04/2017 05:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deckoff · 27/04/2017 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DorothyL · 27/04/2017 07:34

Not implying, I would say she is an alcoholic but caused by mental health issues, not sure if that makes her more culpable?

OP posts:
CrazedZombie · 27/04/2017 07:45

If she's an alcoholic with mental health issues then why isn't your partner the resident parent or at least a 50/50 parent? She's still an excellent parent if your EOW partner can sleep at night.

Why do you think the mum and sister are helping the ex? Could it be because they know that there's a high probability that your partner will screw over his wife financially (and therefore screw the kids over too)? Could it be based on how he behaved in the relationship? Or could your partner be narcisstic and imagining that these women are conspiring against him when they are just being supportive because they love each other and the kids? (They are family after all)

Lunar1 · 27/04/2017 07:51

Picture yourself at the other end of this relationship. Children together, stressed, arguing, health problems of your own. He will treat you no differently to how he is treating his ex.

She's under huge pressure, she's responsible for her children 90% of the time while juggling mental health issues. Be glad someone is helping her. She certainly shouldn't be making financial decisions alone while all this is going on.

WellErrr · 27/04/2017 08:18

You/he can't win this one.

Either way he left his children with a severely struggling, possibly alcohol dependent mother, whilst she had numerous breakdowns. All because 'he had a one bed flat.'

cestlavielife · 27/04/2017 08:25

You can have 4 children to stay in a one bed flat. Kids in the bedroom 2 in bed 2 in air beds. Dad sleeps on sofa.
One bed flat is not a reason to not have dc to stay

Mooey89 · 27/04/2017 08:48

I got halfway through your post because I had to check you weren't exH's new GF.

She didn't stop being MiL's DIL when they broke up. She didn't stop being the mother of MIL's grandchildren.
Frankly if your ex can't grow he fuck up and realise that two adults can be friends with who they chose and this is likely to be much more positive for the kids, then I don't know what to say.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/04/2017 08:53

His mother is obviously hugely supportive so he could have stepped up in a number of ways, for example he could have stayed at DM's house with the kids or moved back into the marital home for a couple of weeks while the X stayed at DM's. With such a supporting, loving family around him it's even worse that he couldn't find a way to parent his own kids when they needed him.

I know this is turning into a bit of a pile on OP and I don't mean to add to that - but you are getting really good information about your partner's true character here (not on MN as we don't know him, but in real life through his behaviour). Watch and learn.

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