Starting to feel slightly resentful I need help!

[amiahorribleperson]

I do usually post under another name but felt like a name change for this. I was on this board quite a bit but came off a while ago because things got a bit... Ahem.... Nasty.

Anyway.

My ss (12) moved in with us a few months ago - he has a sister who we do not see through her own mothers choice. He moved in with us because he wasn't getting on with his mum or sister. We also have a 1yo ds.

I didn't really have a choice in the matter, though I think dp pretended I did. Had I of said 'no I never signed up to parenting your child full time' I don't think we'd be together to be honest.

Things have mostly been okay, but in all honestly he's starting to get on my nerves. I feel like a guest in my own house, and with dp working full time and me only part I feel like I'm doing most of the parenting which is absolutely not what i ever wanted (and call me naive) or what I ever thought would happen.

In general the things that get on my nerves are the fact he is incapable of getting himself up on a morning - at 12 my mum would be at work and it was up to me to get myself up and go to school, ss can't do this. Relies on me to wake him up (dp has left for work at this point). He doesn't give a shiny shit about school, because he's seen his mum, dad,uncles etc do the same and 'they're ok'. He doesn't listen, has been told 100 times to do simple things like put his washing in his basket and clean clothes away, he isn't asked to do any other chores and does not help around the house what so ever.

Him moving in was all a bit sudden and if I'm being honest I'd really planned this year for getting my shit together after having a baby, getting fit, sorting things out in the house, progressing at work and most of all having at least a week to relax (as much as you can with a baby) - it's always been the arrangement that he would go on holiday with his mum, and we would go on our own. His mum wouldn't let us take him on holiday anyway so this worked. But now obviously his mum doesn't really want anything to do with him - she sees him twice a week but usually goes out on a night out when she has him - she won't take him on holiday.

I've looked into us all going but it's way out of our price range, because we would have to go in school holidays, we have more outgoings Now and don't get a penny from his mum. To be honest I'm absolutely gutted, I feel like my ds is now missing out as well as ss because of all this. And I'm gutted for myself and oh because we haven't been abroad since 2014

Ss seems to think we have endless cash (because that's what his mums told him) when in reality we really, really haven't. He expects us to go abroad his year to where he wants to go, and do what he wants to do. Oh has explained that this isn't going to happen but I'm sick of hearing about fucking Croatia when I won't now have a holiday for probably the next five years.

I'm feeling really resentful about it, and I don't know how to cope. I know full well I'm an awful person and I'll get flamed for this post but I've had to post it because I have nobody else to speak to, nobody else really gets it because they're not step parents. I don't know what to do. I just feel like all my attention is constantly focused on ss and his behaviour that I don't get to live my own life, and my ds isn't getting my full attention or his dad's. I don't even think we'd of had a baby together if we knew this was going to happen.

Oh just doesn't seem to get it and thinks I just have a problem with ss, which yes in some respects I do because I find his not listening disrespectful and when my ds Is his age I will expect the same, in fact more, from him. He certainly won't be dictating holiday destinations and there will be consequences for not doing as he's told.

I just want to talk to someone with similar experiences and learn how to deal with this. It's starting to get me down really and I feel like a shit mum, shitter step mum.

I still don't understand why your OH relies so much on you with the argument that they work FT and you don't. I think it's lazy parenting attitude and I expect the kids in question are acting out because they have come to an age to realise that both parents can't really be bothered to consider them a priority.

I worked FT, one hour commute both ways, stressful job with two kids from the age of 4 and 1 with next to no support (no family in the country, ex only seeing them only during the day one day during the week-end(. I moved with my OH when they were 12 and 9, but even then, I continued to do absolutely everything for them, whilst still working FT in the same job.

Yes, it is exhausting, and yes you feel you have no time for yourself, but I have always believed that when I chose to become a mum, I accepted that this could happen. It does pay off though because my kids have always felt loved and now realise how much I've done for them all those years.

If my OH wasn't working so I was supporting the whole family, I would indeed expect that he took on more duties at home and inevitably, some of these duties would have benefited my kids, ie cooking, shopping etc..., however, there is a large gab between extending roles that will benefit indirectly step-children and expecting to act as a parent.

I've been with my OH for 10 years and not once have I expected him to pick up my kids from activities, or look after them if they were poorly. I have occasionally asked, and he has offered at times, but I've never taken it for granted just because when he got with me, he took on my kids too.

Similarly, his mother is getting old and requires more support and care. It is HIS role. I will support him, offer to help, but I am not taking on the responsibility because it is his mum and that's what you have to do as a son/daughter. He totally agrees with this.

It saddens me to see parents too happy to pass on their parenting role to others because being a parent is hard. They want all the good part of being a parent, but not the headaches that come with it. Then they blame everyone else when their kids act up because ultimately, they pick up on the fact that their parent can't be bothered to be fully engage in the role they have chosen.

Saying that, I have seen SM falling in this situation because they put themselves forward to it, often to 'score' with their new partner until the new partner is bagged and then they want to discharge themselves of the task, moaning they are being taken for granted. Roles should be clearly defined from the start the relationship becomes serious and these should only be amended with common agreement and of course some little flexibility, but not devolving and taking it for granted that it should be.

I understand where you coming from, it's not what you expected. And you are looking after 12yr old that you haven't brought up so he doesn't understand your expectations and parenting style. Don't put yourself last, cook what you like and adapt the meal for him, cook what he likes and adapt for you. Love bomb him involve him and tell him what you expect from him and ask him what he wants from you. It will work out because you want it too. Tell your husband that your unhappy and he needs to step up. If you come in to a mess that he has made call him down and tell him to tidy up - this is what drove me mad the most, getting up tidying up going to work coming home tidying up. Then tidying up again before bed. It will settle down and you will all be happy

You are not a bad person or parent. I'm not going to bore with a long post but i will say from one step parent to another your feelings are totally normal.

I do get you OP. You've been made the main parent without any say.

I've had this too and it didn't end well. My dsc wouldn't accept my parenting, had been bought up with different rules and I was expected to become a totally different person - to parent in an alien way.

It's true this is not a good situation for your step son. But this is because his own parents have stepped back and left you holding the reins. It is their responsibility. Your DP cannot parent full time whilst working full time and his mother has palmed the poor boy off.

It's serious because you also need to feel in control and have a peaceful house to bring up your baby. Everyone suffers. Your husband is in cloud cuckoo land.

I think you do need to be prepared to end your relationship if this cannot be resolved. I said I cannot parent DSC anymore, and she went back to her mums. I was prepared to end my relationship. I could not go on doing it with my husband feeling great that he was the main parent yet he was always working and it fell to me. Like you, dsc used it as a excuse to act like she saw dsc but in reality she was cutting her out. This isn't healthy and by forcing the issue I've enabled my dsc to rebuild a relationship with her mother and have some form of parenting. It was definitely the best outcome for her.

Also I'd be careful about feeling like you are better than dss mum. You might be, but unless she's destructive, you are enabling his mum to neglect him and might be doing more damage by taking up the slack. My dsc had a bit of a rubbish mum but it's still better for her she's living back there as she needed to have some kind of care and place in her mothers life.

I agree with working...and disagree totally with posters saying they didnt sign up for their step children living with them full time

Newsflash you did! you partnered up with a man with children. Why does he get to take anything less than equal responsibility for his children?
How can posters assume 2 days out of 14 and the mum has to do the rest?

You knew what you were getting into.

People on here are so mean!

You're not an awful person OP- it's a difficult situation and you're clearly doing your best.
All I can offer is maybe try again talking to your OH to explain how you feel and how he could support you. In my experience, if you don't step parent as a team and feel like you've completely got eachothers' backs, it won't work. Let him know how much it's affecting you, as calmly as you can, with examples, and see if you can make some changes together to make things better.

I feel for you. My dp is 11 years older than me with an 11 yo son who is now my ss. I'm only 25 and it has all been a huge adjustment for me. It's really hard trying to parent someone else's child and even harder when that child's mother is as useful as a chocolate teapot and tells the kid lies about you (such as you have plenty of money to spend). I don't necessarily have any advice for you, sorry 😔 all i can suggest is maybe talk to your partner again and explain that the world can't revolve around his son, he needs to step up and be more involved as his dad and put rules in place such as consequences for not doing as he is told.

Sympathy from me though op x

Wow I've been finding it hard to cope with my 12 year old DSS and I don't even have a child of my own yet. Things here do tend to get nasty though you have already had some good advice.

I'd stop treating DSS like a guest first and formost. My DSS has chores etc and we've tried to really involve him in our family.

Reflectively looking at these threads I think if I ever separated from DH with my own children I'd never remarry. I think in most cases step parenting just doesn't work especially if the other parent is in the picture. Adults should think of their families before divorcing remarrying willy billy.

i feel your pain. my partner and i moved in togther 6 months ago. he has 1 biological son and 1 "son" that is not his but been in his life since he was 2yo.
DP split with his ex for 6 years before we even met and thro her eldest son id causing all sorts of trouble that i now resent him.
His ex texts and calls screaming abuse at us every weekend after we have taken them home. she wont send them with clean clothes underwear or anything. Her son has taken to texting his mum while with us and saying he is force fed, he is made to have a bath, you name it he texts her. She then spends the next 5 days screaming and being verbally abusive.
The eldest refuses to speak to me, causes arguments, is rude to my own ds`s and generally causes a horrible atmosphere. Both me and dp work full time and we have the boys every weekend. its really got me down to the point that its putting pressure on our relationship as i spend weekends in our bedroom just to stay away from him. how can a 12 year old boy reduce me to this. if i tell him off and treat him like all the other children all i get is abuse from his mum. anyone else know how to approach this situation?

Wow that sounds horrendous. I'd recommend starting your own thread in Relationships. I've no real advice except RUN!, just deep sympathy.

You are not a horrible person and your feelings do matter, please don't listen to under the moonlight, what horrible comments. I work with children, behavioural issues, family coaching and other related subjects and know many step parents feel the way you do. I'd suggest asking your husband to take a more active role in managing his son and if all else fails looking into family talking therapies. There is huge support out there for you

You knew what you were getting yourself into
There it is ladies and gents!
Step parenting forum full house ding ding ding!

It is utterly useless and ridiculous to say this, yet I see it trotted out all the time here.

Of course OP didn't know what she was getting herself into, anymore than a pregnant woman knows what she is getting herself into.

You wouldn't say that to a mum who's kid is crying. 'Well you knew what you were getting yourself into' would you?

Bore off.

OP, I have nothing to add from what PP's have said apart from agreeing with the 'How to be a happy stepmum' book reccomendation.

I really feel for you. Preteens/teens are pain in the but and what you're feeling is typical for bio-mums of this age group. I feel exactly the same about the shit my lot put me through and I feel EXACTLY the way you do about always feeling bottom of the pile. I'm a lone parent so there are times when it just feels utterly relentless.

So, OP let that go. You're allowed to feel frustrated and fed up.

Once you know that it's ok to feel like that, it's easier to take a step back and look at ways to make positive changes. You don't have to be mother Theresa. You just need to be kind, caring and consistent and your dp needs to be involved to help that happen.

Your SS is a normal teen and has clearly gone through some tough times but your DP needs to be on hand to reassure him that he is loved and wanted. It's not all down to you.

You have my sympathy. It's a tough gig. But as cinderellas mum said :"be kind and have courage".
X

Hi, how are you getting on? I've only just joined and read your post. I have a very similar situation although SC do not live with us, it is very hard work the 2-3 days they are here and I feel for you and completely relate to your OP. SC have had a real problem with me mainly down to their mother, OH completely agrees, they are spoilt rotten brand new EVERYTHING EVERY WEEK yet mum claims poverty, maintenance is paid by OH at 450 a month. They have no discipline, do bit like the word no, do no chores, leave all their possessions all over the house, this is how they live at home. They literalit argue and shout with their mother, she doesn't care in fact I'm sure she thrives on it. To me this is no way a 8 and 10 yr old should be behaving. She sees no wrong with this. I do bit expect this behaviour at ours I do bit want my 2 children thinking it is right. What can we do eh ???

Bit = Not !!!! Bloomin autocorrect !!!!

@amiahorribleperson

Just reading through your post and I totally understand where you are coming from as a SP myself, it's not easy, I don't care what the others say (on your post or mine). If they aren't SP themselves they will never understand the feelings with 'being stuck' bringing up other people's kids when they have 2 parents themselves!

I feel for you!

Under are you a step parent? If not, surely you're not qualified to pass judgement and please stop having such a go. Aiahp came on here asking for advice because she doesn't like that she's feeling resentful towards her step son, so she's asking for help to change the situation. She's obviously venting and in need of support. Which is what I thought mumsnet was all about, not insulting parents who are trying to get by.

Aiahp, step parenting is HARD, you don't have the parental bond to stop you from starting to dislike a step child's behaviour and it does make you feel like a complete ar**le. I would definitely speak to his dad and explain how you're feeling (to an extent) and ask him to help, you need to be a team. Maybe have a chat with your ss, talk about the whole situation, explain it's difficult when things change, explain what you would find more helpful in the house for things to be nicer and ask if there's anything he needs. I would also suggest to his dad that the school provides counselling for your ss as this will definitely be affecting him negatively.
I definitely think you need a night out with the girls to have a break and get this out of your system.
The fact you've accepted your ss coming to live with you (even though you didn't have a choice), that you're feeding him and cleaning up after him and contributing to his uniform speaks volumes. You're not a bad person, you're human and wanting what's best for your family as a whole.

I have a 7 yr old sd, and she lives with us full time, there's been a lot going on with her mum recently and my gosh, my sd is pushing boundaries; which I suspect your ss is doing. I think when a parent has hurt their child physically or emotionally, the child will push those other parents/sp to make sure they are loved and have some place of stability.

I have felt really depressed recently as my sd's behaviour has just been horrible. She's become really defiant, manipulative and rude. She gets involved in conversations that aren't anything to do with her and that she doesn't understand. When I'm trying to speak with her about anything, she talks over me and is so defensive, regardless of what I'm talking about. She's being very attention seeking and tbh I'm finding it hard to even be around her. I feel like THE worst person and I'm just not coping, bursting into tears so having to disappear in another room, also holding all these emotions in to not upset anyone. In my head I'm repeating 'she's just 7' but it doesn't stop my feelings being hurt deeply.

Her dad doesn't put enough effort in and I feel resentful that I'm not the parent but I'm the one doing everything. That resentment I think is passing on to her and I know it's completely unfair on her. Her mum hasn't had a job for ages so we've had no money from her. I buy my sd clothes, take her out all the time without her dad, do the majority of the house work, even though I work more hours than my partner and kind of feel like she should be grateful for what I'm doing, not taking everything out on me. She's always been a nightmare getting to sleep but lately it's ridiculous, screaming the house down and slamming doors.

I'm fully aware that I'm the adult and should not take things so personally but to be frank, I'm currently not capable.

I came on here looking for advice myself and felt compelled to comment. I just keep seeing other mumsnet members just being vile towards people asking for help....what's that about?!

If anyone has any constructive advice, I'd really appreciate it as I'm sure aiahp would.

Littleraiofsunshine - not sure I have a lot of advice being in a similar situation, but no where near as bad as yours but here to chat to and OP if she still reads this thread.
Completely and utterly agree people use this form of communication to express their true honest feelings and should not be slaughtered for asking for help and advice. Children are 'only children ' so they say but boy can they be testing and draining sometimes and with SC this kind of situation can be horrendous as although they are only children it's like they have completely no respect for their SP. BY all means I accept that these types of situations are not at all great for the children, but we do not deserve to be treated like monsters.
I mentioned a bit in my earlier post so I won't repeat all that.
In our house I must admit my DH has always made it clear that we are all equal, us, SC and our own 2 DC, nobody is more important than anybody else. EW- has always made a thing of telling SC that our 2 DC take preference SC will be forgotten etc etc the usual crap, it's just not the case. We've explained that it's not the case but believe me last year cos we took our DC to the theme park and not SC one day all hell broke loose there's quite an age difference between all children and the 2 SC would have been bored at baby section and vice versa. DH takes them other places without our 2 DC. There's also the transport we do not have 7 seater vehicle so impossible to go all together.
I personally don't understand why EW does all the manipulating cos to me at end of the day, it goes over our heads but it's the children who ultimately suffer. And it really makes me laugh now EW has a DP she now wants me to look after SC, whilst all the time the last few years creating this rift and slagging me off (DH works nights shifts ) so she can go out- you know what i say to that!!!!!!

I haven't read the whole post, but from your original post, I think you're getting a raw deal. This is you're OH's son, who no doubt is hellishly mixed up, but you're getting the brunt of it. He needs to step up to the mark....and properly parent his child.
With regards to eating only what DSS wants, well you gradually just stop it, once a week you cook something the rest of you like (not something you know he really hates obvs) and if he won't eat it, he goes hungry....it really won't kill him! Then just keep doing it more often.

Hey OP, I've noticed this thread is a little old but I think you doing an amazing job x

None of us had any ideas of what we were letting ourselves in for and in my situation it's a 20 year old dsd with significant needs that visits every weekend and a night in the week and I am full of resentment towards her and her mother (the mother offers no support, advise, medication,strategies). I am not at the point where I have slowly expressed my feelings and have started to withdraw to the point that I now just have to leave the house and I can only return when she has left to return to her mothers house.

If I'd had so much of an inkling of how my life would be after five years of this - I would have turned and ran away as fast and far as I possibly could. I love my husband dearly, he is my soulmate but not when she's around - it's just too damned hard. I now have some tranquillisers for the most desperate times and tranquility when I go to visit my holiday home 100 miles away for for peace, my sanity and this hopefully save my marriage.

I feel like i am a bad person. I don't want my stepkids coming to my house😭😭😭😭

My situation is very rare my husband supports ex she still stays in there home.