Starting to feel slightly resentful I need help!

[amiahorribleperson]

I do usually post under another name but felt like a name change for this. I was on this board quite a bit but came off a while ago because things got a bit... Ahem.... Nasty.

Anyway.

My ss (12) moved in with us a few months ago - he has a sister who we do not see through her own mothers choice. He moved in with us because he wasn't getting on with his mum or sister. We also have a 1yo ds.

I didn't really have a choice in the matter, though I think dp pretended I did. Had I of said 'no I never signed up to parenting your child full time' I don't think we'd be together to be honest.

Things have mostly been okay, but in all honestly he's starting to get on my nerves. I feel like a guest in my own house, and with dp working full time and me only part I feel like I'm doing most of the parenting which is absolutely not what i ever wanted (and call me naive) or what I ever thought would happen.

In general the things that get on my nerves are the fact he is incapable of getting himself up on a morning - at 12 my mum would be at work and it was up to me to get myself up and go to school, ss can't do this. Relies on me to wake him up (dp has left for work at this point). He doesn't give a shiny shit about school, because he's seen his mum, dad,uncles etc do the same and 'they're ok'. He doesn't listen, has been told 100 times to do simple things like put his washing in his basket and clean clothes away, he isn't asked to do any other chores and does not help around the house what so ever.

Him moving in was all a bit sudden and if I'm being honest I'd really planned this year for getting my shit together after having a baby, getting fit, sorting things out in the house, progressing at work and most of all having at least a week to relax (as much as you can with a baby) - it's always been the arrangement that he would go on holiday with his mum, and we would go on our own. His mum wouldn't let us take him on holiday anyway so this worked. But now obviously his mum doesn't really want anything to do with him - she sees him twice a week but usually goes out on a night out when she has him - she won't take him on holiday.

I've looked into us all going but it's way out of our price range, because we would have to go in school holidays, we have more outgoings Now and don't get a penny from his mum. To be honest I'm absolutely gutted, I feel like my ds is now missing out as well as ss because of all this. And I'm gutted for myself and oh because we haven't been abroad since 2014

Ss seems to think we have endless cash (because that's what his mums told him) when in reality we really, really haven't. He expects us to go abroad his year to where he wants to go, and do what he wants to do. Oh has explained that this isn't going to happen but I'm sick of hearing about fucking Croatia when I won't now have a holiday for probably the next five years.

I'm feeling really resentful about it, and I don't know how to cope. I know full well I'm an awful person and I'll get flamed for this post but I've had to post it because I have nobody else to speak to, nobody else really gets it because they're not step parents. I don't know what to do. I just feel like all my attention is constantly focused on ss and his behaviour that I don't get to live my own life, and my ds isn't getting my full attention or his dad's. I don't even think we'd of had a baby together if we knew this was going to happen.

Oh just doesn't seem to get it and thinks I just have a problem with ss, which yes in some respects I do because I find his not listening disrespectful and when my ds Is his age I will expect the same, in fact more, from him. He certainly won't be dictating holiday destinations and there will be consequences for not doing as he's told.

I just want to talk to someone with similar experiences and learn how to deal with this. It's starting to get me down really and I feel like a shit mum, shitter step mum.

Thank you guitar xx

Not much to add as no experience of step chilldren, although I was one, but much older.

My DS has a laundry basket. It comes down - it gets washed. I then fold clean clothes into another box which he is expected to take up and put away. Everything is done on Friday - washing down. Sunday - washing away. We also let our children choose a meal sometimes so it is "their night".

They have to set and clear the table. They don't do much else but are entirely responsible for their own rooms.

Getting most kids up is tough. We do 1 wake up and they have to be down by 8am. Any later and they go to bed earlier and earlier. We once sent DS 15 to bed at 7pm after 3 days of late.

You need clear rules and simple linked consequences.

These are the only way (teacher here too so lots of teen experience).

You have had to take on a lot very suddenly. You can only do your best but need a clear framework for the week that gives you time off too.

OP, you resent your SS because you don't really like him. You tolerate him and that's different. When you don't feel a sense of 'liking' for someone, you don't care much about making them happy and you build resentment when because of them, you can fulfil your dreams.

When you like someone though, it is much easier because you want to share your dreams with them and when you have to make sacrifices, it is not so bad.

Your OH is unlikely to agree for your ss to go back to his mum so the best thing you can do for yourself is to try to see about liking him. For that, you need to focus on the positives and build a relationship with him. That won't take away the negatives, but they won't affect you as badly as they do now.

Thank you hamlet I will definitely take that on board, I do think kids need consequences I suppose I just don't feel it's my place to give them sometimes, but I suppose I have to be!

*P, you resent your SS because you don't really like him. You tolerate him and that's different. When you don't feel a sense of 'liking' for someone, you don't care much about making them happy and you build resentment when because of them, you can fulfil your dreams.

When you like someone though, it is much easier because you want to share your dreams with them and when you have to make sacrifices, it is not so bad.*

Your OH is unlikely to agree for your ss to go back to his mum so the best thing you can do for yourself is to try to see about liking him. For that, you need to focus on the positives and build a relationship with him. That won't take away the negatives, but they won't affect you as badly as they do now.

I don't like him? That's absolute bullshit. He is a nice kid, he just has bad habits which is unsurprising given the situation but frustrating none the less. I would be equally as frustrated if my own child acted this way, but I would be a lot more comfortable saying 'you need to do this' or whatever. The lines are very blurred.

If I didn't care about him being happy and only cared about fulfilling my own dreams, I would have put my foot down and said no he's not moving in with us, he can stay with his incompetent mother. But I didn't. I never even entertained the idea of saying no, as much as I did think 'well this isn't what I expected to happen'. As selfish as I feel right now, I really haven't been.

It's not about 'sharing my dreams' - in the long term this is nothing and it won't adversely affect my 'dreams' not really. Having ss around won't step me getting a better job, being successful or whatever, and yes eventually I'm sure I'll be able to go on holiday and he will go too.

I wouldn't even consider letting ss go back to his mothers, let alone suggest it to oh. Why on earth would I send the poor child back to someone who cannot adequately care for him, when I can?

I'm talking short term and you know it, but for some reason you're trying to make out that I hate the kid. Sure, I dislike the circumstances in which this has happened but I don't dislike him. I have a relationship with him, I always have had.

Just because you like someone doesn't make there bad habits any less irritating. Like I've said, if it was my own child it would still be unacceptable behaviour. It's nothing to do with dislike what so ever.

Op- I've been there.

Dsd moved in with us out of the blue at age 14.

She's 19 now and never went back to live at Mums.

I didn't sign up for it and I've been incredibly resentful, mainly towards her Mum, who has done nothing for her daughter in all those years. I have done all of the shit side of parenting whilst she takes the glory just for being her "mother". We were paying hundreds of pounds in maintenance for dp other kids but she never paid a penny for dsd. The CSA doesn't "even it up" like some believe. Ex wife was incredulous when we applied for the school transport for her from our house. She solved the problem by refusing to drive dsd to school so never had her overnight on a school night. Never took her to a dentist appointment or attended a parents evening. Nothing.

My time with my own son suddenly had to be shared with dsd. Not her fault but I resented it. She was always around, in my space. I too felt like a guest on my own home. I saw 10 times more of her than my own son! Dp was a Disney parent who was scared of losing her, so suddenly any rules I had for ds had to be "adapted" to suit dsd. I felt I couldn't parent her because everyone around me was pussy footing round her, and I also couldn't parent my own son, because I couldn't have two different sets of rules.

With hindsight, I'd actually be less concerned about upsetting dsd and my dp and just stood up for myself and ds a bit more. I probably wouldn't still be with my dp though if I had have done.

My advice would be to detach whilst being a good role model. Don't get so resentful you start to become nasty to dss but remember that all the while you "prop up" the parenting of his parents they won't be forced to step up.

He is a nice kid, he just has bad habits which is unsurprising given the situation but frustrating none the less. I would be equally as frustrated if my own child acted this way, but I would be a lot more comfortable saying 'you need to do this' or whatever. The lines are very blurred.
The issue though is something is happening that means that his bad habits are getting to you to such extent that you would start to feel resentful.

Maybe it is because you feel that if you had full control of him as a parent does, you could change these bad habits so your frustration arise from a lack of control.

What I was trying to say in my other post, but I understand that 'not liking' was interpretated negatively, is that the vast majority of parents of teens and preteens will be faced by exactly the same issue, because however well you 'train' your child in good habits, something seems to happen when they reach that age that makes it all go down the drain.

The difference is that even though we get annoyed by it like you do, it doesn't get to the point of resentment because we focus on the rest and decide that these bad habits don't define who the child is and therefore doesn't impact on the feelings we have for them.

All you can do is set some rules, remind him of those rules, let it show at times that when those rules are broken, it annoys you, but don't focus on this only because there is more to your ss than his lack of good habits.

Once you take that step back, it all becomes much easier whether you're a parent or step-parent.

Hi OP, you've definitely had some harsh feedback and I hope you're not beating yourself up more about the situation. I think you know what the solution is but you just don't feel able to actually put it into practice.

If I were in your shoes, I'd do the following:

1. Talk to OH. Say he's not chipping in enough, you've been thrown into parenting an older child and you're struggling with it. You need him to back you up in everything and change how things work in the house because it's causing you to really resent the situation and you don't want that. Your DSS is his responsibility first and foremost, and you need him to take the lead. I feel like your OH is the main problem here, and he needs to recognise this.
2. Decide on the changes you want to make, and the consequences you want for certain things. Is your OH okay with you disciplining DSS? I feel that if you have the most time with him, you should be able to act as a parent. Not getting up for school? Internet goes off early. Washing isn't in the basket? He has to do his own washing. Not eating the food that has been made for him? He goes hungry. Stand up for yourself.
3. Stop pandering to other people. You live the life you want to have. Cook the food you want (since you're doing the cooking!) and if someone wants something else, they can cook that night. Don't spend your time badgering and nagging, just decide the action you'll take e.g. DSS isn't getting up for school. I'll go and tell him that if he's not out of the house by the necessary time, then he will have to turn his playstation / computer / whatever off an hour early that night.
4. Prioritise yourself and put in time with DSS. Why don't you insist that you and the two kids do something once a week? All get out of the house together, have some family time, and enjoy each other's company so it's not all rules and consequences. DSS picks most of the time as long as it's something you agree to, and he feels more included and a part of the family unit. You get to have some downtime and enjoy the good sides of having your DSS around.

Good luck OP! A change like this takes a good couple of years to adapt to, but having solid rules in place and feeling like you get as much of a say as everyone else is key in my opinion! It's not all bad, and you said yourself that DSS is generally nice to be around.

OP, you're getting a really hard time on this thread. I don't think YABU at all. You didn't sign up for this, you're having to deal with it and you are doing the best you can.

Your DH does need to step up a bit and your SS needs to fit into your household routine. Not the other way around. You have my sympathies. You're in a tough spot

Firstly big hugs to you OP, you've had some very harsh critics on here and it's unfair.

One thing I've learnt over time being a Stepmum is that it's an entirely joint effort between you and your partner, and it needs a lot of communication to get it right. This needs to start now. My OH and I have learnt over time to be entirely honest with each other with no holds barred. Its' a fundamental starting point for both of you.

I've also learnt to stop being a doormat. As a rank outsider (which you and I are) it's hard to know your place and so the default mode is to compromise and keep the peace. I had months of feeling as though all the pressure was on me to keep smiling, whilst standing by and watching my OH's daughter manipulating him on everything because he'd learnt disney dad habits. Now he respects me for being the voice of reason when he's letting DSD or DSS get away with murder.

I explained it to him as follows:- "you have absolutely unconditional love for your children which comes as part of the package of being a dad, in time I will have the same as I grow to love your children and hopefully they will love me in return. However. I have a duty to the whole family as an biological outsider to ensure that everyone is treated equally and fairly, and as I don't sometimes see your darlings through rose tinted spectacles I will on occasion point it out to you when you are not seeing your responsibility as a parent objectively. "

For example, when DSS and DSD come to us for the weekend, it is not acceptable for them to leave a mess behind in the kitchen when they've made popcorn and expect us to clean it up. We do not ferry drinks to and from the sofa for them on a saturday night. We do not clean fake tan off the bathroom 2 days after I've cleaned it because DSD made a mess. We do not allow them to stay up later than they do at their mothers house. We do not allow them to not decline what the family is eating for breakfast (and the back up option) but then raid the cupboards for crisps an hour later because they are hungry. (all regular things that happened when I first arrived on the scene.

At times I'm a bit like the family voice of sensibility, master of the house, counsellor, taskmaster and treat organiser when funds permit. But I am not the maid and I am not the one who allows anyone to be compromised by the treatment of someone else. This is a pretty good position to be in because you have a place, and it's a very important place that everyone respects. It would be good for you to position yourself into this place.

And the holiday thing. Ignore it. I went through similar last year and the lovely ladies on here made me see sense that its just all kinds of wrong for a teenager to be dictating holiday destinations. Teenagers are very good at trying to push the boundaries, once you wise up to that you sort of brush it off a bit. And if they keep pushing you make sure that Dad is the ultimate last word on the topic.

Sorry you're going through the such a difficult time op and I say that as someone who is on the other side of the fence and often read posts from step mums with dismay as my own DC have one and my relationship with my ex is not good.

The 12 year old sounds like most 12 year old boys I know, my own can be unlikable at times and it's only the fact that I love him so much that helps me to deal with him. You are getting him just at the point when he is at his most difficult and least lovable.

I'm sorry to say it doesn't sound like his dad is a great parent either, he doesn't sound as though he is putting his DS's needs first here and I wonder if his ex is fed up with his dad not doing enough over the years, not that that is a good enough excuse for effectively abandoning him.
You sound like a much better influence on Dss than his mums family and ultimately it could be much better for him living with you, the early teen years are very similar to the toddler years put in the hard work and it pays dividends in the years to come. So consistent, firm house rules and clear guidelines about unacceptable behaviour but you really need your OH on board with all of this or it won't work.

I feel your pain! Screw all these people that obvs have no idea how this actually feels, because it's hard as hell when a kid that isn't even yours stops your life in its tracks!

I personally haven't found a solution to the deep seeded resent, in fact I think mine might be worse than yours so i certainly can't help you there. But I can let you know that you aren't a monster and your not a shit mum or step mum. Your trying your best in a situation that you've been plonked in the middle of that you never saw coming, good on you.
Some days I find it very very hard not to pack up mine and my kids stuff and walk out when SS is here, at one point I used to make sure me and the kids weren't here while he was because he had tried on several occasions to muffle the baby, after being told time and time again that he could kill him, amongst other dangerous things and a whole load of down right irritating behaviours that I personally don't have the patience or temperament for. So good on you for not leaving, well done for being there!
This is the point where you have to lay down the law in my opinion and go old school, it's brutal af but it works, some of the ones I've pulled so far are...
My house, my rules - you want feeding clothing ect ect but aren't playing as part of my team? All food, clothes ect will be covered by pocket money, you don't play ball and earn it then you don't get those new shoes, deal with what you have, you can't have dunkers in your pack up, you get a jam sandwich and that's it. Ect ect. So I still provide the basics, but it's the bare minimum.
Washing - my SS has a habit of leaving it in his bed, one day he ran out of trousers so I made him wash all his washing, by hand, in the bath tub. I am not his maid service, I can however play evil step mummy if he wants to be the arsehole step son.
Washing up - don't do his, if he can make a mess get can clean it and if he doesn't don't dish up his dinner till he has. I know, I know, I'm nasty 🙄

And my personal favourite that I whip out every single year it the shitty attitude chart. In the 2 months leading up to birthday/Xmas, I start up a chart. Each kid, so that's SS and DD as they're the only 2 old enough atm, gets a chart drawn up. They start with 25 presents, 15 little ones, 5 big ones and 5 mystery present. Depending on how shitty they are I can give them any amount of points for their behaviour, 5 points on a little present and they lose it, 7 points on a mystery present and that's gone too, then 10 points on a big present. One year SS only had 6 presents and DD only managed to keep 11.

They're pretty medieval techniques tbh 😂 but it works a treat, my SS has gone from the little twunt that got excluded from school to only ever getting in trouble on mummy's days because she cant/wont/can't be bothered to discipline him. But he knows not to cross the damn line with me.
Hope it gets better for you and you find something that works, but in the mean time don't put yourself down for having a bad day or two, or three, or a week because it is hard, and bad days are ok. You aren't failing, your just finding your feet 😊

I understand your frustration, OP, and you need a way to vent your feelings (like on here) sometimes. Talk to your partner, I'm sure he wants the whole family to be happier, you included. It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job under difficult circumstances. I would try and involve DSS in some discussions you have about the family situation, that will make him feel more included, at the moment life will feel out of his control and that can be frustrating. Maybe he has some suggestions too about how the family could move forward?
I've been with my partner for 3 years, and he has joint custody of his 9 year old son. So I feel you on the laundry situation. I try to keep on top of the laundry, but I feel like I'm constantly asking him to put his dirty clothes in the wash basket. I ask' have you got any dirty clothes need to go in the wash?', knowing full well he has about 5 pairs of dirty underpants scattered around, he still says no 😂 I'm loath to go around picking them up myself because it won't achieve anything, but he'll just dump them on the floor and then complain when he's run out of pants. I keep saying 'they won't get washed' but he'd happily wear the same underpants for 3 days anyway 🤢
Are all kids fussy eaters? His dad gets frustrated that he changes his mind constantly about the limited range of food he is willing to eat. Yesterday the boy refused to have lunch because dad wouldn't let him just eat crisps. He said he wasn't hungry, but would have eaten a KFC ten minutes earlier.

I'd be pissed off too. I have dsd who doesn't live with us and I struggle on the days she's visits. It's stressful looking after someone else's child like this because no matter how you dress it up, they aren't yours and that unconditional love just isn't there in the same way.
I don't know if you can change anything now but just know you aren't alone and these feelings are normal xx

Wow, some harsh replies on here. I don't think I can add a lot to some of the excellent advice you have received but just wanted to say that I really feel for you in this situation. I'm also a step mum (although haven't quite hit the difficult pre teen phase yet) and its bloody tough sometimes, even with a wonderfully behaved DSD who I get on well with.

Key for us has been good communication and being a united front. My DH also works long hours and it does mean a lot of the practical stuff falls to me (school runs, cooking, washing etc) but what he does do is help set boundaries and house rules and enforces them alongside me.

I totally get where you are coming from in that it feels difficult to be the one disciplining as you aren't the parent so I guess my advice would be talking to DH about all of how you are feeling, lay out the stuff DSS is doing that you are struggling with and make a plan together for setting some boundaries, rules and consequences for him that you both enforce (DH absolutely needs to back you up when he is around). DSS has undoubtedly had a shit time of it and often the default is to want to give him an easier time now he is with you (which I think you have both been doing by the sounds of it) but actually what will help him now is clear boundaries that are reliably enforced. It's probably going to be a tough old road so I really hope DH can step up and do this alongside you.

Hats of to you, from one step mum to another. I think you are doing great

People are giving you a very hard time. Step mums are the devil on mumsnet. A lot of posters have their own issues and projections.

I think you are being totally reasonable to feel pissed off. But do you know that you can just say to your partner this is not my problem. I'm not going to deal with it any more. Full stop. Do not count on me for anything any more. You give me no thanks or appreciation so I quit. Try it. It's so liberating. It shocks everyone adults and kids alike.

Just say no, not my problem, talk to your Dad. Live your life for a bit. It's too easy to let you pick up the slack.

I have my DSC just over 50/50. I have my kids 100% too. It is hard. Really hard and they are lovely kids with an ok mum who drives me batshit with her outrageous lies. My kids also drive me nuts to be fair.

My poor DH cannot do right for going wrong. If he appears to favour the youngest (his DS) over one of the DDs he gets grief. In fact he gets grief for everything. I get pissed off with every one making a mountain out of a mole hill.

DH is the most generous kind man, but he is strict and won't abide anyone back chat. He's right. He's a much better parent than I am. I'm more of an easy life school of parenting.

So if it's any consolation you are being a good parent, and a better parent than his Dad, but you don't have to be.

I do not get the argument - you did not sign up for this shit - having your DPs children live with you is shit? Yet ( not in OPs case) in many cases the new DP has to live with all the time with his DSCs - bit of double standard here.

Isn't this one of the main issues for so many blended families and especially SMs - the assumption is mainly that the DSCs will live with their mother ( generally) and the "new" family - can live as they want most of the time and just tolerate the times they invade.

Yet we expect the generally new male partners to accept our own previous DCs in the house all the time, put up with it, look after them contribute to their upkeep etc etc.

The anger and resentment this decision seems to cause for so many mainly SMs is to my mind a complete double standard.

I think you have been given a hard time too.

I am also a SM of a DSS who lives with us most of the time, and has done for the past 8 years. It is hard and has got worse since he became a teenager. His DF panders to him and feels guilty so focuses on him being happy.

We have similar problems to you too.

Getting up in the morning. DSS will not get up if I wake him, has been known to go back to bed after his DF left the house, and as he can't be trusted to shut the front door behind him, has made me late for work and the other kids late for school. Solution = Dh is responsible for getting him up and out of the house. If DH has to leave early for a work then DSS has to get up and leave early too. If DH is travelling for work then DSS has to stay at his mother's on those nights.

Washing. I was fed up on finding clothes strewn around the bedroom and bathroom floor. So he was given a laundry basket and only what is in there is washed. Though I have seen DH going round his room picking up his washing. Now DH is responsible for DSS washing. I do not do it.

Eating. DSS does not like what the rest of us like. I got fed up wth trying to cook meals that he will eat. So now I cook what I want for the family, there is always enough for him, but if he does not want it then DH is responsible for getting something else for him. DH buys ready meals for the freezer for him.

What I am trying to say is that, if it bothers you find a way for it not to.

My DSS eats loads of chocolate and junk. He has drawers of biscuits, crisps, fizzy drinks and chocolate in his room. I do not let it bother me, it is not my problem if he is overweight, has bad teeth and is unhealthy. DH is ok with it, so I do not think about it.

Choose your battles and try to not let the little stuff bother you. Teenagers are selfish and he will get worse before he gets better. Let your DH take responsibility for the stuff you don't want to deal with. I found saying 'X is a problem and I am not dealing with it anymore, over to you.....' made my life easier.

I feel for you OP.

Can't the kid do his own washing and get himself up at 12?!

Stop cooking only what he likes. Put in rules and stop pandering to him like he's 8.

Hi everyone, ive not been on here for a while. Just caught up.

I spoke to dp about everything I've been thinking / feeling / doing.

In all honesty it ended up in a big argument because he takes everything I say as me criticising him and his son. Which in effect, I suppose I am, but I didn't say anything I wouldn't say about my own child.

I ended it going out for the day Friday with ds and leaving dp and ss to their own devices. Didn't say a word to dp at all and got a lot of 'are we ok' ' I love you' type messages. Which to be honest just pissed me off.

Anyway when I came back we spoke properly and I think he's realised that he needs to step up and do the discipline because I don't want to. I've said I will only wash what's in the basket and I simply do not care whether he has no uniform / pe kit / pants. If it's in there I will wash it, if it's not, I won't.

As for food ive let dp cook for the last two nights which has been quite nice. I'm sure normal service will resume tomorrow 😂 but I'm not going to exclusively meal plan around ss. I'll plan most nights on what I know we all eat but if I want something he doesn't like he will just have to have something else out the freezer.

It's weird because these are all things that seem like common sense and that I wouldn't think twice about implementing for my own ds but it almost seems like I have to be perfect for ss. It's too much pressure!

Blue sky is giving you really good advice. I'd recommend you take it.

I don't think you deserve some of the harsh comments, I don't get the impression you dislike your step son, or don't want him there, but that you are struggling adjusting, it doesn't seem that your husband has been much help in supporting you or his son the adjusting. It sound s like you're walking on eggshells to keep dss happy, to avoid confrontation with your dh, and it's making you resent dss when it's really his Dad who seems to be the problem. Him living there permantaky changes dynamics, it's changes everyone's routines and everyone has to compromise and work together, it sounds like your dss is still being treated like a guest, dh is carrying in as normal. You can't change systems and routines because it causes a row with dh. So your basically being expected to stfu and get on with it.

The thing with being the stay at home parent, is that yes, most of the caring and cleaning etc will fall to you, but you usually have the authority to set up routines and systems based on yourself, whereas you don't seem to have that, so you change the systems to keep dss happy, which is making the stay at home part harder, and no body is noticing the extra stress you have so you are resentful, all totally normal. It's shit that your dh isn't supporting you.

Even if you'd prepared years in advance, you don't know how you will feel until it actually happens. If contact has been every weekend for example, then that time is more relaxed, dad is often fun and we tend to do what dss wanted because it was the only time he got to chose whereas our dd and us got to choose all week. But he didn't get to dictate, the final say wasn't ever ever dss, but dhs and myself If that makes sense?

He will be hurting which is why it's all the more important for firm and secure boundaries be out in place for him, in the same way you will be having them for his younger sibling.

I think you and dh need to chat and sort some basic rules for both children, explain to dh that you are the one doing the bulk of the parenting so you should have authority to put systems in place to make it smoother for everyone, including yourself.

You could start with meals. Dss can choose a favourite meal on Saturday, mon-Friday, when other cold is bit older, they choose on Sunday, Monday - friday, you plan what is easiest for you to cook around your other responsibilities.

Washing - If it's not in his basket, it doesn't get washed. Your Dh can either run around around last minute sorting it for him, or dss can be shown how to set a quick wash off. My own dd is 12 and washes her own uniform on a Friday afternoon and I know several of her friends do too. If he wants you to wash it for him, he needs to follow your system.

Getting up on a morning. He will need support with this if he's never had to do it, I see you've bought him an alarm clock, he might need reminding to set it for a while. When dss 12 we almost had ww3 when bil was taking him for a job but dss slept in. His Mum had been out the night before, she set his alarm for him in the afternoon, but dss turned it off and went back to sleep. Ex was hungover and didn't hear at the time and most of dh family thought she was a cunt for bit cancelling her night out to make sure she was alert to wake her 12 year old up to earn money for game that his parents said they couldn't afford, even suggesting she should give her son the money for his game as she'd made him lose out. Dh put them straight and told them his son is the one who went back to sleep and that choosing to not get up for "work" this time will be a good lesson for adulthood, you don't get up and do what you promised, you dint get paid, so you don't get luxuries like games.

It will be hard to adapt to rule changes, but it will get easier, whereas plodding along like you are, will only get worse...

OP - I could be wrong here (not having been in your situation) but it strikes me if ss is with you full time so to speak & if you and Dp have decided that you're the sahp, then you get to set the house rules.
ss must have been very unhappy with his mum to have left. He's still very young & despite how it seems most kids respond very well to boundaries & (gentle) rules.
Personally I'd stop pussy footing around him. You and Dp need to sit him down and explain house rules & finances to him.
There's nothing you can do about his mum & there's nothing you can do about Dp having to work long hours but you & Dp need to present a united front.
You don't sound awful, you sound exhausted & badly in need of some head space.

Hey amiahorribleperson,

I have been a stepmum for nearly 4 years now and I have felt exactly the same as you. You should not feel bad about that feeling at all.

Rightly so children of that age should be helping out more around the home. Mine are 11 and 15 and it's still hard.

My saviour has been a fantastic book called How to be a Happy Stepmum by Lisa Doodson, she brings up lots of different scenarios you might face and the book allows you to put your own stepmum situation in it's own circle so you know what type you are and what steps to take to be happy. She also helps on how to discuss your feelings with your partner too. Great book!

It must be very hard to have been told your ss is starting to live with you and I am sure you want whats best for him. Maybe you, your other half and ss can sit together and discuss some boundaries or rules. Think he has just come from completely different home environment to you and doesn't know what rules there are so it would be a good start with that and go from there.

I am not an expert but only giving you some advice and tips to let you know you aren't alone and if you need a chat just let me know.

xxx

Wow, Bluesky you just gave the best example of good advice I've seen on MN in a long time....I totally agree with everything you said!
Ami glad to hear you've had a positive talk with your DH, you are deffo no being unreasonable, you've suddenly had your whole life turned upside down, you've not been getting support or respect from your DH...and quite frankly I admire you for still being there!
If I were you, I'd follow Blueskies advice, pick your battles, try not to worry about things that don't affect you personally, but clamp down hard on any unreasonable attitudes from your DSS....or his father!

Hi OP, are you me? SS came to live with us full time with an hour's notice to start secondary school (yes, the night before he started a new school for year 7). I had DD1, then aged 2 (with special needs) and DD2, 10 months and was at home, so obviously I was (and still am really) his main carer. DH works long hours, so mainly I get DSS up, off to school, I'm in when he gets back, take the calls from teachers about his disruptive behaviour/lack of respect to teachers/fellow pupils. He's now in year 10 with significant issues, who rings CAMHS/Social Services/School? Me. Do I resent it? Yes. What does his mother do for him? Nothing.
DH and I got married when SS was 8, DH and SS's mother were getting on (only just, but would at least talk). How were we/me supposed to know that her next partner would be abusive and she since she left him is barely able to look after herself let alone her son? And how could we have known that she would turn against DH completely to the point she has sent DH some very abusive texts with wild accusations?
Of course you bought him uniform - he lives with you and it will reflect badly on you if he gets sent home because he's not wearing the correct things. Of course you cook what he wants to eat because it's not worth the hassle of arguing the toss about being expected to make 2 different meals. I get it totally.
With your own children you start with a new born and it takes 12 years to get to a 12 year old, you know them better than they know themselves and you love them unconditionally, with your stepson you've launched straight into the pre-teen without any of the cute baby, learning to walk, starting nursery, starting school things that build up to it gently.
I don't have any words of advice, sorry, but although I really post on here hardly ever I guess I just wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from.
Stepmums are still humans, we have human emotions that aren't always pretty, if you can't vent IRL then this is surely the place to do it.