Starting to feel slightly resentful I need help!

[amiahorribleperson]

I do usually post under another name but felt like a name change for this. I was on this board quite a bit but came off a while ago because things got a bit... Ahem.... Nasty.

Anyway.

My ss (12) moved in with us a few months ago - he has a sister who we do not see through her own mothers choice. He moved in with us because he wasn't getting on with his mum or sister. We also have a 1yo ds.

I didn't really have a choice in the matter, though I think dp pretended I did. Had I of said 'no I never signed up to parenting your child full time' I don't think we'd be together to be honest.

Things have mostly been okay, but in all honestly he's starting to get on my nerves. I feel like a guest in my own house, and with dp working full time and me only part I feel like I'm doing most of the parenting which is absolutely not what i ever wanted (and call me naive) or what I ever thought would happen.

In general the things that get on my nerves are the fact he is incapable of getting himself up on a morning - at 12 my mum would be at work and it was up to me to get myself up and go to school, ss can't do this. Relies on me to wake him up (dp has left for work at this point). He doesn't give a shiny shit about school, because he's seen his mum, dad,uncles etc do the same and 'they're ok'. He doesn't listen, has been told 100 times to do simple things like put his washing in his basket and clean clothes away, he isn't asked to do any other chores and does not help around the house what so ever.

Him moving in was all a bit sudden and if I'm being honest I'd really planned this year for getting my shit together after having a baby, getting fit, sorting things out in the house, progressing at work and most of all having at least a week to relax (as much as you can with a baby) - it's always been the arrangement that he would go on holiday with his mum, and we would go on our own. His mum wouldn't let us take him on holiday anyway so this worked. But now obviously his mum doesn't really want anything to do with him - she sees him twice a week but usually goes out on a night out when she has him - she won't take him on holiday.

I've looked into us all going but it's way out of our price range, because we would have to go in school holidays, we have more outgoings Now and don't get a penny from his mum. To be honest I'm absolutely gutted, I feel like my ds is now missing out as well as ss because of all this. And I'm gutted for myself and oh because we haven't been abroad since 2014

Ss seems to think we have endless cash (because that's what his mums told him) when in reality we really, really haven't. He expects us to go abroad his year to where he wants to go, and do what he wants to do. Oh has explained that this isn't going to happen but I'm sick of hearing about fucking Croatia when I won't now have a holiday for probably the next five years.

I'm feeling really resentful about it, and I don't know how to cope. I know full well I'm an awful person and I'll get flamed for this post but I've had to post it because I have nobody else to speak to, nobody else really gets it because they're not step parents. I don't know what to do. I just feel like all my attention is constantly focused on ss and his behaviour that I don't get to live my own life, and my ds isn't getting my full attention or his dad's. I don't even think we'd of had a baby together if we knew this was going to happen.

Oh just doesn't seem to get it and thinks I just have a problem with ss, which yes in some respects I do because I find his not listening disrespectful and when my ds Is his age I will expect the same, in fact more, from him. He certainly won't be dictating holiday destinations and there will be consequences for not doing as he's told.

I just want to talk to someone with similar experiences and learn how to deal with this. It's starting to get me down really and I feel like a shit mum, shitter step mum.

I am the only fucker looking after the boy.

This is your problem. You can't control what his mother does but you can surely demand some parenting from your partner, his father.

You're not being unreasonable. Could you sit down (after kids are in bed) with your partner and explain your frustrations and lay down some expectations for him helping you with some of the parenting and also for DSS's behaviour (e.g., getting himself up in the morning, some chores etc)?

Step parenting is hard, and I don't believe for a second that all of the people saying they never find it difficult truly believe what they're telling you. Sometimes it feels like you get a raw deal. For example, we do all the hard work around getting homework done, tutoring, paying for school trips (£3k last year), paying for/taking them to hobbies/sports etc. Ex won't contribute or take them to anything extra-curricular, and yet when it comes to open evening, shows, information evenings about school trips etc, she goes and I stay home. They are expected to muck in here, which has been a learning curve for everyone! DP would do everything for them, but I won't. That wouldn't be any different if they'd vacated my uterus, either.

You're in a relationship with a man with DC from a previous relationship, this was always a potential issue. There's nothing you can do about it now so you need to make peace with it OP.

this is a hard situation op and i feel for you. how upsetting that your life has been totally disrupted.

would you be able to stop everything revolving round your ss so much - so that you are less resentful?

would you be able to have a talk with your dp and get him to take more responsibility regarding ss?

and talk as a family together about how you all would like things to be - with associated compromise? (eg at 12 he should be able to get himself up and off to school - even if you have to allow him to be late the first few times.)

can you work out which words motivate ss? for example my ss was much more inclined to do things if i used the words - its time to.... rather than just telling him what to do.

is there anything about him that you like or anything about him that reminds you of you when you were small - something you can relate to? something you both like to do together?

please ignore negative comments on here and just take the things you feel might help. you are amazing to be continuing to try and work things out

Ss has had counselling. He had it when his parents split up, he hated it and has refused to go back. He said it just made him feel worse and he didn't like talking about it.

Believe me we have tried. We've tied talking to him ourselves, he just won't talk about it. He's very closed. He says he's fine, says he's happier living here but I know he is hurt by his mum and it shows in his attitude every time he comes home from there.

It's easy for you to say 'you and dp need to sort it out' - please tell me how because that's what I want but I feel like I've exhausted every avenue.

Dp would love to work less and be more involved but we can't afford it. I'd go back to work full time if it meant he could do that but my wage isn't as good as his so we'd be even more skint.

And we can't plan monthly what's going out because do gets laid weekly and it's different every time, as much as I'd love to plan, I can't. When he was paid monthly I was a meticulous planner and I could tell you to the last £ what we had in the accounts, but unfortunately now I can't.

It is tricky if you've agreed to an arrangement where you work part time and are the main carer and your partner has to work longer hours. I would expect the caring role to be for all the children of the household tbh.

But he should certainly be doing more parenting when he is at home. Unless there is anyway you could swap roles somehow so you work more and he is at work less to care for both his kids?

guitar I really don't want to leave, and tbh not to sound big headed, but it would only hurt ss more, it would also hurt me, dp and ds.

It seems that SS is being treated as a guest in the house i.e food he wants, events he wants etc. That needs to stop.

He needs boundaries for his behaviour. Does he make his own way to school? Set an alarm clock and encourage him to get up..l have to with my DS13....and then leave him to get on with it.

rizlet well I've just ordered an alarm clock because both me and dp think he should be responsible enough to get himself up. So that will change.

I suppose I should stop going and finding washing and just impose a 'if it's not in the basket it's not getting washed' but the organised side of me sees a school shirt on the floor and thinks ooh I best wash this now or I'll have to do another whites load tomorrow. I must stop though otherwise I fear he will always rely on me just doing it.

I know that his mum didn't have 'rules' as such at her house, no bed time, no chores or anything, if he didn't et his tea he'd be allowed to eat three biscuits or chocolate bars instead etc so I appreciate it's probably hard for him to get used to rules but it's been a few months now and I guess I just thought it wouldn't be this hard!

stitch me working more, and oh less wouldn't be financially viable unfortunately. We did consider it but things would be even tighter.

Fucking hell these replies are harsh. I had the evil queen bitch stepmother from hell who would never have even entertained the notion of me living with her and my dad, so I'm certainly not biased in that department.

Why isn't his mother paying child support through the CSA? She should be if your DH is the resident parent now and you need to get that sorted along with the Child Benefit & tax credits (If you're eligible). It might help your finances and let you eventually have a holiday together.

Why are you planning your meals solely based on what SS will eat? You need to have him compromise with that, I wouldn't let a child dictate what I was eating. Make him something different and you have what you want once in a while (DP and I are veggie and DS is not, so we do this pretty much daily). Or just make what you want once or twice a week and he likes it or lumps it.

These threads really do wind me up, your DH is playing Disney Dad and doesn't want to discipline SS and Mum couldn't give a shit. I honestly don't blame you for being pissed off. Your DH needs to parent his child and give him consequences, rewards and punishments. He might work long hours but it doesn't mean you have to do all the donkey work with this, they are both his children and yet the parenting is down to you? It sounds like you're walking on eggshells afraid to upset the pair of them and they're happily taking advantage.

snuggly yes he catches the school bus so does have to be out the house by a certain time. I've just bought an alarm clock so he will have to use that from now on!

Well then, you need to sit down with DP, dedicate a couple of hours to figuring out how this is going to work. He's only 12 - you have a long road ahead in terms of active live-in parenting. But I don't need to tell you that.

Financially speaking - can you have a long-term plan? When your SS is a couple of years older he may be able to babysit so that you can work more hours? This could benefit you all as a family in terms of being able to afford to go on holiday, for instance.

Could you write down key points you want help with op like evening meals for your dp. I don't give my DC a choice they get what they are given.

As for clothing could you put some money aside for emergencies such a uniform or clothing?

Fair enough but in that case I think people are being a bit harsh on your partner. If he has no choice but to work alot of hours and the deal is that you do more of the childcare then that includes DSS surely, as a child of the family? No reason you can't work together to implement household rules to make things easier for everyone though.

It sounds like you're walking on eggshells afraid to upset the pair of them and they're happily taking advantage.

You've hit the nail on the head that's exactly what I'm doing

I meal plan around what he will eat because I thought it would be less hassle.i can see now ive made a rod for my own back.

I've applied for child benefit and tax Creds, we start getting that in a couple of weeks.

Dp has gone through the csa, we got a letter today actually saying they are trying to contact the ex. If I know her as well as I think I do, she will ignore it like she did with child benefit for 8 weeks and I've no idea where we go from there. They will write to us I suppose. We are obviously still paying for his daughter.

Long term I plan to work full time when ds gets some free hours at nursery when he turns 3, but we will lose tax credits. Though I think we will still be a bit better off which is good. My wage will be better by then hopefully too.

we are obviously still paying for his daughter

I guess the CSA will look at each individual child as opposed to the family unit. I don't know how it works in terms of payment, e.g if it varies depending on the age of the child but surely the logical thing now would be for your payments to stop? Then each parent has one child full-time?

guitar it would be the logical thing, we discussed this with ex and she would not agree to it.

There is always one poster on every thread in step parenting banging on about how you must think about the child involved blah blah blah.

As step parents we DO think about the children involved. But sometimes we need to think about ourselves as well. The impact it has to suddenly have another child thrust on you full time with little to no support from either of the child's actual parents is bloody hard.

Op, you let off steam here because it's the right place to do so. Sometimes just talking it through and getting it out really helps.

But think about one of the small gorilla baskets for his room. He can put all his washing in that and then you can at least collect it from there rather than picking it up off the floor. Same rules, if it's not in the basket, it doesn't get washed! I do this with my DD and it works really well and I shout up to her to bring her basket down every couple of days.

He needs firm boundaries and a set of rules to stick to. He is currently being pandered to which is not going to help anyone long term. If he has no set rules then he will just keep pushing and pushing to see if anyone cares enough to say 'NO' to him.

Talk to your DH though. I appreciate he works long hours but explain that he needs to be more involved with his son.

I would just stop the payments op the fact you have DS full time and she has dd full time would even things out as guitar stated.

He has a washing basket! I will try and only wash what's in the basket and tell him that.

If we stop the payments the csa will take them from OH's wages and charge us more, you can't just stop paying with no consequence

Okaaay, so she expects you to pay CSA for the daughter but does not appear willing to do the same for her son (which would effectively cancel out your CSA). How old is the daughter? How many more years of CSA to pay?

Daughter is three years older, three years of csa left for us to pay.

6 years for ex to pay us (if/when we ever get it)

So she's silly really. If she just called it quits she'd be better off.

It's based on wages, so oh might pay her ever so slightly more because his wages are better, but he has two dependent children at home, she only has one, that's take into consideration too I believe, s

So she might be say £5 a week better off now, but in three years she'll be shelling out and we won't.

Fingers crossed the CSA payments kick in then! What a nightmare. All power to you OP - and others parenting other people's children.