Struggling with step daughter

[user1491588091]

Hi all. I've been in a very happy relationship with my partner for 18 months. I have a two year old daughter from a previous marriage. He has a five year old daughter from his previous marriage. He is a great daddy. He's great with my daughter. I get on well with his daughter. She comes over alternative weekends and more in school holidays.

Like I said before I am really happy with my relationship with my partner although the only thing that causes conflict is our disagreements over discipline. I find his daughter hard work. If she doesn't get what she wants she makes a massive fuss. She is very spoilt and demanding. I basically feel like she rules the roost when we are together and everything is about her. If she isn't happy then none of us can be. My bf's discipline is almost non existent. He doesn't see anything wrong in her behaviour and he can't be firm at all. In fact he panders to her all the time. Politeness and manners don't seem to be important to him. We basically have very different parenting styles. I am firmer than he is. I find it difficult because my daughter is seeing all this behaviour. It's not so bad for a usual weekend but anything longer then I struggle. He has recently become so defensive of his daughter. He doesn't trust any opinions I have as he says I don't know what it's like to parent a five year old. He told me months ago that his daughter was the most important thing to him. I found that a really hurtful thing to say and it's not something that I can forget. This is the only thing that causes trouble between us.

I doubt his relationship with his daughter is impacting on time with the OP. He only sees her once a fortnight.

Discipline is the main issue. I do struggle with it. I know it's hard when family's break up. I've been through it myself as a child. Yes you need to be more sensitive about things but I don't think discipline should go out of the window completely! Don't children need boundaries? And he can be firm with my daughter just not his own

Discipline is the main issue. I do struggle with it. I know it's hard when family's break up. I've been through it myself as a child. Yes you need to be more sensitive about things but I don't think discipline should go out of the window completely! Don't children need boundaries? And he can be firm with my daughter just not his own

You say he's a great dad but he sounds like a Disney Dad so he isn't really a great dad at all. That being said, you've only been with the man 18 months and you expect to be more important to him than his 5 year old? That's bizarre and sounds like jealousy to me. His daughter is a small child who has had massive upheaval in her life. She sees her dad once per fortnight and has to share him with a woman who is critical of her and a younger child who sees him all of the time. Her behaviour is normal

Did I say that I expected to be more important?? No! And I don't. It was the context at which and when it was said! Of course my daughter is the most important thing to me!! Some things just go without saying and would you say that if you were in a "normal family"
Yeah I know it's not in that situation but it doesn't mean it's not difficult to accept does it!!

And NO I'm not jealous that he didn't discipline his daughter

I have a 5 year old , she is demanding. At 5 they are in school and learning things from other children and she has developed a little attitude. It's different from when she was 2 or 3 so yes in a way he is correct when he says you don't know what it's like to have a 5 yr old.

Also, 18 months is a short time to be hurt when he says his dd is the most important thing to him. That's a parent and I'm sure your dd is to you. It will hopefully stay that way and if you and him have any dc's together then at least you know he will be a good dad.

just because you have a different parenting style doesn't mean that either of them is wrong. He doesn't have a right to tell you how to parent and neither do you unless you have your own dc's together.

If he only sees her once a fortnight properly and sees your daughter every day then why shouldn't those days be about her, every day for me is about my daughter.

Like another pp said, she didn't ask you and your dd to enter their lives ( they are a package) when she was 3. I imagine they were doing fine before you and would if you left. I know it's harsh but please don't make a 5 yr old little girl fight for her dad's attention, your an adult and she will always be the female in his life that will never be " dumped" not you I'm afraid and that's how it should be.
It is hard op to be a step parent, some aren't cut out for it and some are. If your not just let them be and find a situation your happy with with someone else. There's no point the situation making you miserable, him miserable and a little girl feeling " not wanted" just because your not happy.

Differences in parenting style/attitude are hard enough when its your 'own' dc never mind step siblings - but a disney dad is no use to man nor beast -
I would be worried about him being ok to discipline your dd and not his own....theres many a thread on mnet about the problems that causes...

Can you sit down and have a discussion about what you both expect /agree? dont do it when shes there- if not why not... or maybe sign up for a parenting course sort of thing - It is really important to be on the same page

it maybe living together is not the right option for your relationship at the moment....

Firstly he doesn't see my daughter everyday. She spends half of each week with her dad and he's also at working. Secondly this isn't about a little girl fighting for attention from her daddy. Yes she has restricted time with him and that's not my fault. When she is with him she gets lots of attention from both of us and individually as does my daughter.
I don't see why attention and discipline are being confused?
Also my partner and I are not going to stop living together after a year. How would that help the situation? That would cause more stress and disruption for all of us. Yes I understand a lot of people think we moved in together too quickly but we did what we felt was right at the time. For those who know us think we made the right decision

And what's a "Disney dad" ??

"we did what we felt was right at the time"

therein lies the problem OP.

It might have been right for you and him, so two fingers to everyone else involved because we are happy. You are expecting rationalisation and understanding of an adult from a 5 yr old. No she does not get that your DD goes to her Dad - it is not her problem, rationalising that to understand that your DD does not get more of her DF than she does - god almighty that is hard for an adult to explain - let alone a 5 yr old.

You are jealous, you do not like her around and you want your DP to yourself, you feel she rules the roost - she makes a fuss - 5 yr olds do, i pity your DSD.

She is 5 - not 25.

Again op you did what "you" felt at the time not what was in the best interests of his dd. You have thrown both your dd and his dd together and expected them to get on with it, that's not how blending works hence why you've got issues. I wouldn't even class you as a SM given the relationship is relatively new you don't even really know her well if it's every other week. Your dd still sees more of your dp then his dd does, she's still got 4days where as she sees him once a fortnight which TBH isn't very good at all he could have moved even closer and increased contact but he chosen to be an hour away.

You don't actually really know someone that well to be moving in with a stranger after 6/8 months and have them involved in your child's life was poor judgement.

You are highly defensive to people's responses and a lot of posters have picked up on the lanague you use. I do get the impression you want your little happy family exclusive of his dd and were annoyed when he said she was his highest priority. His dd is sounds very much a typical 5year old child. It's a case you accept them as a package or leave

Disney Dad - a dad who only wants to be around for the fun aspects of parenting without putting in any of the hard graft.

How have I been highly defensive? You have been highly judgemental on circumstances you don't fully understand! You don't know why my dp couldn't move closer to his daughter. There could be a million and one reasons why he hasn't been able to do that. Lots of parents can't. I grew up living 60 miles away from my father. It's not always as simple as moving is it. And what has that got to do with my original thread? I guess it's easy to judge when your not in someone else's shoes. I want my dpd to be part of our family. I just struggle with her behaviour at times. Behaviour which you haven't witnessed! Just because I haven't had a five year old yet doesn't mean i don't anything. There is a degree of common sense in parenting. I have also got nieces and nephews and friends with children so I'm not totally clueless! I'm also not perfect. Just human

Because you can't handle people's opinions. She is a typical 5 year old and no wonder your dp is defensive of her.

You've got to admit that some of this is probably due to your jealousy of the child, and what doesn't help is that she is not yours and is a constant reminder of a previous relationship.

You hear the same stories so often. You are more forgiving of your own daughter's behaviour, than his daughter. You probably expect him to punish his child over minor indiscretions. And I will take a wild guess that somewhere down the line you have believed her to be too 'clingy' towards her father. The "it's always about her" line is very telling. She is 5 years old, not a rival girlfriend.

I'm telling you now, this feeling will grow and grow until you actively begin to despise her and your partner will eventually pick up on it. It will ruin your relationship - so get out now, before you have invested anything else. Because if you have another child, this need to push her away will only get worse. There won't be a happy ending.

I found that a really hurtful thing to say and it's not something that I can forget.

And you are projecting all your self absorbed hurt onto a 5 yr old who has no say in the matter. You sound like a petulant child to be honest. for 2 days per fortnight you are not the centre of attention - you have 12 days for yourself - get over yourself. This girl has 2 days per fortnight to have a relationship with her father, whilst I agree with discipline - in the context of what you and your DP have done to this child in her short life - this will take time.

Your DP was absolutely right.
I do not live in the UK, but then DH and I were on a ferry on holiday going to an island. The ferry got into trouble, we could see the harbour and we were all standing there getting life jackets on - DH turned to me and said - you do know I will save DC and leave you to survive on your own. Did that upset me, no, he knew and I knew that the decision would probably mean I would drown. I am a crap swimmer, who panics in water and would have no way made it to shore.

Would i have had it any other way - no. Did not mean he did not love me but his no one priority was DC - as it sodding should have been.

Luckily, the ferry limped its way into the harbour, listing like crazy, so the decision was not made for my DH. I do not forget what he said, it reminds me during the shit he has thrown in the last 4 years - that deep down he does have our DCS in his heart.

I think donthaveacow hit the nail on the head.

Emmabell - have you sat down together and talked about parenting-
it is harder when there are step dc involved as there is more to juggle..

If not why not? if he thinks he is right and you are wrong -problem
you think you are right and he is wrong -problem

This is not the childs fault - I think that's what posters are picking up on...its is not the childs fault - she is 5 - you seem to be blaming her

you and your dp are the adults -you need to sort it out between yourselves

Parenting can be tough but blaming the child is unlikely to be the answer..

He is a disney dad but... the question is whether he should stop to be so just because you have an issue with it. It's a difficult one. He is entitled to discipline his daughter how he sees fit, but he should also be respecting your feelings so you are happy. The only way forward is compromise.

All I would advise though is be careful not to make a bit deal of your DH attitude towards his daughter. My father was a Disney dad too and I could do no wrong by him. I'm now in my late 40s and it is still the same! Was I a bad kid? No, not at all, but I can't say that I've ever received much discipline from my dad. I did I turn badly? Not at all.

My SM has much issue with it and looking back, I think it was a mixture of genuinely thinking that I would turn bad through lack of discipline and the other, although she didn't realise it then, definitely an element of jealousy and frustration that my dad gave me so much positive attention.

Ironically, my SM is much closer to me as adult then she is to her own daughter, the one she thought she was bringing up properly with good manners and rules. Stricter rules doesn't always mean better outcome when the children become adults.

Focus on building a good relationship with your SD and let her dad be the dad he wants to be, you will all be much happier as a result.

Hi Emmabell,
Just a word of support as I think you're getting a very hard time here.
My advice would be for you & your dp to sit down some evening when you have no kids & discuss parenting & discipline - your expectations & general aims & see if you can meet in the middle.
The most unfortunate aspect of most divorces is that the children tend to see one parent less than the other - that's just life. The reality here is that your dp doesn't get to see his dd as often as you see yours & he is probably feeling quite guilty about that - hence not wanting to discipline her on the few days he has with her. Is there any way you can discuss this aspect of things with him?
My own dp only sees his teens once a week - but that's because of geography & work. He doesn't like it but has gotten his head around it. His kids mum is very lax on bedtimes, food, language etc. & I too struggle with that but dp & I are on the same page & the kids have to follow a different set of house rules when they're with us & for the most part it works.
For the record you don't sound jealous at all. No relationship with kids either bio or blended is at its healthiest if the kids are THE most important thing. Anyone's dp should end up being as important albeit in a very different way. It's like putting on your own oxygen mask first - tend to the relationship & the kids will benefit.
The separation rate for second and subsequent relationships is alarmingly high and as a therapist I can vouch that the major common denominator is the kids being placed in higher regard than the relationship.
I'm not for one minute saying that kids should be relegated to second place - of course they shouldn't - but they can not be let dominate everything.
Good luck.

No relationship with kids either bio or blended is at its healthiest if the kids are THE most important thing. Anyone's dp should end up being as important albeit in a very different way. It's like putting on your own oxygen mask first - tend to the relationship & the kids will benefit.
Indeed, however, the problem here is that for some parents, having the freedom to parent your own kids as you see fit can take precedence over the rest.

When I met my OH, I made it clear from the start that I would not in any way change my outlook in the way I raised/disciplined my kids. I have strong principles on education, and had so far invested a lot in applying them. I was not prepared to share my life with someone telling me I had to undo it all just because they didn't agree with it. It was therefore essential that they agreed with it before we considered a future together.

Of course there will always be some elements that require some compromises but that's different to expecting a more lenient parent to become stricter or the other way around.

If my OH had started to say to me a year or so after being together that he wasn't happy with the way I was disciplining my kids, having said nothing before, and expected me to make some significant changes, it would have most likely be the end of the relationship because I wouldn't have been prepared to change what was fundamental to me just to make them happy.

Some parents just go along with the role and are happy to embrace any advice on discipline, in which case, it can work very well for their partner to guide them as long as it is done in a way that doesn't build resentment with the kids.

The problem is when the parent is happy with the way their discipline their kids already, or go along with changes but this leads to only negativity in their relationship with the children potentially leading to the children not wanting to visit any longer.

There are so many similar threads here and it really sadden me that this matter seems to be one always forgotten to be discussed before moving in together and I don't understand why, unless it is insecurity that doing so might mean not moving in together and a belief that changes can be demanded later.

I think it's ipossible at 5 to understand the dynamics of a new partner. She was 3 when you got together OP. You do need to accept that as a little one, she needs to understand that of all the things that have changed, her relationship with dad, is 100% secure. Of course, that doesn't mean everyone bending to her whims and wishes. As she grows up, secure in the knowledge that she has that security, she will hopefully understand that we are all capable of loving multiple people. It's NOT a competition for first place. Easier said than done,I know!

What you don't want is a little girl/teen/young adult who is resentful of you and your daughter and undermines your relationship. You need to discuss this with your partner before the relationship goes much further.

Magda 72's reply is the most well informed and makes the most sense of all