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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Struggling with step daughter

51 replies

user1491588091 · 08/04/2017 08:52

Hi all. I've been in a very happy relationship with my partner for 18 months. I have a two year old daughter from a previous marriage. He has a five year old daughter from his previous marriage. He is a great daddy. He's great with my daughter. I get on well with his daughter. She comes over alternative weekends and more in school holidays.

Like I said before I am really happy with my relationship with my partner although the only thing that causes conflict is our disagreements over discipline. I find his daughter hard work. If she doesn't get what she wants she makes a massive fuss. She is very spoilt and demanding. I basically feel like she rules the roost when we are together and everything is about her. If she isn't happy then none of us can be. My bf's discipline is almost non existent. He doesn't see anything wrong in her behaviour and he can't be firm at all. In fact he panders to her all the time. Politeness and manners don't seem to be important to him. We basically have very different parenting styles. I am firmer than he is. I find it difficult because my daughter is seeing all this behaviour. It's not so bad for a usual weekend but anything longer then I struggle. He has recently become so defensive of his daughter. He doesn't trust any opinions I have as he says I don't know what it's like to parent a five year old. He told me months ago that his daughter was the most important thing to him. I found that a really hurtful thing to say and it's not something that I can forget. This is the only thing that causes trouble between us.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 08/04/2017 09:01

Of course his daughter should be important him to him even above you and your dd. It's only early days at18months and she might be adjusting to you and your dd from being the only girl in her dad's life. My dd is a real daddy's girl and she would react badly if he got a new dp who also had a younger dd.

I think you maybe need to consider taking a step back with your dd and allow your dp alone time with his dd and you may find things improve. I also want to add parenting 5 year olds can be extremely testing I know my DS was a nightmare at that age.

Underthemoonlight · 08/04/2017 09:03

Also what you've got to consider is she didn't ask for you and your dd in her life and it takes time and adjustment it's a massive change for her at a very young age.

Underthemoonlight · 08/04/2017 09:05

Also looking at your timeline of your relationship of 18months and your dd is 2 was she just a baby when you met your dp then his dd was just 3.5 that's a massive change in her life to have a young baby girl around her who isn't related to her.

StrawberryJelly00 · 08/04/2017 09:08

If you don't like his parenting style or it's not compatible with yours, how can you have a future?

If you choose to have children with this man prepare for battle

emmabell · 08/04/2017 09:19

My daughter may have been young when I separated from my ex but she has had a lot to contend with from an early age of constantly going back and forth from her parents and still does. Just because they are younger doesn't mean it's ok. The girls get on well most of the time. His daughter can be quite rough at times. More so in the way that if something is in her way she just will walk into you or barge you out of the way. She doesn't have much awareness of her body or any consideration. She is big for her too. Is it normal to be like this?

Underthemoonlight · 08/04/2017 09:26

I'm guessing you've name changed op. I'm sure his dd has the same issues going between her parents but imagine being 3 a daddy's girl and he gets a new partner with a new baby not related to her and she has to compete for attention. As I said at that age they aren't always aware how rough or big there are. Are you living with your dp? She sounds like she's acting out because she sees your dd seeing more of her DF.

Underthemoonlight · 08/04/2017 09:27

Also because she's younger when you split it's easier my DS was 1 when me and ex split he knows no different. It's much harder when they are older and their parents split

emmabell · 08/04/2017 09:28

Yeah we have been living together for a year now. His daughter also sees that my daughter goes to spend time with her daddy

Underthemoonlight · 08/04/2017 09:31

So you were only together 8 months before moving in together, your dp little girl has had to share her dad with a new partner and a baby who isn't even related her, it's no surprise she's acting up she's jealsous and clearly feels threathened. I think you both moved far too quickly before letting his dd settle and get to know you and your dd.

Underthemoonlight · 08/04/2017 09:33

Btw I'm not saying her behaviour is right but she's five and not sure how to express herself so she is reacting to the situation.

QuitMoaning · 08/04/2017 09:36

But isn't the same true for you OP? Isn't your daughter the most important thing to you?

My partner has a son who is 16 (my son is 19) and his son is the most important thing in the world to my partner. He comes first for him. Sometimes this is frustrating as my partners only day off revolves around his son and what his son is doing but that is what it is about.
My partner is 'stepdad' to my son (not actually married) and his commitment to his son is a value that I treasure as it means he will be stable and a good role model for my son.

I am still very much loved and a very close second.
The lack of discipline would wind me up but not the coming second.

stitchglitched · 08/04/2017 09:38

I assume your daughter is the most important thing to you. Why would your partner feel any differently about his child? 6 months is far too soon to move in together when there are kids involved. You should have taken the time to blend families slowly and sensitively. This would have allowed you to see each other's parenting styles more clearly since you are now learning that you are not compatible in that regard. Of course he is going to be defensive, I would be too and if someone was constantly on my case with negativity about my child I wouldn't be sticking around frankly.

emmabell · 08/04/2017 09:39

Yeah we moved in quickly but there were many reasons down to our circumstances at the time. Moving also meant that her dad was closer to her (now only living an hour away as opposed to over two hours away) and most of the time she is really happy and we do all get along and have a lot of fun times.

Underthemoonlight · 08/04/2017 09:43

You moved in together for yourselves your dp could easily have moved closer on his own. Please don't change your op to react to the feedback your getting. It's clear there's issues here otherwise you wouldn't post and it's frustrating for people taking the time to give constructive and honest feedback.

Underthemoonlight · 08/04/2017 09:45

People aren't being mean but trying to give you an objective view of the situation and also from your dp little girls point a view. The fact she lives an hour away from you suggests she only sees her dad once a week where as your dd is around your dp far longer. I hope she isn't encouraged to call your dp dad

emmabell · 08/04/2017 09:49

I haven't changed my opinion! I've just been trying to explain my situation. I never said it was all bad did I! I said I struggled with certain behaviour issues.
I obviously made the mistake of thinking this site was a place to get support. It's clearly just a place for people to judge when they don't know all the facts.

CalmItKermitt · 08/04/2017 09:52

Of course she's the most important thing in his life!
Isn't your dd the most important thing in yours??

Underthemoonlight · 08/04/2017 09:53

It is for support but sometimes especially when numerous people are saying the same thing it has to register that there's an issue there and people are giving you honest reasons as to why this is happening op you've got to take the good with the negative and own it that you didn't really consider that what people are saying is what is causing the issue in the first place. I also suggested your dp do one to one time with his dd.

stitchglitched · 08/04/2017 09:54

Not necessarily judging, just very surprised that a parent is hurt that another parent says their child is the most important thing to them. Don't most parents feel that way?

emmabell · 08/04/2017 09:56

I've never encourage my dad to call my dp dad. She's calls him by his name. She has her own daddy and she spends three nights a week with him. My daps daughter does get one to one time with her daddy.

Underthemoonlight · 08/04/2017 09:58

Without you there op? The fact you seemed so offended he said his dd was top priority when she should be she's be is rather odd

emmabell · 08/04/2017 09:59

That meant to say that I have never told my daughter to call my partner dad. She calls him by his name.

emmabell · 08/04/2017 10:00

Yeah they do. When I'm working etc

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 08/04/2017 10:02

He told me months ago that his daughter was the most important thing to him. I found that a really hurtful thing to say

That's bizarre. Of course his child is the most important thing to him.

PeppaIsMyHero · 08/04/2017 10:09

Hi OP, I just wanted to lend some support. I would find the lack of discipline a real issue as well. I'm sorry he doesn't seem able to see your point of view.

On the 'coming second' issue, I think this ebbs and flows. You should feel that he is giving you time and attention, just as any partner does in a relationship. It needn't conflict with attention for his daughter - it can be as well as supporting his daughter and is a necessary part of a relationship. If you feel that he doesn't make any time to look after your relationship as well as being a father then it sounds like there's a conversation to be had. Good luck.

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