feel a bit sick

[schmurfs]

Posted in 30 days only but not got any replies, so posting here, sorry if its the wrong place. I will copy and paste:

I am going to be as vague as I can here, I hope my post isn't pointless, I feel rather sick and don't know what to think.

Been seeing BF for a year. I came out of an LT EA relationship about 4 years ago and I have been really happy since meeting new BF. We plan a future together.

Recently his ex has accused him of being abusive during their marriage. I can't believe he could be abusive...I have known him for a year and don't see any signs. He has always been open about their relationship and admitted where he has done wrong and behaved badly (this behavior I wouldn't class as abuse).

Of course he denied the accusations. He says she is accusing him because she wants to reduce contact time with his DC and wanted legal aid for court. And that she is jealous of the time I have spent with their DC. This has all kicked off since I was introduced to the DC about a month ago.

I don't know what I am asking, or why I am posting this. I don't believe he could be abusive but then again am I being naive because I am in love and because I want our relationship to work? Could it be that she is jealous that I have been introduced to their DC? I am happy to reduce the amount of time I spend with them if it helps (our time together is very limited anyway, maybe once or twice a month)

Please help me get my head straight!

Moonlight, I understand now.

I really need to give this some thought. I feel like vomiting. He has been the most amazing person for a year. He has made me a better person. Can he really be an abuser??

No one here can say whether he is or not tbh.

You say that you have evidence of her also lying so it may not be cut and dried.

I would be dubious of her intentions if this has suddenly kicked off since she found out about you.

The legal aid would be key really.

I really wish I could talk to her, find out what she has to say. I would be willing to listen to her non judgmentally...I know what it is to be abused. I only hear BF side of things. I trust him. Maybe I shouldn't

is it testament to anything that the court did not think the "abuse" she ticked in the c1a form warranted any form of order against BF? Surely if he is that abusive she would get a non molestation order or something?

and it looks like I am blindly defending him

No it doesn't, you seem to be cautious but keeping an open mind, which is very wise.

I hope it works out.

Thank you. This is a nightmare for me.

If she reported him for harrassment 8 months ago I don't understand why you are saying the accusations only started when you met the kids a month ago? Also if he is paying double the maintenance required why would she try to reduce contact to get more? That could only happen if he was paying the legal minimum.

You are right. I am in such a muddle. I can't think straight, I am feeling really rather stupid after reading that

I feel totally crushed

Sorry I didn't mean to sound so abrupt! I don't think the maintenance thing makes sense. But beyond that it is hard to know what has gone on between two people when there is so much animosity. It is good that you are not just blindly supporting him and vilifying the ex.

If you are happy with how he treats you then you can always carry on but just be on the alert for anything dodgy from him. But if you have children of your own I would run far away from this mess. They don't need dragging into a situation with so much aggro, accusations and continued legal wrangling.