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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Will he ever love our child the same way?

49 replies

user1490008614 · 20/03/2017 11:45

New to the forum but feel like I'm in desperate need of advice/support.

I'm 18 weeks pregnant and feel so depressed and anxious. I've been with my OH for 3 years. He has a son from a previous relationship who is 4. The mother of his child is a demon who hates me and won't allow for their son to bond with me or be around me but yet has her partner around. This means that I have no attachment towards my DSS. OH had started to put his foot down with his ex and brought his DSS around me but I fear it's too late.

Our whole relationship OH would use his son as a weapon against me. Continual disrespect towards my feelings and then blame it on the fact that he's a father (not answering my calls or texts, but on social media posting gushing pictures of his son "I'm busy with my son! I can't reply to your text or answer your calls!" or when he and his ex would fall out, he'd bring DSS around me but as soon as they resolved their differences he'd withdraw access again. Or my personal favourite "you will never come close to my son. he will always come first over you and your feelings." Once I took him away on his first holiday to Bali and he spent the whole trip arguing with his ex because she wouldn't let him FaceTime his son and then proceeded to put up post after post on social media about how his son is the only thing that matters - despite me sitting on the sun lounger next to him and had funded the whole trip) It's now got to a point where I associate him as a father with my pain in this relationship. When DSS is around, I'm very much the outsider. It's all about them and neither pay the slightest bit of attention to me.

Anyway, a mess up in my contraception meant I fell pregnant. OH was excited...at first. And now it's like Disney Dad guilt has set in and he's completely distant. He lost his job and now he spends all of his time with his son staying at his parents house. He doesn't call or text to check in on the pregnancy, but will check in generally. It's like he doesn't care. When he is with me, he doesn't talk about the baby. I have to bring it up. All he talks about is his son. His phone is filled with pictures of his son. He hasn't really announced this pregnancy to anyone. It hurts because he's told me how excited he was when his ex was pregnant and he'll sometimes share old posts on his Fbook he made while she was pregnant about how happy he is.

The latest concern is an argument we had. He has given me £300 so far towards stuff for the baby. The other day he asked for some money back from that to buy a DVD player for his son. I said no because a DVD player isn't a necessity but a buggy etc for the baby is. He went absolutely crazy and said I was basically sticking two fingers up at his son and I don't consider him. And when I tried to remind him we have a baby to plan for and save for, his response was "fuck your child. I only have one child."

So now I'm in a position where I'm pretty much going to have to go this alone. We haven't seen each other since and when I spoke to him about it he said that he will never sacrifice anything his son needs for anyone but said he still wants to be involved with the baby? How on earth can I raise a child with a man who will always love his first child more than his second? Will I be wrong for removing access?

OP posts:

xStefx · 20/03/2017 11:56

You will raise this child on your own just fine, don't you worry lovely. Your not the first and you sure as hell wont be the last.

he sounds like a twat to be honest, my ex used to use the kids against me aswell like he was more important cos he was a parent! Weird isn't it.

I think he will love the child just as much as he loves his first, he is saying those things to hurt you.
However, I get why his words upset you. Not a nice thing to say, but I do think they were said to hurt you and wont reflect how he feels about the baby. Hope your ok OP x

ImFuckingSpartacus · 20/03/2017 12:00

You won't get to remove access, and you shouldn't even be thinking about it. Your child has a right to its father, even if he is a dickhead

ImpetuousBride · 20/03/2017 12:00

That is just horrible OP. If he had reacted this way as a one-off, it may be ok to excuse it: he may be depressed and miserable due to his job loss, moody, having a bad day etc... but there is a pattern to his behaviour which is very disconcerting. He is not just rude or snappy either, he comes off extremely and unnecessarily aggressive towards you! I don't think you should play tolerant and nice anymore, and let him use the "my son" card every time he wants to shut you up. He is horrid, and self-centered, and you may be better off leaving him to his world of his son and himself. He is outright rejecting you and your baby and no, neither of you should be relying on this man's"love". He is clearly not prepared to compromise, give or sacrifice anything for you or his new baby.

Original poster

user1490008614 · 20/03/2017 12:01

Thanks Stef - he's a really good dad to his son. A bit Disneyish for my liking (no routine no discipline) but when I found out I was expecting I was reassured in that he would be a great dad and support to me. Now I'm doubting that. I've never heard him say these things about his son to his ex when they're warring. So why only to me?

OP posts:

HeyRoly · 20/03/2017 12:01

I think you'll be better off alone. You'll never be happy in your relationship knowing that you're second best to his Disney Dad persona and social media bragging.

What an arsehole.

Original poster

user1490008614 · 20/03/2017 12:04

Spartacus - if it was me he was saying nasty things about, I would never consider removing access. But he's already playing favourites. I don't want my child hurt seeing the way he is with his son and then the different way he is with my child. He has so many pictures of him during his exes pregnancy - kissing her stomach, holding scan pics etc. There are no pictures of him through my pregnancy so far. He's never around - always with his son!

OP posts:

phoenixtherabbit · 20/03/2017 12:18

I think op, you'll be better off without him.

I don't usually say this but perhaps there is a reason the ex is behaving as she is? Your oh may be the reason.

Hope you're ok x

ImFuckingSpartacus · 20/03/2017 12:19

Yes, but thats not a good reason, and you can't do it anyway.

Plus you have no idea yet whether he will be different to your child than his, yours isn't extant yet.

phoenixtherabbit · 20/03/2017 12:21

If he's that devoted to his son he may not bother with access.

You won't be able to take access away completely, but you make him take you to court to get it and by the sounds of him he probably wouldn't bother anyway.

I'm not saying that's what I'd do, or that's what you should do, but it's an option.

xStefx · 20/03/2017 12:31

I do think your better off leaving the relationship though.
Reason is because if you stay with him he may try to put the other child over you and your baby as a package (because he still wants to treat you the way he has been).

If you finish the relationship then he has the chance to be a dad to your baby on an even keel with his DS, also you wont be there for him to feel the need to hurt you.

He doesn't sound like a nice boyfriend, but may be a good dad. You probably wont need to withhold access BUT if you think he starts to favour one child over another and make it obvious to the child then id be pulling contact straight away to save your DC the emotional damage.

ImperialBlether · 20/03/2017 12:34

Why did you stay with him after Bali? That would've been enough for me.

swingofthings · 20/03/2017 12:37

Oh dear! Nothing to say really. You fell pregnant and decided to keep your child despite knowing that your boyfriend wasn't committed to you, let alone a new child. You are now realising that it is highly likely that things will change.

You can't undo the future, not can you control what he wants or not want. As it stands, you are better off considering the future as a single mum. You're only 18 weeks pregnant though, so still some time to decide what father he is going to be when the baby is born.

My friend's boyfriend was horrible when she was pregnant and a few months afterwards, but somehow, he had a wake up call after a few months. They've been together for 9 years now and he absolutely adores his daughter. It can happen.

Original poster

user1490008614 · 20/03/2017 12:55

Imperial we did break up once we got back. He suffers from quite severe depression and it was too much for me to handle. We had a break for five months and got back together when I'd seen a change in his behaviour and he started taking his anti-depressants. He'd stopped all the social media gushing (and indirect bashing of me) but during arguments he will still throw his son in my face. If I criticise his parenting skills (he still cradles his 4 year old to sleep and wants to sleep in the bed with him), he tells me I don't understand because I'm not a parent. He complains none of his family have a great bond with his son and that I'm more attached to his nieces and my godchild than his son, but at the same time he doesn't allow anyone the chance to bond with his son because he wants to be all his son knows and sees.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1490008614 · 20/03/2017 12:57

Swingofthings he doesn't cheat. When he doesn't have his son, he's a good boyfriend. It's when he does have his son that he turns like this. And now since I've been pregnant.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 20/03/2017 13:21

He doesn't sound like a good dad to his son, he sounds like a thorough tosser. And you are jealous of his son and protective of your baby. Basically its a car crash waiting to happen. I recommend you distance yourself from him, forget any hopes of a relationship between the two of you and let him go to court to arrange access to your child.

Original poster

user1490008614 · 20/03/2017 13:28

Thanks - the relationship is definitely over. My concern is what I do about the baby.

OP posts:

Evilstepmum01 · 20/03/2017 14:09

Thanks - the relationship is definitely over. My concern is what I do about the baby

Nothing. You go on as you are and prepare mentally for life as a single mum. Leave it up to him to decide what to do about the baby. You cannot force him to care. He clearly doesnt care about you.

Back off, ignore him. Once the baby is born, leave it up to him to contact you to arrange access.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but you have to think of your baby. He clearly isnt.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 20/03/2017 16:15

And when I tried to remind him we have a baby to plan for and save for, his response was "fuck your child. I only have one child."

For me there really would be no coming back after I heard this. You cannot unsay those words, it was absolutely awful of him.

My concern is what I do about the baby.

You stop trying to make contact with him and carry on by yourself for now making plans. Assume you will be doing it alone and carry on from there.

Do you have family or a friend that can accompany you to scans and appointments, go shopping for baby things?

Any NCT groups where you can take classes and meet other prospective mums?

Are you working saving for mat leave now?

Get your ducks in a row. You can do this, and your love will be enough for your little one.

Original poster

user1490008614 · 20/03/2017 16:25

Thanks lemonpledge I'm the higher earner out of the two of us. He was always going to be the SAHD while I went back to work after 8 months. My family are incredibly supportive and excited about the baby. I'm not worried about support or money. It's the embarrassment. I live in a small town. Everyone knows he's the father of my baby. People who know I'm pregnant have asked how he's been towards the pregnancy and I find myself lying about it to save face. It's making me not want to do an announcement or anything because I'll have to ignore questions about baby's dad, spurring rumour, or address questions, spurring gossip.

I'm just so angry and hurt right now. I never thought he would be like this towards our unborn child. When I spoke to him earlier to arrange handing back belongings, he has gone into 'feel sorry for myself mode' where he doesn't want to acknowledge anything or do anything and just sink further into his depression. I know I've made the right choice, I just hate I was faced with it in the first place. Even shitter because he's a better man when he's with me; I make him. Encourage him up, motivate him, teach him, show him he can be and do better. But I get no gratitude for it.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 20/03/2017 17:06

Making someone a better man sounds like a lifetime of hard work. And not really worth the effort. Concentrate on yourself and your baby. Maybe one day you'll find someone to have an equal relationship with, I hope so.

I strongly suggest that you don't give the baby his name or put him in the birth certificate. He'll still be able to claim parental responsibility if he wants It, it just means he'll need to make an effort. If he does make it then you can start to negotiate any future involvement.

Original poster

user1490008614 · 20/03/2017 18:09

Thanks Barbarian - I won't be putting his name on the birth certificate at all or giving his surname.

OP posts:

HelenDenver · 20/03/2017 18:16

I am sorry you are procreating with a bellend.

Do you want him to pay CM?

ImFuckingSpartacus · 20/03/2017 18:44

If he applies to court he'll be put on the birth certificate, and get parental rights.
It's not about what you want or how much he's pissed you off, its about the rights of the child.

HelenDenver · 20/03/2017 18:50

Op can't put him on the certificate unless he attends the registration of the birth, IFS.

Original poster

user1490008614 · 20/03/2017 19:05

Spartacus I will always tell my child who their father is and I will remain close to his family. When the baby is born I will give him ONE chance to show me he won't treat my child like a toy to be picked up and dropped whenever. Doesn't mean I need to put his name on the birth certificate or give the baby his name. If he proves himself, I will add him.

OP posts:

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