Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Will he ever love our child the same way?

49 replies

user1490008614 · 20/03/2017 11:45

New to the forum but feel like I'm in desperate need of advice/support.

I'm 18 weeks pregnant and feel so depressed and anxious. I've been with my OH for 3 years. He has a son from a previous relationship who is 4. The mother of his child is a demon who hates me and won't allow for their son to bond with me or be around me but yet has her partner around. This means that I have no attachment towards my DSS. OH had started to put his foot down with his ex and brought his DSS around me but I fear it's too late.

Our whole relationship OH would use his son as a weapon against me. Continual disrespect towards my feelings and then blame it on the fact that he's a father (not answering my calls or texts, but on social media posting gushing pictures of his son "I'm busy with my son! I can't reply to your text or answer your calls!" or when he and his ex would fall out, he'd bring DSS around me but as soon as they resolved their differences he'd withdraw access again. Or my personal favourite "you will never come close to my son. he will always come first over you and your feelings." Once I took him away on his first holiday to Bali and he spent the whole trip arguing with his ex because she wouldn't let him FaceTime his son and then proceeded to put up post after post on social media about how his son is the only thing that matters - despite me sitting on the sun lounger next to him and had funded the whole trip) It's now got to a point where I associate him as a father with my pain in this relationship. When DSS is around, I'm very much the outsider. It's all about them and neither pay the slightest bit of attention to me.

Anyway, a mess up in my contraception meant I fell pregnant. OH was excited...at first. And now it's like Disney Dad guilt has set in and he's completely distant. He lost his job and now he spends all of his time with his son staying at his parents house. He doesn't call or text to check in on the pregnancy, but will check in generally. It's like he doesn't care. When he is with me, he doesn't talk about the baby. I have to bring it up. All he talks about is his son. His phone is filled with pictures of his son. He hasn't really announced this pregnancy to anyone. It hurts because he's told me how excited he was when his ex was pregnant and he'll sometimes share old posts on his Fbook he made while she was pregnant about how happy he is.

The latest concern is an argument we had. He has given me £300 so far towards stuff for the baby. The other day he asked for some money back from that to buy a DVD player for his son. I said no because a DVD player isn't a necessity but a buggy etc for the baby is. He went absolutely crazy and said I was basically sticking two fingers up at his son and I don't consider him. And when I tried to remind him we have a baby to plan for and save for, his response was "fuck your child. I only have one child."

So now I'm in a position where I'm pretty much going to have to go this alone. We haven't seen each other since and when I spoke to him about it he said that he will never sacrifice anything his son needs for anyone but said he still wants to be involved with the baby? How on earth can I raise a child with a man who will always love his first child more than his second? Will I be wrong for removing access?

OP posts:

Original poster

user1490008614 · 20/03/2017 19:06

Helen out of his ESA money? Lol hardly. Money was never something I wanted from him. It was support and stability.

OP posts:

ImFuckingSpartacus · 20/03/2017 19:07

The name has nothing to do with it, and again you're confusing your wishes with the childs rights, which will always come first if it gets to court.

Original poster

user1490008614 · 20/03/2017 19:17

Child safety will always come first. He's a manic depressive with no job and no stable home. If he's in and out of my child's life and treating my child badly in comparison to his son and not offering any financial or emotional support, no judge will grant him access. He would never take me to court anyway. Like I said, he has one chance. I'm not putting my child through a lifetime of broken promises and wonders of why they're not good enough for his love when I could meet a man who would be a far better father.

OP posts:

HelenDenver · 20/03/2017 19:21

Mmm.

IFS is right though about rights, and a judge may go for supervised access if there is a risk he is a danger, but as he sees the other child I suspect it wouldn't come to that

ImFuckingSpartacus · 20/03/2017 19:26

If he's a capable parent to another child, he will get access. And probably not supervised either.
Wasn't he a manic depressive when you planned for him to be a SAHD? How is he suddenly dangerous when you're apart if he wasn't when you were together?

I'm not trying to mean, I'm just trying to show you that if it comes to court, what you want doesn't matter much at all. He will get parental rights and access.

BaymaxismyHero · 20/03/2017 19:31

I wouldn't worry too much right now about court action.

He sounds like he can't be bothered so he may well be the same when baby is here.

As your not married he can only go on the birth certificate if he goes with you.
I would just focus on your pregnancy, don't contact him and see if he makes the effort.

Original poster

user1490008614 · 20/03/2017 19:44

IFS when he's with me I make him take his anti depressants. When we have breaks he doesn't take them. He's aggressive when he's not on them and actually he shouldn't be around his son when he's off his meds as he's lashed out at family and his ex in front of him and now his son is violent too. His dads house is awful. His dads an alcoholic and always has druggies in the house - but that's where OH would be choosing to take my baby? No. Here I can control the environment. His ex his slack and doesn't care about her sons environment as long as she has her time and I don't think she can handle the son hence why she never spends time with him. I could go on but I don't know how much I'd trust OH to have my child without me in his life.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 20/03/2017 19:59

I didn't make any reference to him cheating so not sure where this come from. What you need to accept is that this pregnancy wasn't planned, at least not by him.

You say he was happy when you found out you were pregnant but maybe he just pretended, or maybe he was when he thought about the fun part of being a dad again, but when reality hit him, he started to have doubts.

You're happy to be pregnant and have bonded with your unborn child, or course you're going to feel differently. You can't make him excited or interested in your pregnancy if he isn't just as he can't force you to be interested in his son.

Original poster

user1490008614 · 20/03/2017 20:21

Swing, he was at me for months to get pregnant. I'm thankful for your input but that part is wrong. He was very excited at first. Told his son straight away. His sisters. But as time has gone on he's lost interest and drifted away from me and the baby towards his son and trying to rebuild bridges with his ex.

You say he wasn't committed to me. He was. He was just more committed to his son.

OP posts:

Mombie2016 · 21/03/2017 13:08

Okay.

If he refuses to sign the birth certificate there's nothing you can do. You can't force him to be a father. Even if he does sign the BC there is no law that states the baby has to have HIS surname, that is your choice ultimately as you aren't married.

If he doesn't sign and later wants access he will have to apply to court for a paternity test because they can't add to a BC without one. Once that's done he will have PR and can apply for access. Depending on how old baby is and how long since he saw/if he ever saw the baby depends on what he would get.

It's complicated but my ExH hasn't seen our DS since he was 7 weeks old (now 14 months) and my divorce solicitor has advised he'd be lucky to get even supervised contact (but ExH is also homeless alcoholic and drug user and a terrible parent to his elder DS)

Whether he signs it or not you can claim child support. A friend of mines ex isn't on their child's BC - his choice to be a deadbeat - and CMS have just done a Deduction from Earnings and she now has a regular monthly payment.

HelenDenver · 21/03/2017 13:36

"Whether he signs it or not you can claim child support. A friend of mines ex isn't on their child's BC - his choice to be a deadbeat - and CMS have just done a Deduction from Earnings and she now has a regular monthly payment."

Um, I'm not sure this is right. Either a court thinks he is the father and liable for CM and therefore entitled to be on the birth certificate, or not.

Not saying that all who pay CM are on the BC, but if he is acknowledged as the father by CMS, i would expect him to have PR and be added to the BC if he wishes.

Original poster

user1490008614 · 21/03/2017 13:43

Helen I read on the website that paying CMS does not entitle you to access to the child.

OP posts:

ImFuckingSpartacus · 21/03/2017 13:48

Neither does not paying CMS mean you won't get access. The 2 have nothing to do with each other.

You can't even apply for CMS though without naming on the birth cert or naming to the court.

HelenDenver · 21/03/2017 13:48

Not to access, no. Access is determined separately.

But a man paying CM is, logically, acknowledged by the mother and official bodies as the natural father. Hence I don't see why he wouldn't be on the birth certificate and have PR.

Peanutbutterrules · 21/03/2017 13:51

Sounds best to drift away and be a single mom. Nothing you're saying makes him sound like a good, reliable, loving person.

Original poster

user1490008614 · 21/03/2017 13:55

I wouldn't want CMS from him. He can't seem to hold a job.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1490008614 · 21/03/2017 13:57

FYI: www.gov.uk/child-maintenance/disagreements-about-parentage father does not need to be on the BC to pay CMS.

OP posts:

HelenDenver · 21/03/2017 14:02

I must not be making myself clear.

IF the CMS has determined, as per the link, that the man is the father, THEN there would be no grounds for him not having PR (unless explicitly ruled out by a court) and being added to the BC

HelenDenver · 21/03/2017 14:03

Regardless of CM, though, he could of course seek to be added to the BC and gain PR.

Mombie2016 · 21/03/2017 14:13

Helen he isn't on the BC because he chose not to be and has chosen not to be in his child's life. My friend DOES get regular CM through a Deduction from Earnings. Doesn't matter if they are on the BC or not. He admits he is the father but does not want to see the child. However thankfully the law means he does have to pay for the child regardless.

My ex also refused to sign it however we were married so I added him to it anyway because was I fuck leaving it blank.

Original poster

user1490008614 · 21/03/2017 14:37

He will not take me to court. His ex took an injunction out on him because he kept taking his son out of nursery without her say so when she would withdraw access and he didn't turn up to court to fight it.

OP posts:

HelenDenver · 21/03/2017 14:45

Sure, mombue, but he could be if he wanted!

Isthisusernamefree · 21/03/2017 22:52

You poor thing, this sounds horrible for you and certainly not what you need to be dealing with on top of the pregnancy.

Personally, I would quietly distance myself from him. His relationship with his son doesn't sound altogether healthy, nor does his mental state. With what he's already said about his son always coming first, I would certainly worry about how your baby would be treated by him during access visits. Do you have any written evidence of him saying these sorts of things? I don't know if it would help further down the line, but it might be a good idea to keep copies of this sort of evidence.

And I also wouldn't put him on the BC. I wouldn't even have him at the birth. If he doesn't turn up to register the baby you can't put him on there anyway so he might end up making that decision for you. I agree that you can't keep a child from their father and the rights of the child come first, but above all else, that child should be safeguarded from abuse/harm etc and I would not trust this man at all. Unless he takes you to court and it's ordered, you don't have to give him overnight access or unsupervised access, especially while your child is a baby. If he ever bothers to ask to see the baby, tell him you're happy for him to see the baby at your house and make sure someone else is there with you.

But certainly, don't contact him and if he contacts you keep it short. Keep your distance.

user1488198315 · 22/03/2017 11:26

Goodness - what an awful situation you are in... I'm afraid I can't add anything to what has already been said but I agree with everything 'isthisusernamefree' has said.... you need to look after yourself and the little one (now and when its born)... you don't need that kind of man/father to your child, in your life....

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread