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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Hiding in bedroom away from skid

87 replies

NotJuliaRoberts · 07/03/2017 12:11

Does anyone else do this?

We have 6yr old SD for two thirds of the time up from 50% (recent court order, hopefully temporary). I find her loud, overbearing, and the recent increase in tantrums is unbearable. She will follow me around the house and even into the bathroom and sit and watch me pee.

DP is a Disney Dad with the typical guilt and permissive parenting. He also seems to have a bizarre love affair with his SD and often says he'd be happy if life was just him and her.

I have recently began hiding in the bedroom whenever SD visits. I am very quiet and just read or watch TV. I am 19 weeks pregnant and can't deal with the relentlessness of SD. I'd much rather sit on my own, lonely as it is.

I know I can't do this forever, but for now, it's keeping me sane.

Anyone identify?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Annesmyth123 · 07/03/2017 12:42

She will know that you're hoping that she's only there more of the time temporarily. And that will be rotten for her. She's only 6.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/03/2017 12:42

That took me ages to write. All the relevant points have already been made by much wiser and more succinct posters than me

BitchPeas · 07/03/2017 12:44

Why couldn't you be a single parent?

It's not healthy to bring up a baby or your step daughter in this situation if you DH is this ineffectual.

xStefx · 07/03/2017 12:49

Well OP- he was hers before he was yours and always will be. Bless her for liking you and wanting to get to know you.

Learn to like the kid or leave as I cant imagine how awful it must be for the child to know her dads girlfriend doesn't want to be around her and hides in the bedroom from her (especially as she must like you with the following you around)
If you leave him and find someone else then your kid will also be a SKID (in your words) lets hope your child isn't treated the way you treat this little girl.
You knew he had a child before you got with him, it may be easier for him and her if you leave. I have 2 SD, I love them to bits and made a huge effort to get to know them because I love their dad.

Somevampsarehot · 07/03/2017 12:54

I find it interesting that you hope that having your dsd this much is only temporary. There is always a chance that your dp ends up with sole custody, if mum dies or can't look after your dsd etc. You knew this when you entered into a relationship with him, and when you fell pregnant, and when you decided to have an abortion but then changed your mind. You've essentially toed yourself to this man in the hope that your dsd doesn't end up living with you permanently, and I feel very sad for the poor girl. She's 6. I think it's time to step up and actually be a step-parent op. Either that or you leave.

Somevampsarehot · 07/03/2017 12:55

*tied, not toed! Bloody autocorrect

tigerrun · 07/03/2017 13:10

Poor kid, at 6 she will know you don't like her and seeing yourself as 'just an adult who happens to be in the house' is heartbreaking for her and a really shitty attitude.

This man is quite right right to love his child - it isn't a 'bizarre love affair' at all, the only thing that is bizarre is your opinion of it. I remember a couple of my Dad's weird girlfriends who were only interested in him not us, thankfully they all disappeared off the scene before he got any of them knocked up and we ended up with a lovely step-mum who loved us and made us feel like part of her family (and they are still together and she is still lovely 35 years later).

You say that you couldn't be a single parent, I imagine as this is your attitude towards his daughter you won't have much choice in the matter soon if he really is a decent dad. Have a word with yourself and stop being so selfish and weird - you sound really unpleasant.

2014newme · 07/03/2017 13:12

Yep, my dad had some rubbish girlfriends along the way too till he met my stepmother.
You sound jealous of his daughter and that he cares for her and loves her. This us all a recipe for disaster when baby comes

ofudginghell · 07/03/2017 13:14

I find this quite upsetting.
I have a six year old dd and yes she can be bloody hard work but so can the others.
They need emotional support as well as practical and at her age she's still a baby in terms of her view of things.
You sound very detached from her already and that's awful.
If you don't think you can form a bond with her and treat her fondly then I suggest you leave before your emotional behaviour and a new baby completely mess her up for life.
Awful post

Original poster

NotJuliaRoberts · 07/03/2017 13:18

Bless her for liking you

No. Not at all. It's not uncommon for her to say "When is [my name] going to die? I want [my name] to go away, right NOW!"

You knew he had a child before you got with him

She was not hard work back then. A lot happened in her life (none of it to do with me) to cause the frequent tantrums and other behaviour.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 07/03/2017 13:20

Your distain for her comes through in your posts. She's just a little girl most likely confused if she's in her fathers care majority of the time. How could you be so reckless to get pregnant when you quite clearly not cut out to be a step parent. You can't be single for your mental health?? Get a grip some people aren't single mothers through their choice but they just get on with it. It is however unfair on your dp daughter that is has to endure your attitude towards her for the seeable future because you don't want to give the little girl a chance and your staying so your not on your own. Grow up and start being an adult. I hope your dp sees sense and puts his dd first.

Underthemoonlight · 07/03/2017 13:21

You lack any compassion

Annesmyth123 · 07/03/2017 13:22

A lot happened in her life (none of it to do with her)

There. I fixed that for you.

CryingShame · 07/03/2017 13:30

God, I could have written an identical post to you, but from the pov of the child disliked and resented by step parents living with both birth parents.

Do the poor kid a favour and leave her dad. Having a SMother who hides upstairs because she doesn't want to be with you is very confusing and bewildering for a child who can't see why you dislike her. She hasn't asked for you to come along and move in with her dad.

If DH does "all of her care" you're not even trying to form a family with her and her dad and the new baby are you? I remember the "my baby gets X and you don't" conversations well - do you get the damage you are doing to this child?

Sod how she is reacting - that's how kids react when the adults around them, whoever they are, behave badly. Please stop adding to that mix.

She won't disappear from your life for a long time, and you're not mature enough to be in hers. Stop hiding from her and either start working with her dad to improve this or leave. Adding a baby who you love and see as far superior to her will not improve the mix.

Christ, that poor kid.

xStefx · 07/03/2017 13:36

To be honest kids are a great judge of character. She was obviously nice and polite when you first appeared on her and her dads scene. (on your best behaviour no doubt)
Then she noticed that you didn't like her, hides away from her
No wonder she wants you gone, I would have changed my attitude towards you too. Of course she doesn't want her dad to be with a woman that "hides from her" .. That's why she keeps asking when your going! Kids are really clever. You need to be the adult here but im not sure if that's possible from the sounds of it.

smileyhappypeople · 07/03/2017 13:37

You knew he had a child when you met him! You became part of that child's life and so now you gotta suck it up or leave.
Children are for better or worse I'm afraid so just because she was good then and now you think she's not is tough really.
How are you going to cope when you gorgeous sleepy baby goes through 4 month sleep regression and screams all night or grows into a two year old walking nightmare??
I feel sorry for both of these children:
I have a cousin who's mum died when she was younger and her 'stepmom' despite being her only mum makes it perfectly clear that she is not her daughter and she wouldn't have her if she had a choice! I also went through the same thing and now I don't even speak to my mum because her husband won the war and got to keep her all to himself with their new kid.
Grow up and step up or leave them to it

smileyhappypeople · 07/03/2017 13:40

Oh and exactly what annesmyth said!

Bluebell9 · 07/03/2017 13:45

Have you tried spending time with her? She might be feeling rejected by you as you said she follows you round but you want to hide away?
I dont have kids yet but I have 2 DSC, when they are with us, I don't get much space, they both come into my bedroom while I get ready for work etc, i choose to enjoy those times rather than see it as an invasion of my space.

As you don't want to leave, your relationship with your SD needs to improve so you are both happier.

HerOtherHalf · 07/03/2017 13:48

You don't seem cut out for being a step-parent. To be blunt, your complete lack of empathy, actually your complete contempt, for a 6-year-old makes me wonder if you're even cut out to be a parent. Your partner is a dad (and a good one at that by the sound of it). If you can't deal with it then cut him loose and let him get on with his life because his daughter is not going to disappear for your selfish convenience.

swingofthings · 07/03/2017 18:50

So it sounds like you resent her presence in her life and showing it by keeping away from her which hurts your DP deeply. He is retaliating by telling you that he would be just as happy if you were not there and giving her all the attention. You then resent the attention that she is getting rather than you.

I think you need to accept the situation. This child is in his life which means she is in your life. You say yourself that she's been through a lot and clearly continues to do so as she will inevitably feel your lack of interest in her, so it is not surprising at all that she should be experiencing tantrums, in addition to the fact that 6yo do have tantrums, especially when they are tired, continue to do so in teenagehood, and also in adulthood for some.

Make your choice: Make an effort to accept her in your life and focus on the positives and what she can bring to your life, or accept that it is highly likely that if you don't leave, your OH might do so at some point.

By the way, that doesn't mean taking on his responsibility, just accepting her in his life and your home.

SookiesSocks · 07/03/2017 18:55

Oh dear. So many things wrong with the set up.

She is his daughter. She is never going away. Deal with that or leave.

Wdigin2this · 07/03/2017 19:33

Well, even though I can empathise with your difficulty with this child, she is his DD...and that will bever change! I also feel you were (dare I say it) unwise to conceive a baby with your DP, whether his DD's behaviour has escalated or not, it doesn't sound like a sufficiently solid relationship!
She is a factor in both your lives, DisneyDad's tend never to change, and it is highly likely that your lives will become more disrupted, when the new baby comes....sorry but you asked!

twattymctwatterson · 07/03/2017 19:39

So you acknowledge that her behaviour has changed as a result of things which have happened to her? And it sounds like you want to send her back into the situation which has messed her up in the first place so you can get your space back. She's a damaged 6 year old child, what's your excuse?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 07/03/2017 19:40

That poor little girl Let's hope her dad sees sense and leaves you. I could never be with someone who vehemently disliked my children.

You sound unpleasant at best OP.

LurkingQuietly · 07/03/2017 19:47

You sound utterly awful OP. Your posts have made me cry for the first time on MN. Do that little girl a favour and leave now.

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