At a dead end with me, my stepchildr and my OCD

[OCD6stepmom888]

Dear all, after browsing this site I've finally decided to join as I now need a different perspective on my situation.

A bit of background to give some sort of a picture. I was friends with my OH for 4 months before we decided to make it official. We have been in a serious relationship since winter 2014 and 3 months after making it official I moved into his house where he lived with his 2 adult dc, DS and DD. They are very quiet and days can go by without us physically seeing each other in the house because of the size, (5+ bedrooms) and 2 storey. I know whenever they've been in or still in the house because they leave traces behind, i.e. used stove then left it dirty, dirty dishes, dirty kitchen counter, dirty microwave, used bathroom left it messy, etc.
Before I moved in with my boyfriend, we discussed about my cleaning OCD and house proud qualities. I like things being clean, tidy and organised, I just can't help it - it's in my DNA.
Given, that he was fully aware of my OCD we have worked together in different ways since 2015 to get his children (the 2 adults who live here from the begining and 3 younger ones who recently moved in with us July 2016 due to changes to parental custody) to be more clean and tidy around the house. Few months after the younger ones (dsd 17yrs, dss 14 yrs & dss12 yrs) moved in I found out I was pregnant and am now 20 weeks along. I managed to get dss 1 and dss 2 into a routine of doing house chores after school for 1hr, home work for 2hrs and then they can go on the PS4. There dad supported this fully. However, I noticed it was not fully supported by the two adult sc ( 22 sd & 20 ss). If they are around they'll leave the house messy and not instruct the dss1 & dss 2 to do the chores they are assigned. Instead they'll let dss 1 and dss 2 entertain themselves on the PS4/PlayStation until their bed time. Due to this they have never been able to maintain any sort of structured routine after school. I know the sc resent me for trying to create some sort of productive structure but I saw it as something that will benefit them for the future and plan to do the same for me own child. The adult dss is very lazy and hardly helps around the house. I suppose the younger dss 1 and dss 2, want to follow in his footsteps.

Things eventually reached the point where I am tired of appearing as the nagging/strict stepmom so eventually backed off completely. When I get home after a tiring day at work, I am greeted by a dirty kitchen, dirty bathroom (sometimes toilet not flushed and I see nasty surprise floating or urine on toilet seat) and messy living room, I flip to the extent I don't want to live there anymore. I am tired of coming across as a nagging stepmom and for sometime have withdrawn from that role. I told OH that I don't want any involvement in any aspect of SC lives and that they are entirely his responsibility (cooking, cleaning, discipline, etc...).

If I don't clean the fridge and cupboards no one does it so they've been dirty for some time. SC will spill coke, and other stuff in the fridge but never think to clean it up. I will buy grocery on Monday and by Wednesday when I have cravings a whole tube of cheese has disappeared and no one knows what happened to it. Because of this, I used to worry about the state of the fridge and germs getting into my food. Also, food going missing when I have cravings late at night.

Last weekend, I thought enough was enough, so off I went cleaning and cleared out some cupboards and another fridge in the kitchen for storing my own grocery separate from everyone else's. OH has told sc not to use my fridge or cupboard. OH is responsible for the cooking of his dc and I cook only for myself using kitchen stuff I bought recently for my personal use. When I cook in the kitchen, I navigate around all the mess they leave but clean everything that I use and store it away nicely. I might clean some of there mess up but not everything. So in the end the kitchen is left the same as they left it.

This is not the kind of person that I want to be but sadly, I think I have tried a lot of things with the support of their father to get sc to maintain a tidy house and raise their standards but to no avail.

Everyday, the house is in a messy state and in the past when I used to clean frequently tidying up the mess, within hours it gets messy again. SC do not immediately tidy up after themselves, instead leave the mess until 24hrs or 48hrs later or until there dad eventually clean it up.

SC are not happy about the pregnancy. The relationship between me and SC have deteriorated badly. I feel I have no other option but to live a separate life amongst them otherwise I will be constantly nagging and worrying if things I am using to put my food on has germs. I think SC do not like that I have my own set of things in the kitchen they are not allowed to use. This has only been going on since Sunday. On Monday after I finished making food and tidy everything away, then started tucking into my meal. To my delight one of the SC put dirt mixed with wood chippings in my mashed veg and couscous. I did wonder why the mashed veg had so many little hard rocky bits in it but took those out and carried on eating. Then when I went back for more couscous, I took a spoon from the bottom and it was then I saw what looked like dirt (it had different colour and texture). I almost had a massive panic attack! Half-way into eating, I had to throw the entire lot away. They know that I am 20 weeks pregnant, so need to eat but I guess also deserve to be punished for wanting a tidy house.

I don't know if it was the adult SC or younger ones who did it, so have not said anything about it to them. I did let there dad know what happened and that I am not happy about it. Today after cooking I locked my food away in my room which I have a key for so it will be safe. I can't deal with having dirt in my food again.

Although I love my OH and want us to be together, I am not comfortable living with his DC and they have told him explicitly they do not want me in the house living with them as I am an outsider. I am considering to move out the house at some point after the baby has been born and into my own house that I want OH to help me to buy, whilst maintaining my relationship with OH. Has anyone done this before and it worked? Am I being unreasonable?
Is moving out the only option?

Also, my OH is okay with disciplining his kids but I find that it wears off and he is not consistent. when he is not around they behave slightly worse and are more confrontational towards me, telling me outright that I should live their house and not come back. In front of OH they are better behaved. OH also doesn't want to come across as strict all the time and can be soft because he has some guilt that his children had to go through the divorce and brought up in a split home.

I love OH but am not happy living in the house with his kids. Confused???

OP, you're slightly hilarious. Is it atypical to have a masters and a job by 26? I had one by 23. The way you are so proud of that: I know people who had bought houses (without help) by 21. I know people who left school at 15 and created million pound companies by 20.

So the fact that you can hold down a job, and apparently get pregnant by a richer man and live off him by 28 isn't much of an accomplishment.

That aside, you are not a step parent, you are not their step parent. They have a mother. It's not you.

Also, you don't have to believe me but if they are mixing dirt into your food, I'm guessing your "step children" don't like it very much either.

Just move out. Your DP shouldn't have moved you in anyway. It makes no sense. You need space, your relationship is new. You should have financial independence (he should buy you the house in YOUR NAME). You have OCD. Moving in was a silly idea and he should know better.

You are pregnant, you want to nest. You want to enjoy your home and control your space. You can't do that in the house. When the baby is here, it'll be worse. You'll be exhausted and you'll want privacy and freedom and you won't want to be getting into arguments with his adult children.

Move out.

Apple the OP doesn't have OCD

You should be ashamed of yourself, claiming a mental health condition you don't have is responsible for your unreasonable behaviour towards your step children.

OCD has nothing to do with being a neat freak, house proud or having high standards. It can be a completely paralysing and debilitating condition. Preventing the sufferer from accomplishing any day to day tasks as they may have to repeat the start of the task for hours, never actually reaching their goal.

Imagine spending 4 hours getting ready to brush your teeth, wasting a full tube of paste but never actually getting the brush near your mouth.

That's before even touching on the crippling intrusive thoughts and images suffers experience. Imagine trying to pick up your child, but every time you do you hear voices and see flashes of terrible ways it could all go wrong and horrifically harm your baby.

I can't believe your boyfriend puts up with your attitude to his children.

You should have financial independence (he should buy you the house in YOUR NAME)

Why should he buy the house.

Blimey OP - you need to back off with your partners older children. You are much their age yet you are telling them what they should do. It as their home before you moved in.

And what was the food thing all about? Are you sure you didn’t just burn your dinner?

I'm gobsmacked - this is all about you and not the 6 other people who's lives you've imposed upon and then tried to change.

I like a tidy and clean house like the best of them but I hire a cleaner and limit the chores to something that is reasonable for the SC to work with. OH does more than he did before and I do the lions share as I like things a "certain way". I also work and own my own property outside of the relationship so I'm not beholden to any of this.

I'm interested OP, what do you bring to this party that is of benefit to the other 6 people that you're running rings around in their own home?

OP has made it pretty clear, actually - the DP works long and 'gruelling' hours, yet appears to have taken custody of his three younger children and providing little in the way of parenting to the older ones either.

So, OP has been looking after the younger ones after school (admittedly looking after has involved a bootcamp approach to cleaning and homework), pushed her DP to ensure his 17 year old got the support to pass her GCSEs, spent weeks reminding their father to have a chat with the older ones about university/careers, chasing up the DP even whilst on holiday to ensure university applications were submitted.

It's no wonder he moved you in after 3 months, OP. I fail to see what actual parenting he has been doing all this time. Moving you in after such a short time was just one of many examples of poor and lazy parenting. Failure to reprimand his children more recently is another.

Gosh, that all got intense stepmom!

It's great that you have been flexible since moving in and are prepared to renegotiate your role as you go. It sounds as though you have a lot to offer his family, if you want to, and if they agree.

You will be needing support from them too, when your baby arrives. Babies do take over a bit, and you want them to welcome their half sibling rather than resent it.

I think talking this through with DH, then the older sibs to work out where you can fit in would be really helpful. Then talk with the younger ones to explain how it will work.

Your user name and claims of OCD when even you admit you don't have it are offensive

You sound very controlling tbh, sorting out everyone else's life. I'm not surprised the DSC don't like you, although the trick with your food is downright nasty and not ok.

You don't have a blended family. You have you and your husband and his family.

I do not have OCD but I understand you on the issue of teenagers not helping around the house. I feel like other people are getting caught up on the timing of the chores. I come from a background where if you make a mess, clean it up. I also have a no clean kitchen no cooking rule. I know that teenagers are challenging and that their hormones rule, however I physically and emotionally can not clean up after them. We are thinking of moving to a bigger place and I have plans of turning the basement into my 'place' where I will have my own kitchenette and shower. Is it possible to convert part of the house to ''your space''?

I do not have OCD

Nor does the OP.

She's already got her own special room, if she's going to have a separate kitchen as well she may as well live in a caravan on the drive!

I do not understand, the same as other pp, why such a big house with so many people in does not have a dishwasher and a cleaner.

You leave the dinner dishes for the kids to wash up when they get home from school the next day. That is bizarre.

Get a cleaner to come in for a couple of house a day, do the kitchen and bathrooms, and a general hoover round. That may make a big difference to everyone in the household, and make things calmer.

Stop telling the kids/adults that they are dirty, they have obviously responded to this with putting dirt in your food.

See how that goes and if it does not make a difference move out.

Well said Blueclearskies ! You beat me to it !! A 7 bedroom house with 4 adults living in it and another 3 sc... no way will a cleaning schedule work ! Your OH works ridiculous hours, which I assume means he's a high earner. (One would guess that from the 7 bedroom house). Then the simple solution is very easy to see. Get a cleaner ! Why on earth hasn't this already happened ? £12 an hr where I live. X 2 hrs a day. FGS you could have them in every day of the week and have fucking sparkly bathrooms 24/7 for £120 a week - a lot for some but bugger all for someone of your OH earning potential. You could offer to pay half as it's you who is unhappy with the cleanliness.

I have some questions of the whole set up though -

Was baby planned or an 'accident' ?
Do you currently work. ?
Why has the custody arrangement changed in 2016.
If mum is 'brilliant' why are they living with dad (who is never there and sounds completely detached from his kids ) - why did they choose to live with him ? Where is mum in all this. ?
How has a 'brilliant mum' found herself without her children ?
How old is your OH ?

You say you were in the middle of buying your own house. Why is this in the past tense ? Did you stop
the purchase . If so that was unwise. You are unmarried and are having a baby. You have no legal security except his obligation to pay maintenance. He has 5 (if the older 2 are at Uni) to support and his residual income will be severely diminished for maintenance purposes should you split. Although many high earners have extremely creative accountants -all legal - who can easily lose a large income when it comes to Child maintenance calculations. You need to protect yourself financially by working and buying your own home.