At a dead end with me, my stepchildr and my OCD

[OCD6stepmom888]

Dear all, after browsing this site I've finally decided to join as I now need a different perspective on my situation.

A bit of background to give some sort of a picture. I was friends with my OH for 4 months before we decided to make it official. We have been in a serious relationship since winter 2014 and 3 months after making it official I moved into his house where he lived with his 2 adult dc, DS and DD. They are very quiet and days can go by without us physically seeing each other in the house because of the size, (5+ bedrooms) and 2 storey. I know whenever they've been in or still in the house because they leave traces behind, i.e. used stove then left it dirty, dirty dishes, dirty kitchen counter, dirty microwave, used bathroom left it messy, etc.
Before I moved in with my boyfriend, we discussed about my cleaning OCD and house proud qualities. I like things being clean, tidy and organised, I just can't help it - it's in my DNA.
Given, that he was fully aware of my OCD we have worked together in different ways since 2015 to get his children (the 2 adults who live here from the begining and 3 younger ones who recently moved in with us July 2016 due to changes to parental custody) to be more clean and tidy around the house. Few months after the younger ones (dsd 17yrs, dss 14 yrs & dss12 yrs) moved in I found out I was pregnant and am now 20 weeks along. I managed to get dss 1 and dss 2 into a routine of doing house chores after school for 1hr, home work for 2hrs and then they can go on the PS4. There dad supported this fully. However, I noticed it was not fully supported by the two adult sc ( 22 sd & 20 ss). If they are around they'll leave the house messy and not instruct the dss1 & dss 2 to do the chores they are assigned. Instead they'll let dss 1 and dss 2 entertain themselves on the PS4/PlayStation until their bed time. Due to this they have never been able to maintain any sort of structured routine after school. I know the sc resent me for trying to create some sort of productive structure but I saw it as something that will benefit them for the future and plan to do the same for me own child. The adult dss is very lazy and hardly helps around the house. I suppose the younger dss 1 and dss 2, want to follow in his footsteps.

Things eventually reached the point where I am tired of appearing as the nagging/strict stepmom so eventually backed off completely. When I get home after a tiring day at work, I am greeted by a dirty kitchen, dirty bathroom (sometimes toilet not flushed and I see nasty surprise floating or urine on toilet seat) and messy living room, I flip to the extent I don't want to live there anymore. I am tired of coming across as a nagging stepmom and for sometime have withdrawn from that role. I told OH that I don't want any involvement in any aspect of SC lives and that they are entirely his responsibility (cooking, cleaning, discipline, etc...).

If I don't clean the fridge and cupboards no one does it so they've been dirty for some time. SC will spill coke, and other stuff in the fridge but never think to clean it up. I will buy grocery on Monday and by Wednesday when I have cravings a whole tube of cheese has disappeared and no one knows what happened to it. Because of this, I used to worry about the state of the fridge and germs getting into my food. Also, food going missing when I have cravings late at night.

Last weekend, I thought enough was enough, so off I went cleaning and cleared out some cupboards and another fridge in the kitchen for storing my own grocery separate from everyone else's. OH has told sc not to use my fridge or cupboard. OH is responsible for the cooking of his dc and I cook only for myself using kitchen stuff I bought recently for my personal use. When I cook in the kitchen, I navigate around all the mess they leave but clean everything that I use and store it away nicely. I might clean some of there mess up but not everything. So in the end the kitchen is left the same as they left it.

This is not the kind of person that I want to be but sadly, I think I have tried a lot of things with the support of their father to get sc to maintain a tidy house and raise their standards but to no avail.

Everyday, the house is in a messy state and in the past when I used to clean frequently tidying up the mess, within hours it gets messy again. SC do not immediately tidy up after themselves, instead leave the mess until 24hrs or 48hrs later or until there dad eventually clean it up.

SC are not happy about the pregnancy. The relationship between me and SC have deteriorated badly. I feel I have no other option but to live a separate life amongst them otherwise I will be constantly nagging and worrying if things I am using to put my food on has germs. I think SC do not like that I have my own set of things in the kitchen they are not allowed to use. This has only been going on since Sunday. On Monday after I finished making food and tidy everything away, then started tucking into my meal. To my delight one of the SC put dirt mixed with wood chippings in my mashed veg and couscous. I did wonder why the mashed veg had so many little hard rocky bits in it but took those out and carried on eating. Then when I went back for more couscous, I took a spoon from the bottom and it was then I saw what looked like dirt (it had different colour and texture). I almost had a massive panic attack! Half-way into eating, I had to throw the entire lot away. They know that I am 20 weeks pregnant, so need to eat but I guess also deserve to be punished for wanting a tidy house.

I don't know if it was the adult SC or younger ones who did it, so have not said anything about it to them. I did let there dad know what happened and that I am not happy about it. Today after cooking I locked my food away in my room which I have a key for so it will be safe. I can't deal with having dirt in my food again.

Although I love my OH and want us to be together, I am not comfortable living with his DC and they have told him explicitly they do not want me in the house living with them as I am an outsider. I am considering to move out the house at some point after the baby has been born and into my own house that I want OH to help me to buy, whilst maintaining my relationship with OH. Has anyone done this before and it worked? Am I being unreasonable?
Is moving out the only option?

Also, my OH is okay with disciplining his kids but I find that it wears off and he is not consistent. when he is not around they behave slightly worse and are more confrontational towards me, telling me outright that I should live their house and not come back. In front of OH they are better behaved. OH also doesn't want to come across as strict all the time and can be soft because he has some guilt that his children had to go through the divorce and brought up in a split home.

I love OH but am not happy living in the house with his kids. Confused???

No, the children cleaning schedule is OTT, I'm afraid. Also, while I understand the state of the house causes you anxiety, the older SC live there too - it's their home. As adults they are bound to resist an enforced cleaning regime.
I am a bit shocked you enforced one in a flat-share, actually. I can understand you feeling the need for it, but it wouldn't have washed in any if the shared houses I lived in.
OP, this isn't good for any of you. Speak to your GP or midwife about some help for this.

Oh, sorry cross posted.
I'd see moving out as a last resort. Could you ever contemplate lowering your standards, or would that be too hard?

Sounds to me like the whole family needs to have a sit down and a good talk.

From their perspective, their dad has met and moved in a woman he has known for quite a short while, and that woman has come into the family home and started trying to change the way they are and how they live their lives (even if it was slightly messed up to begin with)

From your perspective, you've fallen in love, moved in with the one you want to be with and his family and you want to make a difference and to improve their lives and live happily ever after

I don't think a two storey 5 bed house is so big that you might not see the older ones for days, if you are a family, you want to see each other and greet each other, whether it's a quick chat over breakfast or sitting down together at the end of the day

Please don't take this the wrong way but have you thought of family therapy? The elder two could be depressed if they can't be comfortable in their own home and don't really speak to you, and the dad sounds like he doesn't want to rock the boat in either direction, which won't help either

Please consider therapy before your baby arrives so that he/she can grow up in a loving home where they are adored by everyone and are not a source of resentment for the other kids

Good luck op

ChaChaChaCh4nges
As I clarified above, they do not spend the full 1hr cleaning. If they finish in 15mins then that is all they do and can then go study or play PS4. However these days they do whatever they want after coming home from school. It's up to them how they decide to spend there time.

Having my own fridge and utensils will remain the same as that eases my mind. I also have my own sanctuary room in the house, which only I am allowed into relax and mediate - this will remain the same. We are all unique, and as I am finding out, need to respect these differences in other.

MockTurtleSoup
When I moved in there was only 2 adult SC living there initially which wasn't too bad. A year later due to changes parental custody, 3 sc moved in so into 5 and not 6. Everyone has problems, and I could have dealt with the situation better.

Hesterton
I agree with you and will discuss about buying another house but not too far from where we currently live. A 2 unit solution might be the way forward with our blended family.

Needsahalo
As I said above, I don't think I have full blown OCD as I have and can function in a messy house. I am house proud and I just like things to be neat and tidy. Does it take so much effort to wash one plate and cup or clean milk you spilled in the fridge.

Sounds like you've lost perspective and it's good that you seem to be realizing this.

You need to rethink the hour of housework for each child plus two of homework. It may be that you re-enacting some parts of your childhood, but I do question why you want to channel your unpleasant step father in this?! These children need to feel at home in their own home, and not as just a nuisance or negative influence on your desires.

Your first post seems to show how much you believe everyone and everything must revolve around your undiagnosed, unchecked and untreated OCD. And an assumption that your way is without doubt practically and morally superior to the way others live/ behave. And that due to this superiority, all adults involved must adopt your way or be seen as failing or behaving badly.

I wonder why you think this is the case and how you think the other people involved see your 'standards' ... which have become rather 'my way or the high way' in tone?

I would point out that these attitudes are leading to tension and combat, rather than everyone seeing how much better the new rules are. Family life doesn't sound very nice, even for you, the instigator of all these requirement.

Any child looks like a big hulking giant compared to a new born, so you need to keep a watch on how you are perceiving the step children and their place in the family.

It sounds like it will be a significant pressure point, where you're cleanliness concerns could become a big problem with the older kids being seen as sources of dirt and contamination, and as a threat to your young and visibly vulnerable new family. Ideally you'd be prepared and have strategies in place to keep your OCD in check - you don't project your own issues onto the step children. Obviously, that would not be at all fair.

Out of interest, how much does your partner have to clean for every day?

Surely he should be doing the most as a fully grown adult who accepted your approach to cleaning and living?

Hi Op

I would stop using the term OCD till you get a medical diagnosis, being house proud and OCD are two very different things.

I would certainly see your doctor however, as it could be a number of different things, I do agree that if it is possible, maybe moving out.

Hi OP, if it's possible, I think you would be much happier living in your own place with your baby. I expect you will find the SCs messiness even harder to deal with when you have a newborn. You will all get on better if you are not having to share a kitchen and bathroom. Good luck.

Disneyhasbrainwashedmyfamily

I like the way how you summarised it nicely from their perspective and also mines. It took me a while to see things outside the box and as I have never been in this situation before, am learning a lot about how to deal with these types of family issues. Mind you this is my first pregnancy and I am only 28 yrs old with limited life experience on how to deal with issues of this nature and am glad that I came on here for advice.

Family therapy is a good suggestion that I will discuss with OH and I will also put more effort into mending the relationship I have with my SC. I really don't want them to be resentful towards towards the baby I am going to have or continue to dislike me. I posted the house has 5+ bedrooms but it's actually 7 bedrooms with 3 ensuite, 2 big family bathrooms, and other rooms that serve different functions so it's a fairly big house. The size anyway is no valid reason why we should not greet each other with a hello. Not long after I moved into the house I noticed they were always very quiet and didn't communicate much despite me making effort to do stuff downstairs so I could bump into them and initiation conversations. It always felt like I was forcing the conversations and after a while I just gave up. They mainly kept themselves to themselves and are genuinely naturally quiet people. I have observed like this with one another at times, eventually realised that it wasn't me but just their personality. They are not much of conversationalist or expressive people so really hard to tell what they really think about stuff at times.

My OH doesn't want to rock the both on either side. I don't blame him, it's his children and they matter dearly just as much as the little bean I have. OH needs happiness as much as all of us deserve to live in a happy home.

TheCakes
I will consider dropping my standards even lower, and think I have been doing some of that anyway. I know it's difficult at times, more so as I don't feel like the woman of the house and I don't blame his kids for that as I moved into their home.

As Sobeyond says, OCD is a debilitating mental illness. It isn't the same as being 'house proud'. Unless you have an actual diagnosis it is simply inappropriate to claim you have it.

You moved in very quickly with your partner. 7 months isn't a very long period to consider living together - especially if there were already 2 children living in the house. It also doesn't sound like discussions were had with the children before you moved in. That you're living in the house with your own 'special room' but not living as a family is quite problematic. At least one of the children is clearly feeling ignored and unwanted if they are resorting to putting dirt in your food. That's not normal behaviour and it doesn't bode well for the future.

I also wonder what impact your special room has in a house with only 5 bedrooms and 2 adults & 5 children. Where will the baby be sleeping next year?

You're 28 and his kids are 22 and 20?

And you moved in after a few months, got pregnant and now are dictating cleaning schedules? To adults SIX YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU?

If he wants his kids to ever speak to him once they've left home, you need to back off right now.

Jaysus

You have completely unrealistic and unfair expectations.
You cannot move in and impose your standards because that is how you want things. If you do genuinely think you have OCD then go to a Dr and get it diagnosed and treated. If you are just particularly house-proud and like things to be just so, stop using the term OCD.
Getting kids to help with chores is a good thing, but up to an hour a day is utter madness.
This is all going to end very badly. You need to be living on your own where you can control your own environment and you are not controlling other people.

StewieGMum
Look at my earlier post, it's actually a 7 bedroom with 3 ensuite and a number of other rooms that serve different purposes. I need my special room to relax and unwind, my OH also has his special room where he reads and indulge in his hobbies, all SC have a room as there personal space which I do not enter. I have friends who's husbands turn there garden shed into a converted private den for their personal pleasure. This is not a new phenomenon, many people have special rooms in there home.

You rightfully said much discussions were jut held before hand and this is something we now need to work on fixing as part of the way forward.

As a new (step) parent you haven't understood what is reasonable for the children after school. That's not your fault and your OH should have sorted this out before now. He has let this happen and basically set you up (allbeit perhaps unmeaningfully) for a huge fall.

So, the expectations that you have are unreasonable.

BUT what they did to your food is NOT ok. Your OH should have been livid with them. That was mean of them.

I think that this can be fixed and that you can all move on but that you need a family chat/conference. Perhaps facilitated by a third party? You need to have made clear to you what is normal, and the children need to know that you have a medical condition. Part of having that condition is a responsibility to manage it so that it does not have a negative impact on the SC and on your future baby.

I am concerned that your OCD will impact on your ability to parent and enjoy your baby; they are very messy and grubby and that is NORMAL. You are going to need to get a handle on this before you have a muddy toddler. Muddy and the way that they are allowed to get muddy is good for their development. Even if you move out, you need to address this otherwise you are likely to create a very anxious child, which I am sure is not what you want.

Your OH needs to understand and do more to help mediate between you all. No change will mean misery for all.

Find a family counsellor.

Hang on, you are 28yrs old and a 'step mother' to:

• dsd 17yrs,
• dss 14 yrs
• dss12 yrs
• 22 sd (the adult 'step children')
• 20 ss (the adult 'step children')

I don't see how the children would be particularly open to a woman close to them in age moving in and attempting to impose a whole new set of rules and ways of living.

You're only a few years older and by age would not be put of place as the eldest daughter in this family.

Can you maybe see why all your partners children might struggle with an approach where their 'step mother' attempts huge changes and expects everyone and everything to revolve around her own specific issues around cleanliness?

Do you think your closeness in age might mean the family dynamic you want might never happen? Until your last post I would have thought your age to be closer to the fathers and the mothers for sure, because of the traditional power and control dynamics at play.

I'm not at all surprised that the older step children don't defer to your rules and impose them on the younger kids when you're not around.

I am very surprised that you believe they should be following the rules you set for them all simply because you are the 'mother' and them the 'children'.

You seem in two minds about whether you have an issue with OCD or not, as you sometimes refer to your behaviour as 'just' having high standards and being productive, therefore as a positive uattribute not a mental illness. However you also have completely separate fridge and kitchen cupboards, and seem to really struggle about germs, cleanliness, tidiness etc, which you must know isn't really within normal range.

This tension between 'I have OCD so everyone must do as I want' and 'I'm just better than you therefore everyone must do as I want' is not going to help you get along with your partners existing family. I don't think you mean it this way but it feels rather like they cannot win, and your needs always trump theirs whatever the reason this time. Add in your closeness in age, and there's all the ingredients for upset and hurt, and a massive power battle.

Your partners children seem to know exactly how to press your buttons, and are clearly extremely unhappy with the situation. The food contamination is obviously not acceptable and I think their father needs to make it clear that should never happen again. But I do think you have to recognize that making your potential OCD other people's problem is not the best way to integrate into a difficult family structure.

OCD is an illness with symptoms that are very hard for everyone to live with.

These people don't have bonds of friendship or family with you which might give them a tolerance and willingness to be caring through the tough episodes. And without any coping strategies or treatment in place, it must be very hard to bear.

EXACTLY what Apple said. If my dad had had a new gf who was 6 years older than me, I'd have acted exactly the same as ur sc, with the exception of the food incident

Unless you have an actual diagnosis, you can't just go around saying you have OCD.
I don't think you should be calling someone 6 years younger than you your stepchild.
I also think the notion of you having a "special" room in their family home is not going to endear you to any of your dps family, and I'm very surprised that such a massive house, with ensuite bedrooms and separate living spaces for so many people, a couple of fridges in the kitchen etc, doesn't appear to have a dishwasher.

But regardless of whether you are a step parent or actual parent, having a special room and imposing housework on young dcs is not typical.My own 11 yr olds come in from school to relax and do bit hwk.

Also babies and toddlers bring lots of mess. I think you need to be equpped for that by seeking some help.

Please do this for all your sakes.

So you are one of four adults in the house, and you are the last in. You are not responsible for how the house runs.
The DSCs are over 12, so don't need supervision from you.

Do you have family mealtimes, who cooks for the school age children? I can't quite grasp the dynamic of the household. Why did custody change, was their move in with their DF traumatic? They could be grieving the loss of their old life.

I think you have misunderstood your position in the house and need a rethink. Head of the household type stuff comes from sacrifice, responsibility. It's earned, not a result of being in a relationship with the house owner.

If you have genuine OCD, then you need medical help.
If you simply have unreasonable standards of tidiness and cleanliness, then to be honest that is entirely your problem. It's not acceptable for you to move into the family's home and dictate to them all about tidiness and cleanliness. You can either cope with normal levels of untidiness and non-spotlessness or you can't. It sounds as though you have a completely unrealistic idea of how much housework is actually necessary. This may not be your fault (due to upbringing), but it certainly isn't the responsibility of your step-family to accommodate it.

ApplePaltrow21
Whoever you are please kindly return where you crawled from as I don't need your judgemental attitude on here. The fact I'm 28 and the age of his kids are irrelevant to the issue at hand.
Age is just a number and nothing more. I might be 28 but sure am responsible than many people who are older than me. I'm not a late bird to leave the nest, done that at 17 to go university and never looked back. By 26 had 1 degree, 2 masters, my own little business, a professional career, nice car and was on my way to buying my own house. All without no support from my parents. So don't you try to make me feel any less of a responsible human being because I'm only 28 and his kids are 22/20. At no point have I ever tried to dictate to them how they should live their lives. For your information good things have come out of this despite my age. I supported his kids to go university. From helping with tips for writing their personal statements, preparing for interviews to submitting there application via ucas before the deadline. Even when I was aboard on holiday, I still contacted my OH to make sure he chased them up to get it done on time. They took me and their dad out for a meal to say thank you, after they secured places at uni. Prior to this I had spent weeks reminding their father to have a chat with them about what they wanted out of life and future career. Many times I joined in this discussion which I initiated through their dad. Why did I even bother to do that? ...because I had high expectations of them. Following their parents divorce both dropped out of college and wriggled their way onto a NVQ course whilst in a dead end job that wasn't going any where. They have so much potential, I couldn't watch it fade away.

I also supported the now 17yr old when she was 16 to decide what courses she wanted to do at college and work towards getting through her GCSE exams. After she told us she was in top set for all classes, I set aside a study day to revise with her and realised that she did not know the basic stuff for high tier in some subjects. I was adamant her dad get in touch with the school directly, then he found out she had been lying for months about what set she was in and how well she was actually doing at school. The reality, she was at risk of failing some key GCSE's. I helped her dad develop a weekly revision timetable for her and monitored to make sure she was following it. Thankfully, with this in place she was able to scrap through just enough to college.

As a step-mum I did bring something positive and different to the table. Their father is a great provider at the expense of working gruelling hours so don't always have enough time to check in on everything they are up to. This is where I will step in and keep him posted on what is going on with everyone. Their bio mum do not work and is a brilliant mum when it comes to looking after her kids. She does all the house stuff for them and let the kids get on with relaxing and enjoying life. I want SC to achieve their full potential, explore this with them through discussions and create fun learning opportunities for them at home (making bath bombs, coloured crystals, etc) and I try to turn day trips into a nice experience for them. That was once upon a time, as I said in earlier post, I am now hands-off and OH has full responsibility.

Athrawes and MyWineTime
Just to clarify, I do not have OCD, but I am house proud so like to live in a clean and tidy house. Any previous worries I mentioned about germs were related to concerns I had about things being kept dirty. I do not and will never stay up at night worrying about a dirty kitchen. I do not get anxious about the state of the house. I would some time get annoyed and flip but will never do that anymore. I walk barefoot on sand, and have no problem cuddling muddy toddlers.

Is it so unrealistic for 4 adults + 2 kids (14+ 12) to keep a fairly clean kitchen and bathroom. I am not asking for it to be spotless but at least tidy up after yourself. When no one does it, the mess piles up.

MiscellaneousAssortment
Some would say a normal upbringing is being brought up by a mum and dad, not in a split family with a single mum or gay couple. What is normal to you may not be normal to someone else but doesn't mean the other person is wrong. People should live the life that makes them happy, whatever that looks like.

I have my personal fridge and cupboard because I like my stuff to be cleaned and stored a certain way. It is not fair for me to impose my cleaning standard on the SC and therefore best for me to have my own fridge and cupboard space.

Get a cleaner? The work and laundry attached to this house is a massive task for anyone!!

How about a dishwasher?

Whoever you are please kindly return where you crawled from as I don't need your judgemental attitude on here. The fact I'm 28 and the age of his kids are irrelevant to the issue at hand.

It's not about whether you feel responsible or not. Whether or not you like it, when there's a small age gal between stepchildren and stepmother that's often very hard for them to accept. Your age is relevant for that reason.

If you don't have OCD, stop saying you do. Can you imagine anyone going around saying they had cancer or heart disease when they didn't? Why is it acceptable to say you've got OCD when you don't?