At a dead end with me, my stepchildr and my OCD

[OCD6stepmom888]

Dear all, after browsing this site I've finally decided to join as I now need a different perspective on my situation.

A bit of background to give some sort of a picture. I was friends with my OH for 4 months before we decided to make it official. We have been in a serious relationship since winter 2014 and 3 months after making it official I moved into his house where he lived with his 2 adult dc, DS and DD. They are very quiet and days can go by without us physically seeing each other in the house because of the size, (5+ bedrooms) and 2 storey. I know whenever they've been in or still in the house because they leave traces behind, i.e. used stove then left it dirty, dirty dishes, dirty kitchen counter, dirty microwave, used bathroom left it messy, etc.
Before I moved in with my boyfriend, we discussed about my cleaning OCD and house proud qualities. I like things being clean, tidy and organised, I just can't help it - it's in my DNA.
Given, that he was fully aware of my OCD we have worked together in different ways since 2015 to get his children (the 2 adults who live here from the begining and 3 younger ones who recently moved in with us July 2016 due to changes to parental custody) to be more clean and tidy around the house. Few months after the younger ones (dsd 17yrs, dss 14 yrs & dss12 yrs) moved in I found out I was pregnant and am now 20 weeks along. I managed to get dss 1 and dss 2 into a routine of doing house chores after school for 1hr, home work for 2hrs and then they can go on the PS4. There dad supported this fully. However, I noticed it was not fully supported by the two adult sc ( 22 sd & 20 ss). If they are around they'll leave the house messy and not instruct the dss1 & dss 2 to do the chores they are assigned. Instead they'll let dss 1 and dss 2 entertain themselves on the PS4/PlayStation until their bed time. Due to this they have never been able to maintain any sort of structured routine after school. I know the sc resent me for trying to create some sort of productive structure but I saw it as something that will benefit them for the future and plan to do the same for me own child. The adult dss is very lazy and hardly helps around the house. I suppose the younger dss 1 and dss 2, want to follow in his footsteps.

Things eventually reached the point where I am tired of appearing as the nagging/strict stepmom so eventually backed off completely. When I get home after a tiring day at work, I am greeted by a dirty kitchen, dirty bathroom (sometimes toilet not flushed and I see nasty surprise floating or urine on toilet seat) and messy living room, I flip to the extent I don't want to live there anymore. I am tired of coming across as a nagging stepmom and for sometime have withdrawn from that role. I told OH that I don't want any involvement in any aspect of SC lives and that they are entirely his responsibility (cooking, cleaning, discipline, etc...).

If I don't clean the fridge and cupboards no one does it so they've been dirty for some time. SC will spill coke, and other stuff in the fridge but never think to clean it up. I will buy grocery on Monday and by Wednesday when I have cravings a whole tube of cheese has disappeared and no one knows what happened to it. Because of this, I used to worry about the state of the fridge and germs getting into my food. Also, food going missing when I have cravings late at night.

Last weekend, I thought enough was enough, so off I went cleaning and cleared out some cupboards and another fridge in the kitchen for storing my own grocery separate from everyone else's. OH has told sc not to use my fridge or cupboard. OH is responsible for the cooking of his dc and I cook only for myself using kitchen stuff I bought recently for my personal use. When I cook in the kitchen, I navigate around all the mess they leave but clean everything that I use and store it away nicely. I might clean some of there mess up but not everything. So in the end the kitchen is left the same as they left it.

This is not the kind of person that I want to be but sadly, I think I have tried a lot of things with the support of their father to get sc to maintain a tidy house and raise their standards but to no avail.

Everyday, the house is in a messy state and in the past when I used to clean frequently tidying up the mess, within hours it gets messy again. SC do not immediately tidy up after themselves, instead leave the mess until 24hrs or 48hrs later or until there dad eventually clean it up.

SC are not happy about the pregnancy. The relationship between me and SC have deteriorated badly. I feel I have no other option but to live a separate life amongst them otherwise I will be constantly nagging and worrying if things I am using to put my food on has germs. I think SC do not like that I have my own set of things in the kitchen they are not allowed to use. This has only been going on since Sunday. On Monday after I finished making food and tidy everything away, then started tucking into my meal. To my delight one of the SC put dirt mixed with wood chippings in my mashed veg and couscous. I did wonder why the mashed veg had so many little hard rocky bits in it but took those out and carried on eating. Then when I went back for more couscous, I took a spoon from the bottom and it was then I saw what looked like dirt (it had different colour and texture). I almost had a massive panic attack! Half-way into eating, I had to throw the entire lot away. They know that I am 20 weeks pregnant, so need to eat but I guess also deserve to be punished for wanting a tidy house.

I don't know if it was the adult SC or younger ones who did it, so have not said anything about it to them. I did let there dad know what happened and that I am not happy about it. Today after cooking I locked my food away in my room which I have a key for so it will be safe. I can't deal with having dirt in my food again.

Although I love my OH and want us to be together, I am not comfortable living with his DC and they have told him explicitly they do not want me in the house living with them as I am an outsider. I am considering to move out the house at some point after the baby has been born and into my own house that I want OH to help me to buy, whilst maintaining my relationship with OH. Has anyone done this before and it worked? Am I being unreasonable?
Is moving out the only option?

Also, my OH is okay with disciplining his kids but I find that it wears off and he is not consistent. when he is not around they behave slightly worse and are more confrontational towards me, telling me outright that I should live their house and not come back. In front of OH they are better behaved. OH also doesn't want to come across as strict all the time and can be soft because he has some guilt that his children had to go through the divorce and brought up in a split home.

I love OH but am not happy living in the house with his kids. Confused???

I think Pickle has hit the nail on the head. OP your own age is really showing here, in that you've assumed, wrongly, that in marrying their dad you are now in charge of the house, which includes giving our rules, schedules etc to everyone.

You are not in charge of the house. Your DH and the the step adult kids are. The younger children will defer to their older adult siblings naturally. Did you take time to find out how they already run things in the house? Who does what? How does homework etc get done? It seems you've just rushed ahead assuming everyone will do as you say and your DH will back you up in that. It's not even your house! How on earth did you think this would work?
All that aside, I can't for the life of me see how moving in with two adult stepchildren was ever going to work even if the other 3 hadn't moved in as well. You will never have the upper hand in this situation, they will always resent you and frustrate your life. What a stupid decision.

Many posters only read my OP with out even looking at the updates I have posted answering people's questions as the thread grows.
As a result I am getting some irrelevant new posts.

I am not sure how to navigate this site. Can someone, advise how I can change the title. As I am not OCD, I want to remove this from the title. People are not reading my updates to figure this out.

As I am not OCD, I want to remove this from the title. People are not reading my updates to figure this out.

You need to report the thread to MNHQ and ask for it to be changed.

What do you mean people aren't figuring out that you "aren't OCD"? You said yourself that you were. It's there in your username.

You haven't addressed why you thought it was acceptable to say you had it when it now turns out that you don't.

I'm actually agape at your last post!

You paint a picture that you are some Mary Poppins character bringing sweetness and light and guidance into the lives of these children, and yet from your previous posts they obviously resent you quite deeply. Can't you see that there is something very wrong with this family dynamic?

You don't sound mature at all. You sound like a child playing families with real people and not dolls.

JurysOutt
There dad and I are not married as yet.

OP after reading your latest posts, you are just reinforcing my initial thoughts about your naivety. The difference in age Posters are pointing out has nothing to do with your achievements, bugger all, zilch! It's about the power struggle between a step mother and an adult step child who is only 6 yrs younger. She's probably got boyfriends older than you!

They do not see you as a mother figure, any of them because you are too close to them in age.

As a result I am getting some irrelevant new posts.

Which posts are those then? All the recent ones I can see have quoted or referred to things later in the thread.

The fact I'm 28 and the age of his kids are irrelevant to the issue at hand.

It is actually very relevant.

OCD is in your username, now you suddenly decide you aren't.

There dad and I are not married as yet.

It gets even better! So you're a nobody to them really? You're dad's girlfriend. This threads a joke.

There dad and I are not married as yet.

So you aren't their SM then, you are DF partner.

Well op you've won the award for the most obvious display of backtracking I've seen in a long time. From your posts...

Before I moved in with my boyfriend, we discussed about my cleaning OCD and house proud qualities.

Given, that he was fully aware of my OCD...

I've never seeked out any medical support, as I never thought my OCD was that extreme.

As I said above, I don't think I have full blown OCD as I have and can function in a messy house.

Just to clarify, I do not have OCD, but I am house proud so like to live in a clean and tidy house.

As I am not OCD, I want to remove this from the title. People are not reading my updates to figure this out.

Then you have a bigger problem, if someone said to me I have OCD issues and I put in things to make sure I did my bit to help, then I would be very pissed off to find out that they were just house proud.

You need to stop using the term OCD, its a serious mental health issue, not something you can use to say you like things tidy.

Or at worse something you use to get children to tidy.

Gosh OP, I've read through the whole thread, and you really should move out. Its not your home to impose rules on, its their home. You sound awfully childish, naive and you seem to be completely deluded about the damage you are doing to this family.

As its such a big house, can you convert one part of it into a self contained flat for you?

The sun, not you, is the centre of the universe. You can claim the moral high ground as much as you like, and assert that you have been the saviour of the various young peoples' academic careers but when it comes down to it you are the very young gf of a man with 5 fairly grown up children who have a competent and caring mother. You have made this entirely about you and, imo, ought to back off the mother role and concentrate on your own child and relationship with what sounds like a very distant and uninvolved father to that child.
Ps: unless you have a diagnosis, stop using OCD to excuse your pita 'standards'.
Pps: if you hae a degree, masters, successful career etc, try learning the difference between there and their. I know it is petty and I DON'T CARE

The sun, not you, is the centre of the universe

Technically the sun is the centre of our solar system, not the universe.

Your list of how you have helped them is chilling - it's all about expectation and achievement. There is no emotional support or empathy apparent in your list of tasks that you have "helped" them with.

If you can't see the difference then I'm afraid I agree that you should move out.

And I agree - I hope you used the right "there" or "their" in their university applications.

Holy shit op, this honestly does get worse.

Who looks after the youngest two? I mean looks after, not harrangues about house work and and homework, takes CARE of?

I've only read the first half of the thread. If you have had a change of heart about your expectations I think the best solution would be to communicate this to everyone and stay put. Moving away will just dwindle money.

I do think that the step children were there first. You are kind of like a cuckoo going in and getting everyone to change their habits. They won't change overnight willingly! And then displacing them with a new family. Or at least, it might appear that way to them, rightly or wrongly.

Anyway I hope it works out for you.

Your achievements do not matter in this situation. You have an attitude of "this is what I'VE achieved, the children of DP (they are NOT your sc) must achieve it too. No. They have a very different outlook on life to you. You've already said that their mother is a very good mum, so why not leave her to do her job, and find another role to slip into? Like a partner to your DP

This thread is quite concerning. The op doesnt have ocd but seems to use that labrl to enforce her will on five other people. The use of ocd seems to be a label to jusify her no being able to think of things from others points of view.

My kids do quite a bit of age appropriate chores. More than most of their friends, however no way would i expect an hours worth of housework every night from each of them. If the kids are doing that much housework a day, what are you and their father doing?

I actually judge your dp more than you. There is no way a new boyfriend would be moving into my home and making my kids do what you are expecting. Absolutely no way. Why is he allowing this?

Despite knowing there was going to be issues with you being so houseproud and miving in with his family, you just jumped in quickly because you wanted to be closer.

I would be bewildered if my dad moved a much younger woman who claimed to have ocd, demanded her own food and fridge, expected my younger siblings to be do so much housework... then decided to have another baby when mess is causing so many issues.

I have to be honest op....your baby/toddler/ adolescent will cause loads of mess. Your options are to start compromising and navigating this now or pass you issues onto your child so they are as tidy as you.

Are you going to expect the same things from your own child that you do from your partners kids? Can you see how thats going to cause problems for your own child?

OP they are essentially your peers not your step children. You should have entered the house learning their ways and slowly comromising some of your own but from reading the entire post it sounds like you stormed in dictating to people of similar age to you how things were to be. Do you not see how patronising you've been particularly to the older "kids" - I would hate someone a few years older than me trying to organise my life. There's a huge difference between offering help and nagging them and their actual father into taking action (the uni stuff, the cleaning stuff). Let's look at it from the point of view of the step children, what must they be thinking and feeling if they're even going to the lengths of putting dirt in your food? Here's someone of ages with their pub mates and she's making demands of adults and nearly adults as if they're little children. I'd have told you where to go in no uncertain terms too.

I don't think the situation is unsalvageable but I do think you're going to have to ease up and communicate with them as a peer and not an authority.

Get a dishwasher hire a cleaner. Your partner must have a large income if you expect him to help you buy your own place.

You have no idea how to take care of children and i see you've yet to answer previous questions about who takes care of the younger SC.

Op you have taken a bit of a drubbing on this thread but I think you understand where most of the more up-front posters are coming from.
Before you came, your DP lived with his two adult children in a house-share arrangement of sorts: it wasn't particularly tidy but not a rats nest: pots were left for a day or two sometimes, bathrooms got a bit grubby, but mostly they rubbed along ok.
When you came, you saw yourself as stepmum: but the real dynamic of the house is that one of the three adults living there brought their partner to live with them. There is a difference, especially in their eyes. You don't feel that your age is a significant factor, but to them it will be. When you were in your early twenties, how would you have felt if someone 5 or so years older than you had moved into your house share and started telling you what to do as if they were your parent?
Then the teens came and everything changed again. We don't have the back story but generally when children move from one parents home to another there is bound to be some confusion and resentment.

Blended families are tough. Respect (from all sides) is key.
I think that the pp suggestion of family counselling/therapy is good. You can start to build bridges yourself though. Ask your DP to call a family meeting (discuss it all with him first). Apologise to them, accepting that you cannot control how they live and it is not your place to. Then lay out what you are prepared to do for the family and ask what they are prepared to do: treat it like a shared house, expect less from the school age teens (DP and you may need to pick up the slack there) but adults should all be doing an essentially similar share. As you do have anxiety issues around cleanliness, have a bathroom for you and DP which you will keep pristine. Agree to do the one used by the school DCs once a week; show them how to keep it clean the rest of the time but leave them to it. Get everyone to agree what is reasonable for the kitchen: for example it isn't reasonable for someone to let their dinner get cold while they clean pans after they have used them, but it isn't fair for the kitchen to be in a state first thing in the morning. Ask what people think is reasonable and all agree to go with this. Prepare for lots of teenage eye-rolling.
Putting dirt in your food is horrible: t=it is completely unacceptable but is a very clear indicator that they have an issue with you: you can fix this. Good luck.

It's not on expecting them to conform to your ideals. They obviously resent you. You need to move out