New step mother

[gettingthere]

Deep breath! My children are about to acquire a new step mother. I do appreciate that what I am about to say is not necessarily rational ....but...

I do not feel comfortable with someone else caring for my children (every other weekend in our case)

I do not trust her for various reasons. She and I have never met, but she has done some things which were not sensible if she and I were ever to be able to get on reasonably.

My exh and I are going to mediation re access issues on Friday. I would welcome advice from other mums, particularly those who are stepmothers on how to manage this relationship so that it works for the children. There are a lot of potential problems in it because of circumstances (similar to many other experiences I suspect).

Please, particularly those of you who are stepmothers yourselves - would welcome your thoughts etc.

bump - help!!

Hi Gettingthere.

My dh has two children frm previous marraige ages 6 and 9. We have recently had dd- 4 months. Since having dd I feel I can see things from both sides now.

Before I had dd I didnt even think how his ex must feel about me being with her children. Now though, although we've never had any probs with her, I can imagine what must have gone through her mind and what is going through yours right now.

The thought of another woman looking after your children probably makes you feel sick. You will have all sorts of irrational thoughts - will she be nice to them - will they like her - will they love her - will they love her more than you?? You dont want someone else to be like a mum to them - they have a mother - you!

But realistically (and rationally) - if shes going to be a permanent fixture in their lives then you do really want her to be like a mother to them. Bacause you want her to treat them like her own - cos then yu know she will treat them the best she can!

I always look after dh children to the best of my ability - I always think if the shoe was on the other foot I would want someone to do the same for dd.

Try not to worry - you are there mum and will always be number one to them!

Not sure what she has done to make you distrust her - is it something you could get past and start again? I always make a real effort to chat to dh's ex - after all I'm looking after her kids - so she should know me as well. Maybe you arrange to meet her properly and begin some kind of relationship?

My only advise to make it work for the children is this - no matter what you feel about it or about her - never let them see it. Protect them at all times.

good luck xx

Sorry it took me ages to write it - does this help??

I am a stepmother, and my stepdaughter's mother is extremely hostile and refuses to talk to me or even look at me if we happen to be in the same vicinity. Bear in mind I had nothing to do with their relationship breakdown - I came along years later and she left him for another (richer) man and now lives in millionaire splendour. Figure it out! If your ex was having an affair with this woman I can totally understand your bitterness. I'd feel the same. But it does distress me sometimes that relationships are so difficult. I can only think she is just very jealous that I have anything to do with her daughter. Despite this though - six years on from when I met dh - my stepdaughter and I do have a very good, loving relationship and that is definitely for her benefit. It would be better if her mother and I had a civil relationship, even if we could never be friendly. But if you can't bear to be friendly, I would try to be civil (for the sake of your children, not for her sake of course) but even if you can't be, it won't necessarily damage the kids. My stepdaughter has survived the hostility well, even though I regret it. I have no idea if this helps!

cuppy - thankyou so much for your post. You have so much of it right - yes i do want her to care for them as much as I would but I don't want her to try to replace me!!

the trouble is that she has caused a lot of trouble between me and exh (money primarily) when we were managing things well, and in particular, on my daughter's 4th birthday, my exh asked her to take the children out for a while when
a) she had never met them before and
b) he and I had agreed that when it was appropriate for them to meet someone new we would discuss it in advance.

the fact that i found out about it from the children on her birthday after the event was the icing on the cake.

i don't say anything negative at all to the children about her - that wouldn't be fair on them (or her either), but i don't know what to do to make this work better for the children. If I were able to, perhaps I should invite her round and get to know her, but I simply can't do that at the moment as it would end in tears!!

GT - from what you say sbout her taking the children out you - shouldnt you be pissed off at your ex -p not her? HE asked HER to take them out - she just did as he asked. Maybe she thought if she didnt he would think she didnt llike them.

Please dont think I am taking sides - I'm just trying to help you see things in all lights.

If you dont feel able to see her at the moment the dont - it really wont help you.To make it work for the children I think you have to make it seem normal and fun. They obviously are going to look forward to seeing their Dad and it shoud be as pain free as poo for them.

They are probably going to be quite jealous of her aswell -- after all she gets to be with daddy all the time - they only get every other weekend. I found this difficult at first - the children would hardly speak to me - they werent being rude -they jst didnt want to waste their precious w/e with their dad talking to me! Which does make sense.

Have they said what they think of her?

I'm not a step mother but not long ago my h (who'd had an affair - now over) wanted to introduce my dds to the gf. I was distraught. It's horrible. I tried to do the same as you but hated the fact she saw my dds. Realise not hte same situation. Intended to meet her pre her meeting my dds and didn't. Not sure what to say but am sure as amicable as you can possibly be will help the children. But so bloody hard to do. Sorrya a completely useless post.

oops meant pain free as poss - not poo

The stepmother won't replace you - she will hopefully (eventually) just be an additional good person in their lives - akin to a godparent or nice aunt. And I agree with Cuppy, you can't blame her because your ex broke an agreement between the two of you and did something that her boyfriend and the children's father asked her to. That really is something to discuss with him, not blame her for. dont' push yourself into something you are not ready for. You really don't have to be her best friend ever. Just don't badmouth her to the kids or cross question them on what they do with her - not that I'm suggesting you would. Be vaguely positive and interested and that will be plenty enough for now.

And remember, she will be extremely nervous and desperate for the kids to like her because the future of her relationship depends on it. The kids will probably not be very nice to her at first because they will be jealous that she spends much more time with their dad than they do.

My father remarried when I was 12. IME don't think you need to worry about your children preferring her ? my sister, then aged 9 was very hostile to this competitor for her father's attention (and final proof that mummy and daddy weren't going to re-marry). I was very anxious to get on well with new step-mum for my father's sake (and mine, as I was worried about him maybe not wanting to see us any more) but wasn't actually particularly keen on her.
It's a very difficult relationship. My (ex - now divorced from my father) step-mother once sat outside our house in the car when daddy came to pick us up; didn't want to come inside my mother's house. Dad stopped for a cup of tea and a chat without mentioning step-m was there! Mother was amazed when she came out with us...
I can imagine this is very difficult for you. Can only suggest you set some guidelines for your husband and make sure he understands that these are the rules and he has to communicate them to his new g/f. I'd expect anyone looking after my ds to stick to my rules (within reason). But as others have said do try, through gritted teeth if necessary, to keep it civil in front of the kids.

I agree with a lot of this - and yes my exh is mostly to blame for the problem which kicked this off, it's just that if I had been her, i would have checked whether the mum was happy before doing it!!

I haven't said anything either positive or negative about her. I would like to say something positive but find it too hard at the moment. I kind of feel that I should get over all of this - but its causing me a real problem. She was partly the cause of the breakup, but only in part - he had had many affairs. I don't regret the divorce, but I suppose in some ways I resent if I'm honest, her playing happy families with the children. It also seems disingenuous because she claims to care about the children but has asked my exh to negotiate a serious reduction in maintenance because she doesn't want to work. I work because I have no choice, so that doesn't go down well!!

I also don't know how to sort out things like discipline. My exh thinks its ok to smack, but I am totally anti-smacking, and because I couldn't agree with him we've done it my way, but what happens if she smacks my children? I know I am looking at things which may not happen, and she may be a lovely person - its just that I don't know her, and she hasn't shown a lot of sensitivity (from my perspective, which I agree may be biased) so far.

I really welcome these posts. It's a really difficult issue, and I can tell from what you have said that you have both welcomed your step children and done the right things to ensure they are loved and cared for. I hope she will turn out the same way......

Are you ok Gettingthere ? Are you still around?

I know you must feel very tense about all of this. One thing I always think is when we pick them up ,dh's ex must feel sad as we take them off to a 'family unit' and at home its just her ( this is how I would feel).

She uses this time to her advantage though - she goes out - sees her friends - has 'me' time etc. I know you're probably no where near that stage yet but you will get there. That first w/e you need to keep busy.

However - it doesnt matter how much sensible advise I give here- if it were me I would hate this woman and would find this really difficult.Dont worry - Your love for your kids will get you through. Keep posting - u can email me through contact another talker if you like. xxx

I hate to disagree, but my dh is his daughter's father every bit as his ex is her mother. And he wouldn't dream of criticising how she parents her daughter, and would take it very badly if she started laying down lots of rules about how he should look after his own daughter in his own home. She did try this at first - lots of nagging about bedtimes (for example: she wanted her in bed at 7pm and my dh was happy for her to go at 8pm or even 8.30pm at weekends) and about food - she was obsessed that she shouldn't have bread at one point. We just ignored her, actually, but this kind of thing didn't improve relations one bit and made my stepdaughter feel like a piggy in the middle when she arrived with a list of instructions from her mother. I think you do have to let go and trust a little. Was he a terrible, negligent father when he lived with you? If not and the children aren't coming to any harm then I think it's best to let him parent as he sees fit when he has the children. Children do understand the concept of different rules in different homes.

Just seen your previous post - and take it back a bit. I would be very upset if I thought my husband was smacking my son. Luckily he's the best father in the world (and I was lucky to get a preview when I saw him with his daughter). I really don't think his girlfriend would dare smack your children and I don't think he should either. I also think that asking him to reduce maintenance so she doesn't have to work (if that really is her doing) is wrong. And you know, if you didn't have children I would bet money you wouldn't have dreamed of asking the children's mother if it was OK to go for a short walk with some children if the father of the kids asked you do. It certainly wouldn't have occurred to me and I'm not a monster.

I do sympathise with you though -it's hard to see your kids go. My dh (who was more in your position than your ex's) used to cry when he took his daughter back and still sometimes gets very upset.

Oh dear - now it really is a different ball game! I can TOTALLY understand how you feel if she had something to do with your break up. Any woman who interferes in a marriage is lowest of the low imo. Of course you dont want her anywhere near your children.

But its going to happen so just comfort yourself with this thought - one day your kids will want to know why you aand daddy split up - and if she is part of the reason they will certainly have some anger towards her. And if he's done it once - he'll do it again! To her ! (all sensilbe explanations now go out of window as cuppy seethes at thought of marriage wrecker).

Agree with you on the maintenance. Mean. DH's ex recently said she couldnt afford childcare - we dont have any money to give - im having to go back to work part time - but i have offered to have children on days not working to save childcare costs.

they needs to realise that the 3 of you are a team - and that you need as much support as possible being a single parent. With regards to the smacking - you need to tell him what discipline you feel is acceptable - and if a line is crossed then you will have to rethink access arrangements - the children will tell you if he does.

Agree with Aloha - I would never have rung dh's ex to see if it were ok to take children out - that would speak volumes about our relationship. Also , my dh also used to cry after taking children home - he hated giving them back - he still does. IT AFFECTED HIM SO MUCH HE DIDNT SEE THEM FOR A LITTLE WHILE. oops sorry.

It's not that I think she's a monster or anything like that, it's partly the not knowing that is the problem. In the same way, if my children go to play with friends etc, I know where they are etc and I feel comfortable with who they're with. I do have to learn to trust her, but rational logic doesn't help because I feel too emotional about it. I do understand that because she isn't a mother herself, things that are a problem for me seem ok, but then I think well if she really wants what's best for them, she would check with exh whether its likely to cause a problem. I've never said anything about what they eat, wear, what time they go to bed when they are there or anything. However, it is me who has to deal with tired small children on Monday, and I would love to say bedtime is at xtime, I just don't feel able to impose that in another home.

Of course the money thing is a problem,but I think this is often the case. we have 3 children and the maintenance is not cheap. If i didn't know how much it costs to look after children, i would probably resent it too, but i don't see why she thinks its ok not to work, when she doesn't have a lot to do at home!!!

It all makes me want to cry - both exh and I have tried really hard to make this easy on the children, but sometimes its very difficult to make it all hand together.

Ive jst re read what I wrote and it sounds awful - you need to AGREE on disiplince - not tell him - you sre both the parents.

Oh getting there I really feel for you. YOU are doing the best you can and your children willl love you for it . If the worst they are is tired on a Monday then you're all doing a great job. WIth regards to that couldnt you explain to ex that you dont want to impose rules but this is what happens when they go to bed late and THEY end up being unhappy cos theyre tired. Maybe he will see that - if he loves them he wont want them to be unhappy.

I have to go now - but will check this thread tomorrow. Thinking of you xxx

yes I have to go now as well, but you have given me a lot of food for thought. I feel more confident that we can move forward on this - your perspectives are invaluable. Thankyou!

I can't really advise you at all but would like to try and possibly add something that may reassure you. My parents divorced and it took me a while to become comfortable with my step-father (Iwas 16). However we ALL now have such a wonderful relationship and I get on better with my own dad more since the divorce. It took a whie but when we got there we really got there and I'm happy it happened.
I'm not really getting across what's in my heart.
I'm sorry oyou're ging through this btw and I know it must feel bloody AWFUL. I really just wanted to reassure you that you'll NEVER be replaced by anyone and it WIll all be okay; okay?
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Message withdrawn

Thomcat, Gglimpopo, thanks for your posts. I do feel more reassured the more you all say. I do feel I ought to meet her, but really will have to steel myself for that, and I can't do it yet - I feel too upset and it would be destructive rather than positive. There are two problems really - the first is that she has not been at all sensitive, and the second is that I simply do not want my children near her - whether she is nice or not!! I know that's irrational, and pure emotion - also stupid because they are going to spend time with her. I think I will have to take this one step at a time, and some of them will be very small steps. I hope, though, from the posts here, that I may be able to avoid some of the mistakes. I also think that if and when she has children (they are planning a family) that might help a lot. Thomcat - a particular thankyou for your comment that the stepparent can be an addition but is not a replacement - I do have an irrational fear about this, which I know is not founded in reality, but it won't go away, all the same!