New step mother

[gettingthere]

Deep breath! My children are about to acquire a new step mother. I do appreciate that what I am about to say is not necessarily rational ....but...

I do not feel comfortable with someone else caring for my children (every other weekend in our case)

I do not trust her for various reasons. She and I have never met, but she has done some things which were not sensible if she and I were ever to be able to get on reasonably.

My exh and I are going to mediation re access issues on Friday. I would welcome advice from other mums, particularly those who are stepmothers on how to manage this relationship so that it works for the children. There are a lot of potential problems in it because of circumstances (similar to many other experiences I suspect).

Please, particularly those of you who are stepmothers yourselves - would welcome your thoughts etc.

Gald your a bit more reassured GT - it will get earier. JUst go with yur gut feelings and youll be fine. I'm sure it will be better once they have a child - she will understand yur feeling s then.

Can I just say...I know all this is worrying you but I think your children are very lucky to have a mum who cares so much about them. As much as it hurts , you really are putting alot of thought into each move you make - and you do that for them. You're a great mum.

cuppy - thankyou so much. your post gave me a tear......not a sad tear, but a thankyou that you all care sort of momeent if you know what I mean

That's a lovely message from Cuppy and it's very true.
The bit about agreeing parenting/setting rules... the ideal thing to do (but probably not how I'd feel in your shoes which would be more like 'they are my children and you'll stick to my rules' because it's not just their father looking after them but a stranger as well) is to talk to your ex and agree rules between you. Tough one about the smacking though, think you just have to be very firm with ex and say this is something you feel very strongly about and it really won't be very good for your children if they get different messages in each house ? or good for his relationship with them if they only get smacked in his house. Would he understand if you pointed out that it's very hard to hand your children over to a stranger, even the other parent is there too? And so you really need to sort out all the rules beforehand? When you feel up to it, meeting her would probably be a helpful thing to do (a very civil, careful meeting strictly about the kids) but until then you and your ex- need to be clear about the boundaries and what role his gf will play; whether you are happy with her having them on her own, or telling them off, etc. etc. (Aloha, I know it would be ridiculous to expect an established step-mum to seek permission before telling kids off when they are naughty, but this woman doesn't know these kids yet so I think it's a different situation).

Gettingthere - There is a lot of useful and thoughtful advice on this thread. I have been a step-mother to dh's step-children for the last 12 years. They are now all grown up, but they used to visit us every other weekend and we took them away on holiday every summer. Dh's ex-wife was extremely hostile to him, and me, through all those years. What I want to stress is how important it is for the children for you to avoid making them feel that they have to choose between you and your ex-h in terms of their loyalty and affection. IME, what they are likely to want is a quiet life and for everyone to try to get on, or to keep things calm, at least. Please also try to avoid the temptation to quiz them about what's happening in the other household, as this also puts them under a lot of strain. Moving between two households is very hard for children, especially if they have to deal with two different sets of values and two different views of the situation. Not quizzing them helps them to make that switch between households more easily. I hope this helps. Good luck to you in a difficult position.

we have had mediation today on access issues (not to do with new step mum but fact that exdh thinks its ok to get them up at 5 am so that they can get to school in a different county by 8 am). I think we have made some steps forward. A girlfriend of mine was round with her children, and exdh was there for an hour or so to have a drink and then collect children. My friend is a mother and a stepmother and she made some very wise comments which have really sunk home with him. We seem to have sorted the smacking issue. Exdh talked about new partner quite a bit, saying she feels very threatened by the fact that he and I speak on the phone etc, and because we were together a long time, she apparently thinks we are going to get back together at some point. Perish the thought! This does however explain some things which have annoyed me, and puts them in context. Hopefully we can move on from here, although it will be an uphill struggle i think.

I really welcome the comments on this thread. It is a difficult issue, and emotions are high, so anything we can do to make it work well is very welcome.

Glad it went well today, GT.

happy to hear youve made some good progress GT.

Just to tell you my story a bit. I was a step-parent to exp's 2 dds for years and was the cause of the break-up. The exp's exw probably hated me (with every reason and right I know) but to be fair to her she didn't really interfere too much. I was really jealous of her (totally irrationally too!) and resented her. But I really tried my best with the 2 girls and we got on really well. The exp and I have been apart for 4 years and guess what?! His exw and I have now become good mates - united in slagging him off as a crap father and all that! The girls come and stay with us (my 2 dds are their half sisters after all). I think the exw came to realise that I and my family were very good to her girls and she appreciated that.

Once I had children I could really see it more from her point of view and how hard it must have been for her and I feel stupid now at being jealous and putting exp in the middle all the time.

It all just takes time and I wish you luck. I;m glad in a way that the exp has gone completely and I don't have to face my dds having a step-mother.

I think that those that are suggesting a meet might be right. If I had met the exw (bit tricky as she lives 300 miles away!) or got to know her more during those years it would have helped me and probably her.

I really think the stepdds didn't suffer though and loved us all but their Mum was always no 1!!

Don't know if any of this is any help whatsoever but good luck anyway!