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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I feel like such a horrible person

92 replies

Sillyface29 · 02/01/2017 10:59

Hi!
Il try to keep this as short as possible. I've already posted before about this topic but things seem to be getting worse. Me and my partner have been together for over 2 years. We have our own little boy who is one and he has a son from a previous relationship who is 4. A few months ago stepsons mum decided she "didn't want him anymore" so he come to live with us full time. I've always known he was hard work as we had him on weekends and all holidays and he was just a nightmare but I've had the patience of a saint with him.
These past few months though his behaviour has totally gotten out of hand. He has is fine with his dad. Me on the other hand it's like he hates. He spits on me, hits me, screams that he hates me, totally ignores me in public and has tantrums. He's started hurting my son too and the other night I walked into the bathroom to find him weeing on my son.
This morning I was cleaning up (out of the room for about 2 minutes) and I went back in to find him ramming food down my sons throat. He started choking and my partner had to dislodge it. He couldn't breathe and I literally thought we weren't going to get it out. I've never been so frightened.
I literally can't take anymore, and I feel like I can't stand having him around. I've cried all day and told my partner I think I should go to my mums for a bit as I don't want my son witnessing this and over the holidays I've had to time to spend with my own son as step son always wants the attention. I've gone without, both me and my partner so we could give him an excellent Xmas. Everytime I go somewhere I take him and try and show him love and it makes no difference.
He has an appointment at CAHMS in the next few weeks but for the sake of my own sanity and my sons well being I think I should leave for a bit - my partner has said if I do, our relationship is over.
I feel like the worst person in the world as I know he's only 4 but I'm at breaking point and don't want to feel like this. I love him so much but when he's hurting my son it breaks my heart.
Help!! 😭 xx

OP posts:

tribpot · 06/01/2017 22:50

My partner has text me a couple of times saying we need to stick together

We don't need to stick together. He needs you to ignore being called a mentalist and come back and do his job for him, even if it's at the expense of his other child.

Where the hell is his ds1 if he's in the pub with his dad? That poor child hasn't got a hope with two such fucking useless parents, and there's nothing you can do about it whilst your DP is there undermining you.

If you're so dreadful and challenging to be with, he should be pleased you've gone.

TaggieRR · 06/01/2017 23:00

So who is your dss with now?

EweAreHere · 06/01/2017 23:03

So if your DP is at the pub, and you're at your mum's, who has the DSS?
I bet you don't get a few hours by yourself at the pub child free because you are stressed eh?

Exactly what I was wondering!

I'm so glad you've taken your son and left, OP. Safety first. Your DP is clearly in denial and minimizing the very idea that there might be something wrong with his older child and need help. I believe that a lot of men react like this when suggestions are made that there might be something 'wrong'; I know a few.

Hopefully, he will see that he can't hide from this forever.

MagicChanges · 06/01/2017 23:30

Maybe the 4 yr old child is with granny as I think somewhere OP said that granny used to look after him after the parents split up. That poor child - he's presenting some very disturbed behaviour but it's small wonder really. Just hope you can look after you and your baby OP and tell the P that his son is his responsibility. Maybe granny will be the best bet but that depends on whether she can handle him, or is fit enough.

One thing's for sure the P will be desperate to get you back home OP but I think you are going to have to be really strong and resist that or the whole thing will just start over again.

StripeyMonkey1 · 06/01/2017 23:39

I think that without the support of your partner, you stand no chance of dealing with DSS's issues. It would be different if your DP was on board and you were helping DSS in an appropriate way together.

Your own son is being abused by DSS. I don't think you can let this continue much longer.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 07/01/2017 02:12

Move out, move out!

I know this sounds like drastic advice, but it isn't. Your circumstances are in no way near the level of safety and of peace of mind you need to bring up a child. If it is your house, get your DP to move out. Honestly, even if it is temporary.

It makes me so sad these scenarios. Of course this little boy is out of hand and needs help, but moving him to a place where you are likely to have little authority and back up is a DISASTER. I know, I've done it, although my DSD wasn't violent, but just another case of a 'main parent' - whether it is the Mum or Dad, giving up on the child, moving them to secondary parent and step parent - honestly if the main parent cannot manage then it is extremely unlikely it will get better by parcelling them off.

pklme · 07/01/2017 07:00

It's better for SS if you are not there in the long run. You are effectively allowing his DPs to take no responsibility for him. That isn't a criticism, you done so well, but his DPs need to engage with CAMHS and parent him therapeutically themselves.

SteppingOnToes · 08/01/2017 22:00

I've been thinking about you this weekend. I hope you have been able to enjoy spending time with your DS at your mums x

Original poster

Sillyface29 · 09/01/2017 09:52

Hi!
I've had a lovely weekend at my mums. (I say lovely, I've been ill with the flu). She's had the weekend off work so she's been a massive help. My little boy has been like a completely different boy. So happy and carefree.
My partner came down on Saturday with step son to take them for a walk, the first thing he did when he walked through the door was jump on my son when he was asleep and scream in his face...to the absolute horror of my mum.
My partner came back down this morning to see my son when he dropped ss off at school. It turned into an argument, he said I should be up home but "if I can't be bothered with ss" then it's my loss. He has an absolute cheek. I'm so pissed off with him right now. He obviously hasn't listened to anything I've said.

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 09/01/2017 09:54

Your partner is an arse, tell him to parent his child. That should be his priority.

JeffJarrett · 09/01/2017 10:04

He said you 'should' be at home? Not that he misses you and would like you to come back?

Don't go back at all until he's ready to take action and address the issues with SS and actually parent him whilst supporting you. It speaks volumes that your DS is happier and you can see the difference.

I hope you're feeling better OP, I'm glad you were looked after by your mum too.

tribpot · 09/01/2017 10:41

He's the one who should be bothered with his ds1. Your primary responsibility is to your ds, and you can see for yourself how much happier he is out of that environment. Nuff said.

Confusedcentral · 09/01/2017 10:52

You and your son are better as far away from your so called partner and his son before your son ends up seriously hurt. He needs help but on a much bigger scale than you could ever give

Original poster

Sillyface29 · 09/01/2017 10:59

The thing is I can be bothered, and for 2 years I've been bothered. Just right now I'm totally rock bottom with it all. I think if he truly loved me, he would understand and be there as a partner aswell. This weekend is definetly an eye opener for me. Once I get properly sorted, I'm going to try and find some baby groups for me and my son and start making a life for us. I really can't believe him, I'm so upset.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 09/01/2017 13:15

He sees you as a nanny to his older child. The fact his mother had him previously suggests both parents have let this boy down badly. I would put you and DS first and find somewhere else for the sake of you and your child you'll be so much happier.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 09/01/2017 13:38

I think you've made the right decision. I can't offer any experience but your P needs a serious reality check. Maybe dealing with his own son will help, maybe not, but you can't put yourself or your son through it. I hope you can sort things out for you and your son

Lelloteddy · 14/01/2017 20:54

You can't make this work.
That poor little boy has been so let down by his parents. He's four years old and has already experienced trauma and distress from being thrown out of his home by his mother, then completely abandoned by her and sent to live with a poor excuse of a father who already has another baby?
A recipe for disaster and it's no wonder the child has serious behavioural difficulties.
You need to think now about how to manage safe contact between your son and his father when his oldest child is also present.

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