I feel like such a horrible person

[Sillyface29]

Hi!
Il try to keep this as short as possible. I've already posted before about this topic but things seem to be getting worse. Me and my partner have been together for over 2 years. We have our own little boy who is one and he has a son from a previous relationship who is 4. A few months ago stepsons mum decided she "didn't want him anymore" so he come to live with us full time. I've always known he was hard work as we had him on weekends and all holidays and he was just a nightmare but I've had the patience of a saint with him.
These past few months though his behaviour has totally gotten out of hand. He has is fine with his dad. Me on the other hand it's like he hates. He spits on me, hits me, screams that he hates me, totally ignores me in public and has tantrums. He's started hurting my son too and the other night I walked into the bathroom to find him weeing on my son.
This morning I was cleaning up (out of the room for about 2 minutes) and I went back in to find him ramming food down my sons throat. He started choking and my partner had to dislodge it. He couldn't breathe and I literally thought we weren't going to get it out. I've never been so frightened.
I literally can't take anymore, and I feel like I can't stand having him around. I've cried all day and told my partner I think I should go to my mums for a bit as I don't want my son witnessing this and over the holidays I've had to time to spend with my own son as step son always wants the attention. I've gone without, both me and my partner so we could give him an excellent Xmas. Everytime I go somewhere I take him and try and show him love and it makes no difference.
He has an appointment at CAHMS in the next few weeks but for the sake of my own sanity and my sons well being I think I should leave for a bit - my partner has said if I do, our relationship is over.
I feel like the worst person in the world as I know he's only 4 but I'm at breaking point and don't want to feel like this. I love him so much but when he's hurting my son it breaks my heart.
Help!! 😭 xx

And the housing situation, we rent. I would by know means be able to afford to move on my own till I got back to work.

Your DP is planning to do what? Seriously, that's just awful.

Hmm I spent a long time replying to you but I've obviously read you wrong as I didn't think you were in for the long haul with your ss. There are options if CAMHS can't help but not on the NHS. Play therapy can be effective but will be around £60.00 an hour. I hate to sound defeatist but as I said before, things can only get worse. The child's parents need to take responsibility for their child.

I don't think il be in it for the long run to be fair. I think I'm just trying to go along with it. Step son put an electric train in my sons hair before and it all got tangled up while he just sat and laughed at my son screaming. I was in the same room-playing with them!
I know you spent a long time replying to me and I'm massively grateful, I've just forwarded what you wrote on to my mum.
I just need to keep putting the situation off and have some head space, my mum has told me to pack a bag and go home. I honestly feel like I'm breaking down. I don't want to be a failure and I don't want to tear my family apart. At the same time I know I can't keep my son attached to my hip, I NEED to protect him. I'm just frightened I guess.
Thankyou all so much for taking the time to reply. This has been my only outlet to vent. So Thankyou xx

OP, I honestly don't blame you at all for seeking some space. It makes sense to go to your mum's for a while. I know space is tight there, but you can at least think about your options.

No way can your dh take a job that he is out for 6 nights in a row. No way. He needs to step up for goodness sake.

OP wake up and smell the coffee!

Your baby boy is in danger, leave and get your DP to deal with this mess your in. Your letting your baby go through this pain!?

It isn't right and you don't deserve this hell. You sound like a saint but by god I was getting distressed just reading this.

What on earth is he thinking contemplating a job with those working hours. As I keep saying I think you really need to get out of there for own sake, and then also he will be forced in to finding a job that works around his son being there. School hours and then after school club hours like many other parents have to. Make him do the work and be a bloody parent.

I can't believe your DP is seriously wanting to get a job and be around even less to parent his son. The lack of support for you from him is really upsetting. You sound like you desperately need it.

I bet you're at breaking point OP. You do need to get out and there's no shame in admitting it. Nobody would think less of you and you've given it a good try.

Leave and go to your mums today and clear your head for a while and let your DS relax too. You really do need to prioritise him now. It sounds like DSS is escalating with the violence to him. You both really need some time out of all this.

Hi!
Again Thankyou for your replies. The 6 day a week job phoned my partner this morning and he's offered to take it. No talk with me no nothing.
I told him he needs to stop making a single mans decisions when he's got a family who desperately need him right now. I got called a mentalist and that everything was a challenge regarding me. Which then caused me become an emotional wreck and tried to tell him how hard everything was, that I wasn't coping very well and that I had never felt this low before and it was scaring me as if I didn't have my son I wouldn't know what id do. I'm ill will flu, not slept in about 4 nights and generally feel shit. I was accepting a hug and him to tell me wed sort this. All I got was that I was pathetic.
So I've rang my mum, I'm waiting for her to finish work and I'm going. I physically can't deal with this, the worry for my Son is literally sending me barmy to the extent where I don't even know myself. And I think step son would be easier to deal with if I had my partners support. I'm sick of having my opinion disregarded as though we don't matter and doing EVERYTHING for them. I tried to tell him this will be having an effect on our son, and that maybe he should contact the GP our the school for a bit more support while he waits for CAHMS. I Just get shot down. So honestly fuck it, (sorry) I'm gone.

I'm so sorry, what a stupid creep he is. You were doing your absolute best and he couldn't even listen, let alone step up.

It's an awful shame, but much clearer now. Have some rest at your Mum's, and start sorting things out. I'm not an LTB shouter, but really don't go back, no matter what he says or how hard it is at Mum's. He is taking the mickey.

OP I hope you are able to get some well needed rest and tlc from at your mums.

Contact CMS and get child support payments for your baby.

After you're rested think forward as to what you need for a secure and happy life for you and your son.

You can be responsible for your partners son if he won't parent his child or let you have any kind of input into parenting him. He has needs which are clearly being ignored by his parents poor thing it you can't allow yourself to become the emotional and physical punch bag for their inability to parent their child.

Oh my god sorry op but he is such a prick. I don't even know the guy and he's annoying me.

I'm so glad you're going to your mum's. Don't let him talk you out of it or threaten you with his ultimatums. Your baby will be safe and your wellbeing will improve. Good luck!

I think your dp needs to parent his own son. I would stay and your mums.

Don't get me wrong, I have got a nasty tongue. I say some horrible things and go OTT but I just wish he'd listen and maybe I wouldn't get so angry. Not that it's an excuse to be mean but I've just had enough.

You've made the right decision, hard though it may feel. Get out, you and your baby be safe, try to decompress and let your Mum look after you for a bit. You need to sleep and eat properly and try to get your strength back.

I bet after a short amount of time away from the awfulness of the situation you've been in it could seem even worse as you'll be out of it and might have a clearer view of it.

You've done everything you can from the sounds of it to parent both DC as best you can with fuck all help, support, understanding, thanks, appreciation from your DP who is putting everything above you and your baby's wellbeing. It's got to stop.

If I can be amateur psychologist for a bit, I would say your SS has attachment issues from his relationship from his mother. And his father has been absent (emotionally and physically) enough that the poor boy is scared that he will lose his father as well - so is on bestest behaviour when he's with him. You have been there more for dSS than either of his parents so he feels safe to act out his upset with you - but he feels threatened by your ds, as he knows that your own son will always be first with you. As it should be. But the poor lad is in a horrible position.
Your areshole DP needs to step up - but he should know that as soon As his DS starts trusting him not to bugger off, he will see the bad behaviour directed towards him as well.
The DSS needs therapeutic parenting where his emotions are acknowledged and talked about, while boundaries are consistently applied with empathy - calmly, no shouting, no punishment. But that's bloody hard to do and tbh if I had a younger child to keep safe, I would be out of there :(

Hello OP - sorry I was a bit snippy last night - I just thought I'd got the wrong end of the stick. I truly hope you are now with your mom - the whole thing is ridiculous - it's bad enough having to cope with ss without you partner being such a waste of space. I know it's going to present major difficulties for partner and child but they are not of your making and now P is choosing to spend as long as he can out of the house!

I agree with name above although I never know what "therapeutic parenting" really is - as I said before I've seen so many foster carers and adopters suffer terribly because they haven't been able to cope with a child's behaviour and these were people who chose to apply to take a child into their home. I don't want to give any details as I don't want to scare you but there was a situation with an adopted child (6 yrs) who did a terrible thing to the family dog - it was a big house and he'd slipped away unnoticed. They'd caught him kicking the dog and being cruel in other ways but this was horrendous. SO your baby is not safe and you can't have eyes in the back of your head.

I know this was a dog not a baby but it was a similar thing because all the family loved the dog and made a big fuss of him and of course the 6 yr old couldn't handle that, just as your ss can't handle the closeness between you and your baby. It's not his fault but believe me it will only get worse...............I've seen it too many times.

You might have to be resilient because P will be wanting you back I'm sure and may make all sorts of promises. The other thing is your baby is living in an atmosphere of tension and that will affect him to some extent, so I hope you can just concentrate on you and your baby and find some peace of mind.

Hi!
What is therapeutic parenting? I've just had a quick search and it's came up with numerous things?
That's made me feel actually really sad about the dog, which scares me how people whether children or not can be that cruel.
I've came home (to my mums) before I left there was yet another outburst by ss where he dragged my son out of his chair, took his shoe off and threw it at him. He was just literally running wild, kept running round in circles screaming while he was doing it? I don't know if the screaming and running is normal?
My son is like a total different little boy at my mums. Everything is a lot more relaxed and I can enjoy my time with him and it's nice having someone to talk too who actually listens. My partner has text me a couple of times saying we need to stick together and that he's having a few beers with his dad as "he's stressed". I really don't think he knows the meaning of the word.

www.attachmenttraumanetwork.org/understanding-attachment/therapeutic-parenting/

That's therapeutic Parenting to me.

Of course your DP wants you to stick together - it means he doesn't have to step up and actually be a parent to his poor hurting damaged son.

You really need to get your ds out of there before he suffers long term physical or emotional damage. Sorry :(

So if your DP is at the pub, and you're at your mum's, who has the DSS?
I bet you don't get a few hours by yourself at the pub child free because you are stressed eh?

Screaming and running can be normal. Both my 5yo and 3 yo were running around after tea tonight screaming being dinosaurs and jumpit on the bed - basically having a whale of a time and burning off some energy (been raining all day so not as much outdoors play as usual).
Screaming and running while being violent? Not so normal.

Of course he's stressed, his free childcare has just left !

Oh thank fuck I've been catching up on this thread and just thinking "why haven't you left yet??" I'm so glad you have now!
I'm sorry it's harsh but your ss is not your problem. He has issues and these need to be dealt with but his parents and the professionals. You deal with yourself.
As for your partner taking the 6 day job? Sounds like a control thing, thinks you won't leave because you have to stay as childcare. Not your problem. Hope you can relax and get better and start putting yourself first