DSD - where would you go from here?

[Dollyparton3]

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible with all the relevant background.

DSD has a history of witholding contact with her dad whenever she doesn't get her own way. She won't have a conversation when she is wrong about anything and she refuses to accept any boundaries. She will never apologise for any bad behaviour, she'll just sulk for 6 months and not see us. OH is excellent at taking up the mantle and keeping me out of it.

A couple of weeks ago OH had a big ding dong with her about her social media account (she keeps uploading provocative photos and making her profile public) rather than agreeing that she was wrong, she refused to speak with OH for a couple of weeks and carried on. We had a deal with her months ago that if she did it again, she wouldnt get her allowance for that month. This was all very clear and understood.

At christmas she was horrible to everyone on xmas day. OH had begged her to come to see us, right at the last minute she said she would, once again leaving him treading on eggshells until she arrived at a moment's notice.

On xmas day once she'd arrived, she was rude to everyone. Telling us all she didn't have to be there, she'd only come for the presents and then disappearing to her room as soon as she'd opened them. OH caught her drinking from a bottle of vodka in the kitchen around 10, then when he went upstairs to tell her off she laid into him massively. (She's 16 btw) we've had to buy bottle locks for the house after a few instances of this before and stupidly we'd left this one bottle on the top in the other room.

She was telling him she didn't want to be there, that she felt left out (we'd done everything we could to welcome her and rise above the previous few weeks), that his life was tragic and he was an embarrassment to her, she shouted at him asking him what he was going to selfishly spend her allowance on the next month because he wasn't giving it to her.

The following day we had grandma in tears as she did the same routine. coming down from her room at 2pm to open her gifts then straight back upstairs.

We've tried several tactics this year, rewards for good behaviour, we redecorated her bedroom at great expense to make it feel more welcoming at ours, she's also had a very generous allowance to give her a bit more independence as she told us was frustrated at feeling beholden to us for money when she was with us. She has burnt through this allowance every month ever since and when OH told her she wasn't going to get any allowance in December she told him she wasn't getting any presents for anyone, and she didn't. She didn't even so much as get a card for her Grannie who does so much for her its unreal. She topped this off by saying to her "I can't get you anything because Dad has been a knob". DSS by the way saved his allowance for christmas gifts and really enjoyed shopping for presents for all of us.

A month ago she had an Iphone 7 for her birthday, she asked everyone to combine xmas and birthday money and give it to her. She didn't thank anyone on the day when she opened it, not even by text. Our contribution was £250 to that. I wrapped a couple of very small stocking fillers and then stupidly felt bad and bought her some relatively expensive body lotion and spray. 5 minutes after she opened it and disappeared she tweeted saying how awful her day was and how stupid the conversations were downstairs. I'm really kicking myself for buying her something.

If she was my child I would have removed all the presents from her room, returned them to the shops for a refund and switched the WIFI off. OH went into her room and sat while she screamed in his face for an hour or so.

I guess my question is, what would you do in my shoes? I ended xmas day with an upset DSS, an OH nearly in tears and I didn't sleep on xmas night at all. In my view she is a total bully to OH and he takes it because he just wants to see his daughter. But nobody should be able to treat other people like that, teenager or not. DSS tells us she behaves exactly the same way to her mum at home, and on occasion her mum takes herself into her room to cry as she can't cope with her either. DSS told me on xmas day that DSD was being horrible about me a couple of weeks ago in front of his mum saying that I'm an unfit step-mother, DSS then confronted her and asked her why and she said "she just is". DSS has no problem with me at all I should add and I've never had a falling out with her.

Her mother also won't speak with OH on any level. So a team effort to turn this around is unlikely.

I'm of the view that all I can do is support OH but I really had to bite my tongue whilst seeing all my lovely family around me upset on xmas day. I can't get involved, I can't speak with her as it's not my place but at some point, I'm going to blow my top! Ultimately we've been round this loop for a few years now with ever increasing severity and upset for my OH so is there a way forward that will support him and stop her being such a bully to him?

PS - I came along years after the divorce and there was no third party involved then so he's not the bad guy in her eyes.

Just wanted to give everyone a well overdue update on the past month and how well this has improved, for us at least.

DH and I have had several long chats and I've done a lot of digging on various forums. The theory we came up with was that she's been allowed to indulge herself with guilt parenting on the part of my DH for a long time.

For years her mum has been speaking somewhat inappropriately in front of the kids (He left her, nobody else involved) and blaming him for everything. Don't have new trainers for the new school term? Dad's fault. Don't have the same kit that your friends have? Dad's fault,

feeling a bit insecure? Dad's fault. He's been faultless with them, paid over the odds on maintenance, never missed a weeknight visit or a weekend, always been to parents evening etc. But I can see how this has resonated with DSD. And DH has Disney parented his way out of it out of guilt every time.

The way she spoke to him on xmas day was the worst I've ever seen, and she's been bad before. Not just a teenager kicking off, emotionally abusive is how I'd phrase it. Screaming in his face, wailing when he tried to walk away, hysterics, dragging up historical put downs that he's resolved over the years with both kids. i.e. yes I do pay your mum more than my fair share, and Dolly does too even though she's obliged to do nothing. No my job isn't embarrassing (rather well paid and hugely stressful), no you don't deserve more just because your friends have it. No I don't spend all my money on myself (Do you see the theme here? all about money and I've spoken about this at length before)

I've suggested to DH that DSD is a bit of a bully and is used to guilting him into letting her do what she wants as the tantrums are all very similar. What normally happens is that she then withholds contact and when she graces him with her presence he's used as a taxi service, chef, maid and cheque book, but she's very rarely spending time with him. HOWEVER, she is getting exactly what she wants with no consequence to her bad behaviour.

So the new era looks like this:-

He doesn't text her every two days asking when he will see her next and telling her how much he loves her and how upset he is.

When they do text or call (and he's still instigating this every couple of days as before) he has a polite, courteous conversation. No grovelling, no emotional weakness shown.
She told him at christmas firmly that at 16 she considers herself an adult now, she doesn't need or want him, she doesn't want his interference and wants to be able to do what she wants when she wants. So that's what we're allowing.
From our perspective, being treated like an adult means that you are not allowed to be rude or abusive to any member of our family and that behaviour wont be tolerated. We've told her that when she is ready to apologise we're here to listen.
We've also got Grannie back on our side. In the past Grannie was the go-between and chief source of teenage manipulation, Grannie would talk to DH when he was trying to hold firm and Grannie would talk him round to laying us wide open to DSD walking back in ruling the roost. Grannie has had a firm chat with DSD and told her that things have changed and its down to DSD to figure out what she wants.

I have also copped a fair bit on this - DSD tried to talk me round at first, I refused to engage in the conversation and told her "its about time you stopped blaming other people for your own life choices. If you want to be treated as an adult I refuse to listen to you telling me your dad is a bad man because he stopped your allowance as a consequence of your social media activity. You want to be treated like an adult? Here it is". I've also mentioned to her that if she chooses to be part of our extended family she has to contribute to the relationship as much as well all do. she can't just rock up for the fun stuff. Last year that was our family holiday. She was a wotsit to us all before and after the holiday, no contact for 6 months but turned up to "get a tan and some good Instagram photos".

So far this all seems to be resonating with her.

Last week she rocked up at the last minute on a Friday night (our scheduled weekend) to spend time with us before seeing her boyfriend but we already had plans to go to dinner. When we told her that she looked miffed that we weren't all trying to reschedule for her. A few weeks back she asked her dad how his week had been (never, ever happened) and this weekend she wants to schedule some time in with her dad 1on1.

She told her dad last week that she misses him and that he's changed and she doesn't like it. He told her that he hasn't changed at all, but he deserves the same amount of respect as everyone else that she comes into contact with and he won't be condoning that behaviour any longer. He also mentioned that when she's ready to have rational conversation about it, he is too (this could never happen before xmas, she will never ever give an inch towards admitting she's wrong hence the screaming arguments and bully tactics towards him).

I hope any newcomers to this conversation don't read this and assume I'm a bitch who wants DSD out of the way. I love both of my stepchildren to bits, have struggled immensely with her but also with DH who has been reduced to tears in the past because she's been so horrible to him Also I have a DSS who is younger and gets really upset when his sister ruins yet another nice family weekend. I'm stuck in the middle every time and have been desperate in the past for DH to see that this is the issue. Now I think he's finally coming round to taking a step back and seeing what she's turned into at the fault of both parents who've not handled her brilliantly well. We're hoping we can help her to see that this is not how you can treat people.

Any thoughts on our psychology assessment would be most appreciated!

Oh bloody hell, I'd be hoping ballistic if I were you!
You made a big efoort for her and the rest of the family at Christmas, and she threw it in your face. I don't know how you're going to deal with it, but I agree, this is totally manipulative behaviour.....and she does it because she can!
All I can suggest is you tell OH exactly what you think, and try to come up with a plan, to make life easier for all f you!

Sorry Dolly, didn't read your last post before responding. I think you've done exactly the right thing...after all you wouldn't let any one else treat you both like this. Stand firm, and let her see that her tantrums, manipulations and bully tactics will not be affecting you any more, so she can like it or lump it!

Thanks Wdigin2this, the nice part of this is that it's been at least 3 weeks since my OH started to change the way he communicates with her and he seems so much more chilled out which is lovely to see. He said the other day " I love my daughter to bits, just not at the moment" and that's true.

it was rather entertaining when she rocked up for lunch last weekend, I could sense that she was expecting the red carpet rolled out for her, instead she had to fit in with what we were doing. We were all running round the house playing a murder mystery game that DSS had taught us. DSD shouted after 5 mins "well if nobody is going to come and talk to me I'll just go then, see if I care. " We told her we were playing a game with DSS and she could join in if she wanted. No justification, no apology from us. when we finished half an hour later she was on the sofa all Kevin and Perry engrossed in her phone sulking. But she didn't leave. She just didn't get her own way. But 3 other people, her Dad, DSS and me were happy and that's a big turnaround.

You've handled the situation a lot more gracefully than I could! Hope things get better for you soon

Sounds like he is finally introducing tough love and it was about time that he did. Her mum might have indulged her with money, but it sounds like her dad indulged her with forgiveness and excuses.

It all sounds positive that she is maybe growing up and intelligent enough to realise that she'd gone too far. Just watch that her 'better behaved attitude' is not another mean of manipulation though, one where she realises that to get her way, she needs to pretend to be the 'perfect sweet daughther'. Saying that, it's hard to undo years and years of damage due to over indulgence.

Thanks both. Spongebob, believe me, my gin consumption has gone up in parallel with the amount of tongue biting I've done.

Swingof, you're spot on there, I think we've been a victim of this on a few occasions, I could tell because the phrase "love you daddy" was there in all its glory on the family whatsapp group chat. It's like a code word for "I've got you by the balls". Each time she's got better she's then fallen out even worse with him a few weeks later.

I hope he gets that now. He's definitely recognised that she's used that trick with Grannie, who we hope has wizened up a bit as well this time around. She had DSD in the car the other day who started trying to tell her that "dolly is the worst thing that's ever happened to this family". Grannie told her to wash her mouth out and have a long hard think about all the lovely things I've done for her.

Bonus points for the fact that tonight she's posted her second Instagram pic since Christmas. And her profile is still set to private. I don't know what it is because I'm not following her. Victory!!!!!!!!