DSD - where would you go from here?

[Dollyparton3]

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible with all the relevant background.

DSD has a history of witholding contact with her dad whenever she doesn't get her own way. She won't have a conversation when she is wrong about anything and she refuses to accept any boundaries. She will never apologise for any bad behaviour, she'll just sulk for 6 months and not see us. OH is excellent at taking up the mantle and keeping me out of it.

A couple of weeks ago OH had a big ding dong with her about her social media account (she keeps uploading provocative photos and making her profile public) rather than agreeing that she was wrong, she refused to speak with OH for a couple of weeks and carried on. We had a deal with her months ago that if she did it again, she wouldnt get her allowance for that month. This was all very clear and understood.

At christmas she was horrible to everyone on xmas day. OH had begged her to come to see us, right at the last minute she said she would, once again leaving him treading on eggshells until she arrived at a moment's notice.

On xmas day once she'd arrived, she was rude to everyone. Telling us all she didn't have to be there, she'd only come for the presents and then disappearing to her room as soon as she'd opened them. OH caught her drinking from a bottle of vodka in the kitchen around 10, then when he went upstairs to tell her off she laid into him massively. (She's 16 btw) we've had to buy bottle locks for the house after a few instances of this before and stupidly we'd left this one bottle on the top in the other room.

She was telling him she didn't want to be there, that she felt left out (we'd done everything we could to welcome her and rise above the previous few weeks), that his life was tragic and he was an embarrassment to her, she shouted at him asking him what he was going to selfishly spend her allowance on the next month because he wasn't giving it to her.

The following day we had grandma in tears as she did the same routine. coming down from her room at 2pm to open her gifts then straight back upstairs.

We've tried several tactics this year, rewards for good behaviour, we redecorated her bedroom at great expense to make it feel more welcoming at ours, she's also had a very generous allowance to give her a bit more independence as she told us was frustrated at feeling beholden to us for money when she was with us. She has burnt through this allowance every month ever since and when OH told her she wasn't going to get any allowance in December she told him she wasn't getting any presents for anyone, and she didn't. She didn't even so much as get a card for her Grannie who does so much for her its unreal. She topped this off by saying to her "I can't get you anything because Dad has been a knob". DSS by the way saved his allowance for christmas gifts and really enjoyed shopping for presents for all of us.

A month ago she had an Iphone 7 for her birthday, she asked everyone to combine xmas and birthday money and give it to her. She didn't thank anyone on the day when she opened it, not even by text. Our contribution was £250 to that. I wrapped a couple of very small stocking fillers and then stupidly felt bad and bought her some relatively expensive body lotion and spray. 5 minutes after she opened it and disappeared she tweeted saying how awful her day was and how stupid the conversations were downstairs. I'm really kicking myself for buying her something.

If she was my child I would have removed all the presents from her room, returned them to the shops for a refund and switched the WIFI off. OH went into her room and sat while she screamed in his face for an hour or so.

I guess my question is, what would you do in my shoes? I ended xmas day with an upset DSS, an OH nearly in tears and I didn't sleep on xmas night at all. In my view she is a total bully to OH and he takes it because he just wants to see his daughter. But nobody should be able to treat other people like that, teenager or not. DSS tells us she behaves exactly the same way to her mum at home, and on occasion her mum takes herself into her room to cry as she can't cope with her either. DSS told me on xmas day that DSD was being horrible about me a couple of weeks ago in front of his mum saying that I'm an unfit step-mother, DSS then confronted her and asked her why and she said "she just is". DSS has no problem with me at all I should add and I've never had a falling out with her.

Her mother also won't speak with OH on any level. So a team effort to turn this around is unlikely.

I'm of the view that all I can do is support OH but I really had to bite my tongue whilst seeing all my lovely family around me upset on xmas day. I can't get involved, I can't speak with her as it's not my place but at some point, I'm going to blow my top! Ultimately we've been round this loop for a few years now with ever increasing severity and upset for my OH so is there a way forward that will support him and stop her being such a bully to him?

PS - I came along years after the divorce and there was no third party involved then so he's not the bad guy in her eyes.

That's very true Frank but I can say in my own case that I'm in this long haul as the RP.I keep going by thinking that I'll only have a few more years til she flies the nest but it is still bloody soul destroying for my own family unit.We live a thoroughly miserable existence.

This is also his child too and he shouldn't just turn her back on her. It's not going to help his relationship with his other children either. Surely if DSD stops coming so will DSS? I just can't justify people walking away from their kids without trying everything.

She refuses to agree at any point that her father has her best interests at heart and is trying to protect her with the online thing.
Oh, that sounds so familiar dolly.

Even after my DPs DD received death threats online and the police got involved, she was still adamant that she knew best.
And when she was arrested for shoplifting, rather than being a wake up call, it became another stick to beat DH with as she, and her mother, claimed it was all his (and my) fault.

Re the social media I would involve the school. If she is posting iffy stuff then they might be able to speak to her.
The iPhone 7 was a huge mistake as are all top of the range smart phones for teenagers so cancel the insurance and hope it breaks then dont replace.

fallen I hope things get better for you soon. It must be incredibly hard being the RP and in that situation and having nowhere else to turn

Surely if DSD stops coming so will DSS?

Why? It sounds like the DS needs respite from his DSis drama - isn't it the OPs DPs responsibility to provide that or is he expected to put up with it as his DSis is older?

And I ask again, how is the OPs DP 'walking away' if he's accepting his 16 year old DDs choice not to see him?
Mothers refuse to force contact between much younger DCs and MN resident dads on the basis that the DC 'doesn't want' to see them. Isn't it abusive to force the DC to do something she doesn't want to?

At this age they think that they know everything tho don't they?! I say that as I thought exactly the same way too at this age!

Because if the DC's mother is obstructing contact to one I would be surprised if she didn't obstruct contact to another. I'm not arguing with you anymore on this, you're obviously convinced the best thing for everyone is for DSD to be gone or you wouldn't be attacking me for every attempt to help OP see another light at the end of the tunnel.

Re the social media I would involve the school. If she is posting iffy stuff then they might be able to speak to her.

Teens already get weekly 'talks' about the risks of social media from school, youth clubs and the like. Social Services get literally thousands of referrals a day about teens sexting strangers, meeting up with adults they've met on Grindr and similar issues - it's far to big an issue and out of control of authorities.

Those that engage in risky behaviour just don't take any notice of the warnings as they believe it'll never happen to them and if it does, they find an excuse to be the victim.

The way to protect DCs is to prevent the behaviour starting in the first place by putting restrictions and checks in place.
Once it's established, there's very little anyone can do to disrupt the behaviour.

Thank you Frank for your kind words.It's beyond awful,we feel very let down by all those so called professionals who are meant to help!As I said both mine and my DP's health have suffered.Both our GP's have said that it's the stress of her behaviour which is the root cause.
I turned to school as the last option available.

beyond

If you're not going to bother to read my posts, it's probably best you don't bother resounding.

you're obviously convinced the best thing for everyone is for DSD to be gone

I absolutely said the exact opposite of this a few posts ago.
What's best for everyone Is unachievable. It's about working out the 'least worst' option - and yes, that means prioritising one persons needs over another.

Posts like yours sent me into dispair when I was where the OP is now because I felt such a failure - people posting that my DH shouldn't ever give up no matter what the financial or emotional cost only made me (and him) feel more inadequate.
Sometimes, the barrel is empty and there is nothing left to give.

Very true about there being lots of advice/assemblies about online safety but they don't take any notice.
Restrictions can be set about online activity also true but only to a certain extent.

Restrictions can be set if the resident parent chooses to wake up and smell the coffe and assist with it, but she doesn't so we're completely powerless on that score. And guess what?? That's the reason why DP didn't see his daughter for 6 months previously.

We are genuinely pretty flummoxed from quite a few angles sadly

Oh I can well imagine that all hell broke loose! Have you ever had to live with a faulty broadband for a few days

Restrictions can be set if the resident parent chooses to wake up and smell the coffe and assist with it, but she doesn't so we're completely powerless on that score.

I agree. My DDs Dad and I generally agreed on Social Media restrictions from a very young age (it did take some assertive parenting on my part to begin with) and we've had no issues at all.
DHs DD not only had absolutely no restrictions at her Mums, but she was encouraged to set up social media accounts while too young and when she did things like publish my address on her FB page her Mum refused to get involved. DH reported several of her FB/Twitter accounts and had them shut down, but eventually she blocked him, only to come crying a few years later when it all went wrong.

There is sometimes nothing you can do. You just have to crisis manage.
At one point, we had monthly dramas - now, it's been nearly three years (and yes, I'm counting). I have no doubt it will start up again when DHs DS reaches a similar age, though.

Oh god, huge sympathy newNN, that sounds horredous!! How anyone wouldn't want to protect their daughter is beyond me. I hope you get that this comment is aimed at the mum not you and your DP.

Fallen- can't say I have, I dread that day though

Thanks dolly - I've come a long way but your posts have reminded me of the dispair I felt at the time.

How anyone wouldn't want to protect their daughter is beyond me.

What has helped me a great deal when considering this question is to accept that DHs exW is doing what she believes is the right thing for her DCs. Her intent is the same as mine and DHs - it's just our values as to what is 'right' are different.

I now work with teens and on occasion, I have been subject to abuse from parents when they have disagreed with a course of action I have taken to protect their DCs. Those parents love their DCs deeply and are doing what they believe is right. It does help diffuse anger I would otherwise feel, at least, most of the time!

That's a very good way of looking at it New.It would just help if everyone was on the same page so to speak wouldn't it?

You might be right newNN. We pondered the other day just totally relaxing and saying hell to it all, let's just reinforce no allowance for bad behaviour and not grovel with her to see her dad now as he's done before. That way we can carry on having a good time with DSS and FOMO might bring her back. Sadly we've had to exclude her from any contact with us on social media as she used it as a battering ram against her dad. I took him away for his 40th and she went nuts saying the money should have been spent on her. Now at least she can't use that weapon.

There is no 'answer', especially at 16 and she has been able to run away from any conflict. I had similar issues, like NN, it's pretty impossible when you try to put in structure or boundaries and they can say enough of that I'm back to my mums. Often being then rewarded for choosing a parent.

It could be well worth contacting school, young minds or other groups. It's also worth just steering a very clear consistent course. Don't react to her. Don't bend and beg for time. Make things like politeness explicit. It'll be a long time before you know how things pan out for her, hold your own course so she has at least one solid example of how to cope with life. The rest is up to her.

Thanks Bananas, makes sense and you're right about the reward for choosing a parent. We're aware that this is a factor so you've hit the nail on the head there

Bananas that's a sensible approach to take and I guess it saved your sanity!How have things worked out long term?
Dolly I hope that you don't mind but I have DMd you.

The step daughters used the ability to ping between houses as a way of punishing anyone trying to parent them. The eldest made quite a big mistake, she was like OPs - on social media inappropriately etc - she got into trouble and a terrible relationship.

Which would have been avoided if she hadn't done that, and she is actually getting the maturity now to realise this.

So it didn't avoid DSD getting into trouble, how can you when they can run to the 'other' house and the other parent just rewards them? However, by still trying to point out, advise, guide, DSD now looks back and appreciates which parent was trying to do their best, ie me and her Dad. It doesn't mean that she loves her mum less, but she is now living her life in a better way for her.

That's good to hear...so there's a glimmer of hope! I guess that all we can do is what we feel is the best in our own particular circumstances.It's just frustrating when you have the other parent not parenting!