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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Advice on how to deal with financial issue please...

60 replies

user1482413972 · 22/12/2016 14:01

Hello MN, I am in need of some advice regarding my kid's SM...I won't waffle on about our circumstances but to say that I have 3 children with my ex and we divorced 6 years ago & have both remarried. My son was staying at his Dads a few weeks ago and whilst on a day out with his SM dropped his phone & broke it, it was an accident and he was very upset (he is 12). His SM called me to say what had happened and I said not to worry just send it back & I'll get it fixed when I can, tbh I'm not in the financial position to afford it at the moment, anyway his SM decided to get it repaired anyway which she sent me a message to inform of this. A few days later my ex called to say that he felt it was unreasonable to expect her to pay for this and could we go halves on the repair to pay her back. I did't really agree either way I just sent back a message saying that she did it without my agreement and that we'll discuss another time. He felt that was unreasonable and said that she is absolutely not responsible for that cost (£120) and that could we please come to an arrangement to reimburse her....my issue is that I did not make an agreement to pay her back or for the repair to be carried out, my ex says that she was worried that my son wouldn't have a usable phone so that's why she did it but I then feel that as she made that decision she took responsibility for the cost... I'm not sure whether to be firm about that or whether I am being unreasonable about it???

OP posts:

Debrathezebra · 24/12/2016 01:39

You said send it home and you would repair it when you had the money.

She sounds sensible and kind and got it sorted so he had a working phone. Did she say anything about you reimbursing her for any of it in her text? Maybe she was just happy to pay for it knowing your circumstances. It's the sort of thing I would have done.

But your ex gets involved and suddenly there's instructions about what you should do and how and a whole load of drama. That seems to have complicated things and I think you just need to give her a call directly, thank her and say you weren't sure on what basis she'd paid for it and offer to reimburse her when you can.

I agree with Evergreen who said You may be unwittingly getting caught up in tensions between your ex and his DW about who pays for DS. Possibly his DSM is happy to do so sometimes but your ex feels she shouldn't have to, but that's really for them to resolve between them not drag you into.

ThisThingCalledLife · 24/12/2016 03:08

you should have bought your ds a cheap phone then!
you're still responsible 100% for buying a child an expensive item that you could not easily fix/replace.

what happened to treating each other with respect?
if you start being unreasonable about this then you're only creating a bad atmosphere and more tension in future dealings.

mirokarikovo · 24/12/2016 06:12

No they don't get to say that you have a "moral obligation" to cough up

They have a moral obligation not to ever incur financial consequences on behalf of someone who can't afford it without that person's agreement. If learning that lesson costs them £120 then so be it.

Don't pay.

NewNNfor2017 · 24/12/2016 07:02

I just think it's right that whoever earns the most pays the most

So you think your DCs SM has a financial responsibility towards your DCs?
Posts like this are invaluable to SMs who are experiencing unreasonable behaviour from their DPs ex - it is strangely reassuring to know that the situation is not unique and there really are people who think/behave as you do.

Debrathezebra · 24/12/2016 11:53

if you start being unreasonable about this then you're only creating a bad atmosphere

How can responding to hearing it is broken by saying "not to worry, send it back I'll get it fixed when I can" be perceived as being unreasonable or creating a bad atmosphere?!

Original poster

user1482413972 · 30/12/2016 08:41

Update, I agreed to pay her back the full amount in instalments which my ex is deduction from maintenance payments.

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 30/12/2016 21:15

In the long run I think you have made a good decision.

swingofthings · 31/12/2016 18:39

I missed something, I thought you were supposed to come up with an arrangement with your ex, not pay all of it. Whereas I think it is absolutely right you should contribute, I am not clear why he shouldn't.

OutToGetYou · 01/01/2017 00:26

Hmm, well, you might have been able to get it repaired for less, or bought the parts on eBay and done it yourself for a tenner - so I think it's a bit much being presented with half a £120 bill.

I'd offer to pay 1/3, split it between the three of you.

And buy him a tough case!

ThisThingCalledLife · 01/01/2017 01:02

he did offer her the option of going 50/50 on it....

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