Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Advice on how to deal with financial issue please...

60 replies

user1482413972 · 22/12/2016 14:01

Hello MN, I am in need of some advice regarding my kid's SM...I won't waffle on about our circumstances but to say that I have 3 children with my ex and we divorced 6 years ago & have both remarried. My son was staying at his Dads a few weeks ago and whilst on a day out with his SM dropped his phone & broke it, it was an accident and he was very upset (he is 12). His SM called me to say what had happened and I said not to worry just send it back & I'll get it fixed when I can, tbh I'm not in the financial position to afford it at the moment, anyway his SM decided to get it repaired anyway which she sent me a message to inform of this. A few days later my ex called to say that he felt it was unreasonable to expect her to pay for this and could we go halves on the repair to pay her back. I did't really agree either way I just sent back a message saying that she did it without my agreement and that we'll discuss another time. He felt that was unreasonable and said that she is absolutely not responsible for that cost (£120) and that could we please come to an arrangement to reimburse her....my issue is that I did not make an agreement to pay her back or for the repair to be carried out, my ex says that she was worried that my son wouldn't have a usable phone so that's why she did it but I then feel that as she made that decision she took responsibility for the cost... I'm not sure whether to be firm about that or whether I am being unreasonable about it???

OP posts:

Original poster

user1482413972 · 22/12/2016 16:22

My ex did suggest taking it from his monthly maintenance payments (before you jump on him it was just a suggestion!) & he was saying maybe £10 a month which I'm not apposed to but I'm to sure that would be right as I've not agreed to anything

OP posts:

Whosthemummynow · 22/12/2016 17:26

So you don't think you should pay at all??????

Chloecoconut · 22/12/2016 18:36

My son had a perfectly good smart phone but my ex chose to give him an iPhone for Xmas (when original phone was only a couple of months old). I told him there and then that if the phone was lost/stolen/damaged that he (ex)'d have to pay for it as he'd replaced a perfectly good phone with a more expensive one just to make his own point. So all repairs etc are down to him.

Our daughter has had my old iPhone and as that was my choice then I will repair/replace etc. If she breaks it at my ex's and his gf chooses to pay for it to be repaired then that's up to her. If it's done without consulting me then I'm afraid that's her hit to take. You shouldn't be paying out for something that someone else has gone without consulting you.

SomethingLikeFlying · 22/12/2016 21:09

She broke it

No she didn't. The op's ds broke it.

I think both parents should be grateful and everyone should move on.

ZouBisou · 22/12/2016 22:19

It isn't even clear whether the SM cares about being reimbursed immediately, only that your ex thinks she should be.

I think you should agree to p

ZouBisou · 22/12/2016 22:22

...pay a contribution (£60 or less if you think she paid over the odds) when you can - presumably in the next few months at some point.

If your ex/she wants immediate repayment, he should cover that cost and you can pay your contribution to him as soon as you can.

Original poster

user1482413972 · 23/12/2016 06:46

Thanks for all the advice/comments, having discussed it further with my husband about what he would do (he is their SD too) he said that it is likely that she assumed I would get it repaired as I did say 'I'll sort it' & as the kids were with them for the next few days she probably thought that if she did it it would be quicker and my son would get his phone back sooner, so felt she was actually helping by doing it on my behalf. I think the problem is that £120 is nothing to ex and his wife so she would never have thought of the cost being an issue. On reflection I should pay her back half although it is very embarrassing explaining that you have to pay £60 back in instalments!

OP posts:

cansu · 23/12/2016 06:55

Can you afford the 60? If you had been told that ut would cost you 60 to repair it would you have paid it? If so then of course you pay up. If you would have made him wait pay installments but make the point that this is what you would have done and why so they yhink more carefully next time.

Original poster

user1482413972 · 23/12/2016 07:03

Yes I can but not all at once, I might agree with ex for him to deduct from his monthly maintenance payments. I know my ex really expects me to pay 100% as I'm the one who bought the phone but at least he's willing to accept half.

OP posts:

ChuckSnowballs · 23/12/2016 07:07

Whoa.

If it broke when he was with you, would your ex pay half?

If not then why are you paying anything?

Original poster

user1482413972 · 23/12/2016 07:09

My ex has bought kids iPads & laptops in the past which have been damaged & he has always paid for repairing & replacing them as he purchased them in the first place.

OP posts:

SillySongsWithLarry · 23/12/2016 07:22

A child needs an emergency phone but not an emergency IPhone. Especially if repairs and upkeep are unaffordable. My DD has a Nokia phone that was £2.99 to buy and a sim only deal costing £1 a week. She can contact in an emergency and use her expensive gadgets in the safety of her home.

Original poster

user1482413972 · 23/12/2016 07:35

He's got an iPhone as that is what I bought him, I wouldn't just leave it broken indefinitley and replace with a cheap one, I would have got it repaired eventually after xmas, all my children have iPhones but this is the only one that I have bought (typical!) the others from their Dad. My ex has suggested that I should get insurance as he has on expensive items as they are bound to get damaged at some point, think that may be best idea.

OP posts:

Evergreen777 · 23/12/2016 09:10

I'd go with your ex's suggestion of him just deducting it off your maintenance"because it's easier" if you don't want to make a big thing of struggling to afford it. (Other opportion not mentioned so far is of course that your DS should pay some contribution, out of pocket money, though they kind of depends how much he gets)

Definitely buy him phone case, or tell him to buy himself one with Christmas money

Wallywobbles · 23/12/2016 11:38

So basically she saved you £60 so you are unhappy because it's not to your timetable. I don't think she's done any thing nasty. She's saved you time, effort and money.

Be aware that you are burning bridges. I would have done the same as your DSs SM.

But when my DSCs Mother never pays me back for anything nor thanks me I don't make the same mistake twice.

Shoe on other foot. If you are expecting to ask you DCs father to pay for 1/2 of stuff in the future expect your choice now to bite you in the arse.

NewNNfor2017 · 23/12/2016 12:01

I made a point last year of how much he needs a phone as he walks home alone etc

This line stood out for me - was the purchase of an iPhone a cause of disagreement/conflict between you and your ex?
Because in that case, as a SM, I can understand the sheer panic I would feel if it got broken on "my watch" - and can also understand the feelings of resentment over the previous drama.

If repairing it isnt a priority for you then it would feel as if you'd previously made a fuss about getting a phone for your DS just to cause problems between you and your ex.

Original poster

user1482413972 · 23/12/2016 15:19

That's a very good point Wallywobbles but I didn't ask her to do it, I think the bottom line is that I wasn't consulted and now my ex has made it very difficult for me to refuse on these grounds, if the phone had been sent back broken I would not have got it repaired until after xmas.
NewNNfor2017 - No this wasn't the issue, my 2 older daughters both had iPhones purchased for them by their Dad prior to my son getting his so I doubt there is any resentment.

Opinions are mixed it seems, I think I need to have a discussion with their SM tbh

OP posts:

ZouBisou · 23/12/2016 15:44

You were consulted and said you'd get it fixed, so it's not like it was that outrageous for the SM to get it fixed herself and think she was doing you a favour. I don't understand why you can't just pay the £60 after Xmas if you'd have spent more than that getting it fixed yourself anyway.

Original poster

user1482413972 · 23/12/2016 16:00

Yes I was about the damage but not about cost of repair, anyhow this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened so hat's why I am digging my heels in a bit

OP posts:

NewNNfor2017 · 23/12/2016 16:22

No this wasn't the issue, my 2 older daughters both had iPhones purchased for them by their Dad prior to my son getting his.

So what was the issue? Why did you have to 'make a point' last year about him needing a phone?
The impact on a SM of an ex 'making a point' about anything can be huge - don't underestimate how something that you have done can be interpreted.
As I said, I'd have been absolutely terrified if a DSCs phone bought I their Mum had got damaged on my watch - particularly if relations are strained.
As usual a SM is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't and remember it's your ex that's making a point here, not the SM, who probably just wants a quiet life

LadyVampire · 23/12/2016 19:17

What's the cheapest it would have cost to repair it OP? If I was skint and was going to shop around I wouldn't be happy someone else throwing money at it then deciding to ask me for half that money.

ThisThingCalledLife · 23/12/2016 20:47

OP, i think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. It also sounds like you're just looking to cause drama/be unreasonable.

Despite you insisting on your ds having a phone, you didn't get him a cheap phone. That responsibility was passed onto your ex.
Just like it's him who's responsible for ALL the phones/tablets and other expensive gadgets.
Up til now he has paid for any repairs and never asked you to contribute a penny.
As this happened on SM watch and it's her money that was spent on repairs, he is still only asking you to go 50/50 - even though they could by rights hold you responsible for the full 100%.

Doesn't sound to me like they are being unreasonable or are in the wrong in any way.
So this I know my ex really expects me to pay 100% is rather

They've saved you 50% off your repairs bill and your ds will not have to wait until new year. They've even saved you the angst of a kid without his phone!
That's all down to SM cos your ex would expect you to abide by the same rules as him i hope.
I doubt you would have been able to get the repairs done for £60 anywhere else.
So if money is the issue - in future, buy him a cheaper phone.

So stop with all the dramatics, such as 'she didn't discuss/ get my consent'....no, she was thinking about your ds's feelings and saving you the job.
If you haven't got the money to give right now, fair enough. Do it installments.

how difficult is it really to ring SM and say, "thankyou!" ?
i don't see how it's sooo 'embarrassing' to discuss repayment...you just need to decide whether you want it to come out of the maintenance, or whether you'd prefer to pay it in a lump sum to SM in the new year.
It doesn't sound like they would find either option unreasonable.

It sounds to me more like you just don't want to pay for it at all.

Original poster

user1482413972 · 23/12/2016 22:59

Ok, I am not making a mountain out of a molehill, I suppose the bottom line for me is that they can afford it & the cost of the repair is small for them but for me it is not so as I was not consulted about the cost prior to the repair then why should i pay it, they can more than afford to cover it, my ex is just being difficult saying that I have a moral obligation to pay it back as she doesn't have to worry about money!!

OP posts:

KellyBoo800 · 23/12/2016 23:05

Sorry OPC but I'm not sure it's right to say they can afford it so why should you contribute? If a parent was on here saying they don't want to pay their ex maintenance because "they are better off than me" they would get a bashing, and rightly so. It's not about the money, it's about the moral obligation. The SM absolutely should not have to pay for an essential repair. It's your ex's responsibility to make sure he pays her back, but I do think you should be contributing to the cost as well and reimbursing your ex for your share.

Original poster

user1482413972 · 23/12/2016 23:13

I just think it's right that whoever earns the most pays the most, she's a solicitor so i never win!!??

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread