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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

"Daddy doesn't give Mummy enough money"

51 replies

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2016 13:26

How does anyone else deal with this?

DH pays child maintenance, spousal support and maximum childcare vouchers, which comes to around £900 a month for two DC. We have them every weekend and a night a week, pay for all clothes, shoes, coats, toys, books, gadgets etc for here, birthday presents for friend's parties, and obviously birthday presents and parties, Christmas presents.

They're his children and he's happy to pay every penny of it. But getting crap about it seems unfair. We both work ft, she works pt, hence the spousal support. She got the bulk of the value of the house when they sold it so has a bigger house and a much smaller mortgage (he knows this from the settlement where it was all out in the open).

The issue seems to arise when the DSC ask her for something and she says "Daddy doesn't give me enough money, I can't afford it"

He replies, "Daddy gives Mummy plenty of money and it's fine if she doesn't want to buy you xxxx, but you need to discuss it with her".

What else would you say? Or is best to just not engage?

OP posts:

Thepurplehen · 10/12/2016 08:33

Whoever said give the money in cash - don't do that. Never give maintenance in cash, you can never prove you've given it to ex to anyone official.

My dp gives his ex a cheque passed through the kids (ex w choice to do it through kids) rather than a bank transfer so that the kids can't be told Dad doesn't pay anything.

eyebrowsonfleek · 10/12/2016 10:09

Bank transfer/direct debit with reference maintenance is easier than cheque.

reallyanotherone · 10/12/2016 11:57

She got what she was entitled to and nothing more, surely?

Depends what you mean by "entitled". IMO one partner in a relationship is entitled to an equal half of all assets.

More accurately, she will have got what the children are entitled to.

If you have a bog standard family home it is all but impossible to sell and buy two, equal value homes that adequately house children.

So usually there is an unequal split so the RP and the children keep the family home. Often the Rp cannot afford to buy the NRP out of their half, so for the benefit of the children, an unequal portion is awarded to the RP.

It often means nrp can not get back on the property ladder. It's tough, but life isn't always fair.

Thepurplehen · 10/12/2016 12:22

Eyebrows - a bank transfer is easier but the kids see no evidence of the money do they?

If Mum is telling the kids that Dad doesn't pay any money, giving the cheque to the kids shows her to be a liar.

needsahalo · 10/12/2016 13:21

Why do children need to,see evidence? If mum is lying, they will work it out for themselves when they are old enough to understand. That might not beven until they are adults themselves. There is nothing at all to be gained by putting children in a situation where they are forced to learn from one parent that the other is lying. Being allowed to love our parents whilst making our own mindsite up about the behaviour is very important. Most children love their parents warts and all. Trying to play them off against each other results in very divided loyalties - and you shold never assume you will come down on the right sode of that.

GreenGoblin0 · 10/12/2016 13:22

We've have this had this over the years from exw. we just told them it's not true and that daddy gives lots of money to mummy and also has to pay for things for children at his house etc. personally would ask your DP to mention it to exw as otherwise she will continue saying unpleasant things for as long as she can get away with it.

CointreauVersial · 10/12/2016 13:33

DM used to say that to me when I was young. In my case, ironically, it was true. Only when I became an adult/parent did it become clear what a derisory sum DDad paid in maintenance (pre-CSA). We get on fine nowadays, but I'm not afraid to call him out on this, particularly if he starts to claim credit for something relating to my childhood (e.g. the school I went to). In other words, the DCs will one day work it out for themselves.

Until then, DH should keep answering as he has been, and you can't get involved.

AndNowItsSeven · 10/12/2016 14:10

"pay for all clothes, shoes, coats, toys, books, gadgets etc for here"
Why don't they take them home?

FizzBombBathTime · 10/12/2016 16:30

really what's your point then? She/the kids go/are getting what courts or whoever has decided is fair, that's the end of it.

All too often on mumsnet women are told 'GET MARRIED PROTECT YOURSELF FINANCIALLY!!!'

well she did, so she's getting what she deserves from the divorce.

(I'm not 'picking sides' or whatever, I'm not a step parent or divorced so I don't know a lot about it but if it's all legal then I don't see how the man can complain)

reallyanotherone · 10/12/2016 16:47

if it's all legal then I don't see how the man can complain

Well from my brothers pov, he wanted to be rp but was told by the court that unless he could prove his ex was unfit (drink, drugs, abuse) residency was never awarded to the father. So not only did he have to give up his kids, his home, his car, he can't get a mortgage because he has no deposit and his rent and child maintenance costs are too high.

Personally what i think men have to complain about is legally the assets are given to the ex. Why can't the house be sold and split when the children are adults so both parents stay on the housing ladder? In brother's case apparently that couldn't be done because she was moving OM in, which meant he had to be removed from the mortgage. So he is in his 40's, living with his mum and dad, while in 5 years she will have a mortgage free house worth around 400k, and both kids will have left home and be supporting themselves.

It might be legal, but i still think sometimes there is reason to complain.

Chipscheesentomatosauce · 10/12/2016 16:48

AndNowItsSeven considering it sounds like they stay there 3 nights a week, i'd say that when they are at OP's house they are home, so why would their stuff go anywhere else? They'll have all that stuff at mums too. I

AndNowItsSeven · 10/12/2016 16:50

Clothes at least should go with the child.

satinthedark · 10/12/2016 16:51

It is wrong for her to say it. Like Cointreau , my DCs are not aware what part of sweet eff all their DF has contributed over the past 4 yrs. Eldest is now old enough to understand after I went a little mental over paying for stuff that had been lost. He asked his DF who said your mum buys that! He asked with what!! Likewise my EX likes to point out when the school trousers are too short, kids need a hair cut - never opens his wallet up and do it himself.

He earns £120K+ and for the past year has paid £250 pcm - minus if he takes them on holiday, minus his share of presents, minus his restaurant bill if he takes them out for a meal!!!

He is not paying her bluelillies - he is paying for his children.

on the OPs figures, her DP is earning in excess of £150K - so no one is on the bread line.

Am sick to death of the second families whinging that too much monies get spent on the first set of kids with no spousal maintenance and the second family struggle.

Sorry if the DF of all the DCs involved could not afford to pay for all his offspring then he really should have thought it out before further procreating.

That is not to say they can not have more kids but if they can not afford to feed, clothe and care for them all, on their salary, then stop creatng more problems.

FizzBombBathTime · 10/12/2016 16:53

Well in my limited experience really women suffer too; my dad left my mum 12 years ago and she had to buy him out of their house so she is now mortgaged up to the eyeballs. And he paid her peanuts every week when we were kids. People need to consider the consequences before marrying.

Chipscheesentomatosauce · 10/12/2016 16:55

Why?? My child has clothes at dads and clothes at mine. They end up swapped about from getting worn from one to the other, but they still get packed up eventually and sent back. Why should I have all the clothes that ex buys?

AndNowItsSeven · 10/12/2016 18:12

Chips I don't think you should have all the clothes, everything toys clothes etc should go with the child wherever they happen to be.

Chipscheesentomatosauce · 10/12/2016 18:26

Pack up and send off all toys, clothes, belongings 3 times a week between houses? Sorry, if i'm misunderstanding.

BlueBlueSkies · 10/12/2016 18:58

I have this the other way round.

Ex pays me £400 a month, for two kids. CSA minimum.He has them eow and one day in the week and half the school holidays. I pay for all their clothes and expenses. I never ask him to pay for anything extra. We both earn the same amount.

He continually tells the kids they can not go out on trips or on holidays because he has to give me all his money. Now they are teenagers and understand money a bit more they realise how little money he does give me and that he has plenty of money left over and it is up to him how he manages it.

Just ignore her. They will realise at some point.

GreenGoblin0 · 11/12/2016 09:04

so this thread appears to have been detailed by mums ranting about exes who don't pay enough money or second families "whinging about having to pay for the first family" and irrelevant comments about kids taking all their possessions between two houses every 3/4 days when this was nothing to do with the OPs issue

I don't see where the OP complained about the amount of money her DP is paying just that the DSCs mum shouldn't be involving the children in financial matters.

also don't get how the PP managed to get the OPs DH salary at 150k? or how it is even relevant? op wasn't complaining about how much is paid.

GreenGoblin0 · 11/12/2016 09:04

derailed not detailed...

satinthedark · 11/12/2016 10:27

No one has derailed the discussion - I think we all agre that neither the payer or receiver should make comments and the OPs DP is handling it well

We do not know the full circumstances but as inevitably comes up, there have been bitchy comments about how much monies do get given over:

Master ofNone - we have 2 DCS and are struggling aswell,, Dolly Parton - extension on house might have been needed and undoubtedly helps the DCs aswell!

Flippy, cointreau and I have all pointed out - it does not take long for the DCs to understand the truth. MY eldest 9 gets it, the youngest 7 does not - thinks Dad pays for everything for me!!!!!!!

Kids get more expensive as they get older, but teaching them money needs to be earned and the value of stuff helps. My 9 yr old wanted to know how much his rugby, swimming, piano and tennis lessons cost per year - all of which his DF insists he does. He asked DF how much monies he gave me and realised that the £1500 per annum for him alone did not cover the cost of them. He offered to drop one and not tell Dad so I had more monies to buy him clothes - very sweet but very sad aswell.

My point is the kids do get it and probably quicker than we give them credit for. I have never once moaned or mentioned monies to either DC. If you teach them the value of money then they do understand, how they deal with the information is up to them.

Mirandawest · 11/12/2016 13:29

I think someone extrapolated the £900 maintenance to all be child maintenance whereas we are told some is spousal maintenance and some childcare vouchers so no way to calculate the OPs DHs salary.

Markb123 · 12/12/2016 12:56

This is an interesting thread, I am also in this situation - I pay CM to my ExW and the actual amount of money she has each month from working, CM and child benefit is hundreds of pounds more than I bring home, we share the custody 60/40 - soon to be 50/50. Yet my ExW does the same - tell the kids that Daddy has more money than her, it is just categorically not true.

I wish the system could be overhauled somehow as basically she buys them cheap rubbish and just smokes, eats takeaways, buys herself nice things etc. (Okay okay I'm sounding bitter and it's probably not that bad). It would be great if there was some way of saying okay there's this sum of money between us and lets spend that on the kids alone, so at least I know it's going to a worthwhile cause

Manumission · 12/12/2016 13:33

basically she buys them cheap rubbish and just smokes, eats takeaways, buys herself nice things etc. (Okay okay I'm sounding bitter and it's probably not that bad

So exaggerating/lying then?

FizzBombBathTime · 12/12/2016 14:13

Mark you sound like a dick. HTH.

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