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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

"Daddy doesn't give Mummy enough money"

51 replies

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2016 13:26

How does anyone else deal with this?

DH pays child maintenance, spousal support and maximum childcare vouchers, which comes to around £900 a month for two DC. We have them every weekend and a night a week, pay for all clothes, shoes, coats, toys, books, gadgets etc for here, birthday presents for friend's parties, and obviously birthday presents and parties, Christmas presents.

They're his children and he's happy to pay every penny of it. But getting crap about it seems unfair. We both work ft, she works pt, hence the spousal support. She got the bulk of the value of the house when they sold it so has a bigger house and a much smaller mortgage (he knows this from the settlement where it was all out in the open).

The issue seems to arise when the DSC ask her for something and she says "Daddy doesn't give me enough money, I can't afford it"

He replies, "Daddy gives Mummy plenty of money and it's fine if she doesn't want to buy you xxxx, but you need to discuss it with her".

What else would you say? Or is best to just not engage?

OP posts:

Heratnumber7 · 07/12/2016 13:28

Nothing to do with you. Don't become the bad guy.

Mirandawest · 07/12/2016 13:31

How old are the DC? I think trying to deflect it back is probably the best thing.

As a RP who gets maintenance from XH I get a lot less than that and items are shared more between houses and I don't feel I need to have any more. Would never dream of suggesting to the DC that XH should pay more. Does your DH have a very high salary as it does seem a lot?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 07/12/2016 13:31

Say what your saying and don't engage

If it continues, I would mention it to her in passing and say it must be something the DCs have picked up at school but you are mentioning it to her so she can reassure them as they will obviously be worried.

Mirandawest · 07/12/2016 13:32

How are your DH and your finances - are they linked together or separate?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 07/12/2016 13:32

When I say "I", I mean your DH. You shouldn't get involved

reallyanotherone · 07/12/2016 13:35

Not much you can do.

I wouldn't say that he "gives her plenty of money" as that is relative. We just say dh pays as much as he can- which is true, without leaving us homeless.

Inthenick · 07/12/2016 13:42

Your DP needs to have a word with his ex. What a shitty thing to say to those children. Even if it was true, which it seems not, it is emotionally abusive and she needs to stop.

Dollyparton3 · 07/12/2016 13:44

We get this alllllllllll the time! And from the Exw who built an extension on her home last year whilst telling the kids they couldn't go on school trips.

Sadly you have to disengage from it and be sure that the kids can't get pulled in. One day they'll be able to make up their own minds. For now all you can do is rise above it.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 07/12/2016 13:45

Give her the money in cash.

Count it out in front of the children.

Shame her.

Original poster

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2016 13:51

They're 7. And we have semi-joined finances since getting our mortgage.

What he gives her comes to around a third of his take home pay.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2016 13:55

Fair point reallyanotherone. I think his view is that it's entirely up to her what she buys them, as it's up to him what he does, which is why he tells them to listen to her and discuss what they want with her, but doesn't expect the blame.

OP posts:

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 07/12/2016 18:17

We have heard it from DPs DC. DP actually rises above it and ignores it. It winds me up when I think we have two small children and are struggling while handing over large amounts of cash for her to tell her children he doesn't pay ANYTHING!!!

She also told them they split up because he drank too much when they were 5 and 6. He also didn't respond and said he will let them work it out for themselves when they're older (she left him for a 21 year old). I would have had to say something I think, but he is in the right. It's not an argument for the kids, or something they should be involved in but she uses them and wants a drama all the time.

Manumission · 07/12/2016 18:20

Give her the money in cash.

Count it out in front of the children.

Shame her.

Yes, fabulous idea. Emotionally damage a pair of seven year olds to make a point 🙄

What he's doing is perfect OP. Just rise above it and sail on.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 07/12/2016 23:56

DH pays child maintenance, spousal support and maximum childcare vouchers, which comes to around £900 a month for two DC. We have them every weekend and a night a week. I wish my ExH did this!

It sounds like his reply is fine. Just keep deflecting it back and never 'agree'. My DP had to sit down his children at one point, aged 10, 12 and 14 and explain about the maintenance to them directly. His ExW basically told the kids to 'ask their Dad' for everything - even though he paid more maintenance than the above, had bought his ExW a house and we had one child full time! (And no we are not rich, he was just pretty generous). It is frustrating and if it goes on into their teens, then just spelling out the amount of money, saying that maintenance is actually for all the child's needs, and leaving it at that.

Frustrating though!

bluelilies · 08/12/2016 20:42

We used to get out a bit, but now that they're older they have a better idea what everything costs and how much DH pays their mum and they just moan instead they their mum spends money on herself and her DP and not on them. Also frustrating but they're aware that it's their mum's priorities that they're unhappy about, DH isn't being blamed.

At 7 it is difficult, but you can say that DP gives their mum quite a lot of money, but that it's up to her what she spends it on and that their dad can't make her spend it on things he thinks the DC should have.

lookatyourwatchnow · 08/12/2016 20:49

Rotten behaviour from exw! As pp have said, your DP's response is perfect and I can't see what else he can do

needsahalo · 08/12/2016 21:03

how much DH pays their mum and they just moan instead they their mum spends money on herself and her DP and not on them. Also frustrating but they're aware that it's their mum's priorities that they're unhappy about, DH isn't being blamed

are these children going without food, warmth, appropriate seasonal clothing, access to the internet for homework, and a roof over their heads? If so, don't you think there is a need to suggest that mum is an adult and able to prioritise her money as she sees fit? why should either parent be somehow 'guilty' or 'to blame' for how they spend money?

bluelilies · 08/12/2016 21:33

I think you've misunderstood me needsahalo They're not going without any of the essentials, as I presume the OP's DSC aren't either, so yes of course it's their mum's right to choose what she prioritises. Doesn't mean they don't moan about it though, like many children who don't always get what they want. But the parent who has to accept responsibility for their decisions is the one who makes those decisions. If we were to blame her for us not being able to afford things, (because of all the money we had to give her), that would be comparable, and equally out of order. But the DSC moan about their mum's decisions because they realise correctly that they are her decisions, not ours.

flippychick · 09/12/2016 17:57

We had similar conversations when the kids were younger.

Split of assets was 75% (to EXW) at time of divorce. She bought 2 smaller houses (mortgage free) with her share, lives in one and rents the other out. We pay CM (well over and above recommended rate) and for all clothes, school trips, pocket money, mobile contracts, bus passes, Sky TV, Broadband + Phone package.

Also a few times we have paid for repairs to her house because she claimed she couldn't afford to and it meant the kids quality of life was affected (damp problem shortly after moving in, replacing the oven, repairing washing machine).

We don't struggle (mostly because my salary pays for the majority of our expenses and we don't take holidays), and my DP wants to provide for his children, so are happy to pay what we do.

It doesn't happen now, but when she was younger the eldest used to frequently tell us that we were being cruel to Mummy by not giving her enough money .

It's not forever, and in a few years they'll realise that it simply isn't true.

needsahalo · 09/12/2016 18:52

Split of assets was 75% (to EXW) at time of divorce. She bought 2 smaller houses (mortgage free) with her share, lives in one and rents the other out

What has this got to anything? Split of assets in divorce does not cover on-going costs for children. Mum could be a millionaire but the father would still have a financial responsibility towards his children

reallyanotherone · 09/12/2016 21:20

Notalot are you here just to bring people down?

Split of assets can be relevant as it iften leaves the nrp with higher living costs, not on the housing ladder, no car etc. It can significantly reduce disposable income, so when an ex moans that "daddy doesn't pay enough" she's not taking into account that any more money could leave him short on rent or car repayments. Especially if she's sat in the mortgage free family home.

needsahalo · 09/12/2016 22:41

Cos a parent with care could never be short on rent or car payment, could they?

FizzBombBathTime · 09/12/2016 22:45

She got what she was entitled to and nothing more, surely?

If he owes the money he owes the money

As for the 'daddy doesn't give me enough' - don't get involved. I wouldn't anyway.

peppatax · 09/12/2016 22:55

That's pretty generous for 3 nights a week and presumably she has them 4 nights.

flippychick · 10/12/2016 08:04

This isn't my thread and this isn't the flippy show, but feel I need to respond.

I feel that in my partners case the 75 / 25 split is relevant.

At time of divorce both had roughly the same level of income (£2k in it) - she's since dropped her hours to part time, so assuming she now earns less. Most of the assets came from the sale of the house. They could only afford to live in that area thanks to a very very generous gift from DPs father. The split was a voluntary agreement as that was how much the EXW would require to buy a smaller house in the same area - he didn't want the children to have to move away from the school (the reason they bought in the area) or their friends.

EXW fell in love with a house 50 miles away in a cheaper area so was able to afford two houses. Kids had to change schools, old school was within walking distance, we pay for bus pass to new school.

We don't struggle, but have a huge mortgage (on a small property) which won't be paid off until we are in our 70s, so retirement feels a long way off, and if I lost my job we'd be stuffed as we don't have much of a 'rainy day fund'.

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