SS doesn't want to come over ...

[36plusandtrying]

Hi all advice needed, it's our weekend to have our step son and we have a difficult relationship with my hubby's ex partner. When trying to make arrangements for the visit we were met with a snippy - it's up to him to decide if he wants to come. Which has now lead to ... he is reluctant to come (no reason given), to phone him and ask (but don't put pressure on him) to him now refusing to answer calls or texts. He is 9, doesn't have his own phone but communicates via his mum's. My thoughts are, he should come regardless as it's our weekend and he hasn't seen his dad to wish him happy birthday (nor did he text on the day) we were meant to all be together on his dad's birthday but he pulled out or pre made arrangements (the SS not the dad) ideas/ advice anyone ?? Is this the ex do you think or something deeper ??

We've had exactly this in the last week DSS is 10. His younger brother still came for planned nights but eldest one skipped a week. My DH was devastated. We put it down to the fact that there had been lots of swaps in the preceding month including their mum leaving them with us to go on holiday for a week, but of course there is no acknowledgement that this is the case. When questioned about it he said he doesn't feel welcome and Daddy tells him off too much. He has had so much attention and gifts (including extremely expensive birthday party) recently so it is very disheartening to realise none of that was acknowledged or appreciated. I know it's not all about money but my DH has also spent loads of time with them (I've worked late a lot and left them to it). Any tellings off have been justified - one example he gave was that DH told him off for running up the stairs - he neglected to mention that this was because he grabbed his brothers legs from behind and tried to pull him downstairs which led to the telling off.

Maybe your DH could say that he accepts he does not want to come this week but could he arrange to take your dSS out for lunch or to an activity just to maintain contact? In our case it's early days but he has come round.

He's too young at 9 to refuse to see is dad and it should just be assumed he's coming. Why on earth is she asking him?!

She is asking him, so that she can have the moral high ground and say ... well he doesn't want to come to you ! Yes we often have the same thing, he looks like he has a great weekend - but the minute you ask the slightest thing .... your too bossy, tells his mum and refuses to come ! Lol. Managed to get a text back from him tonight and apparently he feels lonely at ours - we don't have other children (yet) despite the weekend being filled with child friendly stuff, still not enough. At a loss as what to do next ...

They do say a 10 year old can make a decision if they want to continue contact so I don't see what much difference a 9 year old has he has his own thoughts and feelings . That being said my thought wouldn't be blaming the mother but as a mother myself I would wanting to get to the root cause of why he didn't want to go, it might be he wants to do a certain sport when access takes place, wanting to see friends or he might have issues with yourselves something you may have said taken the wrong way. Lets not try to blame mother here but maybe look at things more objectively and think what might have been the cause of his reluctance not to see his dad. Could you arrange a meeting to try and dicuss what the issues are between your DP and his SS ( It might be easier you weren't present) so he is able to talk freely and honestly.

Does his DF spent time one to one with him?

My DD is 9 and perfectly capable of deciding what she does and doesn't want to do. Of she said she didn't want to go to her dads I would tell her he might be disappointed but I wouldn't force her.

I imagine you'll have more of this as he gets older, he will want to spend weekends with his friends rather than his parents.

What would you do if you DD said she didn't want to spend time with you whatthefreakwouldiknow or stop going to school ? Would you be ok with that ?

Under the only reason that I am blaming the mum is 9 years of her being difficult / feel I have good reason to ! He only plays sports/swims with us and gets lots of time just with dad

It's like living on another planet on here sometimes. Since when is a loving dad an option for a child? Those of you saying that it's fine to stop contact at 9, what if your child wanted to quit school, stop seeing you, get a tattoo or go on a diet that only consisted of chocolate buttons?

I don't think this should be the choice of a 9 year old. This is too important a relationship to be allowed to fail. You should pick him up as normal and just do normal things - the whole weekend doesn't have to be totally child centric. Dss needs to learn to see dad's home as his home too, so not all Disney experiences but just chatting and 'being'. Spending time at home is not optional for kids.

Whenever my DH ex gets pissed off with something we do ie not running to her beck and call she gets DSS to say he doesn't want to come over. Does your partner have access arranged via courts or just with mum? Also you can't have a child deciding to go to the other parent's house outside of contact because they've been naughty and disciplined by the one they are with at that point.

36plus I've got no doubt that the Mum is playing a huge role in this but you get absolutely nowhere pointing that out unfortunately. It's one of the biggest unfairnesses of this dynamic I think. If she is being negative about your DH it is bound to alienate your step son.

I don't agree that forcing him to come is a good idea. Yes his Mum is probably not encouraging as much as she should but forcing him is not the answer. My DH just kept calling and took him to his after school clubs for a couple of nights with no overnight stays and he has come back as normal in the end.

We had this with DSD – she had silly row with her Dad over staying up late on school nights, she had a huge strop and decided she wouldn’t visit the following weekend. The ex was only to keen to encourage her – after all, it upset DH, so the ex was delighted to fan the flames – but whilst we thought it would blow over in a few weeks, it didn’t. The ex was actually getting quite peeved in the end, as she no longer had alternate child-free weekends, but time had elapsed, positions became entrenched, and DSD (who was 14 at the time) simply never came back. She’s now 25 and I think we’ve seen her once in the past decade.

Admittedly, at 25 she’s now responsible for her own actions, but I strongly suspect that if the ex had nipped it all in the bud in a timely manner, we would never have got to this stage.

I never said contact should be stopped lunar I simply said a 9 year can communicate more freely than a younger child as to why they don't want to see their DF. As the mother I would be finding out why he doesn't want to go and working to resolve the issue at hand.

I wouldn't say she should never see him how ridiculous! but if she really didn't want to go this week because she wanted to go to a friends party etc I'd let her make that choice. it's happened all of 3 times.

Not wanting to see Dad for one weekend is hardly comparable to not going to school!

The thing is the mother doesn't want to work hard to find the issue - everything revolves around him and what he wants goes ...

It's IMO all too easy to always blame the ex when in fact there are often reasons why children don't want to go to the other parent, and they're not always based on things the other parent has done per se.

I am an ex in this situation, and my DS hasn't spent a weekend at his dad's since April, although he does spend nights there during the week, but there was a stage when he didn't do that either. Even prior to that he used to stall about going on week nights especially, and the onus was on him to go as he makes his own way there (eXH lives just a two minute bus ride or ten minute walk away).

I have had conversations around his reluctance to go, I have cajoled, have told him he needs to see his dad, but short of physically throwing a fourteen year old out of the house what exactly would people have me do? If he is that adamant he doesn't want to go, and as a mum his home is here, then it's hardly good parenting to force the issue to that extent is it?

I do agree that at nine there should be more emphasis on wanting to go, but as children get older they do become capable of making their own decisions. And it's not comparable with not going to school etc.

OP your DH needs to speak to his DS, and to his ex to try to establish what the issue is. And he needs to take on board whatever it is he has to say. It might not be something he has any control over, but brushing over the reasons will just lead to more resentment in the future.

The thing is the mother doesn't want to work hard to find the issue - everything revolves around him and what he wants goes ..
I am godsmacked by this response. Why oh why should it be his mum's responsibility to sort out the issue that means his son doesn't want to visit her dad? It is really easy to blame mum systematically and expect her to sort the problem out rather than consider that the problem could actually lay with....dad and his family.

I do agree that at 9, it is too young to give up on contact and relationship with dad, but this is an issue for his dad to resolve, not his mum. If I was the dad in this situation, I would drive over there on my own and tell son that they are going to eat just the two of them, and then try to get to the bottom of what the issue is. If that didn't work, I would take him back to his mum and start again the following contact period.

There must be a reason, he needs to find out what it is himself.

I really don't like giving children the 'option' to have a relationship with a parent when they have separated. In my view children are far too young, impressionable and immature to make these decisions.

These are always adult decisions, for me this counts until they are 16. If a child is unhappy about anything with the parent, then in most cases that should be sorted out with that parent. I've seen how harmful it can be to give kids these choices first hand, my DSDs have learnt to become pampered by parents too scared to discipline them or lay down ground rules. I've seen DSDs run to their other parent after any argument, where lots of bitching goes on about said parent, it's all really, really crap!

Being able to alter times to suit a child, that's fair enough. Minimising a harmful contact, then that is OK but an adults decision.

Swing of things - I am not saying that I think she should work hard to find the issue I was responding to another user who was saying if she was the mum ... that's what she would do. My husband and ex had a talk yesterday - she believes that she has been giving him too much choice in the matter. So the 3 of the are going to have a talk and try to get to the route of the issue, if there is one ....

Petal02 10 YEARS ! Jesus, that's quite "a strop"!!

I have a sd who's 22. Haven't seen her in almost 6 years because she was told to tidy her room. Seriously, it should have blown over in a few weeks but, it's just gone on and on and caused such upset and now, I absolutetly, DO NOT WANT TO SEE HER. She's not asking to come visit and still sees her dad from time to time but I've tried so hard to sort it and it's resulted in even more upset. So I'm done (thank God).

I don't think at such a young age OP, that the child should be allowed to withhold from a relationship. That's not healthy. Do you have a family member who could "mediate" to talk things through and move on? We tried this with sd, it did no good but you never know.

Please don't end up like my poor DH. Watching him grovel and beg sd to visit was not good. I understand why he did it but, it wasn't good, for any of us.

If a child is unhappy about anything with the parent, then in most cases that should be sorted out with that parent.

I totally agree with this statement, but my experience is that it often doesn't happen. A common theme as to why kids don't want to go to see their dad any longer is that they don't feel part of the family, often because they are expected to follow the dynamism of the established flow, which doesn't fit at all with what they would like to do, or/and, they get very little time, or none at all with their dad. It becomes a 'once the point'. If they try to broach the matter and are told that they are being selfish because life can't change completely to suit them when they come, then that's often when they stop wanting to go all together.

My children still go to their dad, but mainly as a sense of duty and to see their sister. They get very bored when they are there because nothing much happens. They are expected to babysit, participate with the chores, but it's extremely rare that they go out and do anything. Their dad is often tired and wants to rest and they don't have much money to do anything. DD use that time to do a lot of her homework, DS spends most of the time watching TV or on his phone.

Thankfully for them, their dad is not putting pressure on them to go every other week-ends and is quite happy to be flexible with their visits. This has taken pressure of them and as a result, they don't dread going. I am pretty sure that if their dad had insisted that they go every other week-end without fail, regardless of what happened in their lives, they would have made the decision to stop going at all.

o the 3 of the are going to have a talk and try to get to the route of the issue, if there is one ....
That's good, hopefully it will be resolved positively. Why are you doubting there is a reason for him not coming? It might not be a valid one in your OH's eyes, but there's got to be one valid enough for him to have made that decision.

I am in a similar situation (but with a different perspective) as my ds is refusing to visit his dad when his stepbrother is there due to previous bullying. DS is 9 and is quite clear that he does want to see his dad but doesn't want to be around this boy so much that he'd rather miss out on visiting his dad than see the stepbrother. Exh has moved in with his partner and her kids, despite knowing the history of bullying and ds saying he can't be around the stepbrother. I am at my wits end trying to ensure that ds is okay and can still have a relationship with his dad.

As far as exh is concerned I am the craxy ex who clearly has my own agenda and is just trying to control his life. I have no doubt this is also the picture he paints to his partner. While this could not be further from the truth, it is very difficult and upsetting to continually be painted in this this way. Exh says I'm pathetic for allowing myself to be dictated to by a child. He accepts the bullying happened but thinks ds is ridiculous to think that it will happen in future. He refuses to properly listen to ds' concerns and fears about this and when I have raised them with exh then he tells me I'm twisting things and just trying to manipulate him. the reality is that I'd love ds to have a good relationship with his dad, but if he is adamant that he can't be in the same house as the boy who bullied him for over two years then I will support him. I would never stop contact with ds and his dad - I just support ds requesting that contact takes place away from the step brother.

I realise this is slightly different from your situation OP, but I just wanted to note that sometimes in situations like this, the ex is genuinely just trying to do the best thing for their child and the answer is likely to involve not only asking the child what the issue is about going to his dads, but also really listening to what they say and acknowledging their perspective.

History that's so sad. I do hope your ex and you can sort this out.

History - if his son was bullied for 2 years and his father did nothing? That is awful. No way would I be ok with 'oh it's. Ok now'. You are totally right to stick up for your son.