SS doesn't want to come over ...

[36plusandtrying]

Hi all advice needed, it's our weekend to have our step son and we have a difficult relationship with my hubby's ex partner. When trying to make arrangements for the visit we were met with a snippy - it's up to him to decide if he wants to come. Which has now lead to ... he is reluctant to come (no reason given), to phone him and ask (but don't put pressure on him) to him now refusing to answer calls or texts. He is 9, doesn't have his own phone but communicates via his mum's. My thoughts are, he should come regardless as it's our weekend and he hasn't seen his dad to wish him happy birthday (nor did he text on the day) we were meant to all be together on his dad's birthday but he pulled out or pre made arrangements (the SS not the dad) ideas/ advice anyone ?? Is this the ex do you think or something deeper ??

I think children just prefer to have one home and one bed to sleep in and they value that more than having two parents. Especially if their resident parent meets their needs.

I just didn't get enough out of seeing my dad to find it worth the disruption. As I got older I wanted my bed and my space. The less I saw my dad the less I missed him.

princessmona I could have written your post. I was exactly the same when my parents split. Back in those days there wasn't a big deal about 'overnighting' or EOW residentials, thank heavens - but even if there was, I wouldn't have wanted to go. I saw my dad on Saturday afternoons and sometimes after school. One bed and one home was fine for me, I didn't want or need any further homes.

Princessmona I think you're right too. When my parents split I lived with DM and saw DF for half of each holiday, so DM's house was home. When I was a TA, the more I saw of DC split between houses, especially days of the week the more grateful I was that I didn't have to do that.

But as I got older, although I spent less than half with DF as I had my own life, I never stopped contact. I went over for a few days four or five times a year, because I wanted to, not because forced to. And I continued seeing DSM and DC even after DF died.

OP as your DSS gets older he will get his own life and interests. He's not a baby anymore. Nor is he a commodity to be shared equally or it's not fair. It might be a good idea for your DH to go over, take DSS out and talk through an arrangement that would suit both of them.

Another one who I think Princess is right. My kids go to their dad, sometimes reluctantly, sometimes less so, but I do feel a massive sense of relief when they come back to 'home'.

It doesn't help that they don't have their own bedroom there, and have to share the room with their step-siblings who are away when they are there usually. The room therefore can't be made to be their and if the step-siblings happen to be there, then it turns into a bit of camping arrangement. It's how it is, they are doing their best, but they are at the age when their space is precious. Their bedroom in their residential home is their safeheaven.

I was very fortunate to have my own room at my dad's when I was a kid, but the feeling that it wasn't 'home' came from the fact that they would often talk about things that had nothing to do with me, maybe people they'd visited the previous week-end, or matters relating to my half-sister's school, or plans with my SM's family I knew nothing about. I always felt that I was a bit of an outsider to their united family whereas my contrast, I always felt that part of the conversations that were taking place at my mum's and therefore always felt much more at home there.

My simplistic view would always be if the parents were still together, the child would not get an option of choosing not to see one or other parent.
Why are children of separated parents so entitled?

"My simplistic view would always be if the parents were still together, the child would not get an option of choosing not to see one or other parent." Well, my simplistic view would be that if the children had the choice, they would choose for their parents to still be together, and as such having to go between parents wouldn't be something they had to do. Added to which, it's just not as simple as parents not being together, there is the fact that those parents move on, find new partners, sometimes take on step children, and all with the expectation that the biological children are just expected to accept the decisions the adults have made without comment or complaint.

it never ceases to amaze me that when a child expresses a wish not to stay over at one parent's the blame is always directed either at the child, or the ex, never does the parent stop and think about what they might have done to bring about this train of thought in their child.

"Why are children of separated parents so entitled?" why are separated parents so entitled? Why do they feel that it's ok to take on a new family, have a new dynamic of them their new partner, a few step kids, sometimes a couple more biological children, and that the existing children they already have shouldn't have the right to feel put out by that fact?

My simplistic view would always be if the parents were still together, the child would not get an option of choosing not to see one or other parent.
Why are children of separated parents so entitled?
But some children do choose to have very little to do with one of their a parent, even when living under the same roof, and that is when the issue is with the parent, rather than a step-parent or half/step sibling, which clearly doesn't apply. The difference is that they don't have to go anywhere else than home to have no or little contact.

I don't understand where the issue of entitlement comes into it. Of course they can be forced to do something they really don't want to do, the point is that it should be the parent insisting on it who should do the enforcing, not the other one.