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Original poster

What 5 things do you most like about your SC going back to other parent? (lighthearted)

98 replies

Bumbleclat · 23/10/2016 17:18

1.The room with the TV in being free
2.Not tidying up after her
3.No Minecraft youtube videos constantly in background
4.Being able to leave the house without countless debates on teeth brushing, suitable clothes wearing etc
5.Feeling comfortable at the dining table without having to endure irritatingly bad table manners and awkward conversation.
Roll on this evening Grin

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lhh00002106 · 24/10/2016 00:59

This is the part I hate about this website. Why is it when step mums want to have a wee vent it's always taken that we're the wicked witches and our poor poor step children have it so bad. Actually, how dare people suggest we don't care and love our step children just because we feel the same emotions as parents do? Children can be annoying. Parents and step parents can get annoyed and this is meant to be a supportive place to vent! Especially as a step parent these are things we often can't vent about with our partners. This makes me so angry that what's meant to be a support system turns in to people
Being so unsupportive and nasty to others. Are step parents not allowed to go through the same emotions as parents? Hmm

lhh00002106 · 24/10/2016 01:14

Oh and...

  1. not hearing the soundtrack to Disney infinity on loop

  2. not worrying she's gone off her old favourite meal this week

  3. "5 more minutes" at bedtime!

  4. my bathroom floor being soaked and pyjamas left on the floor

  5. my pick of the tele! Smile

Wdigin2this · 24/10/2016 09:37

Breezybeach in saying give SM's a break, I didn't intend it to mean, at the expense of the DC involved....as I think is pretty obvious!
I was a SD, I have SC and SGC, and my DC have a SM, so I do have some experience to call upon. But on MN, it appears that DC's perceeived needs, wants, hearts desires and/or demands, are always thought to be paramount to those of the SP's, or actually anyone else in the home!
Yes of course DC of split relationships are vulnerable and understandably needy, (I was myself), but they should not be encouraged to feel they are the main pivotal factor that the whole household revolves around....in fact no member of any right functioning family should be!
So I say it again....give SP's a break!

stitchglitched · 24/10/2016 09:42

I don't know why some SMs are conplaining that they aren't allowed to vent on this site. There is another thread currently running where posters are calling the mothers of their stepkids bitches and slags with impunity. Apparently MNHQ acknowledge that misogynistic language like that isn't in the spirit of the site but are making an exception for this board.

MrsRaymondReddington · 24/10/2016 09:58

stitch - maybe if you found yourself in a similar situation, you'd want to vent in the same way. Am on the other thread and can completely sympathise with some of the ex problems. Not sure the term 'slag' has been used, but maybe I missed it. A lot of SMs are trying their absolute best in their role, without much authority or final say in anything! A lot of exs are creating problems that they really don't need to, which can be detrimental to their own children.

stitchglitched · 24/10/2016 10:02

The term slag was indeed used albeit with a strike through. My point was addressing the idea that stepparents are uniquely penalised on this site, as if everywhere else is a supportive ray of sunshine. Try posting about women being slags, nutters, skanks and psycho bitches elsewhere on mumsnet and see how far you get.

NickiFury · 24/10/2016 10:22

Everyone needs a good vent it's true but there's often an undercurrent of obsessive spite towards the ex w and by extension the step children on this board and luckily that is rarely allowed to go unchallenged. It deserves to be challenged and I get so weary of the "we are doing the hardest job in the world so should be able to say what we want" lament that's used to justify the nastiness on this board. Have a moan, have a whinge, ask for advice like anywhere else on the board but you'll be challenged like anywhere else on MN if you're too nasty. Not only that, certainly on the threads I post on, the problem is generally your husbands and partners and the way they're parenting your step children not the children themselves.

NickiFury · 24/10/2016 10:24

I'd also love to see how some of the "hardest job in the world" believers would manage in my house with two children with autism, even for a day Grin

MrsRaymondReddington · 24/10/2016 10:41

I don't agree with it being the hardest job in the world, but it can be quite challenging as the boundaries are often a bit blurry, but mostly it's very enjoyable. And I hate the fact that I have many reasons to post spiteful things about the ex....I would love for us to get on, I would love to be able to pick up the DSDs on my own, chat about them, send pics of what we get up to when they're with me, but unfortunately she has made sure this never happens. I can't sit with DP and discuss this because it's not his fault and he can't change it, so MN is where I can vent.

CozyAutumn · 24/10/2016 11:03

I have three children 5 and under and it is absolutely relentless, as you can imagine. One of them has learning difficulties and at nearly 4 still isn't potty trained, I have to try and manage all of their needs when they are all at different stages eg oldest needs to do his homework and youngest needs constant supervision, they demand demand demand, they constantly make a mess, they have you up at the crack of dawn etc etc etc...
The thing that guides me through is that I love them and I'm their mum. It's a draining, knackering job that constantly makes you feel guilty because you bloody love them so much. They have their good points too and bring so much joy.

I imagine being a full time stepparent doing all of the above and everything else is bloody hard work. If it's eow and then it's a lot lot easier as you have that bit of respite.
Either way, the dsc's parent should be pulling their weight whether their child is their eow, half of the week or every day of the week. It becomes hard for a stepparent when their partner isn't on board with parenting their child.

lookluv · 24/10/2016 21:58

lunar - your post has made me sad - as that is exactly what my dscs used to say.

The issue on this forum is that some of the comments are not said in gest and are downright nasty and vindictive to humans who did not choose this situation. All the adults made their choices and the children are expected to adapt and not ruffle the new boats.

So many SMs moan about lack of respect and they should be given it and expect. Respect is earned even from a 4yr old - it is not your right.

chowchowchow · 24/10/2016 22:35

I love my DSS, however once he's left I quite enjoy going into the bathroom and not finding the loo unflushed :) table manners are a thing too!
But, the tears he sheds when he has to leave (really is a daddy's boy) break my heart. I'd have him here to live full time with or without flushed loos! It's not the hardest job in the world but it's not always straightforward either.
It's good to be able to vent sometimes btw...!

HormonalHeap · 24/10/2016 22:44

I think the problem is unreasonable expectations of step mothers. The unconditional love is just not there either way. I can understand how that must feel to a child, coming accross as not being wanted in their dad's home- but if the stepmother is kind and tolerant, is that not enough? If she tried her hardest, it just seems, from comments on here, that that's translated into "being false".

We just can't win, can we?

NickiFury · 24/10/2016 23:29

Kind and tolerant is exactly enough and what I hope for, for my DC from their potential SM, nothing more, nothing less.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 25/10/2016 00:15

I have two children of my own with special needs, the youngest with severe special needs. However I have found step parenting my DSCs a lot harder! It is a particularly stressful form of parenting, as there is no control, no or low rewards. Often the SM, like in my case, can be scapegoated.

I don't like derogatory terms either, but my DSCs ExW was and still is awful to me. I'm an Ex too for another SM, so I can see both sides. But what can you do, if the ExW is causing you directly as an SM a lot of trouble, you have to vent somewhere or dissolve with frustration!

I wouldn't have replied to this thread though, it just isn't me for some reason, but I understand the need from other people. Perhaps it is because I am actually a little too traumatised by the experience to be lighthearted about it!

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 25/10/2016 00:17

Sorry DPs ExW... not DSCs! Always posting too late and too tired... Blush

NZmonkey · 25/10/2016 01:20

Kind and tolerant is exactly enough I think the hardest part is to figure out exactly what that means. Is it kind to do DSDs hair because DH tugs so hard it hurts or is that overstepping mums toes. Is it kind to take DSD to the playground when her dad is tired or is that more. Is it kind to buy her a new jumper because hers are now too small or is that something more. Its is being tolerant to cring inside when food gets all over the floor but say nothing except to vent on MN or is that less?

Its an every day battle to know what will and will not be seen as kind and tolerant and what will be seen as stepping on mums toes, taking away dads time and duties. And all the other things we get accused on when trying to be nice

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 25/10/2016 02:03

Kind and tolerant - I so wish it were enough NZ and Nicki. I was totally naive to think that really. I was very kind, even DSCs admit that, and tolerant. It didn't matter, emotions still tended to be directed my way. Maybe I'm naive to think that most SMs are?

CozyAutumn · 25/10/2016 07:38

I don't think being kind and tolerant will be exactly enough when it comes down to it.

CannotEvenDeal · 25/10/2016 07:45

For me, the unconditional love is 100% there for my dss. I don't even think of him as 'step'. He is my son. It's a rare thing though. At least I think so from what I read on these boards.

He hasn't seen his biological mum for many years though and she's given the green light for me adopt him so it's an unusual situation to be fair.

Somerville · 25/10/2016 08:12

Oooh CannotEvenDeal - you're the first person I've seen mention a step-parent adoption on here. That's something we're tentatively looking into at the moment. Hope it goes well for you. Flowers

Somerville · 25/10/2016 08:14

And apologies to OP for the hijack. I know it is nowhere near the spirit of this thread Grin

Wdigin2this · 25/10/2016 08:29

Cannot that is indeed an unusual situation, and bloody good on you! However, it can't compare to the normal scenario, (I'm assuming as you don't mention them, you don't have a DC of your own) where a SP has to juggle the different parenting methods, different expectations, different life styles of both sets of DC. It's a hard road, and there are few rewards, especially when there is a possibly jealous, unhappy, spiteful or downright difficult ex in the mix!

Flingmoo · 25/10/2016 09:34

NickiFury I totally agree.

Imagine if you found a diary entry by your SC "5 things I don't like about my stepmum"...

There is a big difference between ranting about your own biological children and complaining about your stepchildren.

MrsRaymondReddington · 25/10/2016 09:41

Mamushka - The title of this thread isn't '5 things I don't like about my stepchildren'

And I'm sure most SC would be able to list 5 things they like about visiting parent and step parent as well as 5 thinks they like about going home!!

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