As a mum would you be annoyed if....

[Libby34]

When my DSD (4) is here, I usually do her hair because she likes me to, if I do something rather complex to her hair, I always take it out and put it in a pony tail (or something standard so it looks like OH may have done it!) before she goes home because I worry her mum won't like it. There are lots of little things like this, she likes to wear my perfume for example, and if we're going out I don't mind her using a little bit, but again I worry. Recently I was painting my toes and DSD asked me to do hers and I had to tell her that I wouldn't. I just really don't want to step on her mums toes. Anyone with experience of this kind of thing? Am I being too cautious? Or am I right to be?

Why would you not be "possessive" of your own young child? Why bother having one if you don't give a toss about him/her? Fertility is wasted on some people.

Children aren't possessions nor should they be used to point score or as pawns in a game.

Why would you not be "possessive" of your own young child? Why bother having one if you don't give a toss about him/her? Fertility is wasted on some people
I've seen some really nasty comments on MN at times but for some reason for me this is probably the worst.

OP i can really relate to how you feel. I've spent the last 3 years tying to work out what i should/shouldn't do. What will or will not be seen as stepping on toes. I'm one of those people who over thinks everything when it comes to step parenting. Thankfully DSDs mum just wants DSD to be cared for and happy which is what she is with us. Hopefully it will all get easier with time for both of us. If your DSD is anything like mine she probably tells her mum EVERYTHING so her mum probably already knows you are doing the hair and other things. Based on that assumption I would just leave the hair up when she goes home so not to send the wrong messages to DSD about it. Are you able to chat to your DSDs mum at all about this sort of stuff to see what she is happy to have you do?

I had a similar experience as a mum although when DD was 11/12. I'm not a girlie woman and actually don't believe in it. I am a strong advocate of natural beauty and focusing on inside beauty rather than appearances. I have raised my daughter with these values which I consider important.

So when her SM started encouraging her to be more 'girlie', at a time (Y7) when she was trying to forge her identity, it did annoy me a bit. DD's SM is as extreme to me as can be from that perspective and DD said to me that she made a point of saying that she would never go out of the house without make up and doing her hair, which to me is a sign low self esteem.

There was an instance when SM said she would pay for DD to get her hair highlighted in what was the fashion at the time. That did annoy me as I didn't believe in putting chemical in her hair at that age, but worse, my ex hadn't paid a penny towards maintenance for years, claiming they couldn't afford it, so I found it quite offending that they would actually have money for something so frivolous.

However, to her benefit, when I said to DD that I wasn't happy about it, they didn't go ahead with it (although now thinking about it, maybe it was DD who said she didn't want it rather than mum doesn't want me to!). In any case, to my massive relief, DD got over this self-conscious stage and then went the absolute opposite refusing to put any make up on even for her prom, and only gets a basic hair cut every 6 months! If she'd turned girlie, I would have had to accept it, but would have wondered how much her SM had influenced her, so better this way! They do get along well.

Saying that, if she'd just done the occasional hair style do or some pink nail varnish for a one off event, that wouldn't have bothered me.

I'd be fine with hair and nails (as long as you never got it cut) but I'd hate the perfume. My DD does have a SM and I'm prwttt laid back but I hate it when she comes back smelling different as it is so your perfume would be a massive problem for me.

It would give me a bit of a pang of jealousy but I would never say anything to dd because she would love the toe nail painting and it is my issue to deal with. No perfume though.

I think you sound lovely. I would also be a bit jealous but overall I'd be very happy my child was being looked after and was clearly happy when away from me. I also would never let on to the child that I was a teeny bit jealous of the bond you have because child comes first.

I'd be slightly jealous about the hair but only because I'm not particularly good at doing plaits and anything complicated! A bit of nail polish and a squirt of perfume? Not an issue, it's just a child playing and I'd be happy that she's comfortable enough with you to do these things.

OP has already said she doesn't go back smelling of perfume and always has a bath/get changed before going home.

I wouldn't be in the least bit annoyed. In fact I'd be very happy with it.

The more adults that love and care for a kid the better!

You sound like a caring step mum OP.

I wouldn't mind at all. I would rather a nice relationship form between my dc and any step parents than a nasty jealous one that lots if people complain about on mumsnet.

I don't personally like painted nails but it's easy enough to remove. Hair being done is better than leaving it in knots. Perfume is fine on clothes but not skin (I have allergies and I'm worried perfume on skin can irritate). Obviously only 1 squirt of perfume is necessary in children, coming home smelling like a perfume factory isn't ideal.

On the whole I wouldn't object and it really gets on my nerves when people do object about step parents doing nice things. Surely it's preferable to being spiteful or neglectful to the child?

I would just stick to doing her hair in plaits or pony tails. I wouldn't be putting nail varnish and perfume on a four year old. If there are tensions you would be giving ammunition to mum here and she may genuinely dislike this kind of thing.

I am rubbish at doing fancy hairstyles for dc.id be well happy for anyone else to do it.

Haven't had time to read the whole thread as I'm about to go out but didn't want to read and run -

My exP moved in with his new DP about 6 months ago. He is rubbish with our DS (6) but his new DP is fab - she does his homework and reading if he has any while he's there, bakes with him, takes him out on daytrips etc etc.

I accept that as a mum it is really hard to see someone else having that sort of relationship with your child and you can feel quite territorial and jealous. Although, as a PP poster said, it's also important to get a grip!!!

I love that he has someone when he visits his DF that bonds with him and does all the things I would do with him. It is beyond me why anyone would begrudge their child having another adult in their life who loves them and looks out for them.

I know some mums are funny about nail varnishes etc but as you've already said DM is fine with this then I really wouldn't worry.

If she does have a problem with it then that would be her problem, not yours.

My DPs both remarried wonderful people after they got divorced and I feel as though I have four parents rather than two. It didn't take away from how much I love my mum and dad but my DSM and DSD have both done so much for me and never made me feel like a burden and I love them both to bits too. Children have no limit on the amount of love they have to give and I think parents need to accept that when their exPs meet someone new rather than letting jealousy get in the way.

As an aside, if DS complained to me that his DSM had told him off the only thing I would say to him is to respect the rules of the house he's in and that she would be well within her rights to do so if he was breaking those rules. If I thought the telling off in question was unfair, I would say nothing at that point to DS, but would talk to EXP to establish what had happened and if it was unfair I'd say something to him about it. When you're together it's important to put on a united front to children regarding discipline and I don't think that changes when you're not together either, there's just more people involved and normally two separate set of rules to enforce so it becomes a bit trickier.

To me, you sound like you do a wonderful job with your DSD and I don't think you should worry about stepping on toes. I think it would be very unreasonable for her DM to feel that way

My exh partner does my dd6 nails and hair - I'm fine with it - I want them to bond and have a good relationship.

I wouldn't like perfume as it's not something I'd allow myself.

My DC's SM does my daughters hair and nails etc occasionally , I think it's lovely that she cares enough to want to bond with them . You sound like a lovely SM.

And I can't imagine DSD telling lies as she is only 4 Hhmm I think you may be being a bit naive here. They may not necessarily lie but they will definitely bend the truth to suit who they are talking to. My DSD would want me to French Plait her hair on a Monday morning because she really wanted t like it for school. DH would drop her home ready for school. One week ex told DH to tell me not to bother doing DSD hair before school because she didn't like plait and would get her mom to redo in ponytail before school. When talked to DSD about it is was obvious she wanted me to do her hair because she thought that was what I wanted and then asking mom to do hair because she thought that was what mom wanted. Kids can be real people pleasers.

Loads of great feed back thank you! This weekend she went home with plaits etc (no nails or perfume ) and usually if ex has a problem she texts DP and there's been nothing yet. I'll do her hair but probably going to draw the line at nails.

I do feel jealous sometimes when my ds talks about doing things with sm. That is my issue though and I put on a big smile and let him chat away. I would rather they had a good relationship but little things occasionally hurt.

When my DD's went to their dads they would come back with hair looking like it hadn't been brushed for three days. Because it hadn't.

I would love someone to take that kind of interest in my dc.

You are doing a great job being a step mum. One of the hardest things to be.

I have to say that I'd be delighted if you were my DD's stepmum.XH hasn't had a new partner since we divorced.
I'm not a girly type but my DD aged 14 would have great fun spending time with you!
You sound like you're doing a great job!

My ex's girlfriend (she's now an ex) used to style my DD's hair so well. Once I asked my DD to ask her to do it before we went out to an event if she had time, and she did it beautifully.