As a mum would you be annoyed if....

[Libby34]

When my DSD (4) is here, I usually do her hair because she likes me to, if I do something rather complex to her hair, I always take it out and put it in a pony tail (or something standard so it looks like OH may have done it!) before she goes home because I worry her mum won't like it. There are lots of little things like this, she likes to wear my perfume for example, and if we're going out I don't mind her using a little bit, but again I worry. Recently I was painting my toes and DSD asked me to do hers and I had to tell her that I wouldn't. I just really don't want to step on her mums toes. Anyone with experience of this kind of thing? Am I being too cautious? Or am I right to be?

She has a bath and change of clothes before going home so doesn't smell of my perfume when going home. She has only worn it a couple of times too it's not every time. It was just an example of the things we do together. But maybe I'll get her some kiddy perfume for Christmas then it won't be an issue.

I love the kids step mum doing their hair! In fact I sent DD round there when it was her prom so SM could do it.

Also, yes perhaps DP should be doing those things but she likes spending time with me, she's my little shadow! She does spend time with her dad but I guess there times when she just likes to be with me.

The child is going to your house to spend time with her father, I'd expect him to be the one taking the time to do her hair and paint her nails.

So the SM is supposed to sit in the corner and do nothing with DSC all the time that are there

Spending time with their DF doesn't mean spending every second with them!

wallywobbels I think your find that most RP who are mums wouldn't take offense to a nanny or other adult woman doing this, they will take offense to a stepmum.

I personally am of the opinion 4 is too young for perfume, but if a little girl asks her mum and she says yes and sprays a bit on her clothes then it's easy to see how a little girl sees her stepmum spray perfume and ask can I have some, what is the stepmum supposed to say in this situation?

As for stepchildren going to spend time with the NRP, not any other person in that house hold this just encourages a Disney dad dynamic which IMO is not good for the child at all.

The child is going to your house to spend time with her father, I'd expect him to be the one taking the time to do her hair and paint her nails.

Oh please. So the step mum is supposed to just hide away or sit in the corner not interacting with her?

Step parent relationships can be wonderful and important for a child who's parents are no longer together.

I think those people making judgement on painted toenails etc. are missing the point.

I would like to say I'd be glad my DS was bonding with you and enjoying her time at your home and was obviously welcome. However....when you said she's complained about you and appears jealous I would tread very carefully. Anyone who reads the step parenting posts on MN knows how tricky it can be, upsetting the mum now could really jeopardise relationships in the future. Ultimately it is about your DSD's relationship with her dad, anything you can do to support that and help things run smoothly in the future, angering the mum won't help matters.

Btw, my 4 year old DD would've loved a spritz of perfume, painted toenails or dragging my handbag around the house, or playing with my jewellery, no big deal. she's a lovely well balanced teenager now with a variety of interests (we still share a love for the girly stuff together though)

I'm a mum, a step mum and a step daughter.

I honestly think step mums can't win.

You post that you like doing hair and nails together and you get told that's over stepping the line.

But I bet if you posted that you don't engage with her and let her dad deal with her because that's who she is there to see after all () you'd get ripped to shreds for not wanting to spend time with her and do things together

I personally think that a) its nice that you want to spend time doing her hair etc and b) she's comfortable enough with you that you have that nice kind of relationship

I'd be happy that my child had such a nice and caring step parent and like that they were keen to bond with them. Surely as a parent you would want your children to have a happy relationship with all adults in their life

My two girls have always loved having their hair plaited and toe nails painted, both by me and also by their old babysitter (who did a much better job with the hair than me!). I never thought to be jealous of her - despite not being able to live up to her french plait creations.

I think it's a lovely and very normal thing to do with your step daughter and that it's great that you want to do nice things for her. Mum will only be jealous if she feels insecure for some reason. That might be the case, and if so I think you are right to tread lightly. Whilst that would essentially be her problem, as you would only be doing something nice, it is probably best not to rock the boat unnecessarily.

Also to add, on the nail polish, I have had kids over to play who have wanted nails painted. I hesitated, but did paint for one little girl - but was a bit nervous whether her mother would approve. Luckily she did but I think it's a bit of a judgement call on that one.

I'm divorced btw and have an ex who has a girlfriend - so I could be on the ex wife side of the fence. I would be fine with this and probably grateful that she was bonding with my kids rather than being a wicked step mum (yes, I know, but as a mum it is naturally a concern)

Well in some ways I wouldn't mind, plaiting hair for example, nails probably ok, not perfume. I think it would be a bit irksome over time if this developed into clothes etc - as this could be a bit like 'moulding' the child to your tastes. I'm sure you are doing this out of fondness and the best of intentions, but children can be quite easily influenced, and appearance wise I'd just be a bit cautious of overdoing it later on in her life.

I say that because my DS was constantly being bought clothes by his SM, who fancied herself as being very fashion conscious. She was being overbearing really, but my DS is very polite and would never say that to her. If she'd given him a voucher for a shop and let him choose, then that would have been fine. This carried on until she also started criticizing his clothes that I had bought for him, wanting to change his hair style, and eventually his opinions on everything. I found it quite controlling in the end and it's definitely put me off her!

You sound like a great step mum, warm and generous. Perfume on a four year old sounds a bit much to me though.

I agree that un-doing her hair sends the wrong message. As step-parents we do need to be careful of 'doing too much'..but..we also need to ignore the petty jealousy from the RP. As long as the child is happy the RP needs to get over such things. You are part of the family..not mum's replacement. I think sometimes (especially on the female side) mum's jump to the conclusion that the step-mum is trying to find ways to BE mum when in fact the step-mum is just trying to 'parent' when the child is on their watch.
My SD loves me doing her hair. Even at 13 she'll pass me her brush and bands and post on Instagram my creations. Her mum has always hated it but that's her problem..I'm not tip-toeing around her pettiness. I trained as a hairdresser but I've been told very clearly that I'm not allowed to trim her hair. Ridiculous..she'd rather spend money getting it trimmed than let me touch it.
We've painted nails but I've always checked that mum has remover at home as I can imagine that would be annoying if not.

I suppose you mean well but sending the girl back smelling of your perfume is going too far, how can the mother not be offended by that?!

By not being a jealous possessive bitch, perhaps.

Why would you not be "possessive" of your own young child? Why bother having one if you don't give a toss about him/her? Fertility is wasted on some people.

I'm also a mum, step mum and step daughter. I struggled when ex's partner did DD hair - complicated French-plait style - just before drop off at mine, on several occasions as I saw it as territorial. However I didn't say anything as I knew the issue was mine and that it would make me look petty. Plus DD loved it. Preferred to keep relationships amicable!

Wasn't at all impressed when I went to buy my DD her first bra, however, to discover that ex's partner had already done this... she has her own DD same age, so I feel should know better. Not good!

Communication is the key.

I'm 'the ex-wife' in addition my daughter's stepmum was 'the other woman' so there's a lot of complicated emotions involved. She's also slightly closer in age to my daughter than to me.

I insisted on meeting her before my daughter spent time with her, I wanted to get a sense of who she was as someone who'd be spending a lot of time with my child. We also discussed what we each were and weren't comfortable with, each had a few queries. It worked well for several years and my daughter adores her. She would check with me before doing anything possibly controversial/tricky but generally she had a good sense of what would/wouldn't be ok. The only reason its 'not working' now is my ex has checked out of my daughter's life almost completely! It's a real shame as my daughter adores her step mum and misses her.

You sound lovely and surely a step mum who DOES care about the step children and wants them to be part of her life is far preferable to the alternative.

By not being a jealous possessive bitch, perhaps

Wow. Was that really necessary?

Have you had experience of having to 'share' your child with an ex you no longer trust and a woman who is angry at the fact you exist? Even in amicable situations it is difficult. Your comment shows a total lack of understanding of the complexities - from both sides. And no empathy whatsoever.

I'd be ok with the hair and nails - although only during school holidays with the nails as my girls aren't allowed it at school. The perfume would be a no though. Fair enough let the girls choose some of their own, but to come home smelling of my ex's latest gf (whom he won't let me meet) it's a no from me (and if that makes me jealous and possessive then I'm glad I don't live in your world!).

Needsahalo agreed, totally unnecessary comment. It's an incredibly awkward relationship.

I agree that hair and nails are probably okay, but smelling of ex's gf's perfume seems wrong. The former is just having girly time together. The perfume is a tad territorial (can't think of how to describe it). Maybe buy some own perfume for Christmas.

Could you (or your partner) speak to the mum and ask her what she's okay with and what she isn't? Or maybe email her, so you can have it in writing what is and isn't okay. Also, if you frame it as asking for her permission she may be less likely to be offended.

Personally I wouldn't be bothered. I'd be happy that my daughter was being included and not ignored by my ex's partner.

My ex had the task of doing dance show hair and makeup for the first time several months ago. His partner messaged me and asked if it was ok if she did it and of course it was. I sent her photos of previous photo shoots and gave her handy hints on how to do the bun. She did a great job and I made sure I told her so.

When my ds's dd was around 5 years old she asked me to paint her toenails as I was doing mine. I had been with my dp for around 2 years at the time. My dp then received an email telling him to stop his gf forcing their daughter to grow up too quickly. I was quite relieved his ds had not asked me to do his nails or I'd have been in even more trouble. Personally I would've been pleased that my dc was obviously bonding with their dad's new partner

Mamatallica Children, even the ones that we birth, are not possessions. They are people in their own right. You can give a "toss" about your child without thinking you own them. Children who have lots of people who love and care about them are very lucky.

I'm fairly non biased, not being a step-parent but my DD does have a step-mum and I was raised in a blended family.