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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

As a mum would you be annoyed if....

70 replies

Libby34 · 21/10/2016 21:51

When my DSD (4) is here, I usually do her hair because she likes me to, if I do something rather complex to her hair, I always take it out and put it in a pony tail (or something standard so it looks like OH may have done it!) before she goes home because I worry her mum won't like it. There are lots of little things like this, she likes to wear my perfume for example, and if we're going out I don't mind her using a little bit, but again I worry. Recently I was painting my toes and DSD asked me to do hers and I had to tell her that I wouldn't. I just really don't want to step on her mums toes. Anyone with experience of this kind of thing? Am I being too cautious? Or am I right to be?

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Original poster

Libby34 · 21/10/2016 21:52

Sorry should've said, I worry that mum wouldn't like the fact that I've done her hair, not the actual hair style itself!

OP posts:

ProfessorPickles · 21/10/2016 21:55

It depends on the mum I suppose, have you met her? What is she like with you?

I feel like some would be pleased that their DD has someone who looks after her and cares for her but then on the other hand I can imagine some feeling a bit jealous and like you're treading on their toes.

It's a hard one!

DeleteOrDecay · 21/10/2016 21:57

I have never been in this situation as a parent but I do come from a step family.

As quite a non-girly mum to 2 dd's. One of which is very 'pink princess' in personality, I would like to think I wouldn't have a problem with this at all. In fact I would be happy to know that she is comfortable and happy whilst In your care and that you're making an effort to bond with her.

OhTheRoses · 21/10/2016 21:58

Not sure I understand why a four year old needs a complex hairdo, perfume or painted toenails. It would irk me, yes. Sorry.

Haggisfish · 21/10/2016 21:59

I wouldn't like dd to smell of your perfume but I've never liked my dc smelling of other perfume! The other stuff wouldn't worry me. Best check re nail varnish I think-some people are really funny about it.

mycatstares · 21/10/2016 22:01

If you put any heat on her hair(straightners or curlers) then I'd probably go crazy.

But if it's just fancy plaits that she's asked you to do for her I'd be really pleased that you sat and did it for her. I'd also have no issue with you painting her toes if she asked for it as long as it's not in term time.

Aderyn2016 · 21/10/2016 22:03

I'd feel a bit like you were treading on my toes but that doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong and I hope I would make myself get a grip. Really it's a good thing that you are building a nice relationship with your dsd and she feels happy doing stuff with you - I hope I'd be a big enough person to acknowledge that.

I think you should steer clear of doing anything irreversable though, like haircuts. That is definitely mum territory

mycatstares · 21/10/2016 22:03

Please don't spray your perfume on her though. That would really Irritate me, if she likes perfume check with her mum she can have a kids perfume with less chemicals in.

JenLindleyShitMom · 21/10/2016 22:05

Not sure I understand why a four year old needs a complex hairdo, perfume or painted toenails.

Nobody needs them. It's a bit of fun! Passes some time, facilitates bonding.

I have boys and they're not into hair and nails but also their SM takes very little to do with them. I'd be very surprised if she started doing bonding things with them but that's More because it isn't the norm rather than because I wouldn't like it.

Original poster

Libby34 · 21/10/2016 22:05

I've not met her mum no, and I don't particularly want to she's asked my OH why I've told DSD off a couple of times - one of the scenarios was true and I did tell her off but the second time was a total lie. And I can't imagine DSD telling lies as she is only 4. So I do sort of wonder if the mum has something against me, or if it was a genuine muddle up. But OH thinks there's a slight jealousy issue because when he takes the children home, his daughter often runs up to her mum telling her things about me, like what we've done together etc. But thing is ive bonded well with DSC and that's the way I want it to be, they're part of my family but it's difficult knowing where the line is because you want to include them as much as poss but not upset the mum.

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Original poster

Libby34 · 21/10/2016 22:07

Oh no, definitely no hair straighteners! I was talking about plaits and things that I know my OH is definitely unable to do

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pugsake · 21/10/2016 22:09

I'd love that you got on so well with my DD (age 3)

You sound like a lovely stepmum. I'm quite easy going with perfume and nail polish etc. I know some mams don't like it.

Honestly I'd just get your DP to ask her mam if she's ok with it.

And yes they fib I think it's a phase, mine told my mam the police had been to see her at mine (they defiantly had not!)

Bubblegum18 · 21/10/2016 22:11

I wouldn't like it if another woman was doing that stuff with my DD. I am at the situation whereby I have a DS from a previous relationship but there relationship is different. I think I would naturally feel more jealous and abit more protective over a woman and my DD than a woman and my DS because their interests are not the same. It can be hard to share your child with another woman and as someone in this situation I can admit that but I'm also reasonable. I however love that I get to enjoy moments with DD and DS2 without having another family to include.

Original poster

Libby34 · 21/10/2016 22:16

I should add I've seen her with her toes painted before so obviously mum doesn't mind her having them done, I just worry she's mind me doing it. It's tricky, I love my bond with them and would do anything for them but I understand how difficult it must be because I'm not sure how I'd feel if I were in that situation.

OP posts:

Meadows76 · 21/10/2016 22:19

If my children ever had a step parent I would 100% support them parenting my child. I wouldn't mind if her hair was done nicely, in fact I would be pleased that you took the time with her.

LBOCS2 · 21/10/2016 22:24

I would be completely fine with it and glad that my DD was comfortable enough with you (and vice-versa) to do those things - especially if your OH doesn't.

Different situation I know, but my SIL often does that sort of thing with DD1. She's much better at hair than me, I'm glad of it!

Lunar1 · 21/10/2016 22:27

Hair and nails fine, for me spraying a 4 year old with perfume would be crossing a line. I don't think that changing her hair back to look like her dad has done it is healthy at all, it's sending very negative messages and it encouraging secret keeping from her parents.

pugsake · 21/10/2016 22:29

It might go down well if your DH just mentioned it in passing like "oh DD likes Libby doing her hair and nails and I'm a bit rubbish is that ok?" kind of way.

She might take it better if you have her blessing.

I didn't realise I was so laid back.

UserOne · 21/10/2016 22:30

My DSD's mum used to hate for me to touch her hair. Some people are funny.

I personally wouldn't mind. I'd actually be happy, because at least I know my child is going somewhere to somebody who actually spends time with her and is bonding. I'd be sad if she was going and not getting along with DSM or weren't able to bond or just had an awkward atmosphere. If somebody is nice to my child, I will always like them.

pugsake · 21/10/2016 22:32

That wasn't criticising or judging anyone else on the thread

People parent differently and have different boundaries and comfort zones.

PoppyPicklesPenguin · 21/10/2016 22:33

I think responsible adults in a child's life need to be able to discipline because children are still learning (esp at 4) and if the attitude is "I don't have to listen to you because your a step-parent" it's not going to work out so well if that child isn't listening when their about to juggle knives or stick their hand in an oven (yes I know these are extremes) they need to listen to the responsible adult. I can understand it may be uncomfortable to some mums but there are a lot of good women in the role as stepmum it's not easy.

As for doing her hair, I'm glad to see some mums coming on saying it is good your bonding, this is so so encouraging as so many stepmums get such a hard time on here and they end up withdrawing so much they end up sitting in bedrooms dreading their stepchildren arriving on a Friday evening and not wanting to leave the safety of their rooms until the children return home - this can't be good for anybody at all.

Wallywobbles · 21/10/2016 22:42

This is a curious one. All our girls will ask our au pair to do their nails and DSDs mum wouldn't mind, in a way that she might if I had.

Would other mums agree that a nanny doing it wouldn't bother you but a step mum doing it would.

Mamatallica · 21/10/2016 22:45

Personally, I'd hate this. The child is going to your house to spend time with her father, I'd expect him to be the one taking the time to do her hair and paint her nails. I suppose you mean well but sending the girl back smelling of your perfume is going too far, how can the mother not be offended by that?!

Sweets101 · 21/10/2016 22:46

I've always felt that the DC's SM would only be stepping on my toes if she actually tried to rebirth them out of her own fanjo.

JenLindleyShitMom · 21/10/2016 22:49

The child is going to your house to spend time with her father

And do you think they spend all their time gazing into mum's eyes when they're at her house?

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