SC Manners

[user1476993639]

Hi,

I (25f) )have been with my DP (33m) for over a year now and first met his 7 year old DD 6 months ago.

At first, everything was smooth...the child was polite and seemed happy to see me when visiting etc.

DP and I moved in together a couple of months ago now (btw, unsure of relevance but this was into the house he used to live with his ex and daughter). Obviously, we are all spending a lot more time together.

As of late, I have been avoiding this time on purpose, especially around meal times, because his DD's table manners are absolutely horrendous! She doesn't even cut her food, much preferring to chew off large parts sometimes holding it in her hands. She speaks with her mouth full, chews with her mouth open, doesn't sit still in her chair, sometimes gets up and goes for a wander around, often spilling food all over....and often she doesn't even finish the plate. Yet DP still lets her have dessert/pudding!!! The chomping and lip smacking alone has lead me to stop eating out in public with her.

Growing up, manners and table etiquette were instilled within all my siblings and I from a very early age. I can not believe she has got to the age of 7 and is able to behave in such a way.

The last thing I sometimes want to do when I get home from work is cook a dinner - compared to say a year ago when I would eat out most nights or order in. But I'm consciously wanting to ensure DP's daughter gets all the goodness from a meal that she needs and deserves. So after sometimes spending an hour in the kitchen I feel totally disrespected when she can't even sit nicely to eat it, leaving it even, with me asking the question "why do I even bother?!" Then I also don't get the support from my DP as he rewards such behaviour with a treat!

AIBU?!?!

I have raised this - tactfully - with DP already, and his response was that he wants his DD to enjoy being a child for now, and not to have such rules unnecessarily enforced on her as she can learn this as she gets older.

My concern is that when will that time come?! Surely building on skills such as cutting up food properly, using a knife and fork, using a napkin, are all behaviours which would stand her in good stead for later life if taught and reinforced now at an early age?!

I don't know what to do?! I'm in no position to offer any form of parenting or discipline - she's not my child. But I really don't know how much longer I can go keeping silent before I end up seriously blowing up in my DP's face about it.

I feel that this could begin to drive a wedge between me and my DP, to the point where I can't eat with him when we have his DD with us as well.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

That's so shxt Bananas, I'm so sorry.

I think your DSC are teenagers at least now aren't they? Were they also teenagers when you joined their lives?

I ask because I sense that older stepchildren are far harder to crack. My DSD is now 12 and the constant eye rolling, tactics, and ability to hold a grudge for months scares the life out of me. Most of this is targeted at her poor mother.

She was 8 when I appeared and was a much simpler task. I would certainly not want to be trying to integrate myself into her life and her relationship with her father today, four years on.

for you.

It is such a minefield. Dh and I implimented some 'house rules' nothing too outrageous. Clean sheets once a week, table manners, taking your own plate out and shower / bath once a day. That's it. Turns out that dsc (tween) have complained to their dm that it's like living in a prison camp, and I've been told that if I tell dsc to do anything they won't come to us any more as it upsets them too much. Now dh is concerned about following the rules in case they decide to call their dm and leave. Sheets haven't been changed for a month, sometimes you just can't win. My dc are suffering from tiptoeing about.

Thanks LH for those kind words. My youngest DSD was 9 and she was definitely a more "open book' as it were. She seemed to appreciate that one of her parents had some stability, as the one thing I did bring, was a strong sense of it being a 'family home'. I did make a positive impact on her life I think.

The older teenagers were more tricky!

Soggy - I totally understand. I do think teenagers are guided by their parents about what is 'reasonable' to expect - and can get whipped up by a hostile parent - to everyone's cost in the end. Your DH is now in an impossible situation.

My DSD did this to my DP too, told him it was 'impossible' with me over absolutely nothing, buoyed up by her Mum who repeatedly told her that if I so much as asked for her to say Hello I was out of line. She moved out to her Mums, ignored us, and now her Mum I think is panicking as she didn't really want her back and is now hinting heavily that it is all 'too much for her' and really she is best 'back with us'. So sad really, totally undermining of my relationship with her so no, sorry, it can never work now and do you know what, not my fault and really not my problem any more!

I see quite a few single dads absolutely petrified to create any unhappiness in their homes for fear their kids won't want to visit anymore. Although I have never found that to be the case - my lovely DSC like boundaries and being competitive with each other and snitching on the other when they haven't followed the rules. Works generally fine now (so much so that I am getting quite scared that my own DS isn't going to be as well behaved and I will have a LOT of ground to make up!).
It's great that it worked for you and indeed the fact that your DSC like boundaries probably help a lot to ease these new rules. Also, it might be that although you came with new rules, you might also have come with a lot of positive changes so it was well balanced.

The problem is that many kids don't like change and like soggywet experienced, some kids take badly to them. It's understandable. They already have to adjust to new different households, so two different sets of rules, even if quite similar, in addition to other set of rules at school and many yet elsewhere. On this basis, many dads will make the choice to try to make the rules with them as similar to what they are used to at their residence. To then have to face to yet another change of rules, the reasons for which are not clear beyond 'because SM insists on them', is often not going to be received with great pleasure.

In OP's case, it's even worse because her OP has already expressed that he doesn't agree with her. In your situation LHreturns, your OH was a bit lost as to how he wanted to bring up his kids and welcome your interventions, but many dads are perfectly happy with their ways and don't want to be dictated what they should do. In many case, I was very happy with the way I was bringing up my kids, so although I agreed on some changes because some compromises needed to be made, but I wasn't prepared for my kids to make all the compromises just to please him, especially if it was something I didn't agree with.

swingofthings I completely understand and having re-read my post I felt it came across as quite naive and Pollyanna-like.

I didn't mean to do that. The main reason things worked out for me (so far) is that I got lucky with the stepkids, and as you say, my DH was up for me bringing some change about as he wasn't quite sure what good looked like anyway. It was not because I did anything extra clever - and I certainly did not.

And it also isn't all perfect. I have a very particularly special situation with my 9 year old DSS who seems very focused on the fact that this is 'Daddy's house' (and not also my house), and likes to ask about what I pay for with my money versus what his dad pays for (e.g. our holidays, cars and stuff). This really bugs me (as I work full time and would be totally independent if I were to be alone with my DS). DH jumps on this when DSS says such things but he continues. He seems to want to confirm that I am 'kept' by his father, and I have no clue where a 9 year old boy even gets such ideas.

The point I did want to make was that I agree with any SM who feels that she absolutely has a right to introduce home rules for where she lives. I totally understand that some may look other way for an easier life when DSC won't play ball, but I still believe that she has the right to contribute 50% to the way people live and operate in her home.

Anyway, I'm sorry if anyone read my earlier post as suggesting I know what I'm doing. I don't - and the other thing we have is two homes (one London during the week, and one in the country on weekends). We only have the DSD in our country home so I have a sanctuary in London which has been totally created by me. That also makes my life easier not though any achievement of my own. If the DSC want to stay with us in London when they are older then they can eat standing over the sink like I make DH. (That is only a semi-joke).

Unfortunately dsc don't have many rules at their dm's as they cause her such grief she just gives in for a quiet life - her own admission. One of her children still sleeps with her aged 13, in fact, demands that she goes to bed or won't sleep.

It was similar to op's problem, DH didn't think it was an issue that she completely ruled the house, and that as long as she was happy he was too. Didn't want to rock the boat.

I refused to take things further with their behaviour as it would have been detrimental to my dc. I have my dc always, we have dsc 3 or 4 nights a week. Joining the household together wouldn't have worked the way it was. So, we compromised and set some very basic ground rules, agreed by all. It worked for a while, then All of a sudden dsc decided it was too much for them and have thrown toys out of the pram. They are holding everyone hostage. To begin with their dm forced the issue saying that I wasn't allowed to tell them to do anything. But now she wants us to have them extra over half term so that she can go out...

Soggy that is hard. I haven't much advice except that eventually I too just had to ride a very rocky road for a while, and just 'think' in terms of what needed to work to make a relatively harmonious household for ME and my sons. I knew I was a fairly reasonable person, that I was fair, and that I was not asking too much of either DSCs or DP.

And so for a while DSCs would sometimes have their noses out of joint because I 'dared' to ask them to turn down music or clear the table, that it was OK to initiate a pleasant conversation, even if I was rebuffed, that it was also OK to praise a DSC even if I just got a 'what?' Back.

One of the DSDs decided that I was not 'her type', DP got defensive if I made even mild suggestions, and I tolerated several weeks of silent staring resentment by one particular DSD! But in the end I am much happier and have protected my DSs much more than being quiet or held to ransom. Just don't!

Frankly, many of these issues don't sound like they are actually caused by the DSC's manners so much as with their father's inconsistent/indulgent/lazy parenting.

Yes, being a single parent is really tough and some standards can slide - mine certainly did. But by that I mean tumble drying school uniform rather than ironing it, more convenience food, and the like. Not giving up on actually parenting my children like some of these men.

I reckon this comes back to the fact that in our society that fathers are judged on what they do do for their DC and mothers judged on what they don't do for their DC.