Christmas arguments again

[wheresthel1ght]

It is getting to that time of year again when the inevitable row over Christmas occurs. I don't think we are being unreasonable in asking that we alternate years so that my dscs get to see their dad on Christmas morning and share it with their sister. Their mum on the other hand seems to think that we are being utterly unreasonable and insists that they always spend the whole of Christmas with her or at best will compromise on them coming after lunch.

None of my family live near us - I would like for us to have a proper big family Christmas that for once includes my dsc. Does this make me a bitch?! Dp agrees, he is sick of being held to ransom by her but also doesn't want a row with her.

Christmas falls on their weekend with us. She normally refuses to be flexible if we need to amend contact for any reason spouting off about the importance of routine but then expects us to rearrange our whole lives when she doesn't want the kids around.

I normally stay out of it unless it is me expected to be available - like last year when I was away and I got told that I had to cancel my plans because she hadn't arranged child care for her time during the school holidays and as I was off work they were my problem.

Before anyone flames me - I have spent years trying to keep the peace and over the last 2 years have given up. She has lied to us and about us, she has lied to the children about where she is, disappeared for hours on end after dropping them with me for a "personal" doctor's appointment, called dp all names under the sun when he has refused to alter contact because we were away at a wedding (no kids not on our weekend etc) because her dp other man was tires and wanted a weekend without the kids there.

But I am sick of seeing the kids so hurt by this same bloody row over Christmas. She promised them last year they could have Christmas Eve with us and go home for lunch and then at the very last moment she pulled the plug. Everything is about her and not the kids and I am at the end of tether for ideas on how to manage the kids expectations but also support dp on fighting for what is fair.

Any ideas? Thoughts? How do other people handle it?

Swing - no we don't but you will have to trust that nothing is mentioned to them as it is pointless. We mentioned it last year after the initial agreement and neither of us can bare that look of devestation when on Christmas Eve it was all stopped.

But honestly, why can I not wish for something for my family - that includes my dsc. They don't stop being my family when they go to their mum's. They are part of and are treated as part of my family by my entire family. They are not left out of big treats, if my Granny sends pocket money for dd then she sends the same amount for my dsc. Birthdays/Xmas/Easter if 1 gets something they all get something

Coco - I do see your point. And am sewing those seeds with Dp. But I can't force him to stop wanting his fair share. And I can't stop him pushing for his ex to play fair.

Humour me and read the following please - it may help you understand why I am so angry.

I have tried so very hard to get along with their mum, right from the get go.

My dp's well meaning mum engineered my meeting the kids way before any of us were happy about. After it happened I told Dp that if his ex wanted to meet me/talk to me etc then i was fine with it. She did, we talked, she was very open about why their marriage ended hence why I know the details. her whole attitude flipped after I had dd. All through my pregnancy she was great. Lent me books, gave me bits from when dsd had been a baby. Then the day I had her it all changed. She became aggressive, antagonistic and started this ridiculous game of point scoring and damaging the kids relationship with their dad.

Maybe she thinks that dd will push her kids out of their dad's life, maybe she wants more and her Dp doesn't - I don't know and part of me doesn't care. All I care about is that her games are hurting her kids. They do not deserve that.

She either doesn't see or doesn't want to see the harm she is doing to them. When dd was rushed into hospital I was alone with all 3 kids. I begged her to come and get her kids so they didn't have to spend all their Sunday in hospital. Her son asked her if he could come home - he was scared for his little sister and he wanted his mum - he was 12 but he wanted his mum not to be left with my parents because his dad was uncontactable at work. She lied to him. She told him they had gone away and she couldn't come and get him. As we drove out the end of our street she drove passed. That poor frightened little boy looked broken when he saw her. To the point my very quiet non-confrontational step son told his mother she was a liar to her face. And she laughed at him. He learned a lesson that day that no child should ever learn no matter how old they are.

Dp and I do everything we can to shelter them. He texts/emails so that there is no danger of them over hearing anything. Absolutely everything we do is to enrich them or compensate for things she has done.

For example - dsd was desperate to join Brownies. There isn't one in our town but I am a leader in a nearby town and have been for over 20 years. So I got her a place at a unit (not mine as I wanted her to experience it on her own) & she adored it. Dss is a bit of an outsider, he doesn't have great social skills, was under assessment for asd (he was deemed to not be) so when he asked if he could join cubs we were eager to encourage it. Again the town we live in dowsnt have a group he could go to as he does St. John on their meeting night so we enrolled him in one over the road from the Brownies. He did 1 night and came out begging to go on the camp they were going on. He had never been interested in anything like it previously. He bloody loved it. He made friends for the first time in his life. He joined in sports, he got dirty, he got soaked on orienteering games and activities that would normally have seen the sort of meltdowns that contributed to the asd assessments saw that boy come so far out of his shell that he has never been the same since.

Those kids adored those activities. We paid for everything, camp, uniform, subs, equipment, everything. We did all the running about, arranged it on their contact nights with us. It didn't effect her at all. And yet she bullied them until the quit. She refused to allow them to come to us, found excuses why they couldn't have their normal contact with their dad. Only when the kids tearfully told Dp they didn't want to go anymore did she reinstate contact.

She is doing this with Christmas because the kids want to be with dad. Because they enjoy being here and she doesn't like it.

Believe me I wish it wasn't like this. I wish they weren't being dragged into it. I adore the bones of those kids. I hate seeing the disappointment and the hurt in their faces. And the fact she is the one causing so much of it makes me bloody livid. If that makes me a bitch then I hold my hands up.

She sounds horrendous. And if i were you I'd be ranting about it too. But from the perspective of having been there, it doesn't help. What is helpful is finding a way to take back some control.

For me that would be letting her have her way about Christmas and creating an event they'll absolutely love afterwards. it's not ideal - but stepfamilies often aren't.

In years to come your stepkids will come to you for Xmas, I'm sure.

She is as the above is just a mild example.

I think for dp's perspective she has bullied and controlled him their whole relationship- which I think he only really saw after they had split up. And I think he is reluctant to let her keep controlling him.

Whatever we get we will make special for them - presents, food, films, family etc. But for everyone involved it will always be s bitter sweet pill. When dss is saying it's not fair because he never gets to celebrate with us and it's their weekend with their dad so they should be here for it I think it says a lot about what he especially is feeling. As others have said another year or two and he will vote with his feet and I suspect if she keeps pushing she will find him spending less and less time with her. All we say is nothing has been decided yet and not to worry about it but he is clearly aware of her behaviour which is really sad. I suspect a lot is coming from his nan, she has always advocated for the kids to get a good amount of time with both parents and having met her s couple of times she isn't quiet about her dislike of her daughter's attitude.

I think Xmas contact in general should reflect the rest of the year. If it's equal and each parent pulls their weight then yes alternate.

If however the RP does 95% of the parenting...covers holidays, sick days, school runs etc..for example if the NRP just does one or two weekends a month then no chance. Why the hell should they get to enjoy the spoils.

Careforadrink, you bring up a good point and I realised that unconsciously, it is exactly how I felt. My kids dad has always been keen to take on the fun parts of being a dad, never the not so pleasant duties. Maintenance payments were a nightmare as he either paid very late, or more commonly not at all, until he just stopped all together. He hasn't paid for 10 years now! I worked FT so school holidays were a nightmare, but he never saw it as his responsibility to share, all he ever covered as 4 days during the summer holidays and even then I had to pester for him to confirm he would do these. He never took them to the doctor/dentist/hospital appointments/school meetings etc... and he didn't want overnight contact until they could entertain themselves in the mornings and put themselves to bed at night.

Yet when he first got with his partner, he demanded to have them for Christmas and played the whole 'you're selfish, it's not just about you etc...' game.

The reality is that I find being a single mum working FT in a demanding job with a commute, no help at all from family (and him) very hard and what got me going were the special moments when I could see the joy in my kids' eye. It did get to me that I had to save hard to get them anything considering I could just about making my budget balanced, yet he didn't pay maintenance but spoilt them rotten at Christmas, and then come back to me going about how wonderful dad was and of course, I couldn't say anything because it wasn't their issue.

So yes, as you've said, I did see it that I 'deserved' to have that special moment with them above my ex, especially as the alternative for me was to spend the day on my own as my family lives in another country and I couldn't afford to travel there during that period. He certainly didn't see it that way though.

Saying that, I don't think it is the same situation with OP as it came across from the thread that he is much more involved in their lives.

This is easy to resolve with a court order. Just get it done asap and don't deal with any drama.