Christmas arguments again

[wheresthel1ght]

It is getting to that time of year again when the inevitable row over Christmas occurs. I don't think we are being unreasonable in asking that we alternate years so that my dscs get to see their dad on Christmas morning and share it with their sister. Their mum on the other hand seems to think that we are being utterly unreasonable and insists that they always spend the whole of Christmas with her or at best will compromise on them coming after lunch.

None of my family live near us - I would like for us to have a proper big family Christmas that for once includes my dsc. Does this make me a bitch?! Dp agrees, he is sick of being held to ransom by her but also doesn't want a row with her.

Christmas falls on their weekend with us. She normally refuses to be flexible if we need to amend contact for any reason spouting off about the importance of routine but then expects us to rearrange our whole lives when she doesn't want the kids around.

I normally stay out of it unless it is me expected to be available - like last year when I was away and I got told that I had to cancel my plans because she hadn't arranged child care for her time during the school holidays and as I was off work they were my problem.

Before anyone flames me - I have spent years trying to keep the peace and over the last 2 years have given up. She has lied to us and about us, she has lied to the children about where she is, disappeared for hours on end after dropping them with me for a "personal" doctor's appointment, called dp all names under the sun when he has refused to alter contact because we were away at a wedding (no kids not on our weekend etc) because her dp other man was tires and wanted a weekend without the kids there.

But I am sick of seeing the kids so hurt by this same bloody row over Christmas. She promised them last year they could have Christmas Eve with us and go home for lunch and then at the very last moment she pulled the plug. Everything is about her and not the kids and I am at the end of tether for ideas on how to manage the kids expectations but also support dp on fighting for what is fair.

Any ideas? Thoughts? How do other people handle it?

[wheresthel1ght]

Her shining light was a text saying she doesn't want to have to put up with them all day and wants an hour off. Ffs the woman is a nightmare

[MycatsaPirate]

Dp's ex left nearly 8 years ago. He's never had his dd for christmas. Ex refuses and says that she should be home with her.

So for a few years he was allowed to go to their house for an hour on Xmas morning to watch her open presents and then later, when I was in his life, his dd was allowed to come to us after lunch for two hours. This often meant 5pm. It was awkward as my dds had opened their presents in the morning and we all basically sat watching dsd opening hers for half an hour.

[pugsake]

My DD's have Christmas with me. I'm resident parent and I had them 13 nights out of 14. Now full time but that's a different story. ExDP doesn't get to decide to have them highdays and holidays and not deal with the actual parenting in between.

And it certainly has fuck all to do with his partner what our holiday arrangements are. I can see her point tbh.

[NickiFury]

Charming 😄

No agenda pushing here, just an alternative opinion to the "she's a bitch who drops her knickers for all the men" agenda that YOU are pushing. I'm not surprised she won't co-operate with you, you sound very rigid and like very hard work. I note you didn't respond to me questioning the knocker dropping when she's actually still with the man she left her marriage for.....

[wheresthel1ght]

Leopards ndont change their spots Nikki.

Pug - in your case fair enough but dp is an active parent. He didn't choose to not be the full time parent - she had numerous affairs and then kicked him out. This is how she chose to live not him.

He would have them every day except she only permits certain days when it suits her agenda. He is not a flakey sperm donor. He works bloody hard and makes huge sacrifices to provide for her and the kids so I am sorry but the "I am having them as I do all the parenting" doesn't apply here. In fact when Dss is being a stroppy teenager she phones him or me if he is at work and demands we collect him because she can't be bothered to deal with it so actually it is quite the opposite

[NickiFury]

Yet she's still with the man she left your husband for . Just doesn't add up to constant knicker dropping really does it? Oh well, I imagine your opinion means very little to her, quite rightly.

[wheresthel1ght]

I don't think Wally care what her opinion is Nikki same as I don't really care what hers is. Once a cheat always a cheat.

[JustCallMeKate]

What this woman did before you met your DH is fuck all to do with you. If she slept with the entire country it's still fuck all to do with you.

You sound like a treasure 🙄 Tell you what love, if you said things about me (if I was the ex) like your saying about those children's mother you'd have fuck all to do with my children and I'd bloody make sure of that.

God only knows what you spout in front of those children about their mother. Bitter and twisted comes to mind.

[JustCallMeKate]

I would like for us to have a proper big family Christmas

Ps. It's not all about you ☺️

[CozyAutumn]

OP It's clear you are really fond of your dscs and I've seen your past posts about how much you adore them. I've also seen how much their mum has been quite, erm, difficult too. Wasn't it her who dumped the kids off at your work in the car park?
I reckon if you hadn't have made that comment about their mum you would have got some better responses. I don't think you sound difficult, I just think you want your family together for Christmas including your dscs. If you was to say you don't want them there then you would have been called for that as well. In other words you can't win really

Like I said up thread though, just don't let her wind you up, leave it to your do to sort and if your dscs are with you for Christmas then that will be a bonus. Hope you have a lovely Christmas whatever happens.

[wheresthel1ght]

Yes because I am a step mum I must be a vile witch and rant abuse about their mum in front of them.

I am pissed off not a nutter. Ffs you lot can be a real treat any you - hope your halos don't strangle you!

[wheresthel1ght]

Thanks cozy. The post wasn't me but yes she has done some spectacular things to harm her kids.

I won't apologise for the rant. She (and most on here) act like I am some evil bitch and tore her precious family apart when the truth is her affairs did that. Dp idolised her. Even after the affairs he begged her to take him back to try again. She has destroyed her own family and if she. Ow doesn't like that she doesn't get Christmas every year well I am not going to weep for her. She made her bed. But I get really sick of being accused and seeing other stepmum'S get accused of being the ones who destroyed families and of being the other woman when actually mum's can partake in slutty behaviour to

[CozyAutumn]

What this woman did before you met your DH is fuck all to do with you. If she slept with the entire country it's still fuck all to do with you.

And what the OP does with her life is also nothing to do with the dsc's mum. Works both ways.

[needsahalo]

He didn't choose to not be the full time parent - she had numerous affairs and then kicked him out. This is how she chose to live not him

You are strangely angry at a situation which has meant you have your partner in your life. Very odd.

[Scarydinosaurs]

I get that you're angry- but I really think you have to separate out these feelings.

If it is your DH'a weekend, I think he can ask that he keeps the arrangements and has them on Christmas morning.

It would be fair to drop them back/have them picked up after lunch?

Could your DH apply for custody and get access set in stone to stop the controlling behaviour over access?

[wheresthel1ght]

Needs I am angry that he is not allowed fair access to his children because of her life choices. The kids are miserable with this situation and that makes me sad and angry for them. If that makes me an evil bitch then so be it, guilty as charges but I will not apologise for trying to ensure my dscs are happy!

And as for the situation leading to dp and I being together, do you know what as much as I adore my dd and wouldn't change it I would rather they had grown up with both their parents.

[wheresthel1ght]

Scary - he has tried but his solicitor has pointed out and many posts on here back it up that even with that nothing can force her to hand the kids over!

[NNChangeAgain]

OP for your own wellbeing, I think you need to take a step back.

Love, care for and enjoy your DSC when they are in your company. Support your DH to maintain a relationship with them. Put firm boundaries in place so you do not feel taken advantage of.

But do not act as an advocate for these DCs against their parents. It is neither your place, nor your fight. These DC have two parents, whose job it is to ensure their wellbeing is maintained. If their parents don't do it the way you approve of, then there is nothing you can do.

If you get Christmas with them, then great. If you don't, then make alternative plans at a time when you will be with them . Their childhood memories should not be littered with family feuds. And if their mother is spoiling for a fight, it's up to you to protect them from that hostility - even if that means accepting her way of doing things until they are old enough to act for themselves.

[JustCallMeKate]

. Dp idolised her

You sound insanely jealous tbh. As I said, what the woman did in her life BEFORE you met your DP is fuck all to do with you. Cosy there was never any mention of what the OP does with her life. None at all. To make comments that OP has is, well, disgusting IMO.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Wheresthe - I can understand why you want your dh to have the joy of Christmas morning with his children, and I understand why you are so cross at seeing him and his children unhappy - that shines through, for me.

I hope that he will get to have a proper Christmas with his children this year - but if his ex is difficult about it, could you quietly postpone Christmas and do it with them - or do a second Christmas? I realise this would be lots of work for you and your dh, but it might go some way towards giving him and his dc the family Christmas they want.

[wheresthel1ght]

SDT thank you! And it is what we will have to do it just makes me so angry for them all that her demands are supposed to be the only ones anyone pays heed to when actually it should be about what the kids want.

And Just I am far from jealous. I do not need validation from being placed on some ridiculous pedestal. That sort of relationship is immensely unhealthy.

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

You could go for 50:50 through the courts. Or even full residency. I sure the courts wouldn't like the idea that the ex dp doesn't want the DC in the house when his kids are not there.

There is time for bring flexible and accommodating and a time for digging your heels in when one parent is taking the piss. It will be costly but it will save all the faff further down the line.

[LineyReborn]

OP I've always found it helps to think of Christmas as The Christmas Season, and make Xmas Eve and Boxing Day just as special. Lots of fairy lights, a lovely tree, some little gifts and nice food ... some European / Scandinavian traditions as well as British ones and stories about St Nick.

It helped me deal with some hugely complex times with various complex humans and situations.

[wheresthel1ght]

Liney I think that is what we will end up doing to be honest. And the kids will enjoy whatever time they get with their dad it just smarts that they never get that big day with them. And it isn't just about Christmas, if their birthdays fall on their days with their dad she vitos contact.

Jingle - I have suggested that to dp. We were looking at going for that in the new year however my employer has just halved my hours so it may take longer to save up the money as I was helping him to get the money together. Although I guess the point remains that how do you enforce it? If as she does now, she flatly refuses to hand the kids over who enforces it at that exact time? Court appearance would be days at best and months at worse after the refusal so becomes meaningless as a means or recourse.

[wheresthel1ght]

I mean 50/50 not full residency as neither of us think that would benefit the kids and would only do more harm to the kids.