Full-Time Stepmother desperate for help!!

[shirleyann]

Hello, Please Help.
Looking for advice from step-mothers. I have 3 step sons (ages 14,12,9)and a 19 month old of our own. my stepsons live with us - visiting their mum 2 nights a week. Their dad was on his own with them for 5 years before meeting me. I have to admit, rather foolishly, that I find it difficult that they still don't view me as a mother figure of any kind even after 3 years and show no respect towards me. When they come in from school I now just let them do their own thing as it innevitably ends up in arguements otherwise. Apart from being told that nothing I do is as good as their mum (which unfortunately makes me feel rather insecure about the way I am mothering my only son), their dad has an unusually "very friendly" relationship with her. Phone calls are jokey and rather intimate and she always manipulates him into doing what suits her. You may think that there sounds some jealousy on my part - I suppose yes in many ways it is. I would love for our weeks/weekends to be planned in advance (to include what is suitable for us) and for the boys to realise that I do everything for them because I think of us as a family unit. I care for them all very much. Should I back off and try and be more of a friend or keep trying to make our house a happy home. Lost for what to try next.

Can't offer any advice, but would just say that with a 14 yo ds of my own, they often seem very self centred at that age, regardless of family situation.

You sound a bit of a hero to me!

I would say that at age 9 and up children are quite independent and often prefer to do their own thing. I think the stepfamily thing is always going to be difficult, no matter what the circumstances tbh. Are your ss's with you every weekend? Do you want to explain more about why they live with you rather than their mother (given that this would not have been a common outcome 5 yrs ago...) - if you would rather not say I'll understand.

I feel more of a hopeless case than a hero. But thanks fairjay for the reply. Its been a challenge to learn about motherhood for the first time whilst trying to learn about boys and their habits. I must admit to being so excited about all the "firsts" of everything with the baby. But its been quite lonely, as its not exciting for my partner or my stepsons. However, now I just need to know what I can do to make it a happy family and one we can all enjoy. I am currently so stressed and uptight even at the thought of them coming home from school.

Hi Kteepee. SS are with us 5 nights out of 7, including weekends. Thats what was worked out before I joined them. Simple explanation of one party leaving to experience new childless ventures.

I'm a bit for your ss's that their mother doesn't have/want them every other weekend- so she doesn't ever have them for whole days? Also hard for you to do things that are age-appropriate for everyone including your toddler at weekends. Could you not renegotiate the contact arrangements or would that feel like you were letting your ss's down?

Goodness, I wish it could be worked out. I have tried that many times. They only see their mum for a couple of hours before going to bed twice a week. No actual quality time really. But thats what is suitable for her. Subsequently their dad and I get all their frustrations vented on us. Also our toddler is picking up bad habits from his brothers because of the age difference. Nobody is willing to change the arrangement, sadly.

Then, looking at it objectively, they are not being realistic if they say you are not doing something as good as their mum - because in fact it sounds like she does very little for them... You probably know that a lot of their "attitiude" must come from the hurt they feel at being rejected by her - because that is what she has done imo. Not that understanding why they act in a particular way makes it any easier to deal with....

If their mother is unwilling to have them at weekends, would it be possible for you to arrange something, say once a month, where the older two at least go to a friends house for the day (or even a sleepover) - that way you could go for a day out with your ds and the 9 year old to a zoo/farm/soft play - something the older two would find too babyish?

Oh and btw I am not a stepmother or even mother to teens myself so feel free to tell me I am talking a load of rubbish at any time!

Kteepee, I wouldn't dream of saying its useless information. Glad to find this site. Its all good suggestions.
As you can imagine, SS's dad is very keen to do lots with them all together at the weekends, to make up for lack of interest elsewhere. But if I took the youngest and our toddler for days out it might work better. Doesn't quite make it a family outing, but would be a good start.

Hi Shirleyann, I can totally and utterly sympathise with your situation. I am full time step parent to three (11, 15 and 16) as well as my own two (dh and I don't have any together), bm died three years ago. Respect and understanding is something that I also need, it is so difficult being a parent full stop but living in the shadow of bm or deceased bm can be sooooo hard. Wish you all the best in your situation.

Meimallsmiles, so nice to speak to people in similar situations. Does it get harder the older they get? For a while I thought we were all quite close, but about a year ago it started to fall apart. I know it upsets their dad. Eldest ss is so against me at the moment, arguing over nothing and seems to want to grab his dads attention even if we are simply chatting about our day. Middle is just unwilling to see anyone elses point of view. Both of them play me against their bm at everything, including cooking and cleaning. However if I try to discipline them when we are on our own, dad never backs me up. He always lets them off with it. I don't really want to be constantly saying ask your dad, check with your dad, as if I don't have a brain.

Shirleyann, we've only been all together for three years but we have had a lot happen in that time. Like you I thought we were all getting on ok but I think we have all stopped making the effort to get along. Also like you, dh doesn't always back me up when things start kicking off, it's quite a delicate situation I know. Obviously I don't really have the comparison bit to my face with bm but behind the scenes who knows. This year I really have 'tried to not take it personally' when I'm ignored etc, I just carry on as normal, including them in conversation etc, and I just hope that one day they will realise that I'm not the wicked step mother. My situation was that dh and I were going get together with my two but then ex wife died to I was hurled into step parenthood with an extra three!!

God, it's so hard isn't it. I have 2 ss age 20 and 17, but have known them now for 8 years. They were never rude or argumentative with me, but it's still hard. They live with us full time, and always have. They didn't want to go and live with their mum, and don't see her very often.

I think yours may be partly an age thing, they have both got much better as they have got older, and are really nice kids .

I did read somewhere on some step parenting site, about absolving responsiblity, (I,m not sure that is totally correct!)

Anyway it means standing back and waiting for dh to take initiative, dealing with all their problems, and not dragging you into it at all. This is what we do, there are still problems of course, but on the whole it has worked. I would never ever dream of disciplining dss ever, and never have, even when they were much younger.

Don't know if this helps. I think the hardest thing is when they never visit absent parent, and are with you nearly all the time. Sometimes you want a break from your own kids as well as someone elses!

I do not view myself as any sort of mother to them and never would, ever. They have a mother already, and my role is more of friend or mentor. I suspect that may be where some of yoyr problems are coming from. If they already have a mother (even if they rarely see her) you cannot adopt that role. Try standing back and being more of a friend. I know this is an approach endorsed by stepfamily experts

Also how long have you been living together as a family, it is meant to take 8 years to shake down as a stepfamily. We are currently on year 5 and it has got much easier.

Are they not interested in your child? I found this has united us more than anything, the whole family ADORE dd age 7 months.

I also found it very very hard to adjust to living in an all male household. Guitars, Top Gear, hate it all! Remember at first didn't even dare to leave tampons in bathroom!

Its something you will battle with every day. Do I stay or do I go.

Keep your dignity and keep the home fires burning. That little brood will soon be off and running in a few years.

Stop trying to keep household happy. It is not just up to you! What is dh's excuse when he doesn't back you up?

Also, hate to say this, but don't count on them being off and running in a few years....there is absolutely no sign of this in our house, none at all. Remember KIPPERS, and boys are worse than girls with this IMO

Well that's what I kept thinking as well!!!
But as I said still no sign!

Live in large city with 2 uni's and exp house prices. No need to leave to go to uni, and can't afford house.

I, on the other hand, couldn't wait to spread my wings.....but boys are vv different IMO

Well that's what I kept thinking as well!!!
But as I said still no sign!

Live in large city with 2 uni's and exp house prices. No need to leave to go to uni, and can't afford house.

I, on the other hand, couldn't wait to spread my wings.....but boys are vv different IMO

lots of good advice.
I know what you mean about friend and mentor rather than mother figure. It is sometimes just a nice thought to have them love me like that. Hopefully in years to come they might appreciate me being here. hmm
ss's, like yours, adore 19 month old ds. That has been a blessing for sure.
Will in future back off and try to stay chilled and de-stressed, as I hate myself for being so uptight and out of character. I can see that dh and I have lots of discussing to do, Anyone know books that would help, or website addresses - like the one you mentioned. SO GRATEFUL. thank you

There is one, I think it is called stepfamilies UK. However I stopped going on it, because it was full of people MOANING all the time, and it made me feel much much worse about anything.

I have read books, but they all seem to aim at younger stepkids, ie 4 or 5, and TBH I think that is completely different and much much easier. Very little on "older" kids I found. Website "Raising kids" is pretty helpful as well.

One book I did read said something like "if you met dd when his children were older, or in teens, that you may never have a close relationship with them" I think sadly this is true, certainly in my case. All primary bonding has finished by that age.

Often feel stressed, uptight and resentful, but try and ride above it, by thinking, "I would hate anyone to resent my children, through no fault of their own" They didn't ask to be in that position.

HTH!

Hi again,
Backing off seems to work with the middle ss, he is now just doing what he wants but not taking it to extreme. My younger ss seems to now follow me around needing my attention. He is being very helpful and sweet (like his old self). However, my eldest ss is getting angrier at my non-commital to arguements. It seems to make him mad that I am not biting. I thought I was imagining it, however dp noticed it and actually backed me up and dealt with it himself. Maybe that was because it was in front of mum-in-law (dp's mum)! Last night I made a special tea, then at supper time ss's were eating treats in lounge whilst dp & I had Valentines meal. Tried to make all feel special, but eldest started thumping the other two making dp go through to see what was happening countless times. Then eldest came to hang around beside us. Seems that he doesnt feel secure when dp & I are alone. Suppose its never easy pleasing everyone. Had heart to heart with dp and he admitted that he had noticed the aggression and moods ss's were taking (only 10 months later!!)and he will try to deal although he doesn't like being too strict with them. To be able to get a seat in our lounge would be a nice start, instead of 2 ss's taking up 5 seats by lying on them and refusing to move.

Oops....ranting a bit I think!!

We had colonization of sofas, so moved tv into other room! Marvellous . Me and dp have a sofa each now.....no tv mind, but blissfull blissful peace and privacy.

Glad situation sounds better. Eldest ss must feel insecure, if he is kicking off like that. Has dh spoken to him about it!

We are all swimming to keep up in stepfamilies IMO, what really pisses me off is the amount of housework they generate. I think that is my biggest bugbear of all