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Original poster

Am I being selfish?

26 replies

izzybobsmum · 07/02/2007 12:47

My family consists of myself, my dh and my dd (1) with my ss (12) living with us for half the week. My dh and I would like to move away from the (grotty) town we live in and start a new life somewhere else in the country. We always said that we would wait until ss has finished secondary school before we go (in 5 years time)and then he could make his own decision as to whether he came with us or not.

However, my dream job has come up and I would really like to apply for it. It would mean moving down south but is a great career opoortunity for me. My dh has told me to apply for the job, but is fairly unenthusiastic - he has said that he would move, but I don't think he actually means it. Is it too much to expect my dh to leave his ss behind now? I would love it if his ss came with us, but I think he would choose to stay with his mum. He would miss his sister, whom he adores, and is it fair to take her away from him?

My dream job probably won't come up again and it seems such a shame to miss the opportunity to move away from the grotty tow we live in - a town which I really don't want to bring my dd up in. Your opinions would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
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Rhubarb · 07/02/2007 12:50

Yes it is selfish.

His ds is 11 right? I think your dh's priorities should remain with his ds.

Rhubarb · 07/02/2007 12:52

Sorry.
I know it must be hard but you have to realise that this is his son, he has already been through a break up and no doubt your dh is very protective of him.

Too often stepkids are pushed to one side. I'm not saying this is what you are doing, but your ss should really be your ds, there should be no difference.

dejags · 07/02/2007 13:01

yes you are.

five years is not a lot in the grand scheme of things and a child should always take precedence over a job.

there must be nice parts of the town you live in - perhaps a move closer to home might be the answer.

gigglinggoblin · 07/02/2007 13:02

would you leave your dd for your dh to get a job? its exactly the same.

Surfermum · 07/02/2007 17:54

You aren't necessarily leaving him behind. How far away will you be? Could he still come to you for weekends or is it too far? And how do you think he would feel about it if contact were changed?

Your dh will understandably be torn I suspect between wanting to maintain the same level of contact with his son, and supporting you in your desire to apply for the job. It's a tough one and he's probably in an impossible position.

If I'm honest though, if you were posting that his mum had announced that she were moving away to take up her dream job and contact was being reduced I would think that was unfair, so I guess the same applies here. Sorry.

I'm not sure selfish is the right word for it. It's just another of those situations where as a step-mum you have to accommodate the fact that a step-child exists and you end up not necessarily making the same choices in life that you would have if your partner hadn't already had children. And that can be hard at times. And then you have the added dynamic when you have your own children of wanting to do what's best for them, but not being able to.

I feel for you - I hope you work something out.

anniemac · 08/02/2007 10:59

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Message withdrawn

colditz · 08/02/2007 11:01

You can't reasonably expect your partner to want to leave behind his child for the sake of you getting a job. Would you leave your child behind? You shouldn' ask this of him, TBH.

kiwinat · 08/02/2007 11:02

You really have to get on with your life, you can't be held back by your dh's eldest child. He can have quality time with is dad in the holidays can't he?

WanderingTrolley · 08/02/2007 11:05

Sorry, agree with everyone else, especially gigglinggoblin.

Would you leave your daughter for a job?

Sorry.

I can see you're tempted by the great job, but in the grand scheme of things it just isn't a goer.

Suspect your dh is wanting to support your career in encouraging you to apply, but you already know he doesn't want to move, don't you?

Mumpbump · 08/02/2007 11:07

How far away would you be? Would it be possible for you to get a small flat/bedsit near your place of work and come back at weekend? Have just had this conversation with dh about the possibility of his working in Geneva. If he didn't mind living away from us during the week, I wouldn't have a problem as he hates his present job and I would much rather see him happy. Unfortunately, I couldn't get a similar job outside of London and wouldn't want to give up my work which I like anyway.

But, if I situations were reversed, I wouldn't ask him to move away from his children from his first marrage.

dejags · 08/02/2007 11:11

Sorry Kiwinat, I couldn't disagree with you more.

This is a young person we are talking about. The OP's DH has a responsibility to this child which should not, under any circumstances, be shirked.

anniemac · 08/02/2007 11:19

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sunnysideup · 08/02/2007 11:41

I'm afraid I don't think you're in a position to move - you are your dh's son's home for half the week and you can't move out of the area. Simple as that.

I think your first plan was great, wait till he finishes secondary school.

I do understand this must be a dream opportunity for you but I feel your dh's first responsibility is to provide a stable home to his son who has already been through a split family situation. It would be very very unsettling for him to experience a divorce then have his dad move a long way away.....Five years is not long in the great scheme of things.......

swift1 · 08/02/2007 16:21

HI Izzybobsmum,

Im a step mum, and agree with the majority on here. Yes it is to much to expect your dh to leave him behind now. WOuld you leave your dd at 11?

Part of being a step mum is sometimes making personal sacrafices that perhaps you wouldnt have had to make had your dh not had children already. You accept that your dh had a son when you married him, and so you cant just leave him aside for a job.

You may feel that its unfair - its a job for you that you want, and he's not your son, but thats the deal you signed up for.

Kiwinat - completely disagree with your comment about being held back ny dh child. Children do hold you back, thats what happens when you have kids, you put them ffirst. Im sure she'd let herself be held back by their own dd, so why not his ds?

nzshar · 10/02/2007 17:42

Just saw this and also agree with the majority that you cant expect your dh to move away from his ds at this time.
My dp has a ds now aged 13 have been with him since dss was 7. I went into this relationship as you must have knowing that there was already a tie between father and son and never ever would I come inbetween that. My dp is a very hands on dad as is your dh by the sounds of it (have him half the week)and even this reduced amount breaks my dps heart I would never ask him to see his eldest for holidays only. Kiwinat I find your response very strange and dont agree with it 100% obviously.

brandy7 · 10/02/2007 18:08

youre being out of order even expecting him to think about it, no wonder hes unenthusiastic. ive got a 12year old son and its a very confusing time of their lives anyway with the hormones kicking in. like others have said, you wouldnt leave your dd

TheDecorator · 11/02/2007 12:07

I agree with the consensus but don't agree with Rhubarbs comment that there should be no difference between your own child and step child. Unless you are very lucky, which admittedly I haven't been, there can be a huge difference in feelings between your own and step children.
I'd stay RIGHT away from trying to split your lives between two towns. Two of my friends have tried it and in both cases it was a disaster.

beansprout · 11/02/2007 12:16

No job is worth this. You can't take his dad away so you can have a job you like. No, no, no. Hasn't the boy been through enough? These teenage years are difficult enough as it is, without making it harder.

belgianmama · 11/02/2007 12:26

Who says your dream job will never ever come up again. I'm sure that it's not the only such position in the whole of the country. Besides in 5 years it could come back up again somewhere else. For your dss sake stay where you are and your dh might possibly not forgive you for making him chose between 2 people he dearly loves.

kiwinat · 13/02/2007 16:31

I've worked in the construction/engineering industry and children don't hold you back. Making a child the centre of your universe is asking for trouble later on in life (have seen what empty-nest syndrome does to people). Children adapt very well to circumstances, and in my previous jobs, have seen families travelling the world, kids more open minded and happy to experience new ways of life. So should our child miss out on this life experience just because DH happens to have another child to someone else? If BM wanted to move again (recently has)we wouldn't hold them back.

colditz · 13/02/2007 16:35

I don't think refusing to move 200 miles away from one of your children is exactly making a child the centre of your universe.

I would have been destroyed if one of my parents had moved away when I was 12.

colditz · 13/02/2007 16:36

Plus, tyhe 12 year old isn't expected to adapt to a new and fun life, is he? He'd be left behind, without his dad.

kiwinat · 14/02/2007 08:08

I had to cut my post short yesterday, but a bit of background before you start thinking any idiot can have a child.

I am a step child, a step-sibling, a half-sibling, a step-mother and will be a birth-mother in June. For various reasons I didn't see or have contact with my birth father from age 2-26 (short, boring story). I lived in NZ, he in Oz. I am glad I did get to spend a few years (27-31) with him as he died 2years ago, as they were preparing to fly to our wedding. As I had a step-dad, I look back and have no regrets at all about it, it was an extreme example and not ideal for everyone. My step-dad's two older children lived with their mother about 3hrs away from us. They would spend each summer holiday (6wks) and one other school holiday (2wks) each year with us, and maybe the odd long holiday weekend. My mum also made sure that dad called them every week to keep in touch. They also had a step-dad and to his credit took on his last name as well when they were adults as a tribute to him. They are the most rounded, socially well-adjusted people I know. One now has her own children and is a fantastic mother. It appears it was more settling for them to visit this way rather than being shuffled around during the week between two houses, or being picked up every weekend. They would have missed the chance to form the lifelong friendships that they have now, in the town they grew up in.

So now with our child on the way, does he have to miss out on knowing my family in NZ and Oz, and growing up in a much better environment for children with a fantastic outdoor lifestyle because my husband has an older child that lives with her mother in England? There are pros and cons in every decision and when involving people, someone will always miss out, you just have to decide who you'd rather that was.

Imagine your ss delight at being able to experience some of your life when he visits on vacation. It will be an exciting time for him, something different from the normal, and could help broaden his horizons as well.

Despite all our opinions, views and rants, unfortunately the decision rests on your shoulders and you will have to live with it, however it turns out.

Original poster
izzybobsmum · 14/02/2007 09:46

I have read all your posts with interest, and I don't think that the majority of your responses surprise me in any way, I suppose I half expected to be lambasted for daring to be so selfish.

What I would say, though, is this: (and it'll probably spark another debate)

My ss struggles with the 50:50 arrangement at the moment, as his mother has a very different approach to parenting than we do and he is continually adapting between two completely different sets of rules and sometimes doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

I also read an article in the Times newspaper a couple of months ago that said that studies showed that it was actually better for children of divorced parents to spend the majority of their time with one parent, and in our case, I can see how this could be true. I think this made me a little more hopeful about a possible move away, with him coming down for the holidays and having fun with us then.

Surfermum was absolutely right when she said "It's just another of those situations where as a step-mum you have to accommodate the fact that a step-child exists and you end up not necessarily making the same choices in life that you would have if your partner hadn't already had children. And that can be hard at times. And then you have the added dynamic when you have your own children of wanting to do what's best for them, but not being able to."

Contrary to what Beansprout said, I'm not actually sure we're making his teenage years any easier by making him shuttle constantly between two homes when all his friends live near his mum and he has no friends to hang out with when he comes to us. His friends relationships with each other are developing and he's not there half the time to be part of it.

Anyway, the upshot of it is, the application's in the bin....

OP posts:
Surfermum · 14/02/2007 10:21

Oh I'm sorry Izzybob's mum. We're under no illusion that there may come a day when dsd decides she wants to stay at her mums at weekends so she can be with her mates - although she does have friends here too that she wants to see more of and she's asked her mum if she can come to us more often (it hasn't been a flat no from her mum, which is progress, but she hasn't said yes either - we aren't holding our breath!).

I think I tend to agree that splitting the week isn't necessarily the best thing for the child. When dsd was little we always found that she needed time to adjust between one home and the other, and I think her mum found the same, so she'd have been all over place if it were every week.

Maybe it will come from your dss that he wants to spend more time with his mates and ask change the arrangements and come in the holidays instead, and then you won't be the bad guy.