Extra nights with step child

[lhh00002106]

My partner and I have been living together for a year and a half now with his 7 year old daughter. He has 50/50 custody and we have always managed to work with a good system which we are all happy with. However, recently we have been having his daughter on extra nights and whilst this is not the issue, I'm happy to have her, I don't like the way in which he tells me. He TELLS me we are having her without any consultstion with me. He doesn't ask if I had plans or if I'd mind us having her extra. I don't know is this is me being selfish or not? And I'm not sure if it's really fair for me to feel annoyed about this but I just wondered how others would feel or deal with this? At the end of the day it changes my days and my plans when we have her extra and I feel like, as the partner who also lives in that house I should be consulted before decisions are made? Basically I'm asking if I'm being unfair and if not, how do you think I should tackle this without it seeming like I don't want her around? Thanks!

This is far more about him respecting my needs at least as much as his ex wife's needs. Yes totally agree LH! It is much less about DSCs and respect/welcoming, although some DPs (like mine) seem to take it as a refusal of this children. It is much more about including an SM as someone who is not just an invisible, background, second rate outsider!

This is far more about him respecting my needs at least as much as his ex-wife’s needs

EXACTLY. When DH and I first got married, I felt that whilst I had the title of “wife” it was actually his ex-wife he was desperate to keep happy. I bet quite a few people her can identify with that.

Dear god Petal and Bananas I agree.

Most of our early arguments were related to exactly this point. What DH saw as simply managing things carefully to maximise his time with his children, I saw as a repeated examples of where ExW's priorities (and changing priorities) were more valuable than mine. Once he understood how that made me feel, we became much more aligned. And she saw that we weren't sitting at home waiting to 'jump'.

I remember one of our big fights when I burst out laughing at something he said and asked how it felt to be so 'pussy-whipped' by someone he claims to not even like anymore. He went absolutely crazy because he hated that idea so much. Helped in the end.

LHReturns - I can completely understand why you came out with that!!

DH, who generally manages to stand up for himself in all other aspects of life, just became his ex's b*tch (as I put it), and was absolutely terrified of upsetting her. With hindsight, I suspect he feared she would withhold access if he failed to be obedient. Ironically, on the odd occasion when he did go against her wishes, she 'punished' him by trying to send DSS to us for extra access visits (gnerally at ridiculously inconvenient times). And of course it never crossed DH's mind that he could say 'no' to her .....

So you can see how DH was controlled by fear, and you can imagine the stupid situations he'd get us into, and the rows that followed.

I lost a lot of respect for DH during this period.

My DH ex controls access as punishment for not doing what she wants too. Can relate to everything others have said.

Thanks so much for all this - very helpful and good to know what people think from
Both sides.

update my partner has 100% understood where I'm coming from and is much more co siderate. To the point that all last week SD was away on holiday with her mum so we didn't see her at all. I assumed we would have her on her weekend home even though it wasn't our weekend because we hadn't seen her. I didn't expect to be asked because I figured this was just what would happen. But he did ask. And of course, that was 100% ok (and expected) but the point was he made sure we didn't have any plans already on what was initially not our weekend. So I'm short - things are good 😊

Sometimes I think I can forget that though this is the first time for me with a step child, it's also the first time for him with a partner as a step mum. We're all learning!

Great update. That's a key, if you, your DP and to some extent your DSC are willing to include you in the equation and adjust a little, VERY positive!

Great OP. Makes a big difference being asked.