Extra nights with step child

[lhh00002106]

My partner and I have been living together for a year and a half now with his 7 year old daughter. He has 50/50 custody and we have always managed to work with a good system which we are all happy with. However, recently we have been having his daughter on extra nights and whilst this is not the issue, I'm happy to have her, I don't like the way in which he tells me. He TELLS me we are having her without any consultstion with me. He doesn't ask if I had plans or if I'd mind us having her extra. I don't know is this is me being selfish or not? And I'm not sure if it's really fair for me to feel annoyed about this but I just wondered how others would feel or deal with this? At the end of the day it changes my days and my plans when we have her extra and I feel like, as the partner who also lives in that house I should be consulted before decisions are made? Basically I'm asking if I'm being unfair and if not, how do you think I should tackle this without it seeming like I don't want her around? Thanks!

whichever PP compared it to telling their partner that their parents are coming to stay - well this is totally different. The parents would be guests, whereas the child is visiting one of their two homes

But in practical terms it's the same - if there's someone extra needing dinner/breakfast, a bed to be changed/made up, maybe a collection or drop off, In that respect it's exactly the same.

And just to note that not all children view themselves as having two homes - DSS (and DH) seemed quite happy to view DSS as living with mum and visiting dad. There was nothing negative about that, it's just how they viewed things. When you've got an EOW situation, I can understand how the home where you spend the most time is deemed to be the 'main' place of residence.

I also find that i don't have to get out of bed for my parents once or twice every night because they need a drink or to go to the toilet or because they have had a bad dream. And i especially don't have to get up with them at 5 or 6 am when they wake up on a Saturday and Sunday morning like i do with DSD. My parents also tend to wash their own sheets when they leave, bring food with them and will often cook for all of us, rather than all these tasks falling to me with DSD. I use my parents as an example because they have their own room at my house and some of their clothes etc so they dont have to bring them every time they visit just like DSD.

I think if i had your set up swing" where my DH expected nothing of me in regards to looking after his daughter i wouldn't expect him to ask first before we had her for extra nights. But in my opinion DH has created the set up where i'm expected to do so much so therefore he has created the set up in which he has to ask. In saying that i will still never say no to DH unless we are going to be out of town or something like that.

And just to note that not all children view themselves as having two homes I think this is also a very good point. DSD views our home as hers slightly more now that we have more nights with her but she used to make it clear that her mums house was her home and she just visited dads house when she was EOW.

I had an incident a couple of weeks ago where DSS was to come over at 6:30pm and his mum had not even fed him (the arrangement was if DH picks up DSS after school she gives him tea etc as his bedtime is 8pm) and I was expected to last minute find a meal to cook despite dealing with a 5 month old teething and running the home (DSS expects things instantly and DH doesn't change that). Really frustrating that DH and his ex cherry pick.

If DH and his ex want me to take responsibility with the child they have to give the same equal say (medical etc being the exception of course - not my place with DSS). They can't expect me to have no say and to just deal with consequences (this is a general thing not just extra nights) that they choose. They seem to want it every way and shift thw work onto me and DSS step dad.

ghost I had exactly the same at one point!

DSD, then 15, was supposed to have dinner with her mum after school as the regular contact with her mum, and then come home about 6, she lived with us. DP would come home at 8pm. At one point, without any warning, DSDs Mum let her come straight home from school - I found food last minute, again and again. I asked DP, he had no idea. I texted the ExW and spoke with DSD to say please just let me know in advance, so I could have dinner.

DSD said 'it was none of my business' (backed up by her Mum) and DP said he was 'caught in the middle'.

I explained that if both parents wanted to just let a child do whatever they wanted that was fine for them, but not on my shift as it were!

And to add that this is a DSD who has fainted in the past through lack of food, and has avoided homework until the school intervened. Therefore would agree with if they want me to take responsibility with the child they have to give the same equal say.

He can then check if you have something booked for two of you before agreeing to have his DD or if he still wants to have his DD, arrange a sitter for her

So it's OK for the OP to arrange her partner's life without telling him but he should inform her of everything he wants to do for approval?

It is a tricky one I think, because as a PP said your house is one of the child's two homes and as such there shouldn't need to be asking about having the child there ever. On the other hand it is naive to think that it really doesn't need to affect the SP having the child over unexpectedly. It is very likely to affect them.

I think you are being reasonable OP as you say you wouldn't refuse, just want the courtesy of being asked. I think you should talk to your DH about this unemotionally, explain factually why these things affect you and ask him to either ask you to maybe just let you know in the future. If its the "letting you know" option then he needs to be ensuring he takes responsibility for any subsequent plan changing or difference to schedules/chores whatever and tries to make it up to you or pick up any slack.

Recently there was a day where plans kept changing, one minute DSS was coming over with his friends then alone then not at all. It affected me as I'd be the one cooking, would have to go put and get food, sacrifice other (trivial) stuff I'd planned to do straight after work in order to make an earlier dinner and also changing whether I'm then having an evening slumped in front of the sofa watching an inch old friendly box set with DP being largely switched off after a long day at work, or in family mode chatting to DSS and/or having his friends in the background. Anyway, the whole thing was all supposed to be off, I had got home from work after a stressful day, lowered myself into the bath and then got a call from DP to say DSS really wanted to come round after all. I ended up saying if he really really wanted to OK, but I'd prefer it if him and DP went out for dinner/cinema together as I was not in the headspace to get out of bath and start a DSS-routined evening! And thats what they did.

An inch old friendly DVD = an un child friendly DVD!

OP - you are most definitely not being unreasonable. Your DP and his DD need to respect your agenda as well as their own.

If he doesn't tell you in advance, then don't make any changes to your plans. If changes need to be made, extra food needs to be bought etc, then he needs to step up.

I have years of stepparenting behind me and, despite having always been firm about needing to have a routine around when the DSSs are with us (I don't actually care whether it is 0% or 100% of the time but I do need to know, several months in advance), I still get landed with last minute arrivals and changes of plan that completely throw my other plans.

I think after 6 years of step-parenting, this is the issue that grinds my gears the most.

I am very much a parent to my two, as well as my own two, I have to be, or it wouldn't work. However I'm always mindful of not overstepping.

I also work full time various shifts.

I get really pissed off when DP arranges something with sdc and then presents it to me at the last minute as a done deal.

To my mind, it shows real lack of consideration and respect. I would never say no unless there was a really good reason, and I don't feel he should ask my permission, although that's how it always comes across. Having said that, it's common courtesy to consult the other adult in the house about arrangements regarding any of the dc, because it affects both of us.

He still doesn't do it, and it drives me insane.

*ghost I had exactly the same at one point!

DSD, then 15, was supposed to have dinner with her mum after school as the regular contact with her mum, and then come home about 6, she lived with us. DP would come home at 8pm. At one point, without any warning, DSDs Mum let her come straight home from school - I found food last minute, again and again. I asked DP, he had no idea. I texted the ExW and spoke with DSD to say please just let me know in advance, so I could have dinner.

DSD said 'it was none of my business' (backed up by her Mum) and DP said he was 'caught in the middle'.

I explained that if both parents wanted to just let a child do whatever they wanted that was fine for them, but not on my shift as it were!

And to add that this is a DSD who has fainted in the past through lack of food, and has avoided homework until the school intervened. Therefore would agree with if they want me to take responsibility with the child they have to give the same equal say.*

It pisses me off with mine as he is such a laid back Disney dad and I have to remind him to do simple things like ensure SS homework is done or bedtime and I have nowhere to retreat. I sound so selfish here but when I moved in with him it was when I as told it's weekends only and my reluctance to change that only started when ExW kept saying it's "none of my business" then moans to me when DH does something different.

The issue is definately with the parents and not the step kids. There is one thing accepting my partner's kid but when he and his ex expect me to bend over backwards to fit in with their own lives as though I have to take care of the parents too and then get a hard time then I just cba.

The whole ExW/ SS thing has played such a huge part in the breakdown of my marriage.

It's just courtesy isn't it, to run things past each other? DH checks with me whether there's any reason why DSS can't swap his days in case he's forgotten we're not around, and if he's specifically expecting me to do anything like pick up from school he will ask directly.

But the general assumption is DSS is welcome always, we always have emergency quick teas available for him in the freezer, and DH doesn't expect me to do any actual hands-on parenting. All the cooking and making packed lunches is done for love, not obligation.

I also think it depends on how comfortable the child / step parent relationship is. I had one DSD who was respectful and considerate of me, and so if she came around without warning, even if DP was away, I could negotiate directly with her in a reasonable way. In fact she just slotted in with us really easily, and it wasn't so much of a chore to get her extra dinner etc.

My other DSD expected me to cook, clean for her but was rude to me and not always nice to the other younger kids. So when she turned up unexpectedly it was quite difficult, even with DP there.

NZ why are you doing all the night wakings for your DSD? Where's your DH?

Queen I get up because DH is a heavy sleeper and when I try to wake him to tell him DSD is here he tends to get real mad at me or her or both. Or spends the entire next day in a horrible mood with us because he is tired. Its so much nicer to just do whatever DSD needs than get verbally abused in front of her at 2am. Thankfully she is a lovely little girl so I don't mind.

She might be a lovely little girl, but her father is a useless bastard.

I think there is a huge difference between informing (rather not at the last minute) and having to ask. I would be mortified if I had to ask my OH if it is ok that my children stay at home one week-end they are normally at their dad, and the main reason why it would actually anger me is that it would imply that it is his house and that he was only kind enough to let us stay there under specific rules. It would make me feel like it is not my home and can imagine how my kids would feel.

Informing is just normal decency, but then it doesn't just apply to SC. I wouldn't have friends over without letting him know in advance either.

In terms of finding yourself changing plans at the last minutes with teenagers, I'm afraid that's part of being a parent indeed and annoying! I work long hours and have an active life, so with all their change of plans at the last minute, I have on occasion actually lost my mind as to who is in the house, who is not, and whether I'm supposed to cook/pick up one of the kid. One time I totally forgot to pick up DD!

One common phrase in our household is 'where's X'!

I feel the real issue here is being the situation that you have no initial control over. The new arrangements are set between M & D...this will always be the case and you are the outsider. Sounds harsh sorry, but this is the reality of SP'ing...there's no right or wrong way, but being entirely flexible helps it from not eating away at you...

Helpful input DoinItFine

I'd agree that informing and asking are different - asking does acknowledge that the other person has a certain amount of power in the house. Informing implies that they have none. And if the ExW just informs as in my case, it definitely felt like another adult had more of a say on what happens in our house with me and DP, felt very wrong!

It was to be a joint thing for me and DP, hence why I would want to be asked. In practice I wasn't even informed! Which is one of the reasons our relationship almost broke up.

What DoinIt said.

Sorry to derail OP but NZ why are you with a man who verbally abuses you and a small child? Are you an indentured servant? Sorry but it sounds really fucked up love.

@lhh00002106 Im in the same situation as you. My OH has a 5 yo DS and Im never ever asked about dates or extra days. We have DSC for two weeks soon and I wasnt even asked about it. Its my house too and it changes my day and my routine with my own DS. There is more strain on me during SC stay but that is a different matter entirely. You are not being unreasonable to desire to be asked about dates its not like youd ever say no (and neither would I!) But it would just be lovely to be considered. Tried to talk to my OH about this and he just went ballistic and accused me of denying him time with his DS like his ex did. So Im just not going to bother again. If I was to ever leave my OH it would be because of things like this.

Think DH has demonstrated yet again why he asks before DSD stays. I've told him tonight (which is our usual DSD night) I need to stay at my grandmothers house as she is coming out of hospital with a head wound and lives alone. So DH who has a head cold has said to DSDs mum she can't stay at ours tonight.

Agree 1000 times with everything Bananas has said.

My DH would always ask me if my DSCs were to be with us an extra day/night than originally planned and expected.

His ex wife plans the DSC weekends and holidays with us MORE than a year in advance. I am very happy to make that commitment to her/them (and DH always shows me the draft annual schedule before agreeing to it).

But in return I expect to be asked if my weekend/evening could be impacted by a sudden change in any way (good or bad) before agreeing to it. If it will have zero impact on me e.g. I won't even be there (we have two homes - DSC mainly stay with us at country home) then DH wouldn't mention it to me. But other than that he would always ask because he knows he might not have considered some detail that would impact me.

My DH would never trot out the 'It is their house and they can be here whenever they want'. We do a million things to ensure they know how adored and welcome and wanted they are with us. This is far more about him respecting my needs at least as much as his ex wife's needs. And making it clear to her that we aren't here to be pushed around. We have successfully got quite a few precedents in place on this kind of stuff and it makes a big difference.

So happens that I love my DSC being with us as much as possible (we have a DS who at 2.5 adores his siblings and is a lot less hard work for me personally when they are with us). So I am far more likely to make a fuss if suddenly DSC AREN'T going to be with us as planned. Especially as I am now 8 weeks pregnant and spending most days with my arms wrapped around the loo. Bring on the DSC as much as possible I say!