Will I ever not feel this way?

[rosymermaid]

My OH has 3 children. 7,9 and 12 and without waffling on, we have been together 7 years and I only met them 4 years ago. This was difficult and I wanted so much to be apart of their lives.

Now 7 years on, OH and I have our own DD and the kids come and stay every other weekend.

My issue is that I do not enjoy them coming round at all, in fact I dread it. They are very good children but are very lively and want my OHs attention constantly.

I know some people will think I am a nasty cow and I really don't need to be told that. I do not like feeling this way.

I always put on an act when they are there because I wouldn't want them to know how I feel. They are only children and it is not their fault.

My OH have a great relationship and the only arguments we have are over his kids.

Are they any other step parents who have felt this way? Did it ever change? How did you get over it?

You are really reading too much into what I am saying. It is laughable to say I am jealous (you know nothing about my life or job) But I know that you have made your mind up. So that is fine. No offence but I know how I feel and someone giving me bad advice or claiming they know I am jealous on a forum is not going to bother me.

Oh and 4 days being too much ( if you paid attention to my post) is something that I do not think is too much. The point of my post is how I struggle with the 4 days (and asking advice)
I am not expecting or asking them to be here less.

I don't think it was a dig, it was a defence. Things have been presumed which are probably not the case and being in a similar situation, it's not 4 days out of 30. Her DSC are in school the majority of the time, unlike young children. Me, DP and our DC aren't out having family days out every day of the month, My DP has probably 5 free days a month max. Say 4 are spent with his DC, that leaves us 1 day a month to spend time together, get DIY done, trips to the tip, shopping etc, while supervising 2 small children.
His DC get more quality time with both parents than ours will get when I'm back at work, which I'm guessing is also the case for OP (and no, I'm not jealous, just stating a fact). We've been trying to find time to paint the kitchen and pick a new floor for 3 months. It'll probably take another 3 years
Life with a lot of young children isn't easy and add in DSC and its nigh on impossible sometimes and I cry about it. It's awful and stressful and truthfully, of course I wish it was different. I don't think anyone's ideal is having step-children if they're honest.
Lookluv is obviously very upset and damaged from her experiences. The comment that he puts his job before his children is laughable. He works hard to set an example to his children and meet their basic needs of a roof over their heads and food, clothing etc. for effectively two families. Of course he could rely on state handouts and have his kids half the time and pay no maintenance, but still with NO child benefit and NO child tax credits etc. coming in, because they go to the DSC's mother so their child would be homeless and starving. But he'd have more time for his other 3 DC There are plenty of families where one parent does all/most of the work outside the home and works long hours. Why is it suddenly unacceptable if there are step-children? Is it unacceptable that my children don't see their Dad in the week because he's working until 7/8/9? No. Because they're being cared for by their OTHER PARENT. Just like her stepchildren are. It is of course, not ideal, but they aren't being abused or neglected. That was the arrangement from before. People need to get a grip.
It's totally off topic and not the point of OPs post. I know it's good to have other opinions, but there are some people on step-parenting who just purely come on to vent their own anger at their situation, make other people feel like shit and pick at every irrelevant comment.

I would like to add, so it isn't presumed, that DPs ex chose the amount of contact, has withheld contact when she was upset he wouldn't double her agreed maintenance payment and over other ridiculous things, like being held up in traffic in for 10 minutes on an hours journey to pick them up (which she wouldn't contribute anything to). Oh...and she left DP for someone 15 years younger and kicked him out the house but told him he still had to pay for EVERYTHING. Which he did. Now....can someone please point me in the direction of the topics where I can have a go at all mothers of step-children where it remotely relates to my negative experiences please? Thank you

Re the telling off - if it's something that I'd tell my own kids off for then I do tell my DSD off - the same as I'd tell off one of my children's friends if they were at mine and did something out of order.

Never assumed your DP left his EX - but most pegnant married women with 2 older DCs do not leave their partners when they are about to drop IMHO.

You are having a dig at the EX -you obviously resent her in your ast few statements- I worked 50-70 hrs per week depending on the month - but I still managed to get my DCs to school, sorted out after school care and was home 3 schooldays per week to cook tea. My EX had them ON about 35 times in 4 yrs.

I then sat when they were in bed and worked till 2300-0000 most nights.

Separated parents have to adapt, your DP didn't, he chose to work and provide financialy for his two families just neglected the emotional side.

I was very hurt by what happened to me and yes it does take time to get over. What you never get over is seeing the hurt on your DCS face when the NRP - fails and fails and fails. He has finally admitted to me he put his new DP ahead of his children - we all knew it, just took him 4 yrs to figure out his kids are fab, fun and love him regardless of his fuckwittery.

I get you are struggling but your comments have slowly become more derogatory and resentful of his EX and the DCs. Ever considered why you resent the youngest one so much?

I think that you both need to discipline them. It's your house too! You often find that a parent in you dh's position lets their kids get away with more because they see them less. They want to be the fun parent. But I think you both need to sit down and talk about how the children at going to behave when they come over. It's not fair on you and don't accept this is how it is -- it can be improved upon I imagine.

And for one I love my daughter and hate being apart from her, she chose to have them

Good lord. You really let the guard down here, didn't you?

I think OP's comment here has been misinterpreted, no? I read that she was responding to those saying that its not fair that the mother has the children so much and the dad so little, by saying that it was the mother's choice to have them so much and that OP could understand that as a mother herself. I don't see how this is a dig.

I do think this thread has taken a turn for the silly. The dad obviously has a job with long hours and little free time in the week. The mum is a SAHM. This EOW setup is not at all uncommon. Not all jobs can be done from home, and often cutting down on hours would mean taking a demotion or an entirely different type of job. The father has four children across two households to support. So its hardly fair to start attacking him for not putting his kids first - cant the question just be asked reasonably? Why do all these accusations have to be flung about?

OP is it a possibility for your DH to cut down hours or work from home sometimes, or not without a pay cut / shifting into a completely different type of role? Do you think if he was around more in the wwek and you got more time with him then, you'd cope better with his kids around at the weekend?

Neglected the emotional side? Really? How do you know? As he has them reliably half of their weekends, what should he be doing? Turning up at school to tell them how much he loves them? EOW is scamming arrangement and frankly, knowing how I feel, which is why I sympathise with the OP, it would send me over the edge and then there will be two separated families to negotiate, which will be even more complicated. I thought DPs ex was bad....

mum - on your basis - no one wants step kids, they are a pain.
EOW is a scamming arrangement and seeing your dad 4 days per month with an SM who resents you being there - is a fair deal for the step kids.

I really do empathise with the life of the NRP father and DF to a second family is a minefield. I watch my EX is trying to negotiate right now - it is horrendous. Two Mothers want the best for their DCs and I will not expect second best for his eldest DCS over his younger DCS and neither will his DP.

i will fight for my DCs not to be treated like you and the OP feel is appropriate/seocnd rate, make do because they are onyl step kids attitude.

My attention does not and will never replace the attention, love, care and growth their father can give them - if he was ever given the chance by his current DP.

Im struggling with a similar situation. I find myself dreading SC coming over every other weekend. His stays put our life on hold as he refuses to do daily tasks with us or anything he doesnt "fancy doing". Leaving myself to do everything while my OH plays with him. I have an 8 month old that EOW doesnt get to spend proper time with his busy dad because all my OHs attention is being demanded by SC. So I find myself resenting my SC even though hes been in my life for 4 years now. Its so god damn hard to be a step parent. Hes a naughty kid who plays his parents off against each other and I have to stand back and watch it happen as Im not allowed to have an opinion or get involved. Props to the step parents out there that are trying (like me) to create a somewhat normal, balanced and consistant daily life thats weekends are determined by an irrational EX while raising a newborn!

I really do feel for stepmums of NRP's, it
must be so difficult. Being a stepmum of a RP is a minefield but we parent DC together as a team, their mother isn't around by her choice. The more I read posts like this the more I honestly don't think I would cope with an EOW arrangement.

I wish people would remember this is a place to vent and when someone is generally reaching out for support, taking their words and twisting them really doesn't help the situation one bit. I can't imagine being in a situation where you have so little control over anything and are too afraid almost to even talk openly to your OH about what your going through because if you do you may end up feeling even more isolated

Sorry I have nothing to add to help.