Will I ever not feel this way?

[rosymermaid]

My OH has 3 children. 7,9 and 12 and without waffling on, we have been together 7 years and I only met them 4 years ago. This was difficult and I wanted so much to be apart of their lives.

Now 7 years on, OH and I have our own DD and the kids come and stay every other weekend.

My issue is that I do not enjoy them coming round at all, in fact I dread it. They are very good children but are very lively and want my OHs attention constantly.

I know some people will think I am a nasty cow and I really don't need to be told that. I do not like feeling this way.

I always put on an act when they are there because I wouldn't want them to know how I feel. They are only children and it is not their fault.

My OH have a great relationship and the only arguments we have are over his kids.

Are they any other step parents who have felt this way? Did it ever change? How did you get over it?

It sounds to me like your DD has pushed them out in your mind.

I see them being enthusiastic and wanting to help. You need to assert yourself in your own home if they push the boundaries. I wouldn't let a friends kid jump on my sofa

I asked him if he could tell youngest not to climb all over my settee arms and backs and it got his back up.,he does tell her sometimes but often I have to give him a look first and then he doesn't like that.
Maybe what got your OH with that statement is the reference to YOUR settee arms. There's a difference between saying 'I'm concerned that them jumping on the settee is going to damage it some day' and 'I don't want them to climb over MY settee'.

I think your issue is that you are facing what life is with 4 kids, and it is tough. The difference between a family of 4 kids who live with them full-time is they don't get to see what bliss it is when they are not around. You get to experience the contrast, so of course, you can't help but comparing and realising how much nicer it is when they are not there. I agree that ultimately, you will have to learn to cope with it.

What I wonder is whether instead of removing yourself from it, you could actually make the best of the situation and maybe do something with just one of them and this way build a bond, even with the youngest. She is likely to be a very different child if YOU give her one to one attention.

Maybe one day you could take her and your baby to the park, or to a soft play centre and see how it goes. Your baby might enjoy seeing the kids around and your SD might enjoy having your attention without her siblings.

Op I know and understand so well how you feel. The bottom line (I can't speak for all obviously) step mums, is that the base maternal feeling underpinning tolerance and love just isn't there, never was. You can't force it.

I think by faking it as well as you can you are doing a good enough job. Wish I had advice but I struggled just like you. I'm afraid to say my life only got easier when they grew up and lived elsewhere (gap year/uni).

I think you need to be more pro active in terms of the house rules. It would annoy me if I was constantly being given 'the look' when a quick stop climbing on the sofa like it's a climbing frame from you would be just as effective.

Honestly it's your house to and you're allowed to tell anyone in it not to do something they're not allowed to do. Be bright and breezy but firm.

I do think you'll stop being so annoyed with them and your dh will stop getting irritated by your looks iykwim.

I think it is harder once you've had a baby. I'd say hang in there if it has developed since the baby, it is more hopeful than if you'd felt dread of them all along. Hopefully it does mean that it is a lot to do with feeling overwhelmed, with stress and being a bit burnt out.

I had a baby too and have four big teenagers EVERY weekend and also one resident. It was very, very wearing, with everyone else telling you not to be stressed. It is hard enough with a young baby.

Open plan is too much. We have open plan and I particularly dreaded it with the newborn, and for good reason. The noise, the XBox, the 'relaxed Dad' ignoring his kids if they needed parenting.

I was lucky as our house is pretty huge, and I turned the small office into a baby retreat - I basically went in there often with the baby, made it really cosy, lots of baby toys. Can you do that? Failing that, have frequent breaks where you go into the child's nursery or your bedroom for an hour, lie down with the baby on their mobile or in their baby nest and play or feed them.

Manage your expectations, if it is EOW I do think it is going to be totally focused on the kids for your DP. I know this is hard but I would just accept this. However tough, they will need to know from your DP that he's there for them. Let them him do the shopping or chores that weekend with his kids. Leave it all.

Then on 'your' weekends, make sure that you go out for an afternoon so you DP has at least a few hours one on one time with your baby. And then do something really nice and relaxing for both of you. Get shop deliveries during the week so that 'your' weekend is as free of chores as possible. Refuse to cook on that weekend, so that this is can be a chance to recuperate from the busier other weekend.

Possibly build a routine when the kids are there that they do something special with your baby, with your supervision if they are treated them like a doll. Maybe one always plays just before dinner, maybe one feeds them... Whatever suits. So that you are more in control of this and not just having to tell them what not to do.

Also, some compromises possible, ie. one day on the week-end they are not there for your, OH and baby, and maybe some household activities that can still take place when the SC are there. Some actually like to do go food shopping, especially if it means they have a say over what snack they might have, or contribute to decision as to what is cook that evening for instance.

I don't think it helps that your DH only does fun stuff on the weekends they're there and the rest of the time you and DD get the mundane drudgery.

Do you, DH and DD do nice things together as a trio?

Also, you should be able to discipline bad behaviour in your own home. If your DH has a problem with that he needs to do it himself.

I think you need to try to embrace the situation rather than fight against it.

If I was your dh and you felt this way about my DC you would be gone.

I'd never take anyone's children on and pray to god that my children never have to have a step mother!

I disagree that your dh should spend time doing mundane tasks with his kids in tow. They hardly ever see him, they should be his focus when they are around. I'm a stepmum and have always been able to tell him off when he is being over the top. If dh is around i leave it to him but sometimes a quick "please could you stop doing that" nips any bad behaviour in the bud. I think that is why me and dss get on so well. I'm one of the few people that has strict boundaries for him and he knows where he stands.

If i wasnt allowed to even say dss stop doing that, there's no way id still be with dh as it would indicate dh didn't respect me enough to give me equal standing in the household. Sounds like the kids don't respect you but they've never been given the impression that you're someone who can tell them what to do so why would they? Id suggest sitting down with your oh and make sure he's ok with you telling them to calm down and not to do stuff. If he's not ok with that then you have a dh problem not a stepkid problem. Your dh might be happy that you're taking steps to try and get over your problem. I think you being able to keep their behaviour in check is key. Was you dsd made to apologise for breaking your photo frame and if not, why not? You would have to grit your teeth and accept a genuine apology as these things happen with kids but then she shouldn't have been larking around in the house and both you and your dh should have directed her to the garden or told to calm down. If you didn't even feel you could do this then you do have a big problem.

I also think that focusing on how you can get away from your dsc will make the problem worse. Why not focus on thinking of places you can all go where they won't be in your face... even just a trip to the park where they can go on the equipment/kick a ball and you can be there with the baby watching. Even them seeing you participating and being there will help.

It's understandable that having your own baby has changed things- from your perspective as well as the kids.

Try not to 'hate yourself' so much and enjoy your dd as best you can. I agree that maybe the dsd who's a little troublesome might be feeling 'pushed out' hence why she's playing up... we're ttc our first but dss lives with us ft and fully understands the rules and discipline instilled by both dh and I day in, day out which will hopefully make things a bit more straightforward...

I commend you for 'putting on an act' and seeking support.

All the best, sorry I've not written any actual advice!!

Children do mundane things with their parents all the time. It doesn't hedge to be a punishment. My boy says he gets most of his dad's attention when they go do the shopping because it's only the two of them and he is less distracted then especially driving there. He also likes feeling that he contributes to the household by being asked for his views on the shacks to buy for them.

These kids see their dad 4 days a month. He shouldn't deliberately plan shit boring chores when they are around.

If mundane stuff needs to be done when they're there then that can't be helped, but I wouldn't deliberately plan it. Mundane things are all part of family life, so sometimes they have to happen, sometimes you can put them off and do the fun stuff. I honestly think as your baby grows and is able to be more involved with her siblings that things will improve OP, hang in there.

I agree with aye when DS was a baby it was a nightmare EOW but now he's 2 and much more fun and doesn't need to be fed every 10 minutes the DSC have a much better relationship with him.
My younger 2 like playing duplo and football etc with him and my older 2 like teaching him new things
They all love it when he says their names and although they drive me bonkers at times, it's so lovely to see the different relationship that he has with each of them

My eldest DSD kicked off massively when I had DD (her mum told her that her dad wouldn't want her anymore because he had a biological daughter now ) yet when we got to the bottom of that and reassured her that just wasn't true and that we loved her just as much, they formed the closest bond. It's been really special to see, DD has a scabby old stuffed bunny that DSD spent her school jumble sale money on and won't go anywhere without it, I say a little prayer every time I have to wash the bloody thing!

Yes, I feel exactly the same. I could have written your posts myself. Don't have time to fully respond but will shortly!

Four kids is noisy and chaotic. You can't avoid that. But two things that should help are

1. House rules. You and Dh decide what they are, tell the kids, and everyone can call anyone on a breech so it's not about whose the parent but about all keeping the rules of the house.
2. You shouldn't have "fun weekends" and "chores weekends". A few chores both weekends and some fun both weekends. Obviously some chores are tricky with four kids in tow but it's good for them to see some getting done. Get an Internet shopping delivery and everyone helps put it away for example.

DP has two children 8 and 7. I also dread their weekend visits and like you, DP works extremely hard and works his normal job, most evenings and some weekends. He would never plan to work on a weekend we have his children, but will on a 'free weekend' which I do understand but it's hard! But like you, means the time we do have together he's catching up on sleep, we're getting on top of the house and doing crappy chores.
Me, DP and our 2 very young DC live together and a lot of the time, i feel I have no support. It has improved slightly as until I had DC2 7 months ago, DP worked away, so the only time we properly saw each other was with his DC and it causes a lot of problems and arguments and actually a lot of resentment on my part as I felt abandoned. Generally I'm the sensible one of our relationship and I manage our bills etc. He spent money he owed to me on ridiculous presents for nothing for his kids, while I was struggling to sort paying the bills on maternity. He can't see past the money he has in his bank that day when it comes to his children. He will do anything to make sure they're spoiled.
Like you, he wants to take them out for expensive days out, buy them presents etc and they have come to expect it e.g. Last weekend one of his DC helped make tea for a few minutes and told DP she wanted new Meghan Traynor (sp?) album for helping. Then she asked to be taken somewhere we've taken them before (expensive) but DP said 'no...we're going to the park it's a nice day'. She asked another 6 times, it was winding me up and I told her no. She asked her Dad again when I'd gone and I know he would have taken them if I hadn't been here. His other DC is extremely hard work and has been excluded at primary school etc. I'm not judging btw, our eldest has his moments but I'm hoping he will grow out of it as he's still young and obviously we're trying to nip it in the bud. I've told him it's important for him to spend time and not money and he's finally coming to realise this as we have none left and 4 DC to support and we only ever do cheap activities with our own.
All the crap that needs sorting gets done on our very limited time and when his DC come it's a game of how much fun stuff can we pack into the time. It's hard work as like you, I'm left to deal with our DC.
It's harder once you have your own DC definitely. Because there's even less time for you to be a couple and even more potential arguments. The difference in how they're treated winds me up. Our very young child wouldn't get away with what his DC get away with. His DC are allowed to trash things in my house (DP moved in with me) and I'm not allowed to say anything without being branded a witch, but I wouldn't let my 2 year old behave like his children do sometimes.
Even though I am in my own home, I feel like a total outsider when they're here and the looks they give me! Their mum hates me (not sure why...not the OW) so this obviously doesn't help.
I don't want to be around them anymore....the practicalities are easier said than done though and it would mean depriving our DC of their Dad every other wknd which isn't fair, especially while they're so young.
I have considered leaving DP over it as its not just the weekend, the bitterness carries on long after the visit for both of us and it's such hard work it just doesn't seem worth it sometimes.

That was longer than I thought sorry!

I'm not a stepmum, but I do understand the restrictions that you feel in terms of telling off your DSDs - having said that, I do think you need to start telling them when you don't like something they do. If your DH doesn't like you telling them off, then he needs to do it himself - it can't all be "softly softly" around them or they'll start to walk all over the pair of you.

Re. them "fighting" over your DD, I actually agree with the PP that it's a nice thing that they're so enthusiastic to help with her - so long as she's not getting hurt, then maybe direct them a little more, so that they either take turns, or do half each (one wipes, other puts the clean nappy on, for e.g.). Again, I understand that you don't want to be too heavy-handed in terms of discipline, but if your DH isn't going to step up, then someone has to, and you're the one that's left. As your DD grows older, you're going to have to use whatever discipline is necessary for her - your DSDs are going to need to get the same from you, so that they feel they're being treated equally. Start now :)

Your DH needs to support you more.
You should be able to tell them off and he should back you up and let you have some space.
Kids are kids, they are annoying, their Dad should be more understanding of the fact that they aren't your kids so you need a break from them.

Also, I need a break from my own boys quite regularly - so it's not a sign of anything other than you needing some "down time" from children to want a few minutes' peace!

OP- not sure why you can not tell themnot to climb, behave etc.

The youngest is playing up - she is 7yrs old, you have been with her father for 7 yrs............ She is no longer the focus of attention and she never got her dads attention as a baby because........

4 days per month you and your joint baby are not the focus of his attention and you hate your routine being messed up - come on.......

lookluv please stop bashing stepmums and partners of people with children when they are asking for help and support. You may have negative experiences but this isn't about you and I don't think you're responding to the request of the OP, rather getting your anger of an unrelated event out.

Where have I bashed her.

I am a step mum, aswell as my DCS having had the SM from hell.

I do not get whey she can not tell the DCs not to climb etc. I treat my DSCs, as my DCs same rules and tell them all in the same way. I struggle to understand why SMs can not tell the DSCs not to do something. We have had a few raised eyebrows from the pre teen but they hear me tell mine the same - rubbish on the floor, plates in the bedroom etc - so they know it is not personal.

The 7 yr old from the info given by OP, did not see her Dad for the first 4 yrs of her life, OP has been with her DP for 7 yrs. Youngest is now no longer the youngest and has to adjust - not surprising really.

4 days per month is not a lot to give up but on this forum it becomes the focus of so much antipathy, hatred and angst. We have DSCs every weekend - teen DSC now wants to baby sit one Saturday per month, I pay them, it is loved by all the kids - home alone! ( has helped our relationship which can be rocky - but the fact that I trust teendsc for a few hours has def helped)

So no I am not step mum bashing