Will I ever not feel this way?

[rosymermaid]

My OH has 3 children. 7,9 and 12 and without waffling on, we have been together 7 years and I only met them 4 years ago. This was difficult and I wanted so much to be apart of their lives.

Now 7 years on, OH and I have our own DD and the kids come and stay every other weekend.

My issue is that I do not enjoy them coming round at all, in fact I dread it. They are very good children but are very lively and want my OHs attention constantly.

I know some people will think I am a nasty cow and I really don't need to be told that. I do not like feeling this way.

I always put on an act when they are there because I wouldn't want them to know how I feel. They are only children and it is not their fault.

My OH have a great relationship and the only arguments we have are over his kids.

Are they any other step parents who have felt this way? Did it ever change? How did you get over it?

Hi all. Sorry for delay in reply. My daughter is poorly.

Thank you so much for your support. It is really hard and most people just do not get it. I feel less alone knowing that it is the same for others.

I posted because I do not like feeling this way and most of you have been so helpful.

I spoke with OH last night to explain how I was feeling and that at the moment I need some support. Yes we had a massive row but we are now loved up again and from how he has been since I think he sees that I do not like feeling like this and perhaps its all a bit overwhelming with a 6 month old.

I am sure we will argue again though and I know my feelings towards the DSC is still the same unfortunately.

And for the poster who commented on the first 4 years of the youngests life, he was very much around. There is more history then you know so please remember that before making assumptions.

I am quite a shy person out of a work environment and do not actually feel comfortable telling someone else's kids off.

Oh and 4 days a month IS a lot when you have an OH that works a lot and usually I will be working full time once my maternity leave finishes.

Sorry but that poster who said that, you just don't get it, clearly. Just because you find it easy doesn't mean everybody else is going to.

Hi OP. My advice would be:

1. Force yourself to have positive interactions with your DSC. Make a point of praising good behaviour or laughing at jokes. Play a board game with them or spend a bit of time doing something you and they like - baking, a sport, crafts, whatever. Even though you may not feel like engaging, I really think there is a lot to fake it til you make it.

1. Balance that with time on your own/with your DD during their weekends. Find a way to have quiet time on your own, don't try to be "on" 24/7 or feel like you all have to do everything together. Arrange to see friends or family sometimes?

1. Decide on the behavioural stuff that is the biggest no no for you and work on correcting that in tandem with your DH. Be prepared to just let a lot of stuff go, and focus on the least acceptable stuff as a basis for rule setting and discipline.

Mixety - that is great advice. I do try with number 1, but possibly need to do more with youngest. I definitely do number 2. Number 3 is the hardest one at the moment.

Would it help to think of how you would like another adult who had temporary responsibility for your DD in your absence (eg a friend's mum) to treat her when she's older? You'd be fine with them telling her not to climb on the settee, wouldn't you?

4 days to see your parent split between 4 children and a step mum is not a lot and there is no way it can be seen as too much.

How would you feel if you saw your dd 4 days a month and in that time had to share her with lots of other people.

Lunar I agree it's not and I had this put to me, but when your partner works away/long hours then they don't see the children they live with all week and work most weekends they don't have the step-children, all of the children are in the same boat aren't they for attention?
Most parents don't have 30ish days a month free, but as OP may be, I'm on maternity and our income massively reduced, so DP is taking on extra work and working longer hours where he can. Real life isn't perfect and you have to juggle a lot of things.

Totally agree with pp's, you'll have to fake it until it become the norm! All of our DC were grown when we got together, so I didn't have the visiting EOW scenario, but now DGC are on the scene for both of us and I initially found it hard to bond with DH's, DGC as he's so different to mine!
However, I persevered trying to use the same tactics and little games I use with my own DGC. Gradually, it has become easier having DSGC to stay....but will never be the same as it is with my own, I've just grown used to acting in a certain way around them, which keeps everyone happy!

Well done for asking for support both here and your DH.

Why do the DSCs only see their Dad EOW? How would you feel if your child only saw Daddy that often?

It's tough to have a strong relationship with that little time.

Do you think more regular contact might make the atmosphere feel more 'everyday', calmer and expectations lower?

Also - important do fun things as a threesome too!

I don't think it would help Rosy to have her DSC any more often yet! She's struggling already, and needs to find her way here!
I think as the months go by, you'll find a pattern which will work for you, with my DSGC, I just listened and heard what interests him, so I adapted the games I make up for my own DGC, to suit. I tend to start him off with the game, pull my DH into the play scenario, and then absent myself for a few minutes here and there.....usually getting washing in/out, making his tea, making coffee for DH and myself. And a real good one looking for other suitable items for the game (really on my iPad or kindle for 10 mins break).
We have each child for 1 day per week (separately), it's not easy, but I think, for the general harmony of the family.....its fakeing it till youre making it, or at least try to look like you are!

If they saw him more then they could adapt a more natural family environment. The op doesn't like the intensity of the visits by the sound of it. But because there is so little time they are bound to be clingy and he's bound to not want to do the boring stuff while they are there.

If he saw them in the week things could be easier and more relaxed.

Thanks again for all the advice.

We use to have 1 at a time during the week too (this was before I had a baby) but it was very difficult with our working hours, neither of us would be finishing until 8 most nights so we felt it was unfair to pick them up that late, plus often with early starts we would have to drop them off at stupid o'clock in the morning.

When I was a child I saw my dad EOW and I have a good relationship with him. Plus surely their mum wants to spend quality time with them too (not just after school).

We do often have them extra if the ex wife asks. Not that I enjoy that right now to be honest.

I do make an effort with them. If they do something like a school show/ performance I always buy a little present to say well done

I cook for them, I ensure they have clean clothes and beds etc.

I show an interest in things, help them shop for dads birthday/Father's Day etc. Halloween I always do makeup with them.

Last weekend I arranged something particular for them to do that I knew they would like.

I do make an effort, just inside I find the youngest in particular very annoying.

When we only have 2 of them (doesn't matter which) it is okay to be honest. Maybe I am just not cut out for 4 kids. God knows how it would be if I ever had another one myself (which I would like too).

I think you may have hit the nail on the head there OP. Four kids age 12 and under is hard whichever way you look at it! Make sure you carry on asking for support from your OH.

OP - I get you are struggling, believe my 3rd DSC could try the patience of a saint and I have locked my self in the shower and screamed!

YOur DP prioritised his work over his DCS and his time has been very limited. My Ex is away alot with his job - believe me the DCS do suffer, it gets worse as they get older and they realise how little he sees them and actually knows them.

Plus surely their mum wants quality time with them - sorry she has them 26/27 days out of 30/31 and you think 4 is alot. That comment was way too patronising.

1 at a time during the week - are you serious.

the problem is you and your DP have never had them as a family /created the environment where they fell part of it and from your comments never will. Once number 2 comes along - this is going to get worse.

Very few people have the luxury of being available for their children 24/7.

It sounds in this case as if op's dp is spending 50% of his available, quality time to spend with his kids because of work commitments. If the only real time he gets are weekends then half of those are spent with his kids from his first relationship. It really isn't fair to say it's only 4 days a month.

It's not ideal but many families that are not separated live like this, with one parent getting very little family time.

Lookluv your post is ridiculous in my opinion.

We work long hours to pay the bills. Not all of us get the luxury not to. Oh wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have to?!

The ex wife does not work, so she might have the kids more but she is not holding down a full time job. Oh and all the kids are in school.

We had one at a time because OH then could spend a bit of 1 to 1 quality time.

My mum always said she wanted to see us at the weekend to spend quality time, I am sure others feel the same.

You seem very one sided because clearly your situation is not great.

OP - you and your DP have never created a family or dealt with them all together if you were previously having then 1 at a time. I can see why but what it has done is teach your SCs that they do not have to share his time.

Now it has to go 4 ways and in 2 very short episodes.

Everyone works to pay the bills - but we also fit in childcare, rearing etc around this. Sorry your DP, put his job before his DCs and left their mother to parent 3 young kids - a new born, 4 and 5 yr old, for the last 7yrs. He then took them one at a time - that is a luxury parents generally do not get and is so false.

You are clearly having a dig at the mother - yes the kids are now in school but they weren't for the first 5 years - were they. The reasons behind him leaving or her leaving when she was either pregnant or just after giving birth - like you say are the history we do not know about.

My situation for my DCS and their SM has been beyond shit, my situation with my DSCs 14 months in - I think is typical for this forum, some good, some bad, alot of laughs,some tears, frustrations and a muddling along which works itself out. DPs EX has been remarried for 3 yrs and we communicate about what we need to for the kids - she is everything I am not and we have nothing in common, petite, into fashion, very girly - and I am the compelte opposite! Her kids are well looked after, I disagree with somethings - earrings and revealing clothes in a 12yr old but my niece tells me I am not with it, but it is not worth getting worked up about. She disagrees with me giving them jobs after supper - clear table, wash up etc but neither of us are going to slag each other off.

You quite clearly do not want the DSCs in your house - fair enough you are entitled to your feelings, but above your needs are 3 children - who you quite clearly just about tolerate but if you can will push them away even more.

That they want to be involved with your DD is lovely - my 6 yr old snatches everything that someone else has - it is the age.

Like you say there is a lot of background we do not know

Firstly I came on here for advice about how I am feeling. I treat the kids very well when they are here. I am upset with myself because inside I find them irritating. But this does not show to them.

Good advice is not to expect my OH to change his career/give up his job. The ex wife I am sure would be rather peed off with the decrease in maintenance and extras we pay/do I am sure (understandably - kids are expensive). We would also have to move, again not ideal when we need space for 4 children.

I wasn't having a dig at the ex wife, but actually she gets more time to herself then we do and frankly more money and does not have to work (she has remarried). So please don't make out she is hard done by just because she has all the kids more then us. And for one I love my daughter and hate being apart from her, she chose to have them. They agreed when they split that she would have custody, and just like many he sees them EOW and pays maintenance. He is at every school performance/parents evening. He Skypes and messages them all the time when out working and is a good dad.

He has not chosen work over his children. He works to provide for us and to set a good example to them.

And what is the big deal with having them all EOW and then just one in the week? Most people I know it is just EOW.

I love the way you assume he left her too.

I'm not bashing you or your DP, I know how hard step parenting is. But EOW isn't much at all. DS goes to his dad EOW and he is majorly in the minority with his friends. Most kids I know go to their NRP every weekend and a couple of evenings a week, plus half all holidays at least.

Ayeokthen. Well what kind of hours do they work then? My OH left at 6:30 am the other day and was home at 10:30 pm.

If he was still with his ex wife, he wouldn't see much more of them during the week then he does now.

He has just got home after travelling somewhere (he stayed over night last night) and now is in his office for a few hours doing paperwork.

Mostly nights and shift work, SM has the kids when dad is working. That's how it works in our house too. I wasn't having a go, just explaining that around here EOW is considered minimal. My DP works 60-80 hours a week, if we only had his DSDs when he was off we'd never see them.

I do think that you have to think of the kids too. It's not great to be picking them up really late when they have school the next day (ex wife doesn't drive so cannot drop them off)

I wasn't having a dig at the ex wife, but actually she gets more time to herself then we do and frankly more money and does not have to work (she has remarried). So please don't make out she is hard done by just because she has all the kids more then us. And for one I love my daughter and hate being apart from her, she chose to have them

Good lord. You really let the guard down here, didn't you? Yes, you were having a dig. You are clearly angry/jealous that she is well enough off not to work and just to add additional insult, a throw away 'if you're happy for your children to go to the ex's, you really don't love them ^enough/quite as much as me/are a bad mother'. Best tip you'll ever get in life generally is to be happy with what you have.

The 4 days a monthsomehow being too much is ridiculous. Tell me, what happens if mum dies? Or becomes unwell or disabled? If you resent 4 days, how will you cope with full time?