Who would do it all again?

[MumOfTwoMasterOfNone]

Just that really. A lot of people told me not to get involved with a man who already had children, but I did.
Just wondering if you have also done this, would you do it if you had your time again and why?

I think a lot of us acknowledge that we have DH problems tbh. But the problems result from blended families etc - so it's perfectly valid to ask if we'd do it again!

I do realise that an indulgent, or too kind Dad to his kids to the detriment of parenting well is fairly key.

However, like my DP, kindness is also a quality I like him for.

The Ex and DSC can have a lot of power, and the more I am a step mum, the more I do lay direct blame there too.

If my DPs EX and his older DSCs had not scapegoated me for their resentments, then I would have had a fairly happy step family experience.

It is a pretty tall order for a father to stand up to his children or his difficult EX if it is ongoing and pulling at his heart strings.

Newname Thankyou for the advice. Your situation also sounds very hard work and you have my sympathies. I have honestly had the most stressful 3 years of my life and it has been so hard at times. I think I have just been totally exhausted and unable to process things until very recently. Thank you for also acknowledging this, I think maybe only my sister has realised how hard my life has actually been during this period in RL and how much blame and pressure is put on me when things go wrong.

I think a timeframe is a really good idea. I know I'm not happy now. I would never ever regret my children, but I look back and just think, why? I just didn't realise how hard it was going to be and the problems we would face. I totally underestimated the situation with his ex given she had left him, I didn't foresee the jealousy, the games and the anger.

It is Bananas yes. I can't see it ever truly happening as we've had empty promises before, so Newnames advice is probably good in that I just have to accept he isn't going to change.

Bad that is what I strive for. I've said to DP that I would love for DSC to come and just go about our normal lives, but it's just not like that at all. It has to be special, hectic and normally extremely expensive.

Mumoftwo, you do sound so completely drained by it all.Having young babies close together would naturally have impacted you but with babies there are upsides, the joyous times when you just look at your babies and realise it's all worth it.

It isn't the same for stepchildren, it tends to be hard work with limited or zero reward.Add a toxic ex then you are unlikely to get recharged.
You have to find ways to step back from it, go to your sisters if you are overwhelmed and do it before you reach the " I've had enough stage".

Find a support group, it could be mumsnet stepparenting board or similar as you need to find a postve source to help you see wood for trees.

Our children's age gaps were similar to yours so you could have years ahead of this.In our case the ex got better when her 3rd husband came on the scene plus the court appointed schedule meant there didn't need to be high levels of contact.

Yes.

However, I'm fortunate that DH and his ExP have always had an amicable relationship and put DSD "first"

This means no squabbles over money/access etc and arrangements have been adaptable and flexible (to mutual benefit) over time. DH is very hands on and I admit it helps we both have good jobs and I'm sure that the fact we have always "overpaid" maintenance has helped grease the wheels at times. However, fundamentally we have been very lucky that ExP has always wanted her child to maintain a good relationship with her father.

That's not to say it's always been easy. There have been some testing times but, no I wouldn't change having DH, DSD and DS in my life for anything.

I do think we've been lucky though and I can totally understand why some people wouldn't do it again. Some of the posts are very shocking about what people go through and it's very sad - especially as it can work if everyone has mutual respect for each other.

Sadly it seems that a lot of points scoring and bitterness take precedence in many relationships to the detriment of everyone.