Who would do it all again?

[MumOfTwoMasterOfNone]

Just that really. A lot of people told me not to get involved with a man who already had children, but I did.
Just wondering if you have also done this, would you do it if you had your time again and why?

I have two OP, 18 and 22 - my DH has two 21 and 19 so young adults - we both have a child each with Autism, that's not the problem....... big problem is that his DD has been truly awful and is a mini version of her mother. With hindsight I didn't stand a chance - I was not the OW but I may as well have been for all the venom directed at me....... very sad........ very stressful.

It's been the same for me. The comments and actions I've put up with off his DC are awful, before I even start on the ex. They treat me so badly and tell me I'm the reason their parents aren't together. In reality, their mother left her husband for someone 15 years younger nearly a year before we met, who then left her for her friend.
There's only so much a person can take and I'm getting to my limit, it's just a matter of time until we're seriously unhappy again (well we are as of last night).

My SIL once told me to keep my head on my shoulders when she first found out I was in a relationship with a man with a child.
Through being with him and through being a "stepmum" to her, I lost myself. The only good thing to come out of that relationship is my 3 precious boys and they now have a happy home and a happy mummy and the additional space we have now those two have fucked off is very useful :)
I finally followed my SIL's advice and booted them both out.

I'm pretty lucky. DHs ex wife is pretty rubbish to be honest and has ruined her relationship with DSS (he's 21 and a great person) but that's positive for me. DH is in no way a Disney dad - in the 4 years since he and his XW split he's been the main parent for DSS and was for some time before that it seems.

Part of me would like to have DC with DH but I have two who are 12 and 10 and there's probably enough children here

Good for you me. I feel I'm definitely losing myself and I can only see it getting worse.

Miranda - that's good. I guess it's easier that he was older too? Children are definitely a blessing but I'm glad I'm stopping at 2!

Yes and no.

I love DH and now there's a court order in place re contact with the DSCs, things are improving.

However, it's been hard work and I'd warn off any friends thinking of getting involved with a man with an ex and children. Widowers, not so much. I find it's the former partners that cause the issues.

I've been thinking this tonight - came to start my own thread but it would pretty much be a repeat! How much "Disney Dad" to the DSS is enough to actually end it now I have a DD with DP?! That's the question I'm asking myself at the moment, so unfair on our children who live here FT, and makes me actually go a bit mad inside.

Zampa it is the partners. I know a lot of what's been said by them has come from an adult originally. She's used them in her games which I find disgusting. Why would she want to make me try and dislike her children when they are sometimes in my care?

Unintended I completely understand how you feel. I am angry and upset and I hate it. It makes me a worse mum, I don't sleep properly and I become ratty with other people who do actually care.

I wish I had the strength and the resources to walk away....

It doesn't help at all but I totally 100% understand how you feel. We have an EXP with SS involved but still my DP can't step up & actually parent. It's too sad.

But then is it too shit to say to my DD's "me & your dad broke up because he couldn't parent his DS"?!

It's so hard. No one understands until they're living it. Sorry you're going through it too.

(The tiny thing that has pushed me over the edge tonight is hearing DSS call my DP a faggot again and DP not picking him up on it again. Despite our arguments about this exactly thing previously. Feels a bit small & pathetic to make me actually think of ending it with him again!

Sorry to derail.

That's what I think unintended. Can I justify that to my DC? My DP has also said "so you're willing to take our DC away from their Dad?" during arguments about things when I've said I'm reaching breaking point.

No they don't understand. I'm sorry too. I just think I can't spend the rest of my life unhappy and I want to be the best mum I can be. Being so unhappy in this situation doesn't make me that.

Don't worry about derailing. It's not small and if you find it unacceptable (which it is) that should be respected, especially in your home.
It's just all the little things that get to you isn't it?!

But why do you put up with comments and actions from the dsc, OP? Challenge it. If they tell you you are the reason mum and dad aren't together, put them right. If they are old enough for such accusations, they are old enough for the truth. DH can't stop you. Stand up for yourself.

Because it's normally when they are speaking to their Dad while I am there, rather than directly at me when it comes to that topic. He pussy foots around them when they talk to him about not being with their mum etc. Which I can understand to a degree but it's not easy for me to listen to. I'm still often referred to as 'her'. And he obviously can't explain that she was was cheating and left him for someone else.
His DS doesn't really talk to me or acknowledge me at all and totally disrespects anything I say, so there's just no point with him. His DD is more amenable but she obviously still believes what she's told by her mum.

Also, whether or not you put up with the comments or you challenge them yourself it's the constant wearing you down of it all. Or that's what I find anyway!

Growing up in a 'step' family I can honestly say I'd never marry a man with children. Just wasn't worth the agro and everyone was always annoyed. When my DM got divorced it was almost like she became a new woman. I wouldn't do it for all the tea in China.

It is unintended. We live in a house at the minute which is owned by me, yet I find it amazing that I still feel out of place in my own home

I find challenging it helped me though. We had a bit of "you are not my mum/ you can't tell me anything...", I stopped it, I felt much more at home afterwards. It is exhausting to be combative, but it does have its place. When they are particularly bad, say so, tell them "not in this house". If dh runs away and goes nc, don't let him back in.

I came into DH's life when all our DC were grown, so none of them ever lived with us/access visited us! If I'm honest I would have found it very hard to cope with having someone else's young DC in my life to that extent, which is why I consciously avoided men with young DC. My DH finds it pretty much impossible to say no to any of our children/grandchildren, so I imagine if we'd been together when the DH were young, I wouldn't have coped well....we have such different parenting/grand-parenting ideas, it wouldn't have worked!

It is the constant wearing down for me too. At this stage, I'd rather my two step daughters were openly mean to my face in an obvious way. At least there would be a tangible, direct communication. I could respond.

Instead my step daughters just resent my presence, despite being in their lives for 5 years. They ignore me. Seeth if I ask them to do anything. Disrespect their Dad my DH who is kind to them. It has definitely got worse since their other ramped up her resentment of us (not OW).

... Last line should read 'their mother'

Op, there was a long thread about this a little while ago so worth searching.

I think step parenting is uber parenting, it makes 'normal' parenting seem easy.Add to this a toxic ex and a dad who won't step up then you have an unbearable situation.

You have 2 young dcs, so 4 children at times and a husband who goes away a lot? .That is stressful in itself.

Dh's ex is toxic, much more when she was unhappily married to her 2nd husband Unhappiness with her life seems to be the core reason for the toxicity.

Court defined contact helped to lower the conflict but she ramped up the vicious personal behaviour.I was her target (not ow as she was engaged when I met DH).
She saw no downside to making her DD bully me, DD later confessed that the ex and dd spoke about what she could do & say to be hurtful.Dd was 8 at the time.How a mum would coach a child to do this was beyond shocking.

DSD has half siblings with her mum but when dh & I had a child DSD was highly jealous.This is something you might need to recognise as I hasn't appreciated how much jealousy there was.
Not sure we fixed it but talking to dsd helped (she denied it at first) but her behaviour showed otherwise.Dhs ex would encourage the feelings of jealousy however from my perspective dsd was/is highly indulged, much more so than my dc.

Dsd is now older and it's still not ideal but I have learnt to deal with it better.I take my dcs away for breaks if feeling overwhelmed.I could be bitter than I have to do this but choose not.I disengage from the Disney parenting (biting my tongue often but not always!).dsd is not better for the indulgence she has had.My dcs who have given given less and corrected more frequently are nicer people.That will be an advantage for them in later life.

I think you need to find ways to cope, accept you can't change the ex, don't tolerate rude behaviour, be firm but fair over DSC comments 'thats not kind behaviour' is often said despite me wanting to rant!

I don't run around after DSC unless I want too, don't feel you SHOULD do more for them as it leads to resentment.Make your dh step up.DH is less Disney if he has to do all the running around for the DSC.

It is your house so you have the right to put boundaries in place.Try changing your behaviour (detach, take breaks, practice stock phrases) rather than telling your dh to change (because when he won't it just draining and upsetting).

Give it a timeframe and see if it's still as awful.Then you know you have done all you can.

Sorry for typos! Hope it's readable

No no no way would I do this again.
I would also advise anyone against dating a man with kids and an involved ex.
I feel sucked dry and hollowed out by the shit I've had to deal with for 10+ years and what for?
Nope never again.

Seems your me a lot if you have husband problems, not step child problems.

Dh and I have 2 DC, he also has dd from previous marriage. He treats all the DC exactly the same, when she comes she simply slots in with normal life. We do lovely things and we have a joke that I never remember when she's been there or not,

I adore her and we get in really well. Together 17 years.