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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I think I want to leave but I don't know how!

42 replies

Rosewine72 · 09/05/2016 09:28

I don't think I can carry on , my oldest sd is a challenge typical of her age I know but when u don't feel u have the support of your dp it makes it worse. Their mum is causing trouble constantly. My dd is unhappy , I'm unhappy but we own the house 50/50 have a mortgage I have nowhere to go, I can't afford to rent in what I earn . I feel trapped!

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 09/05/2016 09:53

If you're this unhappy, and more importantly, your DD is unhappy, you have to find a way out! I'm suggesting that you speak openly to your DP, telling him exactly how you feel, explaining that, (if you're absolutely sure it's what you want) you intend to end the relationship and move on. That means financially, one of three things; you buy him out of the house, he buys you out or you sell up and split the proceeds 50/50.
Of course there's always a chance that, he just didn't realise how unhappy you've been, and maybe plans to improve the situation could be put in place. But if you're really determined to get away from DP and his child, then stick to your guns, and get legal advice....also, ask a friend/family member if they could put you up short term should the need arise!

Twitterqueen · 09/05/2016 09:57

Don't leave your house. I'm assuming the SD doesn't live with you full-time and that she has a home with her mum? In which case, the welfare of your child - and you obviously, is the most important thing. If anyone has to leave it should be your DH.

But you must talk to him as ^ says. Maybe he doesn't realise how bad the situation is.

Wdigin2this · 09/05/2016 10:08

I agree that you should stay in the house until whatever steps you take are finalised! But I doubt if your DP would willingly just leave his home, while you sort everything out, because effectively he'd probably be homeless! It may be that you'll both have to continue living in the house until decisions have been made and implemented.....would you be able to buy him out?

Original poster

Rosewine72 · 09/05/2016 10:46

No I couldn't possibly buy him out, it's a 5 bedroom house anyway I would only need a 3 bedroom which I could afford, plus his dsc live with us most of the time so it's not really that easy. I have just talked to him while taking the dogs for a walk, he has made me feel I'm being silly. He knows his ex wife is trying to split us up and effect the relationship between me and his dds so of course I get told to take no notice, rise above it etc which I have been doing but you know you can only do that do much eventually it gets to me. His older dsd gets to me . I hate how she completely blanks my dd and bitches about her and causes trouble and he can't see it. I think maybe I will try and get away for a bit , I have some savings I could take my 2 away for a while a weekend maybe. There certainly isn't anyone who could put us up.

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Original poster

Rosewine72 · 09/05/2016 10:51

Sorry to go on just he has made me feel stupid now , but I have put up with so much he doesn't realise how hard that is, he has put up with her for years and manages to deal with it, but since she's made it more personal and his children have become more and more frosty with me I feel I can't take anymore, he thinks and his mother thinks I should just brush it off , but I have been doing .

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Twitterqueen · 09/05/2016 14:02

Clearly you can't brush it off. So it's far more serious than your DP thinks it is. I think you need to shock him into understanding how you feel. Tell him you are going to see a solicitor and then start talking finances with him. Also, tell him you are going to start looking at houses, and get some details on them.

You need to make it real to him and be very clear about your actions. Solicitor is the 1st step.

Original poster

Rosewine72 · 09/05/2016 15:30

But am I being silly to not just be able to brush it off , why can't I

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Wdigin2this · 09/05/2016 16:07

If you can't brush it off, then it's obviously too much for you to cope with. Maybe you could sit down with a piece of paper, and write down all the pros and cons of being in this relationship...especially with regard to how it affects your DC. If the cons far outweigh the pros, (be ruthlessly honest) then you have your answer! Once you've come to a definite decision, then get legal advice, and look at properties! And by the way....if the life your leading is making you miserable, you're not being silly! Go with your gut feeling!

Twitterqueen · 09/05/2016 16:42

You can't brush it off because you're NOT silly. That's the point. You brush off someone who cut you up in the queue for the checkouts, or takes your parking space or has a strop because there's not enough milk in the fridge for cereal.

You cannot dismiss this as 'being silly' when you are obviously deeply unhappy, seriously considering leaving your husband, tired to desperation of awful SCs... and your own DD is very unhappy. How is any of that silly? Don't let your DH and your MIL belittle your fears and worries and unhappiness - they are very real to you and that's all that matters.

Original poster

Rosewine72 · 09/05/2016 20:07

Thank you ladies for not judging me.

My relationship with dp has been so good it's such a shame, but I've just started resenting him and as horrible as it is his dd too. I know she's a child and I've really tried from being understanding and caring to being assertive , by chatting to her but I get nowhere I want to treat them all the same , but if my dd behaves inappropriately I tell her and she listens but if I my sd does something I can't say anything but if I do my dp doesn't back me up and she carries on anyway. Their mum picks fights with me, calls me names and tells lies about me to the school, to her dds etc. Dp will stand up for me but doesn't want it to get out of hand obviously because of his dds but this all has a negative effect on me and my dcs . So much has happened it's really too much to go into. My dad is terminally ill with cancer and my sister again through jealousy just doesn't bother with me either . Not in a good place at the moment

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Findingpeace · 09/05/2016 20:23

My DH said the same to me a couple of weeks ago when I tried to talk to him about how deeply unhappy I was and that I was thinking of leaving. He tried to make me feel silly and emotionally weak for not being able to cope! In the middle of the conversation I wasn't able to explain myself well and I wasn't able to be brutally honest because I got upset and because I love my DH and didn't want to hurt him with my words. So I wrote down everything I felt and observed about our family and gave him some hard facts. I wasn't sure how he would take it or where we would go from there but he seems to have really 'listened' and taken on board how I'm feeling.
Do you think writing him a letter would help? Be brutally honest with him. What are you risking, as you're already thinking of leaving?
I think I probably know how you're feeling, as I live full time with my youngest DSD and with the oldest before she moved out. It was, and still is, so incredibly hard!

Original poster

Rosewine72 · 09/05/2016 21:00

Oh findingpeace thank u so much for your message, you know that might help actually, he is very keen to talk but he doesn't really get it! If u don't mind me asking findingpeace what sort of issues did u have ?

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Eliza22 · 11/05/2016 07:44

Youre not being silly. Youre being asked to live and presumably, support financially, a hostile living arrangement. Can you take yourself back a few years to before you all co-habited? If someone had asked you to live like " ..............(fill in with description of your life now, and that of your children) ........." would you have said "Yes! Sign me up! I'd LOVE that?" No. Thought not.

Your dh needs to understand how far things have deteriorated for you and you need to see a solicitor so that you have a realistic picture of your options.

for you.

newname99 · 11/05/2016 14:07

I think a few of us can relate to your feelings.It seems a particularly common issue especially for dads with daughters, especially if the mum is hostile.

How old is your SD? How long with dp and does the ex have a partner?

I found that dp coped with his ex's rants far better than me.My reasoning being , he had married her and was used to it.It made him v unhappy so their marriage ended.Weekly rants were in, his mind a massive improvement however I didn't have a hostile relationship with my ex so it was alien and upsetting to me.I guess in some ways I must have had a more fortunate life as I hadn't been exposed to such unreasonableness before.

Someone a while ago posted a link to SD being hostile, via proxy, this is really informative.I sent it to DH, he hasn't really commented but I know it has gone in.It hard for him to accept his daughter may be capable of such unpleasant behaviour.

Even if DH 'gets it' he is however limited to what he can do.He has a fear of correcting his daughter as he doesn't get to see her much.He can't moderate his ex's behaviour, 3 husband's have tried that! So he is a bit powerless and I suspect your dp feels the same.All he can say is 'try to brush it off' as he doesn't have any other alternatives to fix it.

What would you like your dp to do or say? Is it to validate your feelings? If so try the asking him for this explicitly.
The reason I ask how old SD is because if she is young you do need to factor in if you can live like this for years.You can't be sure it will get any better, ours did to a certain degree BUT it's still not ideal and SD is now at Uni.

Wdigin2this · 16/05/2016 11:23

Divorced fathers (especially of girls it appears) always seem to live with the guilt, and fear that their DC will not want to visit, if they don't have all their own way. It's not parenting it's reacting to crisis situations, and they must feel so limited in their options for dealing with these scenarios.

However, it's is so bad for the DC's future attitude to life, not to mention how difficult it makes things for the rest of the household....tbh, I just don't know the answer!!

Original poster

Rosewine72 · 16/05/2016 16:23

That's a generalisation though and believe it or not some divorced mothers are like that too. However I agree with the guilt thing , he doesn't want to tell her off as he doesn't want to rock the boat and then listen to wanting to live at her mums or go there more often, which makes it hard for everyone really

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Wdigin2this · 16/05/2016 16:43

Yes, some women are like that too, but it is generally the case that the man leaves the family home, so he is the one who only sees his DC when they visit. And I've read so many accounts on this forum of fathers who cannot bring themselves to say the NO word to their DC, including my own DH....so it's a much more common factor than you think!!!

Original poster

Rosewine72 · 16/05/2016 16:56

Well it's true my ex is like that, my dp now he wasn't like that as they spent most of the time with him, but since all the trouble with his ex he is more and more like that and his dc are getting away with more and more sigh!

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Original poster

Rosewine72 · 16/05/2016 17:16

His dds are 10 and 12 , the 12 year old is difficult I know it's her age but nor can u just respond to everything with 'it's her age' he doesn't seem to realise what she and other girls her age are capable of, yet he's very quick on my dds back if she steps out of line, that really bugs me.

The problems with his ex haven't helped at all, the things she says about me and trying to turn her dds against me has just been awful! I feel trapped because I moved towns to be with him moved my dds school, took a while to settle my dd she was bullied but now Finally she settled, I have few friends here and no family but it wouldn't make sence to move to another town and start again for the children's sake. It's not there fault. My sister doesn't want to know me, and my dad is dieing of cancer, I'm not in a good place at the moment x

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mummytime · 16/05/2016 18:10

How old is your DD?

I think you will just have to tell him it is over, and that you need him to buy you out of the house.

Eliza22 · 16/05/2016 18:52

This is all so sad.

I hope you can find the emotional strength to do what must be done for you and your daughter x

Original poster

Rosewine72 · 16/05/2016 19:28

My dd is 13 in a couple of weeks, also a 'difficult age' my ds is 10 and is very happy gets on everyone really.

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mummytime · 16/05/2016 20:04

That is a very hard group of ages to blend. Its better if one set of DC are all older or younger than the other. As it is they are all at or close to awkward ages.

Original poster

Rosewine72 · 16/05/2016 20:20

That's the problem 😞

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wallywobbles · 16/05/2016 21:32

We have similar ages dss 7, dsd 10, dd 10 and DD 11. We are currently renovating a house for our forever home so you are far in front of us.

What about some counseling? Individual and joint?

Also have you tried family meetings from the positive discipline school of thought. I'd say you've got nothing to loose at this point. I know we need to reinstate them because things are currently a bit out of kilter. They work pretty well. My DP was skeptical but surprised at how they worked.

I'd start by writing that letter. Tell DP that you are going to see a solicitor and book counseling so that he understands that telling you to brush it off and stop being silly are actually making it worse.

Both read the positive discipline book by Jane Nelson. She also has a website and you can download stuff.

Mostly though good luck.

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