I think I want to leave but I don't know how!

[Rosewine72]

I don't think I can carry on , my oldest sd is a challenge typical of her age I know but when u don't feel u have the support of your dp it makes it worse. Their mum is causing trouble constantly. My dd is unhappy , I'm unhappy but we own the house 50/50 have a mortgage I have nowhere to go, I can't afford to rent in what I earn . I feel trapped!

Thank you wallywobbles x

I was talking to a friend last week and suddenly quite a lot of stuff just spilled out. I hadn't really realized I'd been building up resentment. But once it starts you can't put it back in the bag.

Anyway try the family meeting thing. Everyone has to participate. Be honest. Put all the shit in the box/book. Don't be scared of being honest in the meetings. Follow the rules no shortcuts even though it can feel a bit painful for us Brits!!

I'm looking into it now thank u xx

Hi Rosewine. It's ok to decide that you can't put up with it. I was in exactly the same situation (minus having a DD, but I have a lovely DS).

We owned the house 50:50; we put it on the market and weathered it out in separate bedrooms (until it all got too much and I ended up leaving to stay in temp accommodation).

But, 6 months on, DS and I are peaceful, happy, nobody is causing arguments, no EXW trying (and succeeding) in breaking up the relationship using the children as proxies and the truly hellish conflict that caused between me and exP.

We had months of counselling but in the end there was no way exP was willing to allow me to be afforded any room as another equal adult - not confronting his kids is and will always be his priority rather than setting expectations of behaviour for them in what was our home.

I lost thousands of £ but it was worth it for the peace we now live in.

I started with 12yo and 10yo SDs, lasted until they were 16 and 13, when the ugly behaviour was only getting worse and worse.

If you have tried speaking, writing and using a counsellor and nothing is changing, please don't worry about leaving. Making your kids feel secure is the most important thing. You have the right to a peaceful life.

Gosh u sound like you've been through a lot , sounds a bit similar tbh.

I'm still here , this sounds awful but it's so much better when his dds aren't here, I feel terrible saying that and it's not that my dcs are any better than his in any way it just diffuses any arguing and madness. Me and dp get on better etc but well that's not how it's going to be all the time. The ex is quiet at the mo too but I know something will blow up eventually

I find it really hard when my step daughter is moody with me and my dd, dp is very defensive about her so we never get anywhere . I did however send him an email explaining how I felt about his ex and the situation and it worked he read it and then came gave me a hug and discussed it with a plan of action. I might have to do this with regards to his dd too , he just doesn't see things and then if I point something out he'll make excuses

That's probably a good idea Rosewine but you're going to have to be super sensitive about how you word it! Explaining how unhappy his ex makes you feel is one thing, very different thing when it's about his DC!

You're so right wdigin2this, it's completely different he hates his ex but his dd is his life and I'm sure if it came down to it he would choose her over me I get that so will tred very carefully

Good luck!

OP, how's it going for you now? Hope you're Ok.

Yes rosewine how are you doing? Has it got any easier?

I hope it's got better for your sake. But at the risk of sounding really negative in my experience it doesn't get any easier with DSDs when you have a permissive or defensive DP. Take a look at my post from yesterday. I'm still struggling, even with dsd being 18 years old! I'm very aware that DH created a great deal of her irresponsibility with his permissive parenting.

If you're still struggling and they are 10 and 12 please think hard if you want to continue with this amount of stress until the youngest moves out, which in this day and age could be at 20 years of age! So another 10 years. Things will only change if your DP is willing to change.

Quite so, FindingPeace. The stress continues beyond moving out. My youngest sd refuses any contact with me. Did do, pretty much from the start. Allowances made as she was young. She's now 22. Haven't seen her since she was 17. Still have lovely contact with dh's other two kids (26 and 27) but oh God, the endless, endless stress and tension. I used to get upset being "boycotted" and asked to not attend things. Now, I dread being invited because I know it's grudgingly. I'd rather avoid the upset.

If I had my time over. I'd stay well away from men with daughters. I know that sounds dreadful but IMO, it IS so often a "dad/daughter" dynamic.

I feel sorry for you OP. It's dreadful.

Eliza I absolutely think you are right about the father/daughter dynamic. I think there is something about daughters that make men automatically feel guilty. My DH took my 2 DSDs in because their DM was neglecting them, as he should, and yet he feels guilty. Ok he works hard and has 2 jobs so doesn't spend as much time with them as he'd like but that's life, still he feels guilty. Maybe it's the little princess thing, I don't know.

I feel for you OP, I really do. If my DSDs were 10 and 12 I'd be gone. I'm only staying because the end is coming.
Although I know from dsd 21 that even though they move out the stress and worry is still there.

Divorced fathers of daughters.....hard work! And if my DSC hadn't all been grown when I met their DF, I would never have started the relationship! It's all a long time ago now, and a helluva lot of water under the bridge, but I sooo know how it all feels!

Yes! I really wish I had understood the dad and daughter thing.DH is able to be firm with our boy but cannot discipline SD.He has literally never been cross with her, despite rude behaviour.

I do wish I had my time again and walked away.
Despite SD being at Uni it still causes issues as she can be extremely rude on visits home.I made a decision a while ago to tell her if I thought she speaking unpleasantly.When she
is not getting on with her mum then I am in favour but when she's friends with her mum she's hostile to me.

I find that as much as DH loves his son, it is very different to the near adoration he has for his daughter. It is blind.

My eldest step daughter is a lovely person; has done very well in her career after her law degree; is truly a high achiever and a kind, delightful young woman. She is a stunning looking girl too! The youngest is just dreadful imo and has not a scrap of kindness in her; finds others misfortunes funny; used to be openly hostile and condescending to me and was jealous of any attention given by dad to either me or my son (DS disabled).

I find DH dismissive of males generally. He's very much "toughen up" to my son in situations which, I think had he been a "poor defenceless girl" he'd have been more than sympathetic and pro-active in challenging.

IMO there's nothing "poor" or "fragile" about my youngest sd. She'd sell her granny if there was something in it for her.

Yes! My DH says 'just get on with it!' All the time in relation to the boys he teaches and feels they need to grow a backbone. I have to sometimes look at him sideways as he can't see the same should be applied to his daughters!
He has no expectations for his dd's. I remember when we all moved house (into their childhood home as we finally got their DM out) and they sat on the sofa on their phones the whole time! I remember being shocked that their DH didn't ask them to even help with their own bedrooms. Even our friends who were helping us move in looked confounded. I should have taken this as my first hint of what was to come and got out when I could! Oh if I could go back in time 6 years and have a little chat with my younger self lol!