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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU? SOOOO frustrsted!

41 replies

leamarie2013 · 28/03/2016 03:48

My partner has 2 kids...in fact no, he has 2 ADULTS! A daughter at 19, and a son at 21. They both live at home, pay nothing, do nothing around the house, and to top it off his sons GF has been here every night for 4 months! They sleep all day, awake all night!

Am I the only one who has noticed she moved in? Am I the only one who can see they are all taking the complete p**s ? AIBU to think they should get off there arses and get jobs, or clean up, or do SOMETHING!

I cannot mention it to my partner without it being WW3! We have been together for 5 years, I haven't just arrived & stuck my nose in! I have a son of 14 (who is at that age of being a complete nightmare) and even he comments on how lazy they are! Kids are one thing ..but these are adults!

AIBU??? Because I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Original poster

leamarie2013 · 28/03/2016 13:40

Haha VelvetCushion, that made me laugh! Thanks! A saint? Lol! Maybe not! But I've tried my f***g hardest, you just have to know when it's time to give up don't ya! Well, when they're all still there well into their 50s it won't be my problem will it hahahaha 😂😂😂 good luck to them!

OP posts:

VelvetCushion · 28/03/2016 13:49

Hahahaha bloody hell OP. They sound like a right fekkin bunch.
Let um get on with it. Your DP will soon realise what he has lost.

Original poster

leamarie2013 · 28/03/2016 14:04

Thanks well he won't find anyone else daft enough to put up with that shit for another 5 years that's for sure 😂

OP posts:

LogicalThinking · 28/03/2016 15:09

So you have your own house, you don't live with him.
He lives in his house with his adult children. His house, his kids, his rules.
Why should you have any say in his living arrangements with his children?
I would completely understand if you were living together, but you're not.
Definitely don't get married. This isn't going to change in a hurry.

FaithLoveandHope · 28/03/2016 15:45

It really sounds like you should get out of there. The way you talk about his DD is awful! I agree it's not helping with her Dad doing everything but you can't begin to know what's going on in her mind. Yes you've got depression and yes you went with her to the appointment but that's only a small glimpse of how she really feels / is. I have had depression for years and there are very few people who know what really goes on in my mind, even those friends who've had depression don't know and I don't know what it's truly like for them.

That said, I can completely understand why you don't want to be around and why you had to get your DS out of there. It sounds like you made the right decision on that front. Can I ask, what are you getting out of this relationship? As it doesn't sound like a lot as it stands :/

StillYummy · 28/03/2016 18:54

When you try to talk to him have you ever asked... What will your kids do when your not around any more?

Early 20s is basically the easiest time in your life to start a job. It would be a shame if they suffered in the future because they didn't get the (self inflicted) chance to get on the ladder now.

Wdigin2this · 28/03/2016 19:48

Well, you've answered your own question haven't you? You've done your best.....time to get on with you and your son's lives, and leave him to it!

HormonalHeap · 28/03/2016 23:23

Swingofthings is so right in pointing out that what makes you love your partner is what makes him the way he is with his son.

I am married to one like yours. Takes everyone's problems on as his own. runs himself ragged. No fool in some ways eg very successful in business but his adult children bleed him dry in every way and he just can't say no. Recently paid almost 6k for eldest ss 21 to have a 6 month experience abroad. The week before ss was about to leave, he announced he didn't fancy it. When I dared to suggest that ss pay back at least some of it, my horns were clearly visible to him.

You've done so well to move out. You need to leave your dp in no uncertain terms that you can't be part of a future like this. I would go so far as to give him a date by which he has to get his act together which includes asking his son's girlfriend to leave. I think he needs to understand he's going to lose you completely.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 29/03/2016 01:01

I do think young adult step kids with a weak, or over indulgent father are just about the hardest situation to handle! There are just so many confused and blurred dependencies. But what can you do? You can only ring fence your own life, as you have done.

wannabestressfree · 29/03/2016 06:58

My partner was the same in that his wife left and he raised the children and was hugely defensive of any suggestion that he was making a rod for his own back. We still Don't live together as we have vastly different parenting styles and I will wait until most of them have left home....
It does sound like your at make or break. Pick your time and calmly explain what needs to change. Or it's over. You being serious might make him think. It's so hard though watching someone you love being treated badly. And the girlfriend needs to go....

Wdigin2this · 29/03/2016 08:56

As Hormonal knows, my story and hers are very similar. My DH is also a very successful businessman who takes no crap, but one of his DC has practically lived off him for many, many years. Grown with DC of her own, she has never seemed to let go of the dependant child status, and he has allowed it....up to recently! I am very pleased to say that, the scales have fallen from his eyes a little, and there have been small changes for the better!

However Leamarie, it doesn't look like that's going to happen any time soon, in your situation, so whatever happens hang on to your own home! Perhaps suggest that instead of you going around to his house, you both go out for the day/evening. Maybe, if you do want to keep him in your life, the best way forward is to slowly disengage from his family, and encourage him to live a different life when he's with you...not easy I know, but worth a try!

MeridianB · 29/03/2016 09:11

Setting aside the DD's depression (and OP's stance on that), I read the first post thinking 'no, no, yuck, walk away'.

As several people have said, OP, this is not going to change any time soon - in fact it sounds as if it has got quite a lot worse. It all adds up to a home that I wouldn't want to be in and an example I would want to take my child away from. Your DP has made it clear your view does not count here. Time to move out for good.

MeridianB · 29/03/2016 09:20

PS I would have zero respect for any parent buying their teenaged daughter cigarettes.

Eustace2016 · 29/03/2016 12:21

I'm glad I am single though . If I want to help a child buy a house or fund them at university without student loans that's my choice and if some man in my life thought I shouldn't that would be annoying. None of his business. My money, my choices, my love for my children.

I do think the solution for a lot of us is not to live with the other half if we live with our children. It is just so difficult even when you have children with a man to ensure both of you have the same views on how to bring them up and with step chidlren it's very much harder. My way is not someone else's.

amarmai · 31/03/2016 18:15

i hope you have removed not just yourself but also the 'benefits' that he expects from you. Lots more fish in the sea.

Molly333 · 06/11/2016 09:17

Ok look at this scernario . You wake up in your clean tidy house feeling calm . You have a calm bath then a calm cup of tea when reading the paper , then you prepare a lovely roast dinner to hv later . In the meantime you go for a walk . That could be your life always, no chaos , no not being able to speak or be heard . That could be yours and yours sons life . Sometimes you hv to walk away to let others see how hard life is without you in it and to let them see their mistakes . You are only here once look after yourself or you will get ill and before you know it your son will hv left without great memories x

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